anyuta Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 Is it normal to be bored in your marriage? My husband and I have been married for 4 years and I can't honestly say that I've ever been trully happy (except during moments of good, life-changing events). A lot of it has to do with my depression, anxiety, and pessimistic attitude which I've been battling for most of my life. I got married at a young age and I often think I married my husband because I didn't know what else to do with my life and I was too scared to take a risk. Now, I have a boring 9-5 office job and a house in the suburbs - two things which I never wanted for my future. Recently, I've taked a paycut at work so that has put a lot of stress on our marriage b/c of finances. I've been wondering if now is the time to seize the opportunity to change my life, but I honestly ask myself if I'm sticking around because I don't know what else I'd do and because of our dogs (our dogs are like kids to us; some of you may not understand this, but trust me, i could never abandon them). I've told my husband before that I'm unhappy and that I'm bored with my life and that I would like for us to spend more time together. He believes that we spend enough time together and that I should just suck it up and deal with my life as it turned out. Am I just being ridiculous and immature? I'm not the needy type - I'm actually very independent and I need alone time to pursue my own interests, but I would like for us to do some things together other than sit around the house just to add a little variety. I'm sick of the boring daily routine that we've become accustomed to.
witabix Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 (edited) Is it normal to be bored in your marriage? Yes it is normal, it cannot be fireworks every day. My husband and I have been married for 4 years and I can't honestly say that I've ever been trully happy (except during moments of good, life-changing events). A lot of it has to do with my depression, anxiety, and pessimistic attitude which I've been battling for most of my life. Have you ever sought professional help for the anxiety/depression? I got married at a young age and I often think I married my husband because I didn't know what else to do with my life and I was too scared to take a risk. Now, I have a boring 9-5 office job and a house in the suburbs - two things which I never wanted for my future. Why do you think you are in this position? Scared to take a risk. What risk? Recently, I've taked a paycut at work so that has put a lot of stress on our marriage b/c of finances. I've been wondering if now is the time to seize the opportunity to change my life, Are financial worries at the heart of this? How does the money situation make you feel? but I honestly ask myself if I'm sticking around because I don't know what else I'd do and because of our dogs (our dogs are like kids to us; some of you may not understand this, but trust me, i could never abandon them). It is not necessary to abandon anything at this point. There is time to talk and to find the real answers to your issues. I've told my husband before that I'm unhappy and that I'm bored with my life and that I would like for us to spend more time together. He believes that we spend enough time together and that I should just suck it up and deal with my life as it turned out. Why do you think he said that? Am I just being ridiculous and immature? I'm not the needy type - I'm actually very independent and I need alone time to pursue my own interests, but I would like for us to do some things together other than sit around the house just to add a little variety. I'm sick of the boring daily routine that we've become accustomed to What does your vision of this I would like for us to do some things together actually look like. What are you doing? Where are you doing it? What does look, feel, smell like? No you are not being immature. It is not immature to struggle with life. It is much better to bring it out into the open and think and discuss it. You are having doubts about almost the entire basis of your life. Sucking it up will not help you here. Take some time to think and talk it out. LS offers a platform to place your thoughts and feelings on. I feel what you are going through. I have been through it. Edited May 9, 2010 by witabix syntax
Author anyuta Posted May 9, 2010 Author Posted May 9, 2010 "Have you ever sought professional help for the anxiety/depression?" Yes, I saw a therapist for several months. I spent several hundred dollars but I don't think I was getting anywhere so I stopped. I know you probably have to see a therapist for a long time to see results, but I would have expected at least some difference. And I don't have a whole lot of money to be throwing away at this point anyway. I also took anti-depressants for about 5 years and discontinued them last October. Anti-depressants helped alleviate much of the anxiety that I felt, but they didn't solve anything. I wasn't a nutcase, but I was just as unhappy in life as I am now. "Why do you think you are in this position? Scared to take a risk. What risk?" My dream was to travel and have some international job or do the Peace Corps. When my husband proposed, I was supposed to be abroad doing an internship with the State Department; but that fell through b/c I wasn't able to get a security clearance and it really depressed me (I had taken a semester off from school to pursue this). So I graduated from college and pursued a masters doing something I know I'd hate b/c I needed to do SOMETHING. But now, my hours have been cut b/c of the economy and I feel like my MS has been useless to me (haven't even started paying on the student loans yet). I feel like I've taken the "safe" route b/c I didn't exactly have anything planned once I graduated. The opportunity to get married came up and I took it - it was the only "sure" thing I had going for me at the time and I can't help but think that this was the reason I got married. "Are financial worries at the heart of this? How does the money situation make you feel?" Financial worries are always on my mind - I'm trying to pay off our student loans (we both have a pretty hefty amount) and put hubby through grad school without taking on any more debt. But I wouldn't say that they're at the heart of this. Of course, if I were single, I'd only have to concentrate on paying off my own loans and I wouldn't have to worry about putting him through grad school or staying within a budget. I'm pretty frugal and would live in a cardboard box for a bit if it meant that I could achieve financial independence and move on with my life. He's more of a spender. So finacially speaking, I'd be better off alone than living in a dual-income family but somehow, this doesn't weigh on my decision to stay or leave him. "Why do you think he said that?" Because he actually believes it. To him, "spending time together" involves doing mundane things like grocery shopping or being lazy on the couch. He spends a lot of time online playing video games. He's perfectly content hanging out at home, which is something I usually don't mind, but I need much more activity than this. He never proposes that we go anywhere just to try something new. I want him to propose and if he doesn't, I assume that he's not interested in spending time with me. "What does your vision of this actually look like. What are you doing? Where are you doing it? What does look, feel, smell like?" Well, we love to travel but because of our financial situation at the moment, this isn't possible. But I like to be a tourist in my own city. We live in a suburb in a large metropolis so there are museums, botanical gardens, lakes, canals where we can do a boat ride, all kinds of festivals that our city puts on, a safari about an hour and a half from here. I know all this costs money but it's not a lot and we're not even talking every day. And there are plenty of places for us to just go for a walk or ride a bike - these things are free. I guess the bottom line is I'm very active and I like to go out and experience things rather than sit and read about them. I want my husband to take an interest in me, to want to go out and do some of these things with me without me having to feel like I'm nagging him to take me out. I'm just tired of our daily routine. I've been pretty down recently b/c I feel like my education has been a waste and that I've failed in life. The fact that my marriage is unbelievably boring isn't helping me escape my rut. I'm looking for a change and wondering if leaving my husband is the change I need. He's a great guy, very loving, very helpful and says he's crazy about me. But actions speak louder than words and I wonder why he keeps me around if there's very little that he wants to do with me. I love him but somehow, love isn't in fact all you need.
jenifer1972 Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 Sounds like your husband is a couch potato homebody and likes it and doesn't see any need to change. I think you will have to be the one doing the planning, and far enough ahead of time, for him to get ready to go on an outing. Being married to a grad student is very hard. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, having done it myself. I think that you also need to realize that we all have these dreams about things, but often when you finally end up getting to do them, the patina goes off those things too. I have experienced that. It sounds like you have a chronic dysthymia which is really tough to treat. Most antidepressants won't do much. You may have to make some activities happen with girlfriends or something, and try to accept your husband for who he is. You could do a lot worse you know. Just read some women's experiences with their husbands on here -porn addictions, cheating, anger issues, yikes.
witabix Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 Yes, I saw a therapist for several months. I spent several hundred dollars but I don't think I was getting anywhere so I stopped. I know you probably have to see a therapist for a long time to see results, but I would have expected at least some difference. And I don't have a whole lot of money to be throwing away at this point anyway. I also took anti-depressants for about 5 years and discontinued them last October. Anti-depressants helped alleviate much of the anxiety that I felt, but they didn't solve anything. I wasn't a nutcase, but I was just as unhappy in life as I am now. You mustn't expect a therapist to supply you with answers. All they can do is get you talking about whats going on with you. To try to help you see what the answer is. But first you must start by defining the issue that is affecting you. I think taking pills is meant to be short term crutch not a long term solution. My dream was to travel and have some international job or do the Peace Corps. When my husband proposed, I was supposed to be abroad doing an internship with the State Department; but that fell through b/c I wasn't able to get a security clearance and it really depressed me (I had taken a semester off from school to pursue this). So I graduated from college and pursued a masters doing something I know I'd hate b/c I needed to do SOMETHING. But now, my hours have been cut b/c of the economy and I feel like my MS has been useless to me (haven't even started paying on the student loans yet). I feel like I've taken the "safe" route b/c I didn't exactly have anything planned once I graduated. The opportunity to get married came up and I took it - it was the only "sure" thing I had going for me at the time and I can't help but think that this was the reason I got married. So you feel like you 'settled'? Financial worries are always on my mind - I'm trying to pay off our student loans (we both have a pretty hefty amount) and put hubby through grad school without taking on any more debt. But I wouldn't say that they're at the heart of this. Of course, if I were single, I'd only have to concentrate on paying off my own loans and I wouldn't have to worry about putting him through grad school or staying within a budget. I'm pretty frugal and would live in a cardboard box for a bit if it meant that I could achieve financial independence and move on with my life. He's more of a spender. So finacially speaking, I'd be better off alone than living in a dual-income family but somehow, this doesn't weigh on my decision to stay or leave him. Its not about money then. Because he actually believes it. To him, "spending time together" involves doing mundane things like grocery shopping or being lazy on the couch. He spends a lot of time online playing video games. He's perfectly content hanging out at home, which is something I usually don't mind, but I need much more activity than this. He never proposes that we go anywhere just to try something new. I want him to propose and if he doesn't, I assume that he's not interested in spending time with me. Maybe its best not assume that he doesn't want to spend time with you, maybe he prefers to do what he does. Some people like to go out and do things, and others don't. It could just be difference rather than not wanting you. Well, we love to travel but because of our financial situation at the moment, this isn't possible. But I like to be a tourist in my own city. We live in a suburb in a large metropolis so there are museums, botanical gardens, lakes, canals where we can do a boat ride, all kinds of festivals that our city puts on, a safari about an hour and a half from here. I know all this costs money but it's not a lot and we're not even talking every day. And there are plenty of places for us to just go for a walk or ride a bike - these things are free. That all seems reasonable and possible. I guess the bottom line is I'm very active and I like to go out and experience things rather than sit and read about them. I want my husband to take an interest in me, to want to go out and do some of these things with me without me having to feel like I'm nagging him to take me out. I'm just tired of our daily routine. I've been pretty down recently b/c I feel like my education has been a waste and that I've failed in life. The fact that my marriage is unbelievably boring isn't helping me escape my rut. I'm looking for a change and wondering if leaving my husband is the change I need. He's a great guy, very loving, very helpful and says he's crazy about me. But actions speak louder than words and I wonder why he keeps me around if there's very little that he wants to do with me. I love him but somehow, love isn't in fact all you need. This seems to be nub of it, you feel he doesn't want to do anything with you. Do you nag him about it?
SarahRose Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 I think this is very common among young people these days. Try doing some volunteer work with those less less fortunate that you and take a cup of gratitude every day and this should go away.
Darth Vader Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 I think this is very common among young people these days. Try doing some volunteer work with those less less fortunate that you and take a cup of gratitude every day and this should go away. Anyuta, have you considered marriage counseling? You sound like a woman who may be tempted to cheat, I'm not saying that you would, but many of the possible signs seem to be there leading up to the possibility of an affair. Wake up call.
Author anyuta Posted May 10, 2010 Author Posted May 10, 2010 Thanks for the replies guys. I feel like an ********* because I don't have a husband that cheats or abuses me or has an addiction or whatever. I'm not in a terrible financial situation, but then again, I'm not a big spender. I live simply, I don't buy jewelry (in fact, I hate it) and don't need to be taken out to some pricey restaurant or driven around in an expensive car. I grew up in a poor, working-class family so I used to be one of the less fortunate. I guess I feel like I've always been waiting to get to the point where my life improves and things are OK and I'm happy and content with my situation. And I haven't reached it yet. I'm just plain BORED. Someone mentioned that I may have dysthymia - I never thought about it, but it makes sense. I've never been a "happy" child and so far I'm not a "happy" adult. My therapist never mentioned the possibility - maybe he was just a bad therapist. And to the person who thinks that I'm going to cheat, I highly doubt that. I know for a fact that after my husband (that is if we ever split up), I'm going to avoid relationships of any kind - emotional, sexual, long-term, short-term, etc. They're too much work, they're too much baggage, and frankly I don't want to settle again. I'm tired of having someone to worry about, of having to make sacrifices for someone else, of having to work around someone else's schedule, life's goals, etc. There are many people out there that just aren't meant to be happy - maybe I'm just one of them.
peterms Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 How old are you? If you think you are young enough to have the energy to "reboot" your life and the financial means to be indepedant (do you?) then I say go for it. Go after the life you want instead of sitting around bored and unhappy/unfulfilled where you are now (it doesn't sound like there's some sort of magical solution around the corner for you). You have no kids, only some pets which you would get over should you lose them (custody wise, or whatever). Trust me, I've had pets that I loved dearly as a human or child in the past. But you get over it - they're just animals. It sounds cold but I've been there. Besides, your average dog only lives 15-18 years anyway. It's not like a human child that you would expect to outlive you for many decades.
Gunny376 Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 (edited) I suspect that your suffering from Dysthymia a low grade, but long term from of depression. Ref: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysthymia With a proper consultation with a psychologist and MD and the proper medications? You could do a 180 in little as a month to a month and half. Basically its your body's lack of inability to produce serotonin. The "feel good" chemical your body produces. Basically when your overwhelm with stress in your life, your body cannot produce enough serotonin and you become depressed. That's not to say DH doesn't need to get off of his dead @zz and get off of the couch and get engaged in life! Edited May 10, 2010 by Gunny376
tnttim Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 I totally understand what you are going through, you feel trapped in a prison you did not create. I appreciate a women like you that can stick it out through the tough times, it's shows you are a mature woman. You have a good imagination and I'm certain you can find lots of free fun stuff to do. Life is not about the big things, it's the sum of all the little things. I'm sorry life seems so boring, I hope you can find some sunshine once in a while:)
Author anyuta Posted May 10, 2010 Author Posted May 10, 2010 peterms, I'd have to disagree with you. They're not just animals, they're dogs with real feelings, but I understand what you mean. I'm sure I would get over how much I miss them, but I'd never forgive myself. It's one thing to run out on an adult, but it's quite another to run out on an animal or a child - two beings that depend on someone to show them love and take care of them and that couldn't possibly understand the idea that one needs to "find him/herself." Thanks Gunny376 - I've often wondered why I can't just snap out of it. I read books about the subject, tell myself what an idiot I am to cry over spilled milk, but ultimately can't put what I preach into practice. My wedding day, graduations, birthdays, job opportunities, parties & happy hours, etc. - not a single event has ever brought me happiness. Usually, there is a lot of anxiety, depression, and apprehension associated with each event. The only time I feel like I'm the happiest is when I board the plane to take me to some far off land because I get to travel and see how beautiful the world and the people that inhabit it truly are - that is until I come, settle back into my mundane reality and deal with the locals. tnttim, thanks for your kind words. I do feel like I'm trapped in a prison that I created. I didn't have to get married and settle down, but I did out of fear. However, I feel like the depression has kept me in a straight jacket my entire life and I can't break free. My hands are tied and someone else is calling the shots. It's a terrible feeling...
SarahRose Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 peterms, I'd have to disagree with you. They're not just animals, they're dogs with real feelings, but I understand what you mean. I'm sure I would get over how much I miss them, but I'd never forgive myself. It's one thing to run out on an adult, but it's quite another to run out on an animal or a child - two beings that depend on someone to show them love and take care of them and that couldn't possibly understand the idea that one needs to "find him/herself." Thanks Gunny376 - I've often wondered why I can't just snap out of it. I read books about the subject, tell myself what an idiot I am to cry over spilled milk, but ultimately can't put what I preach into practice. My wedding day, graduations, birthdays, job opportunities, parties & happy hours, etc. - not a single event has ever brought me happiness. Usually, there is a lot of anxiety, depression, and apprehension associated with each event. The only time I feel like I'm the happiest is when I board the plane to take me to some far off land because I get to travel and see how beautiful the world and the people that inhabit it truly are - that is until I come, settle back into my mundane reality and deal with the locals. tnttim, thanks for your kind words. I do feel like I'm trapped in a prison that I created. I didn't have to get married and settle down, but I did out of fear. However, I feel like the depression has kept me in a straight jacket my entire life and I can't break free. My hands are tied and someone else is calling the shots. It's a terrible feeling... Why did you get married? What did you think marriage was going to be? Once again my advice is Try doing some volunteer work with those less less fortunate that you and take a cup of gratitude every day and this should go away.
TaraMaiden Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 No, it won't go away. She might succeed in burying it, or pushing it under the carpet, but the intrinsic dissatisfaction will always be there. She will just be papering over the cracks. And as a canine psychologist - whilst I agree that dogs are animals - there is much to-ing and fro-ing with regard to emotional effect. Dogs should never be considered to have the same emotions as humans, and Neither do the emotions they have, which are similar to the emotions seen in humans, work similarly. But any unrest within a domestic environment does affect the dogs.
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 OP: I'm not sure about the condition of your marriage, but the condition of YOUR life is absolutely your own responsibility and you have ample opportunity to do something to create a more fulfilling one for yourself. If you are too depressed to change your life then you will have to address that first. It's possible to go back to school ... change careers ... maybe not live in suburbs ... A different kind of "marriage" probably would not create what you are missing, because it sounds like you are in need of working on realizing your own potential.
Darth Vader Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 I never said that I think you're gonna cheat, just the possibility of it exists. Sometimes when a spouse cheats, it's out of boredom in a relationship. Sometimes it's just for a little strange. Those two examples aren't even the more extreme circumstances. There are circumstances more bizarre than what we've seen or heard of.
jenifer1972 Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 The more I read about your inability to enjoy things in life, the more I believe you have dysthymia. You feel hollow inside right? None of the things that other people take joy in do anything for you. It would take an affair or going off to a far away country to peak your interest because that would raise the adrenaline, and then, for a short time, the other 'feel good' neurotransmitters. I do think you should see your doctor about this. Wellbutrin is actually one of the antidepressants that work well for dysthymia. (Of course, not for everyone, but a lot of people)
Gunny376 Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 First off get Suzie Ormans book "Women and Money" Read it cover to cover and then read it again. Second a woman in a local newspaper that dropped out of HS to get married, gave birth to three sons, two of which became MD's and another that joined the Marine Corps, that worked two to three jobs cleaning offices, houses, apartments? She made one drop out of a state college to keep his GPA from dropping from a 3.5 because although he was a genius at math he was stupid when it came to English! She made it, and so can you! Life is to freaking short to be unhappy!
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