peterms Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Bear with me this is part rant... I've thought about this for years, and without writing a book about it I basically think that I married the wrong person. I made a bad choice. Well maybe not HORRIBLE - but not good. But I feel it just would not be worth it, not even remotely, to divorce my wife. We have two young kids, she's a housewife, we have a mortgage, etc etc. The financial impossibility of a divorce, plus the emotional turmoil of the kids issue basically puts an end to any thoughts I ever have about entertaining getting divorced. Sure things aren't 100% horrible all the time - but there are fundamental things about my wife I just don't like that I can't change. I suspect, hell I know, the same goes for her about me. I'm an "F"-ing human too and want to be in love with someone I actually like a whole lot, not just "making due". But I feel like the only option is wait her out (as in, wait until she dies before I do). What kind of life is that - waiting another 30-40 years for "natural causes" to bail me out? God shoot me... I can't but wonder who else feels like they are "stuck" like me? What do you DO? How do you make yourself feel better?
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 there are fundamental things about my wife I just don't like that I can't change. I suspect, hell I know, the same goes for her about me. What are some of those things? What about them can't be changed?
KikiW Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 I felt that way. I tried everything I could think of to make things better, but at the end of the day I felt like a zombie, just shuffling through life. It wasn't anything specific my husband did (and he tried so hard, too), it wasn't anything specific I did. We eventually just had to face the fact that we are incredibly good friends, and not so good spouses. We have a daughter, and a mortgage, and I had just started my own business with someone else so I couldn't go back to work without screwing my business partner. We worked it out. And we worked REALLY hard to work it all out. There were days when I would burst into tears about it all - I remember the day he showed me the indentation left behind after he took off his wedding ring, but he just hugged me and reminded me everything would be fine. Now he is living with someone very special, and so am I. And all four of us socialize together... game nights, hanging out with mutual friends (at least the ones who gave the arrangement we have a chance, we lost a few that just couldn't understand it and would try and undermine it). Our daughter is only upset that all five of us can't live in the same house. I'm not saying you should go that route and that it will work. But no amount of anti-depressants could have saved me from the walking-dead feeling I was living with. I know it affected my daughter subconsciously, because I was disconnected from life in general, and she is a part of that. But you SHOULD start talking to your wife. Talk to her about how you are feeling - not how it relates to her (i.e. don't say "you're not doing it for me anymore...") - but how YOU feel in relation to your life in general (i.e. I am depressed. I can't seem to find joy, and I don't want to bring everyone down... can you help me figure this out?"). Hopefully just by beginning to communicate with her, you can build some new bridges, build a new relationship, whatever. Perhaps she feels the same way you do. You never know unless you start communicating. Also, and this is a good default answer, find a good therapist.
Moanin Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 I feel exactly the same way about my marriage. I would suspect that there are many, many married couples out there where at least one person in the marriage feels the same way we do.
kevinconner Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 (edited) As soon as something major happens in your life ( like a death in family, loss of job, a major birthday ) you may indeed fall into a mid-life crisis. You will soon realize that you cannot expect different results from doing the same thing, day in and day out. I have found that first, you are not alone. There are quite a few good books out there to shed light on this. "Too bad to stay, too good to leave." etc..etc. Not sure if there is a rule on this, but the longer you have been treading water, the longer it takes to unwind. To search and think and try to find a solution. Take baby steps. Don't have an affair, don't do anything drastic. Plan ahead for something small. Even if it is to stop thinking so much about making everyone in your life happy except yourself. For me, the trigger was getting out of the house, one night a week, to explore a new hobby. And don't quit either. Stick with it. If that hobby doesn't work out, find something else to do, on that same night so that it becomes a stable pattern. Something for YOU to do for yourself on that night. I now associate with people both male and female, well outside my marriage and I am finding out so much about what makes me tick, what I like, and more importantly the kinds of personalities I like to be with. This doesn't mean I do not love my spouse, it just means I love myself enough to want to be the whole package, not only for my spouse but for my kids and my life. Also, a good therapist is key. Write down your feelings during the week and go in there with an agenda. Don't just blab out and wander around the conversation. This takes time, so don't expect results overnight. The biggest thing to know is that the problems in your marriage will surface, without fail, once again if you do not first address the problems within yourself. Do this while you are married, and the end result may be if you fix them, you fix the marriage. But don't be afraid to explore your own issues if that means leaving your marriage. Just keep everyone up to speed with what is going on inside of you. Edited May 11, 2010 by kevinconner
Luv2dance Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 You are not alone!!! I have thought more than once in the last 16 yrs that I am living a lie. I have a wonderful family and a husband who really loves me, but I am pretty sure I married for all the wrong reasons. What do you do about it...well I finally admitted that my attraction for him was not there and we are going to MC. I am trying to find some small spark that can be rekindled and my husband is being very supportive and willing to do some work also. I feel like an ungrateful beotch most of the time b/c I know many women would love to have a man like I have. I have learned that you feel what you feel and I am trying to take ownership of that. Kevin has given great advice on finding out about yourself and getting out and doing something! Our spouse can't be everything to us and we have to change our actions to invoke change in others. KikiW..your situation sounds interesting! I am sure MH would never agree to such an arrangement but I am very glad you have worked it out. So you are still married?
sally4sara Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 If I was all about staying married "just because", I'd still be with my ex.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 peterms, The feelings you are having are completely natural... staying "just because." There isn't a long term marriage around that hasn't been through it at some point. IMHO, one of the differences between those that make it and those that don't are taking action. It is your responsibility to do something about it! Do you need some time away, just the two of you together? Or maybe the opposite, time away from one another? Perhaps therapy? By the way, how is your sex life? Do you feel unappreciated? Ever give any thought to how she might be feeling? How much have the two of you communicated regarding the issues that are present? Have you ever heard of Michelle Weiner-Davis, relationship expert? Her books have worked wonders for me and my marriage, I recommend them strongly... Good luck man, your going to need it. The best advice I have for you is to do something about your situation. As to what that might be, I am honestly not sure. With some communication, and possibly outside therapy, you should be about to figure it out.
Author peterms Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 Just wanted to reply and let everyone know that I have read all the replies and they are helpful. It's also nice to hear I am not alone out there. I suspect probably many people also just get married because it's "one of those things you do". Like getting a full time job or having kids. Anyway, I am not going to reply too much yet. I will think about things a bit more and then come back soon and try to answer people's questions. Thanks, Peter
dazzle22 Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 I also made a very bad choice in my first marriage partner and know the feeling of going through the motions and feeling like the walking dead. I stuck it out 25 years, and finally felt so dead inside it was almost physically painful. At that point, the pain of change was LESS than the pain of staying the same. I think at times we have to stick things out and your situation would be very difficult to unravel that is for sure. Given that, I think you should pull out all the stops to see if you can salvage this relationship and get some of the love and spark back. Can you talk to her about your unhappiness with the current status quo?
lonelyandfrustrated Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 Tell her that you neither like nor love her and are just waiting it out until she dies, and all your problems will be solved. Seriously, dude, do you just phone it in for everything in your life? Are you having an affair?
Author peterms Posted May 16, 2010 Author Posted May 16, 2010 Tell her that you neither like nor love her and are just waiting it out until she dies, and all your problems will be solved. Seriously, dude, do you just phone it in for everything in your life? Are you having an affair? Geez you're helpful. No, my problems wouldn't be solved because like I said I have two young kids and am in a financial situation that wouldn't allow me to pay child care and/or alimony as well as have enough left over to live normally. I'm not familiar with the expression "phone it in". No, I am not having an affair. Why do you ask? Maybe I'd be happier if I was...
Author peterms Posted May 16, 2010 Author Posted May 16, 2010 What are some of those things? What about them can't be changed? One of them is religious differences. I am basically not really devout at all, whereas she "wants to be" (yes that is her own wording). This is a sore point we end up getting into arguments again and again over the years every few months or something. Basically she wishes she was married to someone who was more devout so that "she can be devout" (because she is actually not). I think she's stupid and she thinks I'm going to hell. Whatever. Sorry I'm a little grumpy right now because we had yet another argument today. In the beginning (years ago) I knew she wanted me to be "more religious" and did make genuine efforts in this area (getting involved in community stuff, praying more, etc etc. Over time, I realized I could not change my fundamental beliefs (or lack thereof) and that it was a mistake for either of us to think so. But it's too late, we're married now with kids, etc etc. Another fundamental difference: she has become fat. I did not marry a fat woman and I don't like fat or overweight women - hence why I married a thin woman. This has a negative effect on my attraction to her (both physical and otherwise). I have tried talking, arguing, everything to get her to make an effort to lose weight (eat less, exercise, etc) but she doesn't want to make the effort. Example: we would have an argument and once again ended up talking about the things that bother us and the weight thing comes up. She would say it's because she wouldn't have time to go to the gym because of the kids. Fine. We end up agreeing to buy a $1200 elliptical machine and she ends up using it 5 times in 2 years. She was never a "sporty" person and I now realize it's also partly in her genetics to be overweight (judging from her siblings and relatives). I have since given up on the matter.
RedDevil66 Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 Setting someone free you don't love or can't love anymore is the best gift you can give them Don't find excuses like the kids or bills, life is about more than that. Maybe you need to discover who you really are and let her do the same
xxoo Posted May 16, 2010 Posted May 16, 2010 I think she's stupid and she thinks I'm going to hell. Whatever. . Is it often this nasty between you two? People live happily with religious differences all the time. She needs to take responsibility for her own spirituality, and stop trying to control yours. Similarly, you need to take responsibility for your own exercise and eating, and stop trying to control hers. Be active as a family (hiking, biking, etc), and let it go. Plenty of people accept body changes (esp after babies) because they love their partner. No, they might not prefer fat over thin, but it is a non-issue because they love their partner. Loving couples manage issues like these all the time. We aren't talking about destructive behavior. For the sake of the kids and the finances--and your marriage!--I'd give marriage counseling a shot. You could learn to let go of these small issues, and rediscover the friendship you've lost. Of, if you don't, at least you'll know that you gave it your best shot, and be in a better emotional place to move on with separate lives.
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