Question about regret

[kis]

I often read threads where well meaning former OW or OM give advice to someone considering an affiar to backoff and stop all contact. But if you go back and read their stories they say even though it ended it badly they are glad they had the experience and would not change it if given the change to redo it. Thoughts??

[BB07]

I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I regret the affair. My man was separated when he and I started seeing each other, we fell in love hard and fast, but he felt he had to go back to the marriage. In hindsight, I wish that I had cut it off then and there. Of course I have no way of knowing but I think that if I had walked then, that the time that he stayed in the marriage would have been shorter, but there isn't any way of knowing that for sure. Seeing him during the time he was married just complicated everything even more and has left us both with baggage that it would have been better not to have.

[silverplanets]

I learnt from it because I had no choice but to do so. If I could go back in time to just before I met her then I would and I would lead myself the other way ...

 

The reality is that all the time I was involved with her I wasn't free to meet someone whom was truly there for me .... and that I didn't love myself enough to realise that at the time is something I've learnt to forgive myself for.

 

NC between 6 months and a year now (have stopped counting) ... and the further I get from it the more I realise what a waste of over 10 years it was.

 

My parents didn't raise me so that I could be the plaster on someone elses self infliced injury ... they got married ,not me !!!

 

So no, I would not ever say it was worth it.

 

Be safe all - there is SO much life once you get away from them ....

 

Chris

 

Single, happy, raising his daughter and feeling human again x

[White Flower]

I often read threads where well meaning former OW or OM give advice to someone considering an affiar to backoff and stop all contact. But if you go back and read their stories they say even though it ended it badly they are glad they had the experience and would not change it if given the change to redo it. Thoughts??

I learned a lot which I couldn't have done had I not been involved in the A.

 

For me it was timing though. Yesterday was the first day I did something that I regret and wish now that I just ended it instead of confront him on something that just drove us both crazy. Ending it before that would have meant self-preservation for me and would have saved him unneccessary pain. So, up to a point I didn't regret it and if this had been two days ago I would have said no regrets. Almost 5 years into the A. It was time to end it (which I did, see my thread).

[jennie-jennie]

Still in the extramarital relationship, but from my history I know I never regret past relationships. So why would I regret this relationship which has contained some of the best moments in my life?

[joey66]

I often read threads where well meaning former OW or OM give advice to someone considering an affiar to backoff and stop all contact. But if you go back and read their stories they say even though it ended it badly they are glad they had the experience and would not change it if given the change to redo it. Thoughts??

 

I think that most OM/OW would/do give the advice to avoid the A in the first place. The highs and lows are so dramatic that it can wreck your whole life. Nobody ever does that, though.

[delirious]

To experience true happiness you have to experience true sadness. In other words, you have to experience them together and the degree of either is the deciding factor as to whether to continue.

[her_halo_slipped]

I often read threads where well meaning former OW or OM give advice to someone considering an affiar to backoff and stop all contact. But if you go back and read their stories they say even though it ended it badly they are glad they had the experience and would not change it if given the change to redo it. Thoughts??

I for one definately would not have entered into my A with MM had I had a crystal ball and could have seen the ending. Now in hindsight and the experience of it tucked under my belt I regret it and would not contemplate another one. The fires are all but burnt out on this one and the smouldering embers are left to be extinguished before I can say with any true certainty that it is over, never ever to be revisited. Ending it has been a longer process than I expected:o but I hope I have the strength to maintain NC and join the other ex A survivors here on LS.

 

So I concur with whoever gave you the advice.....don't start an A. I'm not sure you can stop all contact but you should be very aware of any contact you have.

[Heather1]

There's not much you can do but hope for the best & try & move forward, so part of that is not regretting & trying to learn from it. Still, the love (you feel, AP does not), the isolation, the stuff you can't tell ANYONE, and the huge blow to your self esteem I wouldn't recommend to anyone. My xOM changed his tune IMMEDIATELY after sex. So I felt great the whole time while he pursued me & didn't see the bad coming. It happened the day after we had sex, and hasn't changed since on a year & a half. So no, wouldn't recommend anyone walk in my shoes. I have to chose to look at the "good" or I'll go insane.

[White Flower]

Still in the extramarital relationship, but from my history I know I never regret past relationships. So why would I regret this relationship which has contained some of the best moments in my life?

Good point. I should point out that I regretted an action, one of not ending it sooner (before I cracked) to avoid pain on both sides. But I have to say I don't regret meeting and knowing him or our R. I learned a lot.

 

Delirioius also makes a good point. Sometimes we can't appreciate the highs if we've never really been low.

 

If there were no plain people, we wouldn't recognize others as beautiful.

[wheelwright]

For me the whole of the regret I feel lies in the damage done to others.

 

For myself, save this factor, it was worth the pain.

 

I feel guilty to say it when it caused others pain, but he was the love of my life, and I am conflicted about whether I regret it. I have to regret it, but it is part of me now.

 

And how can you truly regret the love of your life?

 

The OW who regret it so have maybe reconstrued their APs in the light of outcome. Or because they feel inside they were duped.

 

Or maybe they realise it wasn't love.

 

Or maybe they are healthy individuals who do it to protect their hearts.

 

Or maybe the insanity of an A never gets resolved in their hearts - he loved me, but he couldn't have loved me if he treated me that way.

 

Mostly, we learn that an A isn't a good way to start a R, and we pass that on to others.

[MizzBlue72]

For me? I wish I would have met STBDMM somewhere else under different circumstances. Do I regret the way we met? No, because I met him.

I love him - he loves me. We each had our own regrets here and there, and we each know that we would never ever date another married person - we know that NSA affairs are not real. Neither one of us can have that type of contact without feeling it - emotions.

So regret? no. I do not regret it. Now - if I could go back and rewrite history - hells yes!! Everyone would

[White Flower]

For me the whole of the regret I feel lies in the damage done to others.

 

For myself, save this factor, it was worth the pain.

 

I feel guilty to say it when it caused others pain, but he was the love of my life, and I am conflicted about whether I regret it. I have to regret it, but it is part of me now.

 

And how can you truly regret the love of your life?

 

The OW who regret it so have maybe reconstrued their APs in the light of outcome. Or because they feel inside they were duped.

 

Or maybe they realise it wasn't love.

 

Or maybe they are healthy individuals who do it to protect their hearts.

 

Or maybe the insanity of an A never gets resolved in their hearts - he loved me, but he couldn't have loved me if he treated me that way.

 

Mostly, we learn that an A isn't a good way to start a R, and we pass that on to others.

Great post WW! As always.

[ladydesigner]

There's not much you can do but hope for the best & try & move forward, so part of that is not regretting & trying to learn from it. Still, the love (you feel, AP does not), the isolation, the stuff you can't tell ANYONE, and the huge blow to your self esteem I wouldn't recommend to anyone. My xOM changed his tune IMMEDIATELY after sex. So I felt great the whole time while he pursued me & didn't see the bad coming. It happened the day after we had sex, and hasn't changed since on a year & a half. So no, wouldn't recommend anyone walk in my shoes. I have to chose to look at the "good" or I'll go insane.

 

God girl your story sounds a lot like mine. My XOM's tune changed after we had sex too and I didn't really enjoy the sex with him... ha... then he tells me he's not really that into sex:confused:...okay.

 

Well while I so wish I never had the A, I'm glad for the learning experience that I will never allow myself to feel sucked in like that again. I know how to spot an EA before it becomes a PA and I know what conversations are okay to have with a co-worker and what is not okay. Do I regret the A... every single F**king day.

[ladydesigner]

For me the whole of the regret I feel lies in the damage done to others.

 

For myself, save this factor, it was worth the pain.

 

I feel guilty to say it when it caused others pain, but he was the love of my life, and I am conflicted about whether I regret it. I have to regret it, but it is part of me now.

 

And how can you truly regret the love of your life?

 

The OW who regret it so have maybe reconstrued their APs in the light of outcome. Or because they feel inside they were duped.

 

Or maybe they realise it wasn't love.

 

Or maybe they are healthy individuals who do it to protect their hearts.

 

Or maybe the insanity of an A never gets resolved in their hearts - he loved me, but he couldn't have loved me if he treated me that way.

 

Mostly, we learn that an A isn't a good way to start a R, and we pass that on to others.

 

Yes yes and yes. Very well said WW I agree this is spot on for me.

[alg24]

In life I never regret anything for the fact I already made that decision...

 

BUT if I could rewind time I would have chosen to have not entered into the A. The A hurt MANY people (Myself, BS, children, etc.) And the pain and baggage I have to take with me will last a very long time. I started my A young (19 years old and it ended/ending now at the end of 21) I find myself bitter, angry, and in a great deal of pain. Its my fault, and I willing entered into it but wow...

[SoxPrincess]

I've given this subject a lot of thought since the end of my A in 2006. At first, I stuck with my usual mantra of "never regret anything especially if you learned something from it"; and I still feel that way somewhat. However, I can't & don't ignore the fact that I hurt my H in a way that may never fully go away, I hurt xMMs BS, I took time away from my children when I would go visit xMM, etc. Yes, I did learn something from that period in my life and it changed who I am today, but I also know there was a million different ways that I could have achieved the same without doing what I did.

[OWoman]

I often read threads where well meaning former OW or OM give advice to someone considering an affiar to backoff and stop all contact. But if you go back and read their stories they say even though it ended it badly they are glad they had the experience and would not change it if given the change to redo it. Thoughts??

 

I give advice based on the individual circumstances of the story. I don't give blanket advice never to have an A - that would be hypocritical and stupid of me given that all of mine have gone, and ended, very well for me. Why deny someone else the chance for similar happiness - IF their circumstances, orientation and other factors allow?

 

I have no regrets whatsoever. I'd do it all again, in a heartbeat.

[pureinheart]

I learnt from it because I had no choice but to do so. If I could go back in time to just before I met her then I would and I would lead myself the other way ...

 

The reality is that all the time I was involved with her I wasn't free to meet someone whom was truly there for me .... and that I didn't love myself enough to realise that at the time is something I've learnt to forgive myself for.

 

NC between 6 months and a year now (have stopped counting) ... and the further I get from it the more I realise what a waste of over 10 years it was.

 

My parents didn't raise me so that I could be the plaster on someone elses self infliced injury ... they got married ,not me !!!

 

So no, I would not ever say it was worth it.

 

Be safe all - there is SO much life once you get away from them ....

 

Chris

 

Single, happy, raising his daughter and feeling human again x

 

 

Hi Chris!!!!!

 

Well, for me, have excellent news....real healing is taking place in this area and no, there are no regrets as exDM made some possitive impact in my life. I choose to let go of the negative and accentuate the possitive.

 

I may have been lied to and deceived in some very inhumane ways, although that is his problem and not mine.

 

Chris, I always left myself open and was dissappointed when I would meet another and not be able to connect with them, not due to exDM, but it's just hard for me to connect. Deep down now I realise it was never meant to be and that is mostlikely his loss and my gain.

 

Am gonna hold off though on a R because having been through so much in the past few years, and in the clean up process of so many bad decisions that were made in a traumatized state, that I really need to regroup and figure out who I am. There is the safety to do that now.

 

This might sound weird, although with most things there is a "pay-off" per se, meaning there is some sort of pay off for most endeavours. I have noticed that I make sure I rarely come out on the short end of the stick....when this starts to happen, I bail...and if I do get screwed over in some fashion, then I know for sure there is something much better for me around the corner.

 

In reflection, there have been many that have lied, stolen and cheated me...but I realise they cheated themselves...sure there have been some extremely hard times...BUT the worst is over and the best is yet to come!

 

((((((glad to see you)))))

[pureinheart]

I learned a lot which I couldn't have done had I not been involved in the A.

 

For me it was timing though. Yesterday was the first day I did something that I regret and wish now that I just ended it instead of confront him on something that just drove us both crazy. Ending it before that would have meant self-preservation for me and would have saved him unneccessary pain. So, up to a point I didn't regret it and if this had been two days ago I would have said no regrets. Almost 5 years into the A. It was time to end it (which I did, see my thread).

 

OK, I saw your words, you really did end it. I didn't have the mind to understand what had happened, but saw the last few pages and....well...

 

You might experience a fluxuation of emotions, especially after the "high" he took you on. It's hard to forgive after that and it is very confusing...my thoughts and prayers are with you WF ((((hugs))))