Karmaguy Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 So my gf of 1 year broke up with me and I moved out about 6 weeks ago. It wasn't due to cheating or anything but mistakes on each part, maybe mine a little more than hers... and my temper at times . at first I was there for her emotionally (helping her , being w her when she got sick etc) but she told me that we were still broken up ( she told me in much more subtile way.. like we would see each other still although to me it didn't seem as if she wanted to really) So I stopped contacting her. I would get texts from her ever few days. They weren't romantic generally just asking me general questions .. an excuse to text maybe? After about 3 weeks she called me. but again called to ask me some general question about how she should fix her TV, I was very positive and up beat on the phone . it was a nice conversation for 10 min or so then I said I had to go. She called again about a week later . This time saying "she was just checking up on me" . Again a nice conversation and again I got of the phone saying I had to get back to work and Id call her back but was very up beat . I called her back about 2 days later and said we should get coffee, which she agreed to. Well we went out. Quick shopping for somethings we needed, then dinner, Then wen back to her place. we hung out for a few hours and had a nice time ( nothing physical) During the date I would subtly touch her ( walking w my hand on her back, touching her knee in the car etc). Finally I said I was going to go and there was a bit of weirdness she gave me kind of a peck kiss and I told her come her and give me a real kiss which when she did I didn't really commit to she replied with "I guess Im out of practice" It was an awkward moment for me and Im pretty sure her too. Okay after my long winded msg my question is.. what now. How long do I wait to call and or ask her out again ( I sent a text the next day saying I had a good time and she replied so did she). Do I keep no contact just for shorter times like a few days at a time. Do I tell her my feelings ( I have strong feelings for her and have been keeping them to myself) Thanks for any help!
DenverBachelor Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 So my gf of 1 year broke up with me and I moved out about 6 weeks ago. It wasn't due to cheating or anything but mistakes on each part, maybe mine a little more than hers... and my temper at times . at first I was there for her emotionally (helping her , being w her when she got sick etc) but she told me that we were still broken up ( she told me in much more subtile way.. like we would see each other still although to me it didn't seem as if she wanted to really) So I stopped contacting her. I would get texts from her ever few days. They weren't romantic generally just asking me general questions .. an excuse to text maybe? After about 3 weeks she called me. but again called to ask me some general question about how she should fix her TV, I was very positive and up beat on the phone . it was a nice conversation for 10 min or so then I said I had to go. She called again about a week later . This time saying "she was just checking up on me" . Again a nice conversation and again I got of the phone saying I had to get back to work and Id call her back but was very up beat . I called her back about 2 days later and said we should get coffee, which she agreed to. Well we went out. Quick shopping for somethings we needed, then dinner, Then wen back to her place. we hung out for a few hours and had a nice time ( nothing physical) During the date I would subtly touch her ( walking w my hand on her back, touching her knee in the car etc). Finally I said I was going to go and there was a bit of weirdness she gave me kind of a peck kiss and I told her come her and give me a real kiss which when she did I didn't really commit to she replied with "I guess Im out of practice" It was an awkward moment for me and Im pretty sure her too. Okay after my long winded msg my question is.. what now. How long do I wait to call and or ask her out again ( I sent a text the next day saying I had a good time and she replied so did she). Do I keep no contact just for shorter times like a few days at a time. Do I tell her my feelings ( I have strong feelings for her and have been keeping them to myself) Thanks for any help! What you are doing is exactly what you should be doing if you never want to date her again. In essence, you are showing her that you will still be there for her even when she doesn't have to commit her love and body to you. She's giving you just enough (pecks on the cheek, etc.) to keep you around. You're always available to her so you aren't as valuable in her eyes. Since she knows she could have you at any time, she is delighted because now she can pursue other men knowing she has a solid safety net to catch her if she falls. This is a sign of weakness on your part. When she said, "we're broken up," that's when you say, "all right, do well in life but I'm off to live my own life." When she calls and you don't answer any more, then she'll get scared. When she texts and you don't text back, then and only then will she realize that her decision had very powerful ramifications and that you are gone completely from her life. If she feels like she made a huge mistake, she will come back to you at some point. As of right now, you are giving her everything she wants and she is giving you nothing in return. If you enjoy that kind of lopsided relationship, then by all means continue to devalue yourself in her eyes.
Author Karmaguy Posted May 9, 2010 Author Posted May 9, 2010 I see where your coming from and have thought of that too.. Maybe I didnt explain enough. when we first split I did do that and she did feel that way. but then I stopped contacting her all together. when she text I would respond . Often time in My good time. I never called. never told her I loved her or spoke anything about the relationship, never told her if I was dating other women , wasnt asking or concerned with her problems etc. I wasn't there for her physically or emotionally like I was in the past.. I was just cordial and happy acting . By not taking calls or answering texts I think its trying to prove way to much and comes across fake. I did forget to mention that I had seen her briefly once before this last date and we made out. I think she was waiting for me to really kiss her this time too. To take control and just do it. I could be wrong but I think her ego is sensitive after I have basically been ignoring her for a month that I would reject her. I went from being very upset about splitting up to no contact on my part, being happy when she did talk to me and not being concerned with her issues like I used to be
DenverBachelor Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 Give a brief overview of the time line (dating, breakup, NC, meeting her again and making out, etc.)
Author Karmaguy Posted May 9, 2010 Author Posted May 9, 2010 Dating we met a year ago in march. We broke up around late march of this year( so together for 1 year). but I was still around her and propagating what you were saying before being a crutch for her ( I dont think its shes trying to find a new bf) She had bad relationships before me, she likes to take care of people yet she does it w boyfriends and is trying to not do that but she did it w me in many ways so I think that was one cause of resent towards me ( I let her , unconsciously but still did) . So anyway I was around her, talking to her etc till about april 5th or 6th then I decided NC. I broke this once and saw her that was perhaps less than a week later this is when we made out. when I saw her I maybe shouldn't have, but talked about why and what my problems were in the relationship but certainly didnt plead of beg her to get back. I said IF we ever did the relationship would have to be different. She agreed and said we will see what happens in the future I might mention that 2 days into the NC she sent me a nasty email that I didnt check up on her while she was sick. which I also addressed when I saw her. After this day I continued with no contact . If she text me I would respond but like I said usually on my own time which could be 1/2hr or a day later. She text me a week before my bday to ask if Id rather see her or my friends or both on my bday . I told her Id like to see her ( which was prob a mistake) but I wound up not seeing her anyway as she was still sick ( yes I know she really was) . So I didnt reach out to her for 3 or 4 weeks and my behavior had totally changed . The couple times we did speak(she calling me) I was happy and excited about work and other things in my life. I didnt act down about the break up at all A big issue w her was my temper and I told her Im working out and doing yoga again and I am mellow now which was clear in my behavior on the phone w her. We saw each other this past Thursday and it had been about 3 or 4 weeks like I said since I had reached out to her. I could see once I stopped reaching out she would send a text after about 2 days and then finally called "just to check up on me" She hasnt come out and asked if Im dating any one but when unknown girls came up in convo on our "date" she will say jokingly " you got her number didnt you" Also on our "date" she showed me some sexy nude photos she took of herself w her cell phone... I took this as flirting. When we drove Id have my hand on her knee and she wouldn't move it or move her leg out of discomfort of it. When we got to her house I didnt try anything 1. because I just want to reestablish more of a "first date" vibe and 2. be the guy who she fell in love w the first time not the guy I became throughout the relationship . I dont know if I had tried anything if she would have gone for it or not but I def didn't feel like I was just being an emotional crutch for her on our date. I certainly did in the first few weeks when I was still hanging around her and seemed like I was putting all the effort in. Im not saying the balance of power is equal now but I feel like I have certainly evened it somewhat. The oddest thing on the date was when I was leaving. felt like when your on a date as a teenager and dont know what to do.. do you kiss the girl or not? I regret not being a little more aggressive here. Maybe Im wrong but I think she sees a lot of what went wrong in the relationship my fault and she isn't going to be the one to make big first moves. Also I might mention she is a grown woman who knows what she wants she isn't 20 something..
Author Karmaguy Posted May 9, 2010 Author Posted May 9, 2010 Anyone? Some advice please! Our "date" went well I think. I didn't push it as a romantic date to much , just showing her I've started to change back to the person she fell in love with originally . I have the urge to call her in a day or so and ask her to dinner but don't know if this will take what ever power I gained back? I pushed ( by not ever being the one to contact her) but then I asked her out and now Im starting the pulling process which I feel leaves me vulnerable or possibly making mistakes.. Do I call or do I go back to NC again?
Author Karmaguy Posted May 11, 2010 Author Posted May 11, 2010 Id really love some advice here.. esp from a womans point of view.. I dont want to make any ( or any more) mistakes . Is NC my only option?????????
brokenamy Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 KarmaGuy I agree with Bachelor, you and I are making the same mistakes and I'm sorry I can't advise you but I think he is very right. You need to show her that you are moving on.
Author Karmaguy Posted May 13, 2010 Author Posted May 13, 2010 Yes perhaps Bachelor is right. Its a hard and scary move to make . I actualy emailed her yesterday saying if we arent able to be together then we shouldnt talk. She responded with a bit of an insult .. that thats ok if I wan that but Im immature. How do you guys take that. Amy what mistakes have you made that are similar. What are you doing now? 1
monkeymaid Posted May 13, 2010 Posted May 13, 2010 db said it brotha! NC. ...she knows your madly in love and will be there no matter what. now shes gonna play the field, and you are in the field. ..so essentially you WILL get played if you just hang out with her. who cares what she says. ..immature, mature, its just her way of manipulating you to see it her way and so she can get what she wants. its a test. just like most **** girls do. you have to have value for her to be interested. you havent helped the situation, but you havent hurt it either. ...my opinion would be to figure out what you effed up, then wokr on it. ...like actively and with passion and conviction. do it for 12 months stright till its in your working memory. only then will you have changed on a long term basis enough to offer her what she wants. .....the trouble is, she has to do the same thing.
Author Karmaguy Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 Yeah I agree with you guys. It was something I didnt want to see but its been long enough. I tried LC in not contacting her and it seemed to work but once I did see her I gave her the power back and can see she just wants things her way . I also think your right that she was testing me . She also made a comment assuming I had a girlfriend now and that she is so happy for me b/c she wants me to be happy.. I dont know if I believe that or its her way to take guilt off herself for breaking up or shes just completely bluffing . I know it doesnt matter but I'm curious. (anyones thoughts) Anyway yes I agree NC is needed for myself, its going to be hard but Its what I need to do for me. We will see what happens in the future. If there can be any reconciliation I guess this is how it will have to happen
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