martha74 Posted January 23, 2004 Posted January 23, 2004 Hello, Perhaps not a unique situation to this forum, but a unique situation to me. I am a 29 year old female. I love my boyfriend - we have lived together for 2 years and have discussed marriage. He is previously divorced. He is a great boyfriend and great friend - but I don't have those panic feelings when he walks into a room. It's comfortable and sweet - but not CRAZY or passionate. We have the ideal situation, and my family would kill me for ending the relationship. House, dog, jobs etc.... And, I understand that a relationship eventually develops a comfortable groove and that the chemistry may relax....and for 85% of the time feel very content with that. But, as the idea of a proposal draws nearer...that 15% is becoming more relevant. When I go out with my girlfriends and hit the town, and I meet other men, I love it. I mean - I love the attention, the flirting, the fun, and the way it make me feel. I understand that this is very superficial, but it is a common theme that keeps introducing itself. I am concerned that these feelings (which I am just admitting to now) are an indication of what I feel about my relationship. Is it possible that he isn't it for me - for no other apparent reason than I'm just not ready? I mean - I'm a grown woman, I should know myself better than this! I would never cheat and believe that a committment is a committment. This is probably why I am so freaked out by my feelings.... I am just fearful of a lifetime of wondering "what if's".....and I am looking at the "what if's" from BOTH perspectives. Any one out there have any similar experience? If so, what did you do?
SoleMate Posted January 23, 2004 Posted January 23, 2004 You're being honest with yourself when you describe those great flirting feelings. My opinion: Don't expect a long term relationship to be fireworks and pounding heart all the time, but I wouldn't recommend marrying unless you feel that of all the men in any bar, HIS attention means the most to you. We have the ideal situation, and my family would kill me for ending the relationship. House, dog, jobs etc.... Well, you're a bit young to settle into a rut because your family thinks it's a good one. Back to the flirting at the bar...can you imagine yourself ever being so in love that you really only want one man? If so, wait until you find that one man. And also realize that when you marry, and especially start having kids, girls' nights at the bar will happen less often. You'll be at home with Mr. X. Do you enjoy his company so much that the two of you can happily spend many nights together alone, or are you already bored with him and/or yourself?
julieg Posted January 23, 2004 Posted January 23, 2004 you are so right about the girls nite out. i ABSOLUTELY LOVED going out to happy hours and flirting and meeting new guys every friday. then one night i found myself calling a fellow i had been dating FROM the payphone booth at happy hour "just to chat" for 30 minutes. needless to say this guy is now my husband. there was no question at the time what was more intriquing to me.
martha74 Posted January 23, 2004 Posted January 23, 2004 Thanks for the responses - how silly I feel!! The interesting note was "are you bored with him or yourself"? I'm bored with myself, which I think has alot to do with this situation. When we moved in together I feel as though I gave up a lot of independence and steam ... and spent alot of my energy fitting into his life and his home (he shared the house with the exwife So, I might have lost myself in the process. Thanks, good food for thought - looking forward to more posts!
jmargel Posted January 26, 2004 Posted January 26, 2004 Like you said that 'attention' is all superficial. With any relationship you have to keep that 'feeling' alive. You have to be 'in' love as well as just loving that person. You need to do special things together. You still need to go out on dates with each other. My girlfriend will be moving in soon, and I told her that no matter what, I don't want us to change. With my ex-fiancee we lived together but all the little things like going out to special places, etc.. stopped over time. We lost that feeling for each other then. Its always nice to be complimented or desired by someone else. That's natural. It takes work to keep a relationship strong, which also means making sure the other person feels like they are wanted & loved. You need to show it, not just say it.
Thinkalot Posted January 26, 2004 Posted January 26, 2004 Good advice so far. The more you give, the more you get! Also worth remembering. All relationships go through ups and downs. In the longterm, comfort and companionship and love, replace the other feelings that come from meeting new people and so on. But you do need to keep the spark alive. Sometimes I think we just panic about making such a big decision to marry. That's normal. It's good to really think about it all, lots don't. I've done lots of thinking about things like this myself. Remember, whoever you are with will eventually do little things which bug you and so on. Personally, I have assessed my guy so much, that I am now sure he is the one for me, even though not every single thing is perfect. It never is, never will be! I did not come to this decision lightly by any means. Be objective, make a list of all the things you love about him. Dont make the mistake of thinking the grass is greener somewhere else. If you are bored, do stuff to reclaim your sense of "self". I'm in the process of doing that now too!
jenny Posted January 27, 2004 Posted January 27, 2004 wow; i really identify with your post. i've been a party girl (a reasonable one, mind you, it never got in the way or school or drained money) for quite awhile before i got engaged. it's difficult to describe how much natural euphoria is available in those situations; it spoils one, a bit, for simpler pleasures. you feel so completely alive in a way that usually only comes from playing rugby. you can't compare it to domestic contentedness; it's a false analogy. they are two totally different feelings. for me, i just had to decide that i have been lucky to experience so much of what life has to offer in terms of bacchanalian pleasures, and move one with the next stage of my life. interestingly, i was also growing bored with myself, even in that context. he's roughly in the same culture, and he was bored with it too, so we decided to try creating a new story for ourselves, if that makes sense. when we feel the urge to go wild, we try to sublimate by doing some extreme sport or try something we've never done before. or we get another cat . i think it was erickson who talked about adapting to different roles in life - i am ready to move on to Wife, but it took the this guy to make that happen. to be perfectly honest, i'm neither ectastic nor hyper; i just feel calm, and right, about it. someone on made forum made a great distinction between joy and fun that i can't forget. neither one is better, there are just different times in life for each.
Thinkalot Posted January 27, 2004 Posted January 27, 2004 Jenny, that's a great bit of advice too, and really makes sense. For many years I was so independent and single and did what I wanted when I wanted, without having to consider anyone else. Now I have given some things up, but have learned of the joy and happiness which can come from planning things with another, and of compromising to make another happy. Out of curiosity Jenny, how long have you and your fiance known each other/been together? Also, I appreciated the comments about not feeling "super excited" but feeling calm and knowing it's right. I oscillate and sometimes panic if I am not feeling super "in love"/"excited". I am only now learning to understand that those feelings ebb and flow in their intensity, and I really need not panic every time they wane a bit. It's normal. And probably in my personal situation at the moment, healthy!
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