Davnnic Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 For any of the OW/OM...how often/ to what extent does your MM/MW speak about their spouse? and what is the usual context? Is it all bad stuff/neutral/good? And how do you respond? Do you speak of your spouse witht them?
bananalaffytaffy Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 I can't say, but I find it very interesting that you assume most OW/OM have spouses.
her_halo_slipped Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 (edited) For any of the OW/OM...how often/ to what extent does your MM/MW speak about their spouse? and what is the usual context? Is it all bad stuff/neutral/good? And how do you respond? Do you speak of your spouse witht them? During my A with a MM he did speak of his spouse. Some of it neutral, a little of it good and some things not so good. Some things were said with love towards her, some with malice. She came up often in conversation as did his kids, who incidently he always spoke of with love. I guess my situation could be a little unusual in that she and I went to uni together 30 years ago and although we've never had any contact since I still do remember her. We were friends actually. Our profession is a narrow one and subsequently I hear about her professionally too. Thankfully I have switched careers and don't move in that circle anymore.I guess for him he vented alot about his home life and her in particular and I guess I listened. Thankfully as part of what I do for a living I can listen and still be impartial even though I did sleep with him a couple of times:o We had more of a friendship than A really and I guess that's where all the chit chat originated. Edited May 9, 2010 by her_halo_slipped
jj33 Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 During the A he almost never spoke of her at all. Now when I see him (99% of the time with others) he always brings her up in one context or another at least once or twice. Since its business I think its highly unecessary and done for my benefit. I know he is married. Noone cares to hear it least of all me. So now on the rare occasions when I see him and there is not anyone else involved in the conversation, I ask after her welfare - after all its the polite thing to do . I have no beef with her but its really obnoxious for him to constantly refer to her.
Fallen Angel Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 He rarely speaks of her, as she tends to be very much on the perimeter of his life, not in the center. His life is lived mostly apart from hers, even when he is at his house, he does his thing and she does hers and they are apart even under the same roof. He has generally said only nice things about her, that she has been a good mother, she has been a good wife, and that he loves her because of it but that they have simply grown apart as they grew up. Only once or twice has he said something bad about her, and even then it was that she had done something he was upset about, not that she was a bad person. He has said that she has never done him any wrong, and that she is a good person. He does not hate her, he in fact loves her; there is a difference however in the love he feels for me and the love he feels for her. Our love is centered in a strong emotional bond. Their love is much more about history and family. I would never want him to deny his love for her, and thereby devalue the role she has played in his life. But as his life and hers tend to be lived so much without each other involved, there is little to say about her, as his day to day experiences do not often include her.
jj33 Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 Hes an odd one, the combination of talking about her and then saying things to "mark his territory" with me (way outdated now but he insists on doing it) is bizarre. Ive written it off to the fact that hes never leaving but he wants anyone we both know to be aware that they should back off as far as I am concerned.
jj33 Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 FA I think its polite to say you wouldnt want him to deny his love for her, but lets face it - you want him to leave. Personally I would find it odd if the MP spoke about their spouse too much. After all the AP is not a therapist and the MP is there cheating on the spouse.
MizzBlue72 Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 For the first year - hardly ever. Now that he is divorcing - more so. He talks about what is going on. I know it is hard for him, he left a lot behind. He deserves more than what he has gotten. They both wanted the divorce. It hurts to see him hurting, and to know that he went from having so much to having to start all over again. He talks about how she chose everything else (family, situation) over him. Getting to know him over the last two years - that was hard on him. I used to feel bad for her - I don't anymore. She has lied about a lot of things to him - and he did a lot in good faith to make this amicable. So - yeah. We do talk somewhat about the BS. We need too. It is something that really hurts him.
Fallen Angel Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 FA I think its polite to say you wouldnt want him to deny his love for her, but lets face it - you want him to leave. Personally I would find it odd if the MP spoke about their spouse too much. After all the AP is not a therapist and the MP is there cheating on the spouse. I do want him to leave, I don't think i have ever claimed otherwise. But I would be concerned if he were staying in his marriage and telling me that she was some heartless shrew. The fact is, he loves her, not in the way that he loves me, but he does love her. I can understand that, she has been his wife for a very long time, she is the mother of his children, they have grown up together as they got married quite young, but they have also grown apart. Growing apart may be a reason for ending a marriage (my hope) but it does not mean you have to despise each other. the fact that he still feels love for the person she is, is not a bad thing in my view. It does not mean that there is no hope for he and I to have a future together, it simply is yet another thing that I love and respect about him. He knows that she has been a big part of him becoming the person he has become, and he is not willing (nor should he be) to diminish that role that she has played in his life by speaking ill of her.
bananalaffytaffy Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 I do want him to leave, I don't think i have ever claimed otherwise. Growing apart may be a reason for ending a marriage (my hope) but it does not mean you have to despise each other. Is it me, or do these statements contradict each other?
aerogurl87 Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Ok not meaning to thread jack, but Fallen Angel are you seriously saying you want to stay the OW forever?
jj33 Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Apologies for t/j I see what you mean FA. You can love someone but not in a romantic way. The whole thing is a tedious exercise in semantics. Why do they stay married what do they say. Agree with you FA. Ive said this on other threads but if he had said shes awful hateful disgusting Id have said if shes so horrible why didnt you pack your bags a long time ago? Ugh. Its all so much faltering and so much indecision. I dont like what I have but I dont dislike it enough to give it up. Blah blah blah. I appreciate that its a big step to give up a long marriage and break the ties that bind but the half way house of an A can get tedious when the AP is in love with the WS.
pureinheart Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 For the first year - hardly ever. Now that he is divorcing - more so. He talks about what is going on. I know it is hard for him, he left a lot behind. He deserves more than what he has gotten. They both wanted the divorce. It hurts to see him hurting, and to know that he went from having so much to having to start all over again. He talks about how she chose everything else (family, situation) over him. Getting to know him over the last two years - that was hard on him. I used to feel bad for her - I don't anymore. She has lied about a lot of things to him - and he did a lot in good faith to make this amicable. So - yeah. We do talk somewhat about the BS. We need too. It is something that really hurts him. Sounds like there is two BS's here...
pureinheart Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 During the A he almost never spoke of her at all. Now when I see him (99% of the time with others) he always brings her up in one context or another at least once or twice. Since its business I think its highly unecessary and done for my benefit. I know he is married. Noone cares to hear it least of all me. So now on the rare occasions when I see him and there is not anyone else involved in the conversation, I ask after her welfare - after all its the polite thing to do . I have no beef with her but its really obnoxious for him to constantly refer to her. jj, this is messed up, like rubbing salt on a wound, man if he does that to you, I can only imagine how he is with his W. Like you jj, I always kept a comfortable distance from him. Ok...HE CHASED ME, this is what I did not get...and then I would "safely" agree to hang out with him and sometimes he brought her up, telling me that he loved both of us, although "for me to understand" that I am definitely second basically to everything...but then, get this jj...he would then throw me in her face as he slipped one time and I found out he had been using me to say.."hey look, I can get someone else". Let's just put it this way...I feel ya jj
ladydesigner Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Well I am a MOW and I can tell you that I did not speak highly of my H during my A with XOM. My H had recently had an A that I discovered. I was pissed, plus our M had been in shambles the last couple of years due to both of our faults of not keeping up the intimacy, communication issues and a lot of resentment on my part. Marriage is not an easy thing when you go through having children and parents dying, losing jobs, etc etc etc.
jj33 Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Well if he is to be believed he brings me up to her all the time and maybe its true. Other people tell me he mentions me all the time for no reason at all. Its sunny. Yeah JJ likes sunny days... Puleeze. Its meaningless. Its been over for almost 3 years. lf it meant anything we wouldnt be having this conversation because he and I would be married. Apologies for t/j
Author Davnnic Posted May 11, 2010 Author Posted May 11, 2010 My MM seems to be bringing her up alot more lately-about how she is unstable, doena't have a life , etc. (even goes so far to show me the texs she sends him). I don't really knopw how to respond...give advice, stay quiet, or tell him to zip it, as I really don't wnat to hear about your wife's issues. Not sure what he wants from...it's getting strange...if I say anything I fam not exactly unbiased, however if I stay quiet, he accuses me of retreating. What I do know is that I really, really don't want the drama. And when he speaks of a future with me, all I can think of is that I would have to deal with her and her issues for years to come. Not a welcoming prospect.
lilagirl Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 For any of the OW/OM...how often/ to what extent does your MM/MW speak about their spouse? and what is the usual context? Is it all bad stuff/neutral/good? And how do you respond? Do you speak of your spouse witht them? My MM speaks of his spouse all the time. The context is either positive or negative. I am often the sounding board for her behaviour... and often tell him I would respond in the same way. No one is perfect... he cannot demonize her to me. I NEVER speak unkind words of her... even if that is what he is looking for. i am usually just a place to vent, and try my hardest to be unbiased in my responses. When I was still with my H, i did the same, and requested the same respect. If he did something that was cruel or abusive, it wasn`t the place of my MM to talk poorly of him. It doesn`t help. Self relationship reflection is already very deep in an A and we don`t need each other making things worse.
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