Samari Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 Hey. So I wanted the board's opinion's on a certain aspect of my relationship with my girlfriend who I've been dating for almost a year and a half. Just to give you a breakdown, we're a good couple overall. We fight sometimes about little things, but we usually make up quickly. We both live in the city and moved in together about 5 months ago. We're both art students at a university in San Francisco. As for my girlfriend specifically she's great. Beautiful, slender body, shares a similar interest in the art field as me (we're both illustration majors at our school), very funny, smart, and really cute most of the time. She's also responsible and a very imaginative cook. There is a strong chance I would like to marry this girl one day if things keep going the way they are. But sometimes I do wonder about other areas of our relationship. We've had sex plenty of times, and it's been alright I suppose. It was her first time as it was mine. She's not a bad sex partner, but I wouldn't say she comes off as a top tier partner with that activity either. She never really "wants it" from me...it's always the other way around. Me taking off her clothes, always being the one to initiate. And there are certain things she won't do no matter what...such as let me touch her vagina with my hand, certain positions, etc (honestly the only time I thought she was fantastic under the sheets was when we were both a little drunk.) And her sex appeal sometimes leaves a little to be desired. There are occassions where I wish she would dress a little more well...sexy. Maybe some high heels every once in a while instead of the same old beat up Converse shoes. Or perhaps some stockings? Maybe some perfume? Earrings? Or rather just being more enthusiastic about this area of our relationship. I know this makes me sound like the bad guy that just wants a ho for a girlfriend. But I just wanted to be honest as to how a small part of me is feeling. I know sex isn't everything, but I mean if this is a girl in which I'm potentially going to spend a good portion of my life with, if not all of it...is it really selfish to question this area of our partnership? Let me tell you all if I had to make a decision now, I would spend the rest of my life with my girlfriend. I value who she is more than anything else. And I know there are sacrifices to be made in life. Perhaps this is one of them. I just want to ask all of you if I'm in the right for questioning this. Thanks.
Bejita463 Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 I think you should talk to her about it. If this seems like a concern NOW, imagine how much more of one it would be years into a marriage. Communication is one of the foundations of a solid relationship, and that includes the awkward topics.
Sazerac Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 The fact that the only time you thought her fantastic in bed was when the two of you were lit suggests that she has some pretty strong inhibitions when it comes to the bedroom and sexual activity. You definitely need to talk about your wishes with her, in a non-confrontational way. She definitely seems like a keeper by all other indications. Bear in mind that if she is that sexually inhibited, there may be deep-rooted difficulties (possibly prior abuse issues, strict religious upbringing, etc.) But you won't know until you talk it over with her.
make me believe Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 Yeah, you definitely need to discuss this with her ASAP. But do it in a sensitive way so that she doesn't think you're critisizing her. If she feels like she's being critisized for her sexual performance, it's going to make her clam up & be even more reluctant to try new things & open up. You should tell her things/positions you'd like to try and if she says no, get to the bottom of why she's so uncomfortable with her sexuality! But I gotta say, the fact that she doesn't let you touch her vagina and never seems to want you the way you want her are really bad signs. Those are things that are likely to get worse with time. And you do NOT want to be one of the men posting here in 5 years saying that the sexual chemistry was never there and now you've been married a few years and haven't had sex in months... Sexual chemistry & compatability are vital in a long-term relationship and there's nothing wrong with ending it with someone you're not sexually compatible with. You absolutely should NOT sacrifice a good sex life!!! Believe me, you will wind up miserable if you do.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 Yeah, just come right out and tell her you'd love to see her in some of that girlie stuff. I can't identify with her reservations in bed, but I do identify with the wardrobe choices. I'm a creative person not concerned with fashion, so I usually dress comfy and maybe a little artsy. It took me a while to figure out that a touch of makeup and girlier clothes for date nights is almost always a turn-on for the guy.
Author Samari Posted May 8, 2010 Author Posted May 8, 2010 Thanks. I'll keep all of your suggestions in mind. Just to give you a more clear picture of my girlfriend, she was raised in Macau (close to Hong Kong) and is an international student since she came to the United States. She doesn't have any religious affiliation, but she grew up really sheltered along with a lot of her friends. Which is why she never really had any information about sexual activities and I really don't think she knows what will turn a guy on, etc. Her first kiss even came from me, and we're both 22. Every once in a while, she's throw on some nice boots or dress a little more flirtatious, but a lot of time her style and persona leave a lot more to be desired. And it's not like she can't pull it off. But I shall talk to her about it.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 I think it helps to make it about her, e.g., "You are so sexy when you wear X." As for the sex, share a bottle of wine, then get her really turned on, and tell her you want to try something that you think she'll love. Then go for one of the things she normally shies away from, like touching her with your hands. Warm up to these activities gradually. Don't go all crazy all at once, or it'll just freak her out.
Els Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 The other posters have addressed the sex issue. As for the other issue... give her a pair of earrings or perfume as a gift, perhaps? That's a far better way of doing it than talking, which may dent her self-esteem a little.
Peaceful Guy Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 ..And I know there are sacrifices to be made in life. Perhaps this is one of them. I just want to ask all of you if I'm in the right for questioning this. Thanks. i think its totally okay to think about/ask about this. it sounds like she doesn't feel sexy. have you spoken with her about this? or do you not want to put her on the spot and ruin an otherwise good thing??
Author Samari Posted May 8, 2010 Author Posted May 8, 2010 (edited) The other posters have addressed the sex issue. As for the other issue... give her a pair of earrings or perfume as a gift, perhaps? That's a far better way of doing it than talking, which may dent her self-esteem a little. The perfume might help...if she decides to wear it. As far as earrings, no. She doesn't even have her ears pierced. Something having to do with her upbringing and her father not liking the idea or whatever. i think its totally okay to think about/ask about this. it sounds like she doesn't feel sexy. have you spoken with her about this? or do you not want to put her on the spot and ruin an otherwise good thing?? I've kind of hinted at it jokingly various times, but it seems like she isn't willing to experiment. We've walked by a Victoria Secret store several times and I've make jokes such as "Oooo, you'd look good in that...rawr" or something along those lines. And she usually plays it off in a nonchalant manner. I think she knows what I like...but she just doesn't want to break out of her shell. I think it's more so that she doesn't hold the "sexual" aspect of our relationship in high regard. She really isn't into things like dancing, etc. A really, "reserved" girl. That is the best way I can put it. And it's kind of hard to talk to her about it seriously. I'm thinking about doing it, and I really want to...but I'm afraid it might spark into a fight and she'll get really moody and say something along the lines of "Well I can't change who I am, if you want that kind of girl then blah blah blah". And I don't want her to change her persona...it's just that I would like it if she experimented a little more and took more time to examine our sex life. Edited May 8, 2010 by Samari
Els Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 Well, get her the perfume as a gift, then. If that works well you can try it with the other things as well. Definitely not the earrings if she doesn't already have pierced ears though. If she decides not to wear it, at least you know you've tried. Frankly, though, I'm really not big on dressing up myself, but if the bf bought me anything of that sort I would definitely at least wear it on some special date nights, unless it was something that I really am against. Most girls would too, IMO. So if she flat-out refuses to wear it, you have your answer that she really dislikes wearing such things (as opposed to merely not thinking about it).
Ruby Slippers Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 And it's kind of hard to talk to her about it seriously. I'm thinking about doing it, and I really want to...but I'm afraid it might spark into a fight and she'll get really moody and say something along the lines of "Well I can't change who I am, if you want that kind of girl then blah blah blah". Why are you afraid to talk to her? Who cares if she gets moody? Speak your mind, man!
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