Trying to win back the mother of my child...need all the i can get

[cafe267]

This will be the first of many posts as I don't really have any outlets for my current situation and I'm on the other side of the country from 99% of my family/friends. feel free to follow along my insane journey here and any advice is appreciated! Just the background for now and let me know if i'm screwed.

 

 

Background on me:

I'm now 28. I'm a dumbass and immature but I try hard to be a good person... I moved to the west coast when i was 22...dropped out of college to start my own company and wanted to see a new part of the country. I was carrying well over a 3.0 gpa at a good school. I wasn't really happy though and wanted to get away...had been in a 5 year relationship w/a girl that was pressuring me to marry and wasn't sure where things were going. I am fairly creative and was able to start a company and make a good 60k in 3 months and figured I could keep it up. Problem is I have really opressive parents w/high standards that always complain...I wanted out for a year to test it out but instead of being honest I lied and said i was going away to med school. told the ex that as well b/c i wasn't sure what i wanted w/her but knew i wasn't ready to marry. Well so yeah 1st I need to point out 5 years ago I started a stupid lie to get away that has made my life unravel. I thought i'd be gone a year and figure things out but it took 5 and the girl out here to discover my stupidity. So when I got out here I had some friends w/ties back east and they assumed I was in med school as well...everyone did so I went with it to keep the peace. End of the 1st year I was ready to go back and my gf dumped me and so i stayed not sure where things were going and struggling along w/money and not sure how to escape my lie now going on 1+ years.

 

Fast fwd and a year later I met a girl she gets pregnant after 2 mos. Everyone knows me as the med student, and she could care less but thats what she knew me as...

 

About her:

Shes from a broken family...her dad walked out when she was 2 years old and left her mom for another man. Her step dad came in the picture and was incredibly emotionally abusive. Needless to say I have never met someone w/more trust issues and security issues. She had the demading high standard parents I had + the emotional abuse...a hard life for her. I the past month her step dad has filed for divorce and so she's living at home again w/her now 2x left mother and they're generally bitter towards most men. sharing the trauma of 2 dads who have both left. She has never trusted men much and actually let me in...we were engaged at one point. She's not open to dialogue so much...and generally just flips out then goes silent...yeah she's a bit nutty but I love the girl.

 

About us:

So we met she gets pregnant after 6 weeks...at this point I don't know if i should come clean about my school lie...I love this girl so fast and have stronger feelings for her than anyone i've ever met. She wants the kid and clearly I know I'm not ready...not what I had prepared for at all. We fight a lot about it she says she'll do it w/out me etc and I know I adore her so we try. We've had minor issues at this point w/my Ex the one i dated for 5 years and left. We stayed friends and my pregnant gf (call her K) is not happy at all about us being friends and is very jealous.

 

We go to my parents to visit and while there bicker the whole time about the kid thing. She is very emotional and tempermental and its just a bad week long visit capped off by going to the airport, having our flights delayed, borring the girl in front of me's cell and K flipping out for me even talking to a girl. She says she'll sleep at airport and I can't leave a pregnant girl there...call many friends, she refuses to leave. I cycle through 4 friends who keep getting blown off and finally going through phone turn to my ex for a ride for us...big mistake. K flips out and so we fast fwd...

 

for the next 2 months we don't date, touch much or anything...i'm in the dog house yet she wants to marry me...i start pondering marrying a girl that can shut me out so much...i now realize it was her defense mechanism for coping all her life but I had never experienced that and I freaked out worrying if she still loved me...pondering life w/her etc. We were a great couple those first 2 months and at the first, I guess major issue, things really changed and never recovered the next 1.5 years...

 

She was always very critical of me and it grew...I tried hard nothing worked. eventually 2 months of this and I called my EX and asked her if this was normal etc. In my stupidity I didn't realize my EX still cared about me...over a year we developed what K called an emotional affair. My ex wanted me back...I saw her as a great friend but I hadn't wanted her for 2-3 years...i started pondering stuff like maybe I could marry the EX since she was a best friend but I never loved her beyond a friend.

 

Well over months K discovered me talking to my EX, at one point I changed my exes name to "MOM" just so I could stay friends w/her since she was my emotional outlet. I tried hard to talk to K about us but how she was wired just led to conflict and pain. I know I shouldn't have been so caught up in her emotions and we would've been fine.

 

At one point the EX came to visit across the country behind K's back...we just hung out no cheating and it was nice to be around someone not constantly criticizing me...was just nice to relax and enjoy life instead of the stresses I was under daily. Majorly wrong I know...

 

Well Dec. last year my life unraveled...K discovered my school lie. her family hated me...she hated me...she also discovered I'd been friends w/my EX, that she had visited etc...and she dumped me right away...my parents hated me etc...well i talked to my ex and was looking for a soft landing...talked to her on aim and said stuff like if my family is lost you better be the one etc...talked about maybe trying again...1st time i had done this...my ex had been doing this for a year + now.

 

Well K found this out to talking to my ex the next week...she got even more angry etc...but after a month of this she took me back and we were living together again...this is around Jan. In that month of my life exploding I realized how stupid I'd been and resolved to change...I can say since that day 6 months ago I've not lied, or been stupid and have kept my word...that school lie burden was lifted and I've been grateful for that.

 

well things are obviously very tense from jan-march...she decides I should join the military to prove my dedication...I freak out over the idea but she's worth it I decided and I fly home for 5.5 weeks and get enlisted w/the air guard in south carolina, across the country...we decide its a good place for us together. All this time i've been helping w/the baby a ton...always have been a good dad...and she's always on my case and generally hates me.

 

Day I enlist I call her and she tells me how proud she is and optimistic for us...says she's sure she wants to try a 2nd time many times in the days and weeks leading up to this. Well day after she discovers some 2+ year old posts I made on yahoo answers and questioning us and if i should marry her or be w/my ex etc. Thats it to her...last straw..after all she has forgiven she decides we're over.

 

I back off for the past month write her a 4 page letter...mail her and the baby a few gifts...last week i sent her flowers...well we get in a text battle and she says i'm wasting my time...its over...she's had time to think clearly and she's done...give up I can't be more clear to you. but she wants to know when I'm coming back to see the kid.

 

I fight it...citing what she has always preached about family, not giving up, how i helped her write a paper about it and families that try being happier 3 years down the line than those that give up, her anger at her dad for giving up too easily...all to no avail...so i say ok...i agree w/this i'm flying out on wed. see you then.

 

i find out while i'm away her mom and step dad decided on a divorce...and now her and her mom seem to have this pact to stay strong and a common hatred of men...I have talked to her mom this week and she seems to be nice to me and has forgiven some of my stupidity but I know she's in K's ear...

 

I turn up thursday morning on time and she's very done up...good sign I think at 8am for a girl that doesn't dress up...hair done up etc. well over lunch her mom and her start talking about how at some point we need to get papers signed regarding custody and how they want to control the men in her life etc. major negative...over the last 2 days she's been very indifferent towards me...just doesn't seem to care much...i came my this morning only to be turned away b/c the baby was sleeping and to come back after her nap...she hangs out when the baby is up and we go to the mall and play areas etc. but its clearly not the same...

 

its only been 2 days so don't know what to do...i figure being around may soften her stance as she's always been so volatile but usually she hates me now she just seems indifferent...i don't see how being gone a month could change it all especially since Dec. I've been a man of my word...she just doesn't seem to care...anything I can do? friends have suggested couples therapy but don't think I can suggest that at this point.

 

Basically I leave for basic training in august or sept...yeah I'm in the military now b/c of her but she doesn't care....I committed to being here 3 weeks for now and can realistically stay all summer and ride this out...I'm hoping just being around each other again she'll remember I'm not the complete demon she made me out to be w/her mom in the 5 weeks I was away. I just don't know what to do...I really screwed up, I've also realized I was a bit critical of her and angry at her b/c of how she changed. I think if she can lighten up and be open to me again, I know I've already changed and even though she's now tossed out I can quit the military obligation I feel like I'd just be continuing to break my word. I decided to be a new person and really commit to it in Dec. so, I think people really can change when they want to and I know I sure as hell do. We have a family and I figure really trying hard to make this work is the right thing to do, on top of the fact that I really do love this girl. So yeah I'm an immature idiot but given how she's been how should I proceed?

[giovanniazael]

I say this all the time: You sometimes have to not fear losing in order to gain. What I mean by that is sometimes the more you fight for something the less chance you have of getting it. Not every battle is worth fighting. In reality, I've come to find out that it's almost unrealistic to fight for love. It's better maintained naturally. In your case, I feel like you can have her back. Why? Well you know why she is the way she is and she still wants you to be around for the child. A woman that hates you would annihilate you from her and her child's life and would rather have nothing to do with you. Yes, trust is hard to regain, but your commitment to your child will do well for the both of you. The power of understanding is huge. Understanding helps to pin point the origin of a problem which enables you to build from it. My advice to you? Just focus on your child! Whenever you come by, ask if she'd like to join you with you child and if she continues to act indifferent, ignore her and continue to interact with you child. At the end of the day, with or without her, you still have that responsibility. Your dedication to your relationship with your child will definitely make an impact on her. Also, every now and then, do something special for the both of them and only show her you love her through your actions, not words because there's a possibility that she wouldn't want to hear it. Remember, the key thing for you now is your actions. Forget about anything else. Send her cards expressing how special she is whether or not you think she'll appreciate it now because it's always food for thought. If she does text you harsh things, never answer any of them. It won't take you anywhere. When you see her, never give the "US" talk. Like I said before, only your actions can win her over. She knows what you did and doesn't believe things can get better. People are more likely pron to believe what they see than what they here. I really hope you get your girl back my friend. I wish you the best and hope to hear good news from you. Best of luck!