Stomp Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 Alright, this is going to be a long one but I think the history has to be known. This is very important to me, please no troll posts. I know I'm pathetic and I don't know how to change that. Also, I have been diagnosed with asperger syndrome. I had 1 relationship that lasted longer than a few months in high school where the girl cheated on me a lot and treated me like crap. She broke up with me and I eventually got over it because I was able to hang out with friends. I hit about 1/2 or 2/3rds through my senior year and started dating this amazing girl that this story is about. I lived with my parents then and moved out a month before my 18th birthday. I failed my first senior year and had to go back. I passed the second senior year. My parents wouldn't give me my social security number or anything for the first year so getting a job wasn't even an option but they finally did the second year but my g/f wouldn't let me get one because she said I should focus on graduating. She was my only ride to work so I didn't really have a choice. Well after my second senior year my g/f started college again and she's a workaholic so she's always done 40+hour weekly work schedule things as a CNA. I didn't want to go to college after leaving high school and I tried to get a job. I put in applications for 2 years and I've never gotten a call. I'm shy+ I have very low self-esteem issues because both of my parents never really told me they loved me and I was beat a lot as well as told I had ruined their lives. I was the firstborn, they had 4 more kids including my sister who ran away a lot and tried to kill herself so much state finally took her away after I had moved out when she had to pick up my chores. Because my parents had made me do everything around and outside the house like cleaning and yard work my dad worked and my mom cooked and when I was young they would just lock me and my oldest sister outside all day and do drugs inside. (I know that now because I remember the stuff they used laying around the house.) They never liked me and still don't even though they stopped doing drugs and got an apartment in a town that state pays for and even if they did I can't feel close to them because of how mean they were then and they still try to get money from me and waste their money on useless junk and fast food. so otherwise, this girlfriend is all I have. After high school I couldn't find a job and was alone all day so I started playing free MMOs to pass the time. I became addicted and eventually stopped caring about finding a job and hanging out with friends (when they'd want me to, I'm quiet and not very fun to be around because I'm afraid if I talk no one will like me or I'll say something bad.) well a few months ago my "addiction" (I don't like calling it that but I can't really think of anything else other than "I suck") got so bad that I stayed up all night and didn't sleep with her. she dumped me a month before our 3 year anniversary because of this, but didn't kick me out because she still loved me. Well, I changed and stopped playing mmos as much and I made sure to spend time with her. I realized how I had been acting and was horrified. Sure I'd spend time with her while she was there, but instead of sleeping with her I'd stay up playing games. So I stopped playing games at night and started sleeping with her. Everything was going really well after that until we had a fight because she kept trying to get me to wear an extra shirt over my normal one and I'm overwieght (6 feet tall 240 pounds, so not morbidly obese.) so I kept telling her no but she kept insisting and I yelled at her for the first time ever because she was really hurting my feelings. she almost broke up with me then and we didnt have sex for 3 months after that until I brought up the fact that we hadnt and she said that because I yelled at her for a stupid reason it had been the cause. So I asked her what I could do to help her forgive me and I was asking her anything I could think of and when I said "bake you a cake" she was like, yeah, sounds good. So I did and we made up. Well now a couple months later we were doing really well but I not helping with cleaning or anything so she had been talking to a guy about me and saying really mean things on facebook. She left her account on one day and I saw "I" had a new message so I clicked it and it was her account and her message. Well I hadn't realized how bad I was being (I despise cleaning because I had to do it for like 10 years by myself for my parents) and when I read them I started cleaning things right away and then I confronted her about the messages. she told me she had just needed to vent to someone and she hadn't really meant those things she said about me, she just wanted to be able to say them while she was mad and I'd never know. (She didn't feel the way in the messages, she just wanted to get her feelings out to someone.) you should also know that I have NEVER been mean to her. I always help her around the house and do things for her while she was here, it's just whenever she was gone I kind of turned my mind off until she came back and my "happy" feeling came back so I was able to function, never cheated on her or said anything bad about her. Anyway, the last couple of months I'd been doing really well, balancing cleaning and games and paying attention to her whenever she was home (she has a full time job+college so there isn't THAT much time to spend.) She told me she wanted to marry me. She then told me she wanted to break up because she had never dated before (her single mom was a crazy drunken bitch who wouldn't let her date.) So we broke up. She said she was going to date this guy who I hated a WHOLE lot because he hurt a friend of mine one of the few I still saw occasionally and talked to on the net(he sort of took advantage of a friend who has emotional problems and got her to let him take advantage of her in a bad sexual way that made an orifice bleed that isn't supposed to.) well I went into a rage and yelled at her a whole lot. She then left for a day and came back. She came back with a hickey from him. Well, during our time apart I cooled down and realized she deserved to be happy, and that's all I want for her is to be happy, I told her if he would make her happy then she should date him. She then told me she hated herself for letting him do that and that she didn't care for him at all. We then made up and became friends again. After that I decided that "me" as a person wasn't going to work. She still had the feeling of not wanting to regret never dating while she was young when she gets older, even though we'd made up about the fight. Well I figured either way she wasn't going to be with me any time soon. So I've completely ruled off video games and am starting to try and work out to lose my extra weight. (which is hard because I've always had bad health since I was little because my mom was 15 when she had me and I had underdeveloped lungs and blood pressure problems.) I've started hanging out with friends again and we're still living together til I can find a job and move out. I joined work-finding/helping you find a job companies. Well, I can't officially do it until I get my ID because I could never get it because my mom lost my SS card but had the # memorized (which is what she gave me. She had used it to open accounts in my name which is another problem entirely...) and I'd never bothered to try and get a new one because my g/f always told me she didn't even care if I got a job. (which for some odd reason, she never actually did. she has a tell when she lies that I can recognize, 3+ years does that.) well, we set a "checkup date" for 1 year from now because she says she still loves me and wants to marry me but she doesn't want the regret later on in life of not having dated. the real problem is, I don't know if I can function without her. Even if I get a job and move out, I need someone to love. I have so much emotion it just wells up inside me and I can't eat or sleep. (been sleeping on the couch, well NOT-sleeping on the couch.) But there are no women around here who would be interested in a fat guy who has very low self-esteem and there even if there are women who could get past that just because I'm a really nice, albeit a bit slow to notice things, person, I can't meet anyone! everyone I knew from high school is taken and because I spent my entire life before this special G/F immersed in books (as a way to escape my horrible homelife, I've read hundreds.) my social skills are horrible, besides my self-esteem issues and the fact that I have a girly-sounding/12 year old boy voice is REALLY hurting me. women just say I'm "cute" and they never want "cute" guys they think are weak. I'm fat, I have a girl voice (I get mistaken for a girl over the phone...) and I can't bring myself to even jokenly insult my friends because I'm afraid they'll get mad at me for it and not like me anymore. I don't know if I can last a year alone. Maybe longer, she said if she fell in love before the year, or if the feeling hadn't gone away, we wouldn't get back together. I can't get a new g/f, even though I stopped playing games and ****, I can't get up the confidence to approach someone and the days are all blurring together because I cant sleep without her, I cry alot, I have no one to talk to because I can't look even MORE pathetic around people. (I think I have a seriously low testosterone level because I've just never been aggressive or dominate.) I just don't know what to do. If I get a job and move out, she might never come to me again and life without her just isn't worth living because I know from the facts that I'm pathetic and not a real man (I can't get up confidence because whenever I talk I hear my ****ing kid voice and I just want to cut my tongue out. ) and I'll never be able to find another girl with no social skills, no confidence, a girly voice, no physical attractiveness, and no hope or confidence. I have no money to see a therapist, I'm trying websites as my last hope. If I am faced with a year alone, I don't think I'll be able to do it. What would I have to live for except the year mark where there is a 20ish% chance that I'll be able to marry the woman I love? I've been cleaning the entire house spotless, cooking meals for her whenever she's coming home, and being the very best friend I can be, even apologizing to her friend that gave her the hickey for yelling at him over the phone. Is there anyway I can keep her? I don't know what to do, I have no one to talk to, no hope for the future, and nobody to love me. Is there a way I can convince her to stay with me and ignore this feeling? I know it's selfish, but my entire childhood was nothing but pain and misery with all the kids at school making fun of me because I was fat and all the friends I made either moved away, or turned on me (before high school when I made good friends and moved out) and not a single person that cared for me besides my grandmother who my mom and dad would never let me see. I just wanted some happiness in my life finally, I don't want to lose it now.
giovanniazael Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 Alright, this is going to be a long one but I think the history has to be known. This is very important to me, please no troll posts. I know I'm pathetic and I don't know how to change that. Also, I have been diagnosed with asperger syndrome. I had 1 relationship that lasted longer than a few months in high school where the girl cheated on me a lot and treated me like crap. She broke up with me and I eventually got over it because I was able to hang out with friends. I hit about 1/2 or 2/3rds through my senior year and started dating this amazing girl that this story is about. I lived with my parents then and moved out a month before my 18th birthday. I failed my first senior year and had to go back. I passed the second senior year. My parents wouldn't give me my social security number or anything for the first year so getting a job wasn't even an option but they finally did the second year but my g/f wouldn't let me get one because she said I should focus on graduating. She was my only ride to work so I didn't really have a choice. Well after my second senior year my g/f started college again and she's a workaholic so she's always done 40+hour weekly work schedule things as a CNA. I didn't want to go to college after leaving high school and I tried to get a job. I put in applications for 2 years and I've never gotten a call. I'm shy+ I have very low self-esteem issues because both of my parents never really told me they loved me and I was beat a lot as well as told I had ruined their lives. I was the firstborn, they had 4 more kids including my sister who ran away a lot and tried to kill herself so much state finally took her away after I had moved out when she had to pick up my chores. Because my parents had made me do everything around and outside the house like cleaning and yard work my dad worked and my mom cooked and when I was young they would just lock me and my oldest sister outside all day and do drugs inside. (I know that now because I remember the stuff they used laying around the house.) They never liked me and still don't even though they stopped doing drugs and got an apartment in a town that state pays for and even if they did I can't feel close to them because of how mean they were then and they still try to get money from me and waste their money on useless junk and fast food. so otherwise, this girlfriend is all I have. After high school I couldn't find a job and was alone all day so I started playing free MMOs to pass the time. I became addicted and eventually stopped caring about finding a job and hanging out with friends (when they'd want me to, I'm quiet and not very fun to be around because I'm afraid if I talk no one will like me or I'll say something bad.) well a few months ago my "addiction" (I don't like calling it that but I can't really think of anything else other than "I suck") got so bad that I stayed up all night and didn't sleep with her. she dumped me a month before our 3 year anniversary because of this, but didn't kick me out because she still loved me. Well, I changed and stopped playing mmos as much and I made sure to spend time with her. I realized how I had been acting and was horrified. Sure I'd spend time with her while she was there, but instead of sleeping with her I'd stay up playing games. So I stopped playing games at night and started sleeping with her. Everything was going really well after that until we had a fight because she kept trying to get me to wear an extra shirt over my normal one and I'm overwieght (6 feet tall 240 pounds, so not morbidly obese.) so I kept telling her no but she kept insisting and I yelled at her for the first time ever because she was really hurting my feelings. she almost broke up with me then and we didnt have sex for 3 months after that until I brought up the fact that we hadnt and she said that because I yelled at her for a stupid reason it had been the cause. So I asked her what I could do to help her forgive me and I was asking her anything I could think of and when I said "bake you a cake" she was like, yeah, sounds good. So I did and we made up. Well now a couple months later we were doing really well but I not helping with cleaning or anything so she had been talking to a guy about me and saying really mean things on facebook. She left her account on one day and I saw "I" had a new message so I clicked it and it was her account and her message. Well I hadn't realized how bad I was being (I despise cleaning because I had to do it for like 10 years by myself for my parents) and when I read them I started cleaning things right away and then I confronted her about the messages. she told me she had just needed to vent to someone and she hadn't really meant those things she said about me, she just wanted to be able to say them while she was mad and I'd never know. (She didn't feel the way in the messages, she just wanted to get her feelings out to someone.) you should also know that I have NEVER been mean to her. I always help her around the house and do things for her while she was here, it's just whenever she was gone I kind of turned my mind off until she came back and my "happy" feeling came back so I was able to function, never cheated on her or said anything bad about her. Anyway, the last couple of months I'd been doing really well, balancing cleaning and games and paying attention to her whenever she was home (she has a full time job+college so there isn't THAT much time to spend.) She told me she wanted to marry me. She then told me she wanted to break up because she had never dated before (her single mom was a crazy drunken bitch who wouldn't let her date.) So we broke up. She said she was going to date this guy who I hated a WHOLE lot because he hurt a friend of mine one of the few I still saw occasionally and talked to on the net(he sort of took advantage of a friend who has emotional problems and got her to let him take advantage of her in a bad sexual way that made an orifice bleed that isn't supposed to.) well I went into a rage and yelled at her a whole lot. She then left for a day and came back. She came back with a hickey from him. Well, during our time apart I cooled down and realized she deserved to be happy, and that's all I want for her is to be happy, I told her if he would make her happy then she should date him. She then told me she hated herself for letting him do that and that she didn't care for him at all. We then made up and became friends again. After that I decided that "me" as a person wasn't going to work. She still had the feeling of not wanting to regret never dating while she was young when she gets older, even though we'd made up about the fight. Well I figured either way she wasn't going to be with me any time soon. So I've completely ruled off video games and am starting to try and work out to lose my extra weight. (which is hard because I've always had bad health since I was little because my mom was 15 when she had me and I had underdeveloped lungs and blood pressure problems.) I've started hanging out with friends again and we're still living together til I can find a job and move out. I joined work-finding/helping you find a job companies. Well, I can't officially do it until I get my ID because I could never get it because my mom lost my SS card but had the # memorized (which is what she gave me. She had used it to open accounts in my name which is another problem entirely...) and I'd never bothered to try and get a new one because my g/f always told me she didn't even care if I got a job. (which for some odd reason, she never actually did. she has a tell when she lies that I can recognize, 3+ years does that.) well, we set a "checkup date" for 1 year from now because she says she still loves me and wants to marry me but she doesn't want the regret later on in life of not having dated. the real problem is, I don't know if I can function without her. Even if I get a job and move out, I need someone to love. I have so much emotion it just wells up inside me and I can't eat or sleep. (been sleeping on the couch, well NOT-sleeping on the couch.) But there are no women around here who would be interested in a fat guy who has very low self-esteem and there even if there are women who could get past that just because I'm a really nice, albeit a bit slow to notice things, person, I can't meet anyone! everyone I knew from high school is taken and because I spent my entire life before this special G/F immersed in books (as a way to escape my horrible homelife, I've read hundreds.) my social skills are horrible, besides my self-esteem issues and the fact that I have a girly-sounding/12 year old boy voice is REALLY hurting me. women just say I'm "cute" and they never want "cute" guys they think are weak. I'm fat, I have a girl voice (I get mistaken for a girl over the phone...) and I can't bring myself to even jokenly insult my friends because I'm afraid they'll get mad at me for it and not like me anymore. I don't know if I can last a year alone. Maybe longer, she said if she fell in love before the year, or if the feeling hadn't gone away, we wouldn't get back together. I can't get a new g/f, even though I stopped playing games and ****, I can't get up the confidence to approach someone and the days are all blurring together because I cant sleep without her, I cry alot, I have no one to talk to because I can't look even MORE pathetic around people. (I think I have a seriously low testosterone level because I've just never been aggressive or dominate.) I just don't know what to do. If I get a job and move out, she might never come to me again and life without her just isn't worth living because I know from the facts that I'm pathetic and not a real man (I can't get up confidence because whenever I talk I hear my ****ing kid voice and I just want to cut my tongue out. ) and I'll never be able to find another girl with no social skills, no confidence, a girly voice, no physical attractiveness, and no hope or confidence. I have no money to see a therapist, I'm trying websites as my last hope. If I am faced with a year alone, I don't think I'll be able to do it. What would I have to live for except the year mark where there is a 20ish% chance that I'll be able to marry the woman I love? I've been cleaning the entire house spotless, cooking meals for her whenever she's coming home, and being the very best friend I can be, even apologizing to her friend that gave her the hickey for yelling at him over the phone. Is there anyway I can keep her? I don't know what to do, I have no one to talk to, no hope for the future, and nobody to love me. Is there a way I can convince her to stay with me and ignore this feeling? I know it's selfish, but my entire childhood was nothing but pain and misery with all the kids at school making fun of me because I was fat and all the friends I made either moved away, or turned on me (before high school when I made good friends and moved out) and not a single person that cared for me besides my grandmother who my mom and dad would never let me see. I just wanted some happiness in my life finally, I don't want to lose it now. Listen you're going to have to find the man in you because no human being deserves to be that hard on themselves like this. You can't sit here and there me you are pathetic. By the things you are saying, YOU are a very respectable young man. Very admirable I must add. I want you to listen to what I'm about to say: Love yourself man! It's not fair to say that about yourself. I see a strong young man inside of you that enabled you to endure these things you've been through. If you've made it this far, I'm pretty sure you have what it takes to turn this whole thing around. The time alone would be good for you to prove to yourself that you're better than what you say. For some reason, I don't see any of those things that you mentioned in you. I see a young man with so much potential and a young man that can make it on his own. It's written all through your actions. I really think a lot of guys can learn from you as a man. Maybe you should look yourself in the mirror and rethink what your saying about yourself. Look deep inside of you. I don't know what you are saying, but I think you're an awesome dude my friend and you truly represent well. And I'm sure any real man would second what I am saying. Believe in yourself man! It's no the end it's the beginning. Stay up!
USMCHokie Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 Paragraphs can be created with strategic use of the "ENTER" key...
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