confused_pjl Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 Ever since I bumped into my Ex last week for the first time since we broke up things have been crazy. She sent my mom a FB message earlier today (talked about it in a previous post) and sure enough, she sent me a damn email. Heres the email. Not sure how I feel about this, mixed emotions I guess. How do I handle this? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I don't know why i am writing this..but after i finally watched the DVD...I feel i owe you more of an explanation.. and apology...more closure.. maybe for me....... here it goes............................. I know that its been four months since we broke up, And nothing i say at this point matters. However, i want you to know that i knew what your intentions were to propose to me the day you bought the ring. ( that night when you were in shower a text MSG from your friend came in on your phone) I want you to know that i wanted to say YES, but with the discussion we just had, I was upset that it took something like that to make you want to ask me the question. I always pictured my life with you. I freaked out a lot inside, and i was scared that i would have the memory for the rest of my life of my bf asking me to marry him after an argument.. i always pictured it being a happy moment. The night we talked b4 i stayed at the hotel, you asked me, " when you picture your future, do you see me" and i said, YES but i didn't know if i could be happy.. even after we are broken up for 4 months I often wonder if we would have been happy. I loved you soo much.. part of me still does. But I needed so much more from you to feel your love... i gave up on it. After the first night at the hotel.. I took a bath, colored my hair, bought a new shirt and thought about you.. I WAS SO UPSET that you wouldn't let me stay at the house to think... that you didn't want me there if i needed any type of time. I honestly feel that if i stayed things would be different now.. But I'm not writing this to give excuses or ask for you back.. its not what this is about. But after seeing u on Wednesday all i could think about was the last time i saw you... how horrible i felt, how sad i was when i last saw you.. AND i HATE that you think i broke up with you for J. I agree it was soon after, but i needed someone. Rumors have been going around that last April you were spotted at the bar kissing some Walker chick , and others told me that when you talked to them about me that you told them i was young and immature and we wouldn't last.... I like to think that its not true. My point to this email.. is that I want you to know, that regardless of your job title, or where we lived or what happened in our lives, IF i felt your love for me things may have worked out. I believe everything happens for a reason, and in the end you seem netter off without me. I also just want to say that i am SORRY. I am sorry that i was such a coward, i am sorry that i broke down and gave up, I am sorry that i hurt you. .... I am... sorry for everything ............I hope you do find someone... And maybe one day when i see you , we might say hi.. until then..take care
DenverBachelor Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 Ever since I bumped into my Ex last week for the first time since we broke up things have been crazy. She sent my mom a FB message earlier today (talked about it in a previous post) and sure enough, she sent me a damn email. Heres the email. Not sure how I feel about this, mixed emotions I guess. How do I handle this? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I don't know why i am writing this..but after i finally watched the DVD...I feel i owe you more of an explanation.. and apology...more closure.. maybe for me....... here it goes............................. I know that its been four months since we broke up, And nothing i say at this point matters. However, i want you to know that i knew what your intentions were to propose to me the day you bought the ring. ( that night when you were in shower a text MSG from your friend came in on your phone) I want you to know that i wanted to say YES, but with the discussion we just had, I was upset that it took something like that to make you want to ask me the question. I always pictured my life with you. I freaked out a lot inside, and i was scared that i would have the memory for the rest of my life of my bf asking me to marry him after an argument.. i always pictured it being a happy moment. The night we talked b4 i stayed at the hotel, you asked me, " when you picture your future, do you see me" and i said, YES but i didn't know if i could be happy.. even after we are broken up for 4 months I often wonder if we would have been happy. I loved you soo much.. part of me still does. But I needed so much more from you to feel your love... i gave up on it. After the first night at the hotel.. I took a bath, colored my hair, bought a new shirt and thought about you.. I WAS SO UPSET that you wouldn't let me stay at the house to think... that you didn't want me there if i needed any type of time. I honestly feel that if i stayed things would be different now.. But I'm not writing this to give excuses or ask for you back.. its not what this is about. But after seeing u on Wednesday all i could think about was the last time i saw you... how horrible i felt, how sad i was when i last saw you.. AND i HATE that you think i broke up with you for J. I agree it was soon after, but i needed someone. Rumors have been going around that last April you were spotted at the bar kissing some Walker chick , and others told me that when you talked to them about me that you told them i was young and immature and we wouldn't last.... I like to think that its not true. My point to this email.. is that I want you to know, that regardless of your job title, or where we lived or what happened in our lives, IF i felt your love for me things may have worked out. I believe everything happens for a reason, and in the end you seem netter off without me. I also just want to say that i am SORRY. I am sorry that i was such a coward, i am sorry that i broke down and gave up, I am sorry that i hurt you. .... I am... sorry for everything ............I hope you do find someone... And maybe one day when i see you , we might say hi.. until then..take care Ignore it and ignore her. Let her be. She feels some guilt over her decision and she's absolutely right -- she is a coward. Life's too short to waffle over things like love. You did what you could and she pressed the eject button. She's holding a two person pity party and sending you an invitation with that e-mail. You, on the other hand, need to remain firm that you did all you could during the relationship. Nobody is perfect in a relationship but not everyone presses the eject button. Some people weather the storms and some people flee from them. Sometimes in life you just have to run straight into the fire and not hide from it because sometimes in life the things worth fighting for are the things worth dying for as well. I'm sure it threw you for a loop (it would me), but at the end of the day, she specifically said she isn't writing you for any type of reconciliation. If she wants redemption from her guilt, she'll have to find someone else other than you to provide it. That's her problem, not hers. Why? Because she made the decision to break up and not you. Everything in life has repercussions. Some people unfortunately don't realize that short term relief from problems may ultimately cost much more in the long term. Then again, some people just don't see life in three dimensions.
amz Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 Inorge her, She still cares by reading that email. Keep no contact act like you don't care you have the power now! I reckon this is not the last time you will hear from her She will be back. This is the early stages of her realising what she has done. Take care.
DustySaltus Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 how horrible i felt, how sad i was when i last saw you.. AND i HATE that you think i broke up with you for J. I agree it was soon after, but i needed someone. This really says it all for me. She's selfish and a coward. She feels guilty and you should not give her the benefit of a response. Silence is the only response. I know how it is to be engaged to someone and then have your world turned upside down. She knew that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her, and it still wasn't enough. She has to live with the guilt, you did everything you could. Hold your head up high, you'll be rewarded in time for having the character you've shown.
NABDP Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 Well this is a tough one. Because after all, looking at that e-mail, it's what so many LS readers, guys who want their exes back, and go NC, dream of. She sent you a pretty sizeable e-mail there, is obviously thinking of you after 4 months, the grass may not be 100% greener, and the temptation to contact back is certainly there. A lot of guys here at LS say to never, never, never contact back when you go NC, that it's usually a mistake. And in this case I think they are right, for now. Because in looking at this e-mail, she is showing signs of regret, but I'm also noticing she is still stopping short of saying she can be 100% dedicated to you, loves you, 100% remorseful, or ready for a relationship with you. I've seen this referred to as crumbs, where they throw you a few crumbs but it's way short of a full meal. Or she is dipping her toe into the water to test the temperature. I don't really like that approach. Here's the one case I agree breaking NC is ok -- Not sure if everyone here agrees with me or not...But it's what I would think would be needed. A full, 100% statement of a commitment to you. An apology (if necessary) for what went wrong in the relationship and a promise to work with you on it, whether it be counseling, whatever is needed...Every relationship is different so this is painting with broad strokes, but from what I have heard of second chances after NC, you need a lot more than what this e-mail says...Which in a way shows she is missing you, and maybe even a little jealous to think of you with someone else...But ultimately still is putting a lot of blame on you for what broke you up...And I don't see any signs of a promise to be dedicated to you or an apology for her role in what broke you two up. It's so tempting to respond back, since there is a lot in that e-mail that you could respond to...But I have to agree with the other posters here that it wouldn't be enough for me to break NC because she is just trying to deflect guilt onto you, this isn't an attempt to reconcile or get back together with you, rather, just an attempt to see if she still has you on the line as a backup plan....And you too good a dude to be anyone's backup plan.
CaliGuy Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 You do realize that exes only send you "emails" when they want someone on the back burner. Exes that really want to BE with you will be literally knocking down your front door. Anything less is breadcrumbs. And that's exactly what her email message is. Crap.
Rearden Metal Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 You do realize that exes only send you "emails" when they want someone on the back burner. Exes that really want to BE with you will be literally knocking down your front door. Anything less is breadcrumbs. And that's exactly what her email message is. Crap. Not entirely accurate (yes I realize your stature as a poster on this forum). My GF sent several "breadcrumb" emails. Some I ignored, others I answered curtly. What I always did was immediately go back to NC. Finally, when she sent a few emails that had a more personal tone to them, I asked her to elaborate on her wishes. When she did, it was clear she was hurt and afraid but also still in love with me and wanted to give it another try. It takes two. Sometimes it's in our best interests to ignore or be curt. Other times it takes some acts of compassion to allow someone to open up again after there's been trauma in the relationship.
DenverBachelor Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 You do realize that exes only send you "emails" when they want someone on the back burner. Exes that really want to BE with you will be literally knocking down your front door. Anything less is breadcrumbs. And that's exactly what her email message is. Crap. Absolutely false. I've received a three page e-mail before from an old ex after two years of not talking to each other. It was definitely not a bread crumb. Sometimes after a lot of time with people moving around and changing cell phones, the only way to find someone is via e-mail, Facebook, etc.
DenverBachelor Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 That pretty much says it all. That popped out at me, too.
CaliGuy Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Not entirely accurate (yes I realize your stature as a poster on this forum). My GF sent several "breadcrumb" emails. Some I ignored, others I answered curtly. What I always did was immediately go back to NC. Finally, when she sent a few emails that had a more personal tone to them, I asked her to elaborate on her wishes. When she did, it was clear she was hurt and afraid but also still in love with me and wanted to give it another try. It takes two. Sometimes it's in our best interests to ignore or be curt. Other times it takes some acts of compassion to allow someone to open up again after there's been trauma in the relationship. Absolutely false. I've received a three page e-mail before from an old ex after two years of not talking to each other. It was definitely not a bread crumb. Sometimes after a lot of time with people moving around and changing cell phones, the only way to find someone is via e-mail, Facebook, etc. Sorry, but I believe you both are in the minority. And honestly, only time will prove if you are right or not (and I do wish you both the best!). My point is simply that when people decide to walk away from you, LET THEM GO. If they were that wishy-washy with making a decision on you then, they'll most likely do it again (had it happen to myself twice with two different relationships, that was enough). I'm not so keen on giving someone a second (or repeated) chance when they really don't deserve it. I'll leave you with this as a friendly reminder: "Never make someone a priority in your life who only sees you as an option..."
northstar1 Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Sorry, but I believe you both are in the minority. And honestly, only time will prove if you are right or not (and I do wish you both the best!). My point is simply that when people decide to walk away from you, LET THEM GO. If they were that wishy-washy with making a decision on you then, they'll most likely do it again (had it happen to myself twice with two different relationships, that was enough). I'm not so keen on giving someone a second (or repeated) chance when they really don't deserve it. I'll leave you with this as a friendly reminder: "Never make someone a priority in your life who only sees you as an option..." You have to also wonder that if they were willing to walk once, or give up on the relationship or had insecurities about you/themselves/the relationship, do you really want to throw that back into the pot and draw out that ticket again? In most cases, relationships end for a reason; people lose interest, people get lazy and stop trying, they have insecurities that result in a constant mistrust in the relationships, cheating, etc. And while there are circumstances where people change, mature, figure out what is important.....in most cases those same issues will come back up again. If someone truly loves you and believes in the relationship and feels it is worth fighting for, both through good bad, then they won't leave you.
sean1970 Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Finally, when she sent a few emails that had a more personal tone to them, I asked her to elaborate on her wishes. When she did, it was clear she was hurt and afraid but also still in love with me and wanted to give it another try. And how did that work out?
CaliGuy Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 If someone truly loves you and believes in the relationship and feels it is worth fighting for, both through good bad, then they won't leave you. That's all I'm saying....
Ilovecake Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 I see nothing indicating that she's taken any of your feelings into consideration in this letter. It's all about how she feels and what you should have done and need to do to make it better for her. Burn that selfish letter and forget about her.
sean1970 Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 I see nothing indicating that she's taken any of your feelings into consideration in this letter. I see 'some' things were see seems to but she is also riding the fence; trying to share blame so as to not feel the full brunt of guilt. Surely there was blame on both parts; its just not her place to point his out while apologizing for hers. It hallows the apology.
Author confused_pjl Posted May 10, 2010 Author Posted May 10, 2010 So, sure enough another email came through. Here's what she said.... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I struggle everyday.... everyday i wonder what if.. everyday i struggle to smile. Everyday I struggle to be happy.. I may be dating someone.. part bc i couldnt be alone..part bc i needed an escape, a hide away to what i was feeling inside. J and i are very different people. I miss you..and I wish things were different, I wish we talked, I wish I could still cuddle up in your arms.. I miss the dogs, I have pictures up in my room in a " family" frame of them.. I feel like a part of me died that day.. i look back and its a blur.......I still try to impress you at work. I am getting my own new hire class, and I am a temp supervisor.. its silly that i think it makes a difference, but I change the way i dress at work, and the color of my hair and the style.. I am trying everyday to be a better person.. trying to ..well impress someone who is gone.. i am sorry, Its really hard for me to be writing these emails, but after talking to my mom this weekend, I feel i just have to be honest with myself, even knowing that it probably wont make a difference..... ------------------------------------------------------------------------- My immediate assumption is that something happened between her and the new BF. I am still friends with people she works with. Should I contact them to feel out if something did happen. I'm not sure if she realized how good she had it and wants to fight for it or if something happened between the 2 of them and she is reaching out because she "needs to be with someone"
northstar1 Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Only you know your ex, but my sense is the grass wasn't greener and maybe he broke up with her and she can't stand being alone so she's wanting to make sure you are still there.
DustySaltus Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Only you know your ex, but my sense is the grass wasn't greener and maybe he broke up with her and she can't stand being alone so she's wanting to make sure you are still there. Absolutely, look at her email. I....I.....I....I, all about her. The grass wasn't greener. She doesn't say that she made is willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. I would continue to not respond. She left you for someone else. She needs to know how it feels to make a big mistake. Eventually if she continues and becomes more and more determined to get you back, you will have a decision to make. Let her fester in her guilt Some people are serial monogamist. They CANNOT be alone for too long. You need to step back and see whether or not her attempts to reconnect with you are genuine or self-fulfilling.
DenverBachelor Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 The grass is never really greener. Same ****, different day. Or different ****, same day. Ignore her. She screwed up. What would she learn if you went back? She'd learn she could pull the same stunt again with you.
Ilovecake Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 It's very true that if somebody leaves you for their own selfish reason the chances are very high that they will do it again. I mean after all what do they have to lose when they know you will take them back if things don't work out for them. People do not change their ways if there are no consequences for what they do. Same with cheating if there are no consequences for what they have done they have no reason to stop doing it. That to me is not a fulfilling relationship and you will always be walking on egg shells waiting for her to drop the ball again. Her email definitely ring of "things didn't work out the way I planned; let me see if my second choice is willing to take me back". If you take her back you will be miserable.
sean1970 Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 My immediate assumption is that something happened between her and the new BF. I am still friends with people she works with. Should I contact them to feel out if something did happen. I would not, especially that they are people she works with. You can't control what gets back to her or judge their allegiance (sounds so tactical doesn't it).
Rearden Metal Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 And how did that work out? Hi Sean, So far, well. We've been dating the last 5 weeks and recently reconciled. So we are "a couple" again. I will agree that my situation is not the norm. However I'd like to point out that my ex was RIGHT in breaking up with me. I was a mess and needed space to get myself right. I'm not condoning all of her behavior, but I will say that since we've begun dating again that we've communicated 1000% better and the stress and tension that pervaded our relationship is entirely gone. It's not some fairy tale ending. We both need to continue working hard on ourselves and better our lives. But so far, so good.
Rearden Metal Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 So, sure enough another email came through. Here's what she said.... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I struggle everyday.... everyday i wonder what if.. everyday i struggle to smile. Everyday I struggle to be happy.. I may be dating someone.. part bc i couldnt be alone..part bc i needed an escape, a hide away to what i was feeling inside. J and i are very different people. I miss you..and I wish things were different, I wish we talked, I wish I could still cuddle up in your arms.. I miss the dogs, I have pictures up in my room in a " family" frame of them.. I feel like a part of me died that day.. i look back and its a blur.......I still try to impress you at work. I am getting my own new hire class, and I am a temp supervisor.. its silly that i think it makes a difference, but I change the way i dress at work, and the color of my hair and the style.. I am trying everyday to be a better person.. trying to ..well impress someone who is gone.. i am sorry, Its really hard for me to be writing these emails, but after talking to my mom this weekend, I feel i just have to be honest with myself, even knowing that it probably wont make a difference..... ------------------------------------------------------------------------- My immediate assumption is that something happened between her and the new BF. I am still friends with people she works with. Should I contact them to feel out if something did happen. I'm not sure if she realized how good she had it and wants to fight for it or if something happened between the 2 of them and she is reaching out because she "needs to be with someone" How do you feel about her pjl? What would be a good result in your eyes. What is it you want to hear from her?
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