Author Fieldsofgold Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 Thank you WF. (prev. Post) "He did tell me that he had gone to counseling in the past, and the counselor told him he would not change until he has a significant relationship/marriage. One where he experiences true intimacy." He may have actually been told that, but I think he threw it out to me as bait. "COULD I be the one to rescue this poor man, to make THE difference in his life?" it sounded like manipulative bait when I heard it the first time, and it still does. I wrote a long post yesterday but I see it got lost somewhere between my phone and the board. Grrr. If I can I'll re-post today. Have been traveling - driving, and not much time to read. Hopefully today I can catch up on everyone. About people changing -- they may change as a result of counseling, but are we willing to take the chance that they might have a "slip?" How badly would it impact us if they did? That, I think, is the thought process in my mind. FO, to answer your question -- I don't know. I think there are a lot of women that would stop all contact if they could answer that question. I wrote about it yesterday. (that got lost). I'll try again today. It feels somewhere between a compulsion and an addiction, but I don't know. Today, I am seething angry. A low boil. I am trying to hold on to that. It makes NC easy. It may not be a GOOD reason for NC. it may not be a noble reason for NC. It may be appealing to the basest part of my nature. But if it works . . . It's good.
Author Fieldsofgold Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 This has not been a good week. I need to do things differently. Monday he did not contact me at all, nor I him. I missed all the sweet notes he would normally send all day long. it was a hard day. I kept reminding myself it was all lies, anyway. Tuesday, he sent sweet notes all day long, but I didn't reply. It was a hard day. Wednesday, I got to thinking about how he takes care of W and OW (I don't know if I was OW or OOW). I want a man who is there for **me** only. Sitting in the restaurant at 6:45 having breakfast, watching all the older couples come in. I want a man who is committed to me -- all the time, *in a relationship I can enjoy openly, and don't have to sneak around or be ashamed of.* Yesterday I went to a work-related function and he was there (I knew he would be). I thought I could handle it. Not so good. Seeing him drove home the reality of what he is, and what he has done - to all his women He tried to tell me how much he loves me, BUT he can't just dump the OW. That *just wouldn't be right,* He said. He gave her his word. I reminded him that he gave his wife "his word" too, along with vows and legal papers, but it doesn't seem to bother him a bit to go back on his "word" to her. I would be lying if I said I didn't have some very strong feelings for him, after seeing him there. I don't understand that. I know he's a jerk. I know he's a creep. But he can put such a spin on things, it almost sounds like HE'S the victim, and he can almost make me believe it! It occurred to me today - and I'm not saying I would do this - but it occurred to me if I really want to get over him, if I really want to have NC, I bet his wife would be glad to help me! I really think I need to go NC. I don't need his "spin" messing with my head. Tonight the thought of even talking to him is so distasteful. And I wonder what in the world I was thinking to even look his way yesterday.
jthorne Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 You said it yourself, dear. You miss the sweet notes, you miss the attention, you miss the way he made you feel. It's completely understandable. You must just remember that all of that came at a hefty price. I know you don't want to be the OW, which you know that's what you'll be if you stay with this guy. He's shown you who his character and who he really is by being a serial cheater. You know you deserve better. There will be nice single men to come along and send you sweet notes and give you that attention that you deserve.
Mimolicious Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 Whoa! This dude sounds like a real winner. Run for your life now! He doesn't even love himself. I know we cant help who we fall in love with but why would you want to love someone that is able to use, abuse and lie to those who love him?! What kills me is how these 2 chicks are so "concerned" for the SOB! Cut the loser off and find yourself a single guy who doesn't have all this drama. You wouldn't be able to trust him, so what's the point?!
Author Fieldsofgold Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 This morning I sent him a N/C email. I was thinking about what a shame it is that he is a SC because we had chemistry that was REALLY SOMETHING SPECIAL. Then it occurred to me that probably most people in affairs think that - that's why they get in and stay in the affair. So, if it's common for people in an affair to have that chemistry, then it really isn't anything that special, after all. It's a phenomenon common to an affair. Somehow, it helped me to realize that. That makes it seem less like a "once-in-a-lifetime" chance, and totally replaceable. (even though it doesn't seem like it at the moment. I called the phone company about blocking his number. They charge a monthly fee for that, so I will just use the delete button instead.
Mimolicious Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 I believe they start out with ignorant gilrs and try to move on to more intelligent ones. I think they're so bored that they improve their game with something more challenging each time. I think I could write a book on this but I'll hold off for now. I wish you the best and hope you keep on posting until this is all past you. Hugs. I'm a little confused here... What is this supposed to mean? That the OOW 2.0 is more "intelligent" and stimulating that let's say his W or OW? How is someone that knows the kind of mess a MM has with not one but two other women more intelligent and challenging? Where's the upgrade? Would it be safe to say that sometimes they can also look for ignorant, naive and insecured women to fool?
jthorne Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 (edited) This morning I sent him a N/C email. Good for you! I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders when I sent mine. I hope you do too. Now, don't feel obligated to respond to any response he sends to you- you aren't obligated to do so. I was thinking about what a shame it is that he is a SC because we had chemistry that was REALLY SOMETHING SPECIAL. Then it occurred to me that probably most people in affairs think that - that's why they get in and stay in the affair. So, if it's common for people in an affair to have that chemistry, then it really isn't anything that special, after all. It's a phenomenon common to an affair. Somehow, it helped me to realize that. That makes it seem less like a "once-in-a-lifetime" chance, and totally replaceable. (even though it doesn't seem like it at the moment.) Yes, I agree. After hanging out here for awhile, you have to admit that there are a lot of similarities amongst A's. I called the phone company about blocking his number. They charge a monthly fee for that, so I will just use the delete button instead.I always felt something empowering about hitting that delete button. When I first got here, someone (I wish I could remember who) said, "There's nothing that says F*ck You like NC." It's true! Edited May 17, 2010 by jthorne
PhoenixRise Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 FieldsofGold You must be a pretty special lady if neighborhood children unrelated to you went to such lengths to protect your heart. Good luck to you.
jthorne Posted May 17, 2010 Posted May 17, 2010 (edited) I'm a little confused here... What is this supposed to mean? That the OOW 2.0 is more "intelligent" and stimulating that let's say his W or OW? How is someone that knows the kind of mess a MM has with not one but two other women more intelligent and challenging? Where's the upgrade? Would it be safe to say that sometimes they can also look for ignorant, naive and insecured women to fool?Not speaking for WF, but I think both serial cheaters and single "players" tend to be predatory. So they will choose what they deem to be easy to manipulate. As they get more comfortable in their game, they will choose women that pose more of a challenge. It's not a slam to any of their victims, as it really has nothing to do with them OR the W- the point is it's all a game of manipulation to a SC. Edited May 17, 2010 by jthorne
Author Fieldsofgold Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 I'm a little confused here... What is this supposed to mean? That the OOW 2.0 is more "intelligent" and stimulating that let's say his W or OW? How is someone that knows the kind of mess a MM has with not one but two other women more intelligent and challenging? Where's the upgrade? Would it be safe to say that sometimes they can also look for ignorant, naive and insecured women to fool? I really think there is something about me that sticks out like a red flag, that says "vulnerable" but apparently not as much as the other two, because once I learned of his true status, I did extract myself. (I truly feel sorry for his W.)
Author Fieldsofgold Posted May 17, 2010 Author Posted May 17, 2010 I really think there is something about me that sticks out like a red flag, that says "vulnerable" but apparently not as much as the other two, because once I learned of his true status, I did extract myself. (I truly feel sorry for his W.) I would feel sorrier for the OW, but she is/has been really nasty. Also, she, by her own admission, left a wonderful and loving husband for this guy, knowing that he was married. So she knew what she was signing on for. I think the only thing that makes me "smarter" than either of these women, is that I have enough sense to know to get the h*ll out, and not spend 10 years of my life waiting for him to commit to me, as they have.
Author Fieldsofgold Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 OK, what part of "get lost" does he not understand. I sent the NC email at 8:00 Monday morning. He has NOT acknowledged it in ANY way! He has, however, continued to text me, as though nothing has changed! What is THAT about? I mean, I said some pretty harsh things to him. There should be NO doubt in his mind what I think of him, how I feel, or what I expect not to happen. He is texting away, as though it's just another lovely day in the neighborhood. It occurs to me, as he does this, that I feel like he is really violating my boundaries, yet again.
Author Fieldsofgold Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 FieldsofGold You must be a pretty special lady if neighborhood children unrelated to you went to such lengths to protect your heart. Good luck to you. Thank you. My kids are special (in a lot of ways LOL!)
Author Fieldsofgold Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 good for you! I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders when i sent mine. I hope you do too. Now, don't feel obligated to respond to any response he sends to you- you aren't obligated to do so. Yes, i agree. After hanging out here for awhile, you have to admit that there are a lot of similarities amongst a's. I always felt something empowering about hitting that delete button. When i first got here, someone (i wish i could remember who) said, "there's nothing that says f*ck you like nc." it's true! i like this!
Author Fieldsofgold Posted May 19, 2010 Author Posted May 19, 2010 This man is a trip! This retired career military, still gainfully employed man can afford a lovely large home, all expenses paid, for his non-working wife, and a lovely, not quite so large home, all expenses paid, for his (non-working) girlfriend, but he just texted me that he can't leave either one . . . drum roll please . . . Unless I let him move in with ME, because he can't afford to support himself. Awwww :'( delete! (my intelligence has now been completely insulted)
2sunny Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 This man is a trip! This retired career military, still gainfully employed man can afford a lovely large home, all expenses paid, for his non-working wife, and a lovely, not quite so large home, all expenses paid, for his (non-working) girlfriend, but he just texted me that he can't leave either one . . . drum roll please . . . Unless I let him move in with ME, because he can't afford to support himself. Awwww :'( delete! (my intelligence has now been completely insulted) aaaawwww, and so now you know what he really wanted you for. he's a bigger jerk than i originally thought. and now you know what purpose his OOW serves for him too... remember that he probably hasn't told you any truths. and that the info from the W and OOW is probably just the tip of the iceberg.
ladydesigner Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 This man is a trip! This retired career military, still gainfully employed man can afford a lovely large home, all expenses paid, for his non-working wife, and a lovely, not quite so large home, all expenses paid, for his (non-working) girlfriend, but he just texted me that he can't leave either one . . . drum roll please . . . Unless I let him move in with ME, because he can't afford to support himself. Awwww :'( delete! (my intelligence has now been completely insulted) Whaaaaaatttttt????? *eyes popping out of head* I have heard it all now:lmao: Your XMM sounds like a real POS
Mimolicious Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 This man is a trip! This retired career military, still gainfully employed man can afford a lovely large home, all expenses paid, for his non-working wife, and a lovely, not quite so large home, all expenses paid, for his (non-working) girlfriend, but he just texted me that he can't leave either one . . . drum roll please . . . Unless I let him move in with ME, because he can't afford to support himself. Awwww :'( delete! (my intelligence has now been completely insulted) :lmao: No pun intended but this is classic!!!!! OMG! My BFF married a divorcee with 2 kids and a non-working exW. He has to pay $38,000 in alimony ONLY. Yet, my BFF has to pay half of all the bills. Guess what? they are heading to divorce court after a year. I warned her!!! While the exW sits at home on Ebay all day, my BFF works to basically help this idiot make ends meet. I would put a cap on someone's a$$! People are crazy! FOG- He could have suggested buying a larger home, with 3 different living quarters. Like a mother-daughter but a wifey#1, Wifey#2, Wifey#3 lay-out. (I kidd, I kidd!)
White Flower Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 (edited) My OP: I believe they start out with ignorant gilrs and try to move on to more intelligent ones. I think they're so bored that they improve their game with something more challenging each time. I think I could write a book on this but I'll hold off for now. I wish you the best and hope you keep on posting until this is all past you. Hugs. I'm a little confused here... What is this supposed to mean? That the OOW 2.0 is more "intelligent" and stimulating that let's say his W or OW? How is someone that knows the kind of mess a MM has with not one but two other women more intelligent and challenging? Where's the upgrade? Would it be safe to say that sometimes they can also look for ignorant, naive and insecured women to fool?Sorry Mimolicious, I'm just seeing this post today. I wouldn't say there is neccessarily an upgrade because that would be kind of cruel. And I'm sure each SC has a different agenda. Barring that, I'm sure...I think I said 'I believe'...that most SC do go for higher challenges as they add more notches to their belt. Young blonde babe was fun but older brunette with a degree might be able to carry an intelligent conversation. The cougar may even have a few vacation homes and her own business. See what I mean. This concept is true for everyone if you think about it. We always try to better ourselves which includes challenging ourselves. And this is no different for SCs. To me, from what FoG tells us, and without saying it, she sounds like the smarter one, the more challenging one to MM. Not speaking for WF, but I think both serial cheaters and single "players" tend to be predatory. So they will choose what they deem to be easy to manipulate. As they get more comfortable in their game, they will choose women that pose more of a challenge. It's not a slam to any of their victims, as it really has nothing to do with them OR the W- the point is it's all a game of manipulation to a SC.I couldn't have said it better. Thanks jthorne, especially since I came in late. I really think there is something about me that sticks out like a red flag, that says "vulnerable" but apparently not as much as the other two, because once I learned of his true status, I did extract myself. (I truly feel sorry for his W.)I asked MM a long time ago if he sensed a vulnerability in me and he said no, he was just attracted to me. He really fought off turning this into an A and kept it at 'friends' level for about a year and a half. I think he was really fighting it and he almost won! But... BTW, I know his entire history. His repertoire of OW started out very ditzy, fun, and NSA sex. Deeper Rs developed with deeper women over the years. Oh, and they may set out to fool a woman whether smart or naive, but sometimes they end up being fooled themselves. Just look at FoG's man! Edited May 21, 2010 by White Flower added line
White Flower Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 This man is a trip! This retired career military, still gainfully employed man can afford a lovely large home, all expenses paid, for his non-working wife, and a lovely, not quite so large home, all expenses paid, for his (non-working) girlfriend, but he just texted me that he can't leave either one . . . drum roll please . . . Unless I let him move in with ME, because he can't afford to support himself. Awwww :'( delete! (my intelligence has now been completely insulted) I agree with Mimolicious, too classic!!!
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