Mexico update

[sedgwick]

Hi everyone! Greetings from Mexico. Going okay so far; got really sick with some kind of effed-up amoeba poisoning and a bad tooth abscess but am now doing much better (thanks, Cipro!) Having trouble with depression and leaving the house, but I'm fighting to do so.

 

It's been three years now since Joe left me and I still think of him every second of every day. I have never grieved like this about anything. I'm having a tough time enjoying myself here because all I think about is how I wish he could be here with me. I see things and want to show them to him but am reminded that I can't because I'm not good enough for him to speak to; because his life is better without me in it. I am trying to keep going and to enjoy myself, and I feel like a massive ingrate that I can't. I feel like there is something really wrong with me.

 

Things are going well otherwise. Got blurbs from everyone I wanted for the book. One of those people was my favorite storyteller/musician, who ended up really loving it and striking up a great email convo with me. We've been writing for a month now (he's married, so no dice on the romantic front) and he recommended I read at record stores instead of just bookstores, "because you're a rockstar." This should make me feel good, and it does. It's just that nothing means what it could, because Joe's not here, and I'm still not good enough for him.

 

I have a friend who went through a terrible divorce around the same time Joe left me. His wife of 20 years left him for another man. I recently spoke with my friend, and he's with someone else now and totally over his wife. I, on the other hand, haven't even had a date.

 

I had a chance to hear live music the other night but I just couldn't do it. Soon, though, maybe. Someday perhaps I will believe in myself again, whether he believes in me or not. I just wish that after three years it was a little bit better.

[shadowplay]

You've mentioned before that you have BPD. Have you ever done intensive dialectical behavioral therapy?

[sedgwick]

Ha, I've written here about how I did 1.5 years of it, and it's a major part of my book!

[shadowplay]

Sedg,

 

I just did a search for your past threads and see that you've been seeing a DBT therapist.

 

I find it a bit confusing. I just get the sense you're not making a really hard effort to get over him. It's not just about doing the right behavioral things, it's also about combating your own thoughts. You're surrendering to these thoughts without challenging them or trying to overcome them. Why? Don't you want to get over him? Do you have a DBT workbook and do you spend a good deal of effort every day following the exercises it suggests?

 

I've always gotten the sense from your posts that you're not really trying on a deep level. You act so defeated. It's like you're afraid to put him behind you because you feel like without him there will be this void of emptiness.

 

I also wonder about behavioral stuff, like you say you still spend a lot of time in your house. Why aren't you pushing yourself to get out more?? You KNOW this is the only way to get better, but you're not putting in the effort.

[shadowplay]

Ha, I've written here about how I did 1.5 years of it, and it's a major part of my book!

 

You should still be doing it! If you're still at the same place you were three years ago, then it hasn't really helped you yet.

 

Btw, this is all coming from somebody who has many of the features of BPD, if not the full blown disorder. I'm also dealing with a hard breakup, so I know what you're going through. I really want to see you doing better, Sedg.

[sedgwick]

I graduated from the program in '08. I am now living in Mexico. Yes, I practice the skills constantly, though with varying degrees of success. If I could go inpatient and do it all again, I would. If I could have ECT, at this point, I would. The depression is just massive. But it DID help in that this breakup never put me in the hospital.

 

If I knew how to force myself to get over him, I'd be over him. If dance and yoga and writing and talking to friends and crying it out and NC and therapy were going to work, they'd have worked. Yes, I feel quite defeated at this point. I just don't know what else to do. I want with all my heart to be over him, but I'm just not. I still miss him so deeply and feel there is so much unresolved about the relationship. It still feels like a death.

 

And I'm really sorry about your breakup. Is this art school guy from a few months ago?

Edited May 9, 2010 by sedgwick

[shadowplay]

I graduated from the program in '08. I am now living in Mexico. Yes, I practice the skills constantly, though with varying degrees of success. If I could go inpatient and do it all again, I would. If I could have ECT, at this point, I would. The depression is just massive. But it DID help in that this breakup never put me in the hospital.

 

If I knew how to force myself to get over him, I'd be over him. If dance and yoga and writing and talking to friends and crying it out and NC and therapy were going to work, they'd have worked. Yes, I feel quite defeated at this point. I just don't know what else to do. I want with all my heart to be over him, but I'm just not. I still miss him so deeply and feel there is so much unresolved about the relationship. It still feels like a death.

 

And I'm really sorry about your breakup. Is this art school guy from a few months ago?

 

Do you realize it's not really about him? It's about how you feel about yourself. On some level you think he's *better* than you, right?

 

This is how I was feeling until recently after the breakup with my boyfriend (he rejected me out of the blue).

 

I realized that a lot of the reason I was having trouble getting over him was because my attraction to him was partly based on admiration. I always assumed he was better than me -- more talented and stronger as a person -- so when he rejected me I felt diminished and empty inside.

 

What is it about yourself that you feel bad about on a deep level? I don't mean the fact that you're not a musician. Think back to before you were with him. In what ways have you always felt unworthy or inadequate? Have you not been as successful as you would have hoped? What is it?

[sedgwick]

Yeah, it's DEFINITELY due to feeling like he was way more talented and smarter and cooler, for sure! I admired him so much. I've never been with anyone who was as talented and driven and full of joy over what he does. I want to be that talented/smart/cool, and although on some level I guess I am (I mean, I found out my ISBN this week and stuff, and my book is now available for pre-order on amazon, and foreign rights sales are starting to happen, which is exciting), I look at the plain-looking banjo-playing girls in calico dresses he hangs out with and just feel SO inferior to them.

 

When I go back to NYC, I'm going to start taking music lessons. Not because I want him to know about it; I don't. But it would make ME feel a little better, I think, because it would demystify everything a bit.

[shadowplay]

Yeah, it's DEFINITELY due to feeling like he was way more talented and smarter and cooler, for sure! I admired him so much. I've never been with anyone who was as talented and driven and full of joy over what he does. I want to be that talented/smart/cool, and although on some level I guess I am (I mean, I found out my ISBN this week and stuff, and my book is now available for pre-order on amazon, and foreign rights sales are starting to happen, which is exciting), I look at the plain-looking banjo-playing girls in calico dresses he hangs out with and just feel SO inferior to them.

 

When I go back to NYC, I'm going to start taking music lessons. Not because I want him to know about it; I don't. But it would make ME feel a little better, I think, because it would demystify everything a bit.

 

What did you feel inferior about before you met him and he put this music obsession in your head?

[shadowplay]

Yeah, it's DEFINITELY due to feeling like he was way more talented and smarter and cooler, for sure! I admired him so much. I've never been with anyone who was as talented and driven and full of joy over what he does. I want to be that talented/smart/cool, and although on some level I guess I am (I mean, I found out my ISBN this week and stuff, and my book is now available for pre-order on amazon, and foreign rights sales are starting to happen, which is exciting), I look at the plain-looking banjo-playing girls in calico dresses he hangs out with and just feel SO inferior to them.

 

When I go back to NYC, I'm going to start taking music lessons. Not because I want him to know about it; I don't. But it would make ME feel a little better, I think, because it would demystify everything a bit.

 

Congrats on your book! That's awesome! :bunny:

 

I hate to say it but one of the things that helped me start to get over my ex is the fact that we both recently entered a juried art competition/show at my university, and I got an award while he didn't even get a spot in the show. This made me look at him in a different light. I suddenly realized I had been devaluing myself and overvaluing him.

[sedgwick]

What did you feel inferior about before you met him and he put this music obsession in your head?

 

Everything! I am the biggest unsatisfied perfectionist who ever lived.

[shadowplay]

Everything! I am the biggest unsatisfied perfectionist who ever lived.

 

Ha, I'm a perfectionist too. But could you give me more specifics? What are some of the things you were down on yourself about before you met him that are potentially within your control? What are some of the things that weren't in your control?

[GrayClouds]

Everything! I am the biggest unsatisfied perfectionist who ever lived.

 

Regularity, order, desire for perfection destroy art. Irregularity is the basis of all art. Renior

[PinkToes]

Hi Sedg, I've been away for awhile so had to catch up on your new adventure. Good for you for taking on a new experience, especially if you're still dealing with depression! That's a huge step for anyone and most of us aren't brave enough to take the chance. Good for you.

 

I'm sorry you're still spending any amount of energy on your loser ex. I know he has a lot of positive traits, but some of the crap he pulled on you devalues him quite a bit in my book. I still miss my ex after more than a year, and I would take him back in a heartbeat, but I have a pretty clear picture of his faults as well as his strengths, and I think that helps me a great deal.

 

Joe doesn't deserve the pedestal you're putting him on; you have accomplished at least as much as he has, and you've done it without treating those you love with such cruel disdain.

 

The only thing I can suggest is that you make an effort to not think about him so much. The thoughts enter your head on their own, but it's up to you how long they stay. If something you see or do makes you wish he were with you, replace that thought with the truth about the way he treated you at the end. You are choosing to dwell on the thoughts and let them bring you down. IMO, that's keeping you tied to an idealized memory that makes it impossible to let go.

[Always A Lesson]

You' re not letting Joe go because you don't want to!

 

 

You' re holding on to him because you must be a very devoted, faithful person, and by keeping him close in your mind it's like he's still with you....

 

 

But After 3 years.........??

 

 

Be careful. It's a very thin line between sanity an insanity.

 

Our minds will begin to play tricks on us.

 

You are not allowing yourself to let go... for whatever reason, it may be deeper than you think.

 

You're a an intelligent writer but yet you remain in a one-sided R that doesn't exist.

 

It's becoming/became unhealthy.....

 

It's time to let go...for your mental well-being.

 

I get sad when I read your posts.......

 

 

Such a waste of a beautiful life, holding onto a love that has gone....

 

You are short-changing yourself, but I do understand, you don't know how to let go.

 

What an injustice....

 

 

I have found that our minds are so much stronger than you would ever imagine.....

 

Here are some examples:

 

There are infertile women who want children so bad that they begin to have symptoms of pregnacy and are not even pregnant.. I've even heard that periods will stop.....they experience bloating, food cravings etc.

 

What about anxiety attacks, anxiety manifest itself into all sorts of ways, panic attacks, heart palpatations, sweats, the lists go on and on...

 

 

My point is this.....

 

Those were examples of how strong our minds can be.......

 

You've put Joe in a place in your mind that you will not allow yourself to let him go.... same premise.

 

 

You're almost going to have to fool your mind into letting him go......

 

But you have to want to let him go in order for this to happen, you're going to have to get really tired of holding on to him, and get really frustrated and want more out of life, before any change happens.

 

 

You're holding yourself in a prison, but you've created your own bars...

 

how tragic.....

[jlr]

Sedg,

 

You've got so much going for yourself, you've got to cut this out. You're putting out a book for christ's sake. Who gives a **** if he's a musician? I'm a musician, we're not mystical magical creatures. We're just people. And some of us are *******s. Joe sounds like one of them. He dumped you because you're not a musician? Bull****. If that's what he said, it's a lie. He dumped you because he's an *******. That's it. It wasn't meant to be. Your amazing talents will be appreciated by someone else. Hell, a writer? That's the same thing as a musician. You do the same things. You create art. You put yourself into something creative. There's musicians who'd kill to be writers. Creative people gel with creative people. You don't have to do the SAME thing. I know plenty of friends who are writers, painters, clothing makers - we all come from the same thread. So his bull**** excuse is just wrong. And it's made you obsess over it. The truth is, it wasn't meant to be. And he was a piece of crap. There's plenty of musicians with NON musician girlfriends. In fact, I'm sure it's more unlikely for two musicians to date, than not. The point is, it wouldn't have mattered if you were John Lennon - that wasn't the problem. If he loved you enough, he'd still be there.

 

And I'm writing this to motivate myself. I do the same thing you do. I put her on this pedestal. And I've allowed my life to just be put on hold. We have to stop this. We have to stop this because there's no other option. Living like this isn't going to be good for us.

 

There's people out there who will appreciate you for who you are. We need to open our hearts and allow that chance to come.

 

I'm pulling for you. You seem like an awesome person, with amazing talents and heart. Don't let this jerk do this to you any longer.

 

I see some of myself in your posts. And it makes me see how wrong it all is.

 

Kick ass with that book.

[McGrupp]

hes no bon jovi.

 

i think you should go out and date ASAP.

 

whens the last time u got laid?

[sedgwick]

whens the last time u got laid?

 

The day he left me: July 17, 2007. I haven't been flirted with in the slightest since then. Not even a little bit.

[shadowplay]

The day he left me: July 17, 2007. I haven't been flirted with in the slightest since then. Not even a little bit.

 

Sedg, you never nswered my question about what you specifically felt down on yourself about before you met Joe. What were some of the things you felt bad about that are in your control and which things aren't?

[sedgwick]

Sedg, you never nswered my question about what you specifically felt down on yourself about before you met Joe. What were some of the things you felt bad about that are in your control and which things aren't?

 

The biggest thing is my appearance, particularly my weight. I'm about a size 12 now and have been everything from a 2 to a 16. So this is, at least to some degree, within my control, but when I was a size 2 I felt just as fat as I do now. I have always felt bad about pretty much everything I do -- nothing is EVER, EVER good enough. I'm good at hiding it and not letting people see I feel this way, and in fact I think I come off as fairly confident in person (at least if you don't know me very well.) I never let Joe see any insecurity because I didn't want to bug him with it. I worked really hard to be the best possible version of myself when I was with him, but obviously it still wasn't good enough. Meh.

 

Basically, I'm this insane overachiever who always feels a huge, insurmountable pressure to achieve more. It has been this way my whole life. I don't like feeling that there's ANYTHING I can't control if I work hard enough. But then, I worked harder at my relationship with him than I ever thought possible, and...yeah. Left anyway.

[shadowplay]

The biggest thing is my appearance, particularly my weight. I'm about a size 12 now and have been everything from a 2 to a 16. So this is, at least to some degree, within my control, but when I was a size 2 I felt just as fat as I do now. I have always felt bad about pretty much everything I do -- nothing is EVER, EVER good enough. I'm good at hiding it and not letting people see I feel this way, and in fact I think I come off as fairly confident in person (at least if you don't know me very well.) I never let Joe see any insecurity because I didn't want to bug him with it. I worked really hard to be the best possible version of myself when I was with him, but obviously it still wasn't good enough. Meh.

 

Basically, I'm this insane overachiever who always feels a huge, insurmountable pressure to achieve more. It has been this way my whole life. I don't like feeling that there's ANYTHING I can't control if I work hard enough. But then, I worked harder at my relationship with him than I ever thought possible, and...yeah. Left anyway.

 

Wow, we have a lot in common! Being perfectionistic must be a Borderline trait.

 

I'm also a massive control freak, but I often try to control things that aren't within my power to control while neglecting things that I can actually control.

 

Are you willing to accept the fact that you can't control certain things (such as other people)?

 

Also, are there areas of your life that you neglect because you're afraid of failure or because you're too focused on trying to control the things that you can't?

 

Something occurred to me. If you're anything like me and other people with BPD you're probably overly self-focused. While your book is an awesome achievement, I wonder if you'd feel more fulfilled if you changed your focus with your future writing. Let me explain. I remember you saying your book was about your journey to tattoo your whole body. It's very self-focused. That doesn't make it less interesting to other people, but I think that self-focus may detract from your own sense of fulfillment in the creative process.

 

Borderlines often struggle with feeling empty inside. That's partly because they're so self-focused that they don't connect enough with the outside world. No one can be happy in a vacuum. If the subject matter of your writing is yourself, you're not really reaching outside yourself to connect with other things, people, ideas. You're also not engaging in as much creation because you're recording things that you already have experienced, thought and felt. Personally I find that I feel most fulfilled as an artist when I create something that only relates to me very indirectly. Also my art tends to be better when it's less self focused. And it takes away that empty feeling. And most importantly it forces me to stop thinking about myself and wallowing in my own thoughts.

 

For your next book or piece of writing you might consider trying this approach. It's worked for me.

 

I don't think the body image issues are worth addressing head on, because they're a symptom of the problem. If you really want to tackle the root cause focus on things that legitimately lead to improved self esteem like becoming a better artist, reaching outside yourself, getting to know more people and doing good things for yourself.

[CLC2008]

You're so lucky you're in Mexico....

 

Do you like tequila?

 

Hot like Mexico!

[Sadbutrelieved]

Hi Sedgwick! I'm glad to hear you're doing well. I haven't been on for a while, and I wondered how you are doing. I still have hopes of getting away someday...enjoy Mexico!