NABDP Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Rearden - Just learning your story, happy for you -- How long were you split and how long did you do NC before things started to rekindle? It may give some folks hope to know, that while rare, it CAN happen and that NC is the best route no matter what. PJL - I have to concur with others here. She may be on her way to wanting to be back with you but this is not even halfway...Her e-mails are very carefully written to be non-committal and in no way a 100% want you back situation, I have never seen a better example of crumbs and cake-eating really...It's like she senses you are pulling away, as you should be, and trying to keep you on the line as #2 and backup plan. I think as long as you remember, you are #2 right now, you are a fallback second best option, not #1 in her eyes, it will make it easy to ignore. If someone really, REALLY wants you back and wants to make it work, as many wiser than I have said, they will be VERY clear about it. Maybe Rearden can tell you what happened that told him it was not just a test, but a legitimate reconciliation.
Author confused_pjl Posted May 11, 2010 Author Posted May 11, 2010 Rearden: I'm not really sure what to do. Part of me feels that I should see her and hear what she has to say. Not for her, but for me. I feel like if I saw her it may give me more closure on my end. It may help me move on. It can only go 2 ways, either she wants me back in her life or she's playing games. Either way I feel the decision is in my hands. If its crumbs and nonsense then it gives me the closure I need to move on and push her out of my life for good. If its because she wants me in her life again I'm not sure how I would handle it. How could I ever trust her again and know that she wants me back for the right reasons.
DustySaltus Posted May 12, 2010 Posted May 12, 2010 People do not change their ways if there are no consequences for what they do. PJL, this is an extremely important thing to remember. Based on the tone of her previous emails I would continue to holding off on contacting her. As ILC said, there HAS to be consenquences for her actions. Let her continue to realize what she lost while you decide what you want.
Author confused_pjl Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 I'll start of by saying I should have listened to all of you........... but I caved. She sent my a few more emails after that last one, telling me she wants to talk, giving me her new number, etc, etc. I thought about it long and hard and felt that this was something I needed to do. To hear what she had to say and to also know how I truly felt about her when I saw her and determine if reconciliation is something I wanted. So we met up. She started talking about what she misses and started crying. My emotions got the best of me so I hugged her. As soon as I did she squeezed me, looked up at me and started kissing me. I was thrown back. She continued to cry, hug me, kiss me and hold my hands. Its obvious that she's not happy but I didn't get the impression that she wants me back for the right reasons. She is also still dating this other guy. She told me that the last time she remembers being happy was when she was with me. She also said she wants me back but is scared. I never said I wanted her back. All I said was if this was something we both decided we wanted that it would take a lot of work. She agreed. I had to leave because I had an appointment and we left hugging and kissing. No decision was made on reconciliation. Part of me regrets going there and part of me is glad I did. I'm still not sure how I feel about it or if I want to reconcile. Anyways, she sent me another email last night. 1.5 days after I saw her. This is what she says. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Seeing you yesterday was very hard, working was difficult but i think i did okay. I am happy that we talked.... I have been thinking A LOT about everything. It hasnt been easy, its been really hard. A part of me wants to jump in feet first, while the other part is scared.. and not willing to risk it.I feel that i need to be alone, and at the same time I know you wont be there if i choose that option..I am really conflicted inside, I feel broken, I feel hurt still from things that happened in our relationship, I feel scared, angry, and happy all at the same time. I have tried so hard to have a life without you, I have tried to gain back some independence and self pride. I have tried to put myself first and give to people. Its been hard, and i have struggled but i think i am doing okay. I have a nice safe place to live, I am doing well at work, I am part of habitat for humanity, relay for life, lift off for volunteer work. I try to spend more time with family and friends. When I was with you, my life became you, and it wasnt your falut. But i allowed my life to work around yours, and I dont want that to happen again, I want you to be part of my life. I dont want to feel the way that I have over the last 3 years. I want to know that i am important and valued, I want to feel that I matter.. I used to talk about you to people like i worshiped you. And in a way I did, I looked up to you, I admired you, I was proud of you all of the time... I always tried to show you that i loved you. I wanted you to see that i wasnt scared who was around or where we were that I cared. Making this decision is a BIG decision, I dont want to be hurt and i dont want to hurt you or anyone else. I want to know why you love me, why you want this. Why do you want me in your life.. I need to know. Right now, I feel so lost and conflicted, that I want to be alone for a while.. that i dont want to date anyone. But I know that, thats a decision that has huge a impact on a lot of things.. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm not sure what to do with this email. I get from this email that she is still being selfish and its all about her. I never told her I loved her when I saw her so I don't know where she is getting that idea. I don't get that she wants to commit herself to me 110% either. I feel that I have to give some sort of response to this email because I saw her. Any advice on how I should handle this? She wrote this email as if I am the one asking for her back, which I'm not. She was the one who wrote to me after 4 months talking about what she misses and what she wished was different.
northstar1 Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Man, you are going through a lot of emotions, and yes I can see curiosity got the better of you, which I can't blame you....but...... This letter is all "I, I, I, I" There must be over 50 "I"s. Unbelievably selfish. Her excuses all seem crap to me. I know I'm being harsh, but it sounds like she jumped ship because it was 'new' and then realized the ship was just an old junk boat with new paint and then panicked and now wants to know if there is a rescue boat that will come from your ship. Your ship should set sail and not look back. What I see happening here is that if you take her back, she's happy for a while because she feels validated and happy that you still care. Then inevitably the same behaviors will creep back in on her side once she feels comfortable.
paleblue Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 So, sure enough another email came through. Here's what she said.... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I struggle everyday.... everyday i wonder what if.. everyday i struggle to smile. Everyday I struggle to be happy.. I may be dating someone.. part bc i couldnt be alone..part bc i needed an escape, a hide away to what i was feeling inside. J and i are very different people. I miss you..and I wish things were different, I wish we talked, I wish I could still cuddle up in your arms.. I miss the dogs, I have pictures up in my room in a " family" frame of them.. I feel like a part of me died that day.. i look back and its a blur.......I still try to impress you at work. I am getting my own new hire class, and I am a temp supervisor.. its silly that i think it makes a difference, but I change the way i dress at work, and the color of my hair and the style.. I am trying everyday to be a better person.. trying to ..well impress someone who is gone.. i am sorry, Its really hard for me to be writing these emails, but after talking to my mom this weekend, I feel i just have to be honest with myself, even knowing that it probably wont make a difference..... ------------------------------------------------------------------------- My immediate assumption is that something happened between her and the new BF. I am still friends with people she works with. Should I contact them to feel out if something did happen. I'm not sure if she realized how good she had it and wants to fight for it or if something happened between the 2 of them and she is reaching out because she "needs to be with someone" I say if a dumper wants a second chance, they, at the very least, need to up the ante. like beating down your door, or make you know you really are that important to them and it was a horrible mistake. anything else is just crap. all that whiney guilt relief crap. wah I feel bad for what I did, please forgive me. be my friend and you will see im not such a bad person. its pure selfishness because they do not make you feel better about what they did to you. they are just trying to make themselves feel better. remember how awful that person made you feel?? the pain the heartache the confusion the desperation they made you feel? all while they were just fine living it up and screwing around with someone else?? what are they doing to rectify that?? probably nothing. and for me at least, I may entertain the idea, if and only if, they do not run off and start screwing someone else right away. once they start letting someone else in their pants – that’s it. its over – permanently. into the void. forever. goodbye. so long. see ya. her second email is just pathetic in my opinion. another example of her attempt at guilt relief, spewing from her fountain of selfishness. this chick is swimming in it. “I” did you count up how many times she talked about herself? 28 times!!!!! and its all crap. I this I that, my new boyfriend, my hair color, blah blah blah. not once do I see her apologize to you.
paleblue Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Rearden: I'm not really sure what to do. Part of me feels that I should see her and hear what she has to say. Not for her, but for me. I feel like if I saw her it may give me more closure on my end. It may help me move on. It can only go 2 ways, either she wants me back in her life or she's playing games. Either way I feel the decision is in my hands. If its crumbs and nonsense then it gives me the closure I need to move on and push her out of my life for good. If its because she wants me in her life again I'm not sure how I would handle it. How could I ever trust her again and know that she wants me back for the right reasons. you are right. you can not trust her. she broke the trust. and once the trust is broken how do you get it back? you cant. she will do it again if you let her back in. thats just my opinion tho. good luck if you do. i say tho you should just move on. altho in all honesty i know it is difficult when they are constantly perstering you. my ex at work does the same thing. i get emails all the time with her whining when something is wrong. i never hear from her when things are going good. i smile, i nod, i say ok, yup, ok, hav fun with that. and then i go hang out with my new girlfriend, who by the way has her act together in life much better than the ex.
teanoranges Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Yea, seriously, she's just looking for someone to shower her with attention (that she's obviously not getting, and probably shouldn't really get.. she wants to be center of the universe! That's why her current relationship is falling apart) Once you give her the attention, she'll do the same thing.. it'll crumble the same way because she is more focused on herself and what you should do for her and not at all what she can do for you and the relationship. Don't get sucked into the game. You are that 'ex' she wants to run to to wrap around her finger and make herself feel good. Require more effort, definitely
CaliGuy Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Everyone is telling you what to do, OP but you're not doing it. Eventually this is all going to cave in on you. If you want self respect and to be with someone who deserves you the only way to get there is to cut ties with your ex and move on. Besides, I mean if she really wanted you there would NOT be someone else. And that's exactly what she has -- you and the guy she is dating now. Recipe for DISASTER. Period.
Author confused_pjl Posted June 23, 2010 Author Posted June 23, 2010 Well, its been over a month since my last post and I wanted to fill you all in and get additional advice/ suggestions. So to make a long story short, my Ex left the guy she was with and started reaching out to me more frequently. We exchanged phone #'s and hung out a few times. The first few times we hung out we just talked about friends, family, work, etc. Everything except us. So, the next time we hung out I made it clear that I wanted to talk about what was going on with "us". She came right out and told me she wanted to try and work things out and get back together. I told her everything I would need from her to make that happen and that actions speak louder than words and that I needed to see her try, not just say it. Needless to say I didn't hear from her for 2 days after that. We had a phone conversations and she began to tell me she was 60% sure she wanted to get back together and 40% of her didn't want to. I was pissed. Told her I didn't want to play these games and either she wanted it, or she didn't. There shouldn't be an in-between. We went for breakfast 2 days after that and she told me she wanted us to be friends until she figured out what she wanted....lol, as if. I told her I could not be her friend. I then found out that she is still talking to the guy she dated after me and was seen driving his car. Of course, I was furious when I heard this. Tells me she wants to work things out with me but still can't officially let go of the other guy? I told her as long as she is still txt'ing, calling and hanging out with him that I will not be a part of her life. Since then I have been NC. She sent me a random text 2 days after about work, another about her sister and she sent me a FB message on Sunday saying her and her mom were creeping my profile and her mom says "Hi", she also "poked" me on FB. I have not "poked" her back or responded to the message. I'm not sure what's going through her head but its driving me NUTS. Its hard because I do want her back in my life and want to work things out with her but not under these terms. I need to know she is "certain" about the decision she makes.
chooch Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 Well, its been over a month since my last post and I wanted to fill you all in and get additional advice/ suggestions. So to make a long story short, my Ex left the guy she was with and started reaching out to me more frequently. We exchanged phone #'s and hung out a few times. The first few times we hung out we just talked about friends, family, work, etc. Everything except us. So, the next time we hung out I made it clear that I wanted to talk about what was going on with "us". She came right out and told me she wanted to try and work things out and get back together. I told her everything I would need from her to make that happen and that actions speak louder than words and that I needed to see her try, not just say it. Needless to say I didn't hear from her for 2 days after that. We had a phone conversations and she began to tell me she was 60% sure she wanted to get back together and 40% of her didn't want to. I was pissed. Told her I didn't want to play these games and either she wanted it, or she didn't. There shouldn't be an in-between. We went for breakfast 2 days after that and she told me she wanted us to be friends until she figured out what she wanted....lol, as if. I told her I could not be her friend. I then found out that she is still talking to the guy she dated after me and was seen driving his car. Of course, I was furious when I heard this. Tells me she wants to work things out with me but still can't officially let go of the other guy? I told her as long as she is still txt'ing, calling and hanging out with him that I will not be a part of her life. Since then I have been NC. She sent me a random text 2 days after about work, another about her sister and she sent me a FB message on Sunday saying her and her mom were creeping my profile and her mom says "Hi", she also "poked" me on FB. I have not "poked" her back or responded to the message. I'm not sure what's going through her head but its driving me NUTS. Its hard because I do want her back in my life and want to work things out with her but not under these terms. I need to know she is "certain" about the decision she makes. As someone wisely said earlier "don't make someone a priority in life if they only make you an option". It's not worth it. I gave my ex the opportunity (still within the first week of breaking up). Every time she says she needs more time to decide what she wants, but she's ****ing this other guy in the mean time... I'm not gonna wait around for a decision and nor should you. If she REALLY wants you she'll give you a straight answer. It can't be that hard to choose!
supersub Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 I'm with Caliguy on this. Rearden did great, but he is in the minority. "Ex girlfriends should be treated like Nuclear waste; Bury them in the ground and hope their harmless in 10,000 years." Sup
sean1970 Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 I'm with Caliguy on this. Rearden did great, but he is in the minority. "Ex girlfriends should be treated like Nuclear waste; Bury them in the ground and hope their harmless in 10,000 years." Sup I have a feeling RM will be back before long... I dont wish it (pain) but nothing of note changes that quickly in a relationship IMHO.
DustySaltus Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 Again as ILoveCake said earlier: "People do not change their ways if there are no consenquences for their actions"
monkeymaid Posted June 24, 2010 Posted June 24, 2010 im with the consensus here. ...ashard as it is for you, youve got to let this one go. think about her sitting on that other guys hard c@ck for a twinge of a second and you will be more infuriated than ever. ...visualize, then realize. you are being played by the best. ...a woman. your lesson is that you are never to compromise yourself or your values in any way for any person, and that people generally dont change without a real reason to. every time you let her reach out to you, or respond in any way, good or bad, positive or negative, you are telling her "sure, you can have my balls and do with them what you please! in fact, you are my wife to be, but im ok with you banging other men so use me, abuse me, and ill take it, cuzdag nabit, im a good guy and i love you"
Author confused_pjl Posted July 16, 2010 Author Posted July 16, 2010 Well, she came back again. She reached out to me when she was on holidays a few times, nothing major, just small talk. I replied back with short, brief answers (i know, shouldn't have replied in the first place). We went for ice cream and she talked the entire time about how she had a dream we got married and she described every detail. Almost like she was planning our wedding, it was weird because it was so out of the blue. She told me she missed me and wanted to hang out again. So we went to see a movie and went for a drink after. Things started to pick up after that and we started txting and calling each other that week. I put forth an effort to try and make it work. Again, I know it should have been her doing it. We hung out quite a few times, she even came to my house and saw our dogs (which she left with me) and some of my family. She said it was overwhelming but it was nice. We hung out 2 more times after that at my place. The last time we hung out I wanted us to clarify what was going on. She said we were dating and she wanted to keep doing it. I was ok with this. So we made plans to hang out last saturday. I sent her a txt in the AM giving my suggestion on what we should do....... no reply. 2 hrs go by and I send another txt asking if she still wanted to hang out. 1.5 hrs later I get a txt saying "Ya, but our plans might change. In montreal now.......call you when Im on my way home", which she never did. 4 days go by and I don't hear a peep from her and I don't send anything either because Im obviously upset that she bailed on me. On thursday I drove home from my ball game and saw the "Other Guys" car parked outside her house. Made me so ANGRY. So I txt her when I get home saying "I assume since I haven't heard from you in the past few days, you ignore my txts and I just drove by and saw "Other Guys" care outside your house that you have no interest in us. Thanks for wasting my time". I still haven't heard anything. Last night I was on FB and saw that she got another Tattoo on her forearm. So now since she left me she got a tattoo on each forearm and a piercing on her lip. Each day she is turning more and more into this "Other Guy". I still haven't heard from her. I blocked her on FB and Twitter and deleted her # off my phone. I know I did this to myself but it really hurts. It hurts that I got played, she made me believe she didn't want him and wanted to work things out with me and then "poof" she disappears like pokaroo. I just wish I could understand what the hell happened and I wish I listened to all of you.
northstar1 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 dude, you should thank the heavens for hopefully keeping this girl out of your life. she sounds like a ticking time bomb, drama and insanity all in one. she's playing games man. stop playing and let her have her drama. you deserve more than the crap she's pulling. she is trying to keep you on the backburner while she still tests out other guy. walk away and don't look back.
DustySaltus Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 No one here wants to you to go through anymore hurt than you need to. I hope you now understand that the person you loved and the person that she is are two completely different people. You gave it a shot and you saw how cucoo she is. Leave her in the past. But if you do contact her again after all of this you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
Ilovecake Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 (edited) You are extremely lucky. This has taught you a great life lesson that you will carry with you for eternity. Next time you will know the signs, you will avoid toxic people and you will be happier for it. If this doesn't help you get over her and you keep putting up with her than you're a lost cause. Edited July 16, 2010 by Ilovecake
Author confused_pjl Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 Well, its been over a week since I last heard from my Ex. I have no intention of responding to her email. I guess I'm just looking for your thoughts/ input. Here it is.... I have thought about this for hours, and re written this msg... and All i can say is I AM SORRY. You deserve so much, and you have come so far. I am so proud of you. From being in the worst situation of your life, to becoming physically fit and positive. You are amazing, and I know I had the opportunity, but i do wish things were different. I will always miss you. I really loved spending time with you and your family, I liked seeing everyone and the dogs. Things were starting to feel good, and i am sorry that I bailed on that Saturday night... it was becoming too much.. I know I need to be a better communicater, I know I need to be honest about my feelings and I need to stop being so indecisive. And I am sorry I hurt you again. But I want you to know, 100% it wasnt you at all. I know during our relationship I was very insecure about how you felt about me, and your prorities, and I know if I gave you a 100% you wouldnt ever let me feel that way again. I also know you think I didnt try, and I did.. but i could have tried so much harder.. I lost so much sleep over everything. I cried so much and in a way it strengthened my relationship with my mom. I wrote down a lot of feelings... and I tried to communicate better.. but I have alot of opportunities. As for the J situation, I never lied about our status.. And I told you that J and I still talked. And he gave me a ride to work here and there. The day I saw you at the food basics parking lot i felt horrible, and not becuase i was in his car or anything. But because I realized more than ever that i wasnt the only broken person. I have been selfish in my feelings, I know us breaking up hurt you,but seeing you that day hurt. And i didnt know what to say. i didnt want to hurt you anymore..i almost wanted to say something mean.. so I could never hurt you again.. which is stupid. I dont want you to blame yourself for anything, i know the commitment and the changes you wanted to make. And I know its all my fault.
spriggig Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 I know during our relationship I was very insecure about how you felt about me, and your prorities, and I know if I gave you a 100% you wouldnt ever let me feel that way again. rant/ She's blaming you for HER insecurity. Even if she "gave you 100%", you can't "[never] let her feel that way again" because HER feelings of insecurity are HER responsibility and only under HER control. YOU could give 100% and prioritize her first and she STILL might feel insecure AND still blame you. Don't overlook this issue with her or anyone else, it's so common for people to believe that others "make" them feel a certain way that it's accepted as true. It isn't. You choose your actions and others choose how to feel about them--their choice, not yours. You didn't "make" them feel it, they chose their thoughts and those thoughts resulted in their feelings. Even if you can predict how they will think and feel, you still didn't "make" them feel it. That is a magical power none of us possess. Everyone needs to stop saying "you make me feel..." /rant
TLCbear Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 (edited) I don't see anything wrong with what she wrote, I think she feels bad about how she handled the situation and apologized for it, however, it may be too late in your book, but at least she gave you a clearer view of why she ended it. It's up to you to accept it or not. You should continue to ignore, move on, and let it be, but at least now, you know a little of how she feels. In my opinion, it's some type of closure for you both. You don't have to contact someone because they contact you...continue moving on. **Sorry, I didn't read the whole thread, lol, wow, is all I can say and I hope you get through the pain and where you need to be to move on completely. However, I still stand by my previous comment, should have ignored it and let it be. Edited July 28, 2010 by TLCbear
ResetReality Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 right well now you know that she isn't going to change, she has played you and she keeps doing it because you keep letting her, hopefully now you have learnt your lesson, and if you haven't then you've only got yourself to blame this chapter in your life is over, hopefully now you know all this signs and things to do/not to do in your next relationship, its over accept it and move on hope you feel better
Author confused_pjl Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 Well, I do feel a lot better. Its been 2 weeks since I last saw my Ex. Its been 3 days since she sent me the email I posted recently. Yesterday she sent me a TXT MSG saying she sent me an email and wasn't sure if I blocked her so she sent one to my brother. Then, last night I get a message saying she is following me on twitter again and today she poked me on FB. I can only assume she is starting to feel some regret. Either way, I am not giving in this time.
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