she's been around

[duece22022]

SO i just started dating this girl. We met through a mutual friend. she is really cool and we have a lot in common. I really am starting to like her a lot. I am 24 and she is 25 yrs old. We both just got out of big relationships about 6 months ago. Well, I went out the other night and I heard some of her friens talk about her and they basically said she has slept with a lot of guys. This was kind of a shock to me and it bothers me a little. Also I found out that even one of my friends had previously hooked up with her a while back. I don't know what to do. should I confront her about all of that or just leave it in the past? It really doesn't bother me that she has been with a lot of guys, i think I am upset because now I don't feel that she is a "Special" girl anymore. If anyone has had a similar situation please leave feedback. thanks.

[Phantom9309]

lol confronting her about it just sounds like it's going to go well.

[Ihavenoidea]

What is your definition of a lot of guys. Contrary to popular belief there are more women out there that have slept with "a lot" of guys than people think.

 

If it doesnt bother you then leave it in the past. Everyone has a past and everyone has made bad desicions.

 

I dated a girl whos friends said the same thing and she denied it but thouht it was suspicious, that always bothered me. Another girl I dated I just asked and she told me the number (28) she explained why and I was ok with it.

 

Leave it in the past for now and if it feels appropriate ask about it then ask but dont be judgmental about it

[Green]

You could talk about it if is really bothering you. "Whats up with your friends comming upt to me and telling me you <WHAT EVER THEY SAID>"

 

It's really weird that a 25 year old women would have friends so imature that they would tell you they sleep with a lot of guys. Was it girls or guys telling you this.

 

As another poster asked what is your definition of a lot of guy?

 

It would bother me if a girl I was dating slept with a lot of guys but as long as she was STD free it wouldn't really matter. The thing that would trouble me is that she slept with a friend of mine. So, how good a friend is the guy who slept with her?

[Frontliner]

You should respect her and the choices she has made in her life. Don't put a label on her because of your opinions. You may be missing out on a wonderful relationship.

[norajane]

should I confront her about all of that

 

"Confront" her?

 

She hasn't done anything bad to you. You have nothing to "confront" her about.

 

I definitely think you should discuss it with her. Tell her what your friends said, so she knows her so-called friends talk about her behind her back. And make sure you tell her that you now don't think she is a "Special" girl. That way she can decide if she really wants to be dating a guy who judges her for her sex life.

[northstar1]

Unless she is carrying an STD, or has underlying emotional issues that have been the reason for lots of partners and something you'd have to deal with, it shouldn't be a concern.

 

Everyone has a past. You either accept and or you don't.

[Engadget]

Depends on how many a lot is. Some women who sleep with a lot of guys do it because they feel it's the only way to get them to like them, and can be a sign of very low self esteem.

 

If she's 25 and has had sex with 30 guys...yeah I'd probably run away. 10 or so? Then yeah that's not too bad.

[sally4sara]

And I take it, YOU'RE as pure as untouched snow yeah?

 

I'd be more concerned with who she bestows the title of friend to because it doesn't sound like she has any worth talking about. I'd be stunned if all my friends could think to talk about was my sex life - especially to someone I'm seeing.

 

You have a lot in common with her? You probably like people who have common interests with you - like your friend she got with in the past. People with common interests get along most of the time. If you like him, why would it not make sense to you that someone else you share interests with found him interesting too? And how long ago was that anyway?

 

I'd let her know the kind of friends she keeps.

[harmfulsweetz]

Perhaps this is going to come across as harsh, or whatever, but she can't have been that special to you if a rumor is enough to make her not special to you. How reliable are these friends anyway? Either way-if I was her, based on the above, I'd rethink my friendships and my relationships-I wouldn't want to be friends with people like that or in a relationship with someone who judges me based on what others say about me, rather than me, myself.

 

If her past is all you can think of and not the here and the now, then I'm afraid you're better off letting her go.

[hats]

Decide first whether it's a dealbreaker. If it's not a dealbreaker then what's the point in bringing it up? What could you hope to get out of that discussion? If it is a dealbreaker, that's okay, you have nothing to feel bad about. Have a discussion and do what you have to do.

[amymarieca]

First of all, why would her friends tell you something that is absolutely none of their business? Maybe you need to make her aware of this, because obviously her friends suck. The people in my life whom I consider my friends would never do this to me.

 

Secondly, was the only thing that made her special her supposed "purity?" Maybe if that was the only thing you two had, then it won't work out between the two of you.

 

The thing that bugs me about this is that it always seems to be about how many men the girlfriend has slept with. You don't often see women posting threads like this. It's such a double standard!!!!

[sagetalk]

The thing that bugs me about this is that it always seems to be about how many men the girlfriend has slept with. You don't often see women posting threads like this. It's such a double standard!!!!

 

It's a double standard because many women's standards are incorrect, and they have no idea how to pick a life partner. Many women view the number of women a man has slept with as a positive (that's why it's rarely mentioned negatively). To me, this is completely ridiculous unless they are just looking for a good time.

 

The more sexual partners someone has had, the less special you are to them. It's just common sense. This guy has every right to be worried, I would be. And if you're looking for a life partner, it's a good idea to find out if it's important to you.

 

The more sex partners a woman has had, the more chance for: past abortions, aids, diseases, mental attachments, emotional instability, comparisons, sexual partners reappearing, all of which can drastically change a relationship. The "poor women who sleep around" routine is getting old in my book. Most men don't like it, just like most women don't like guys that act too nice/shy/take too long. It's a fact of life that women and slow moving/nice guys just live with.

 

So if you're a girl that sleeps around alot, then you're a "nice guy". But instead of being turned into a friend, you'll be turned into a friend with benefits.

[hats]

Most men don't like it, just like most women don't like guys that act too nice/shy/take too long. It's a fact of life that women and slow moving/nice guys just live with.

 

I agree with this. I don't see why disliking this one particular quality is wrong, immature, insecure, etc. among many seemingly arbitrary qualities we do or don't like. (Although I can see how women would want to think it's wrong) It'd be nice if looks didn't matter, but they do. And it'd be nice if the number of men you've slept with didn't matter, but it often does.

[marsle85]

 

The more sexual partners someone has had, the less special you are to them. It's just common sense. This guy has every right to be worried, I would be. And if you're looking for a life partner, it's a good idea to find out if it's important to you.

 

I disagree. Who are you to say who is special to anyone? You have no idea who this girl is, or what her views are. I honestly, honestly would not be WORRIED about it- I would investigate what kind of men she slept with, and under what circumstance. As for the OP's friend- I'm SURE had she known she would start seeing the OP, and really liking him... she wouldn't have had a fun fling. Things happen. It's easy to find someone to hook up with, it's hard to find someone you have a real emotional connection with.

 

The more sex partners a woman has had, the more chance for: past abortions, aids, diseases, mental attachments, emotional instability, comparisons, sexual partners reappearing, all of which can drastically change a relationship.

 

How is this an argument at all. This applies to men as well, and anyone on this planet. If she practices safe sex, regardless of how many members she's been with- her chances of past abortions, AIDS or transmitable diseases is less than others. As for the mental attachments and emotional problems, among comparisons and sex partners reappearing... are you kidding? I understand it's POSSIBLE, but we're not watching a soap opera. If the girl seems like she's normal, confident and interested in the OP- why is her sexual past an indicator for mental instability?

 

So if you're a girl that sleeps around alot, then you're a "nice guy". But instead of being turned into a friend, you'll be turned into a friend with benefits.

 

You CANNOT make that claim! It sounds like Sagetalk awfully has a story of his own here, and that is impacting his advice to you.

 

Listen OP, from a girl who has been with only two guys... I would not let this impact your relationship. It is DIFFICULT to find someone you really bond with, and genuinely like. I'm not saying her sexual past cannot and will not impact your relationship- but it's your job to look at the situation and evaluate how likely that is to happen. If she seems like an independent, capable and confident woman- her endeavors are expressions of that. If someone practices safe sex with people of value, why should they be judged? However, if this girl may have been flimsy in her choices, had risky sex and is wavering in her self-esteem, you have good reason to consider the potential risks.

 

Make your choice dependent on her as a WHOLE- emotionally, mentally and physically. Sex is not an overwhelming indicator of anything (practiced safely)-- but her repitoire as a whole, is.

 

it sounds like to me that her friends are one, bitches... and two- not looking out for her. I think her biggest problem in her life are her friends.

[rewe4reel]

Well the implied question is not really, "Was she a slut in the past?" because what's done is done.

 

The REAL concern is, "Is she STILL a slut?", i.e., will she have the craving to screw around, and possibly actually do so, while in a relationship with me?

 

You're worried that you will fall in love with her, she will toy with you for a while, then you will find out she's cheated on you.

 

I guess this boils down to the whole "sex on a first date" and "getting her to do anal" dilemma.

 

On the one hand, you're horny, you'd like to have sex with the girl, you don't want to be rejected. On the other hand, if she readily agrees to have sex very early, the nagging suspicion has to be: "Sex might not be so special to her, maybe she screws all guys on the first date."

 

Same thing with things like anal. Yeah you want to get your rocks off; yet if she lets you do really kinky stuff early on in the relationship, most likely she gives it up easily to anyone who asks.

 

 

I mean how many is really "a lot" for a 25 year old girl? If she became sexually active at age 18, and had sex with say 4 different people a year, that's about 30 or so right there.

 

Is four different sex partners a year really "that many"?

 

I never really considered myself very adept sexually, had almost zero "game," and became active relatively late (almost 19 years old when I lost the v card), I also had numerous long periods of celibacy after losing the v, nevertheless, by the age of not quite 30, I guess I had between 30-35 different sexual partners (meaning intercourse occurred at least once). The exact number's kind of uncertain as I didn't really keep track, and a few of them there was penetration but no ejaculation for whatever reason (too drunk?) so I'm not sure how to count those. However the 30-35 doesn't count other people with whom I was somewhat sexual but not rising to full intercourse, i.e. oral, handjobs but no intercourse there would probably be about 5 or 10 more. Then of course probably at least a couple of dozen or so others where there was making out and maybe some taking off of shirts, hands down pants, feeling up, etc. A number of these were ONS's, others in the context of relationships.

 

I never regarded myself as promiscuous in any way and I don't think I was. In my own case we are talking about a 12 year stretch of time. So in a given year on the average, maybe I was in a relationship for say 3-4 months or so, with maybe 2 or 3 ONS's sprinkled around the rest of the year, or perhaps somewhat longer than a ONS; and maybe a few other dates here and there where some form of physical contact less than intercourse happened.

 

Is it that big of a deal if your gf had sex with two, three, or four different people a year before she met you?

 

What I think is a much more serious concern is whether she cheated on any past boyfriends. That's the real red flag. Or maybe if she would just get drunk and screw anyone at random.

 

I mean let's say for example she meets someone in March and they go out for a couple of months, and she's faithful. So they have sex for a couple of months. Then they break up.

 

Then she has a dry spell for six months, maybe a bunch of dates, but she doesn't have sex with anyone until September. But let's say the one time is enough for her, she decides she doesn't want to go any further.

 

Then let's say she goes to a Christmas party, gets drunk, and goes home with someone. And it's just a one-nighter. And she never sees that guy again.

 

And that's her entire sexual activity for a given year.

 

Let's say she had sex 6 times with the March boyfriend, one time in September, and one time in December.

 

Does that really make her a "slut"?

 

When I was single, although there were many prolonged periods of celibacy, it was always involuntary on my part.

 

I mean is it really fair to expect someone to be either 1) in a committed exclusive relationship or 2) celibate for their entire lives prior to meeting you?

 

When I was single, if I was not in a relationship, I always WANTED to meet someone with the hope of having sex with and/or establishing a relationship with them. Maybe I didn't do too much about it, but I never WANTED to be celibate.

 

I'm not sure it's fair to hold a woman to a different standard.

[Mr White]

 

 

1 )It is DIFFICULT to find someone you really bond with, and genuinely like. I'm not saying her sexual past cannot and will not impact your relationship- but it's your job to look at the situation and evaluate how likely that is to happen. If she seems like an independent, capable and confident woman- her endeavors are expressions of that. If someone practices safe sex with people of value, why should they be judged? 2) However, if this girl may have been flimsy in her choices, had risky sex and is wavering in her self-esteem, you have good reason to consider the potential risks.

 

1) Yes, but for most sane, rational people it only takes getting burnt 1-2 times to learn the lesson

 

2) not the only, but by far the most likely scenario, at least in my experience

Edited May 15, 2010 by Mr White

[sagetalk]

 

1.) I would investigate what kind of men she slept with, and under what circumstance. As for the OP's friend- I'm SURE had she known she would start seeing the OP, and really liking him... she wouldn't have had a fun fling. Things happen. It's easy to find someone to hook up with, it's hard to find someone you have a real emotional connection with.

 

 

2.) How is this an argument at all. This applies to men as well, and anyone on this planet. If she practices safe sex, regardless of how many members she's been with- her chances of past abortions, AIDS or transmitable diseases is less than others. As for the mental attachments and emotional problems, among comparisons and sex partners reappearing... are you kidding? I understand it's POSSIBLE, but we're not watching a soap opera. If the girl seems like she's normal, confident and interested in the OP- why is her sexual past an indicator for mental instability?

 

 

 

3.) You CANNOT make that claim! It sounds like Sagetalk awfully has a story of his own here, and that is impacting his advice to you.

 

4.) it sounds like to me that her friends are one, bitches... and two- not looking out for her. I think her biggest problem in her life are her friends.

 

1.) All this is irrelevant and would cause harm to the OP. If she is sexual with guys all the time, how is he supposed to know he is special? Because she says so .

 

2.) It is a very relevant argument. Abortion does horrible things to a girls emotions, Google it and read it for yourself. Condoms work around 90% of time if used properly, that's not very good odds in my opinion. The fact that life isn't a soap opera is the exact reason why he should care. This is real life, not a TV Show. Promiscuous women are dangerous for long term relationships, almost any guy can tell you that.

 

3.) Everyone's life experience is why they give advice how they give it.

 

I CANNOT make that claim ? Women friendzone nice/shy/boring/slow moving guys, guys FWB girls who are loose or are not long term material. Explain to me how this is inaccurate. It's plastered all over this board nearly every day.

 

"FWB girls are the female equivalent to nice guys who get turned into friends. They're getting some of what they want, but not all of it." - Sagetalk

 

And you can quote me on that .

 

4.) Maybe her friends think this guy is likely to not like trampy girls and they are saving both him and her some grief. Sounds smart if you ask me. I mean this girl has even slept with his friend .

[stepka]

I might add that some girls go thru a phase that I'll call situational promiscuity(SP). Meaning that something happens in their life--for a lot of women it's divorce but it could be brought on by something else. They go out and have a lot of sex w/in a short period of time, and then back off from that b/c they realize how stupid and empty it makes them feel. I would say that this is true for the majority of decent women who have a "history." The true sluts will show themselves within a short period of time. If this woman was acting out on SP, then that will not take away the specialness of you at all.

[MissJoness]

Is four different sex partners a year really "that many"?

 

Yeah, having sex with four different men a year consistently from ages 18-25 is alot.

 

If it were only 4 different men, from ages 18-25 then no its not a lot. But to keep tallying up 4 men as each year goes by is a lot

[TaurusTerp]

What, are you looking for a virgin?

 

Whoever you marry will probably have slept with 10+ people. She'll just tell you 4 or something, because people like you need that empty reassurance and will ask.

[Els]

I am very curious how soon the OP expects sex in his relationships, since he wishes to judge a woman by how many partners she has had. Hopefully it won't be soon, otherwise he'd just be causing an increase in her number and thus be part of her 'problem' himself, eh?

[MissJoness]

Well, I sure am confused because I thought men loved women who were promiscuous. they seem to pay those type of women more attention than the less promiscuous ones

[sagetalk]

Well, I sure am confused because I thought men loved women who were promiscuous. they seem to pay those type of women more attention than the less promiscuous ones

 

Yes, for sex. They put out like crazy so of course men are going to give those girls attention. I think this guy actually wants a real relationship though.

[marsle85]

1.) All this is irrelevant and would cause harm to the OP. If she is sexual with guys all the time, how is he supposed to know he is special? Because she says so .

 

... That is ridiculous. You're jumping back into the 17th century because you're scared of getting hurt. To PROVE she finds him special, the only way is to eliminate having any other man in her past? YES he's supposed to believe he's special because she says so! A person's words and actions are the only true indicator of special interest- sex doesn't make a difference. Someone can lie about their feelings regarding someone whether they've had sex with 100 people, or none. And by saying that having sex with very few other people is the only true indicator, means you are placing a disproportionate amount of credit on sex. Sex does not implicate positive or negative feelings all over. It's involved, and it can influence, sure- but it does not determine a person's feelings either direction.

 

2.) It is a very relevant argument. Abortion does horrible things to a girls emotions, Google it and read it for yourself. Condoms work around 90% of time if used properly, that's not very good odds in my opinion. The fact that life isn't a soap opera is the exact reason why he should care. This is real life, not a TV Show. Promiscuous women are dangerous for long term relationships, almost any guy can tell you that.

Absolutely having an abortion has bountiful effects on the woman, but just because there are RISKS accompanying sex, doesn't mean she has been a victim to all of these circumstances. You're trying to claim that having sex has the result of emotional instability, reoccuring past boyfriends and other negative consequences. I could make the same argument that someone who used drugs in their past will likely: be emotionally instable, have negative influences return in her life, maybe aquire a disease--- but MAYBE, she just dabbled with marijuanna. You don't know the real situation here, or how extreme it is. Neither do I, so I'm suggesting the most rational plan of action for the OP is to look at her on other levels: mentally, emotionally and physically. Is she healthy?

 

I'm saying it's POSSIBLE, and on some accounts- LIKELY, but not at all dependent on someone's sex life. My best friend has had a few ONS, and she is confident, loyal, intelligent and overwhelmingly, relationship material. I think he SHOULD care, but it's not an instant hell-no-no-go.

 

3.) Everyone's life experience is why they give advice how they give it.

 

I CANNOT make that claim ?

No, you said: "The more sexual partners someone has had, the less special you are to them. It's just common sense." And I repeat. You cannot determine how special you are to someone, based on their number in the sack. Use common sense, science, whatever. Maybe she hasn't found someone she actually really LIKED before this guy. Number of people someone has slept with, doesn't change how they feel about a certain person. Sure, a virgin who sleeps with her first will probably be more attached, but this applies only if you're going to depend on naivety and being sheltered to have a good, mature relationship.

 

4.) Maybe her friends think this guy is likely to not like trampy girls and they are saving both him and her some grief. Sounds smart if you ask me. I mean this girl has even slept with his friend .

It is not her friends' responsibility to save the OP. She is interested in him, and her friends went behind her back. You can't defend these girls, everyone has a closet full of secrets- its our friends jobs to support us. Those girls would NEVER qualify as any friend of mine.

 

And this girl DIDN'T sleep with his friend. This girl slept with HER friend, who happens to be friends with the guy she's seeing now. That is bad luck, that is unconvenient... but don't act like the girl went behind the OP's back and slept with his BF. I'm sure she would prefer this not to be the case, as well.

Edited May 15, 2010 by marsle85