No One I can Talk to

[Hastings123]

Hello anyone who wants to read this.

 

I'm not sure where to start so maybe a bit about myself will help so you can know something about me.

 

I'm 23, I graduated from a great university last year with a great degree in French and German. My time at university was somewhat 'fraught' - battling with depression for more than 3/4s of my time there. My drinking was... problematic, making things worse, when it got to the stage that I was drinking vodka most days, alone in my room. I gained almost 100lbs at university, with a couple of horrible relationships to throw into the mix to boot. In my final 2 terms, I managed to stop completely, in a single day, including smoking. I was also taking large amounts of ephedrine/caffeine/aspirine tablets, ostensibly to give me the energy to get through another day of perma-tiredness and utter demotivation. This culminated, after really abusing it for months on end, in heart palpitations even after I'd stopped everything and even lost about 50lbs or so in around 3 months.

 

So endeth my time at university, a time I somehow assumed that represented the end of my problems. I ended up back at home at the age of 22, repairing the damage I'd done to myself, and looking for a job. After about 8 months of being on benefits, being slowly driven mad by my sense of failure at being unable to find even a decent average job, let alone anything for a graduate, I met a really lovely woman through a penpal website - ostensibly to keep my German at least functional.

 

Suffice to say I, totally unexpectedly given how miserable relationships had made me over the previous years, fell head over heels for her. The problem? She lives in Berlin, and me in some far-flung village in the middle of nowheresville England. After about 4 months and our relationship becoming something really special, and my life at home driving me to distraction, I decided to do something that I'm still deciding whether - today - was absolutely crazy. I found a job online in Germany, it happened to be near her, and I thought: '* * * * it, go for it.' At this point I should say that I have been in two previous (absolutely horrendous) long-distance relationships. This was a big factor in my decision, not wanting to go through that again, regardless of how stupid or insane my decision to move countries was. One caveat, however, was that I have lived in Germany before - and so while nuts - wasn't AS nuts as it would've been, say, if I'd moved to some place totally alien to me.

 

So, the day finally comes, and about a month ago I arrived. My accommodation, while OK, is definitely not somewhere I want to be for a long time. Here comes the rub. After only 2 weeks, some jerk-off boss from head office comes to the Hotel and - basically - f*cks everything. Even the hotel managers hated him. To cut a long story short (as if it wasn't long enough already) - he sacked the whole security team. Including me. To save money.

The result of this, and since the managers - who admittedly were nice about it - managed to get me another job to tide me over so I'm not completely screwed. The rub? I'm gonna be a damn cleaner. I have nothing against cleaners. I also try to tell myself that as long as you try hard and do a decent day's work, there's nothing to be ashamed of. The job, virtually guaranteed, starts in a week or so, and I've been paid a month's wages from the f*cked-up job, so I'm... ok, for money, right now.

 

The net result is, I'm abroad, with few 'support networks' (whoever came up with that phrase?) and I'm really struggling. The first couple of weeks were great whilst I had that security of a job that - whilst not great - paid ok, and the people were nice too. Since last week when I kind of messed up (not majorly but still) a really special weekend for my girlfriend when my insecurities got the best of me and, in trying to keep a lid on it, ended up coming across as "like you didn't even give a crap" to her friends. This was the point at which things really started to slide. I'd lost my job, embarrassed myself in front of her friends, and argued with her. Furthermore this opened a whole, nasty, can of worms for me because I've struggled with socialising over the course of my life so far. Offending people, being totally insensitive, when actually I'm a f*cking sensitive, caring, intelligent guy. It's deeply frustrating and makes me so angry with myself, and that's what all the alcohol and other things are for.

 

As any other guys out there will understand, this situation is an absolute recipe for massive insecurity and, given my predisposition to depression in the first place, a lot of unhappy thoughts and - quelle surprise - I've been drinking every day since I lost that job. To boot, I ended up at the doctor with a back problem and was immediately offered benzodiazepenes for it. So, on top of the drinking I've been taking those whilst getting drunk alone too.

 

Losing a job, admitting to myself that I'm right on the edge of real depression - again - and trying desperately hard to keep a lid on it for the sake of my relationship is taking its toll on me. And the worst thing is that it doesn't even work, maybe it does like 80% of the time, but the other 20%? That's where this horrible, repellent, insecurity leaks out and feeds straight back into coming across as a rude as*hole again. It's really not me. When I'm happy and myself, whilst in my defence - women CAN be too sensitive about things - we have a great relationship.

 

I fear, with a dreadful sense of inevitability, that I will destroy it just like I have in other relationships. The worst part of this is that I can't take that again, to fail again. I have a lot of suicidal thoughts, not because I'm * * * * ing crazy and I can't take some idealized woman rejecting me again - but because I've seen this whole pattern before, and I thought this time I'd cracked it. And I don't think I have. And, well, that's when I start thinking about hanging myself or getting enough benzos/sleeping pills and alcohol to just not wake up. My other idea, because I don't really want to die a coward in my room on my bed, is when I see - and I'm sure most of us will at some point - someone being attacked, hurt, mugged, whatever, and intervening so hopefully I can get myself killed that way instead. A bit like a different flavour of 'suicide by cop' as they say in the States. Still, it's hard to do because I don't want to do that to my family. If I didn't feel obliged to stay around because of them I'd have done it many times already.

 

I can't tell my girlfriend any of this, this time round I want to protect my relationship and my family. I'm afraid of an inevitable slide into paralysis and depression, this time possibly worse than before. I can't go home, I don't want to, because I don't want to fail.

 

If you read it or reply, thank you.

[D-Lish]

It's time to get your **** together, plain and simple. One thing I can tell you after just having made it through the lowest period of my life (including drinking and depression issues), you have to be pro-active in your own recovery. Participate in change, and things can and will change.

 

Use your time in between jobs to find a different job. Use this time to beef up your resume, make new contacts, hit the pavement and get that resume out there.

 

All the time you are spending getting hammered alone could be spent on handing out your resume.

 

You don't HAVE to submit to this job just because it's a sure thing. It's nice to have a job in the meantime, but you can't give up.

 

Life is a series of choices. Don't ever think you have no control over your destiny. People that succeed in life aren't people that just luck into things, they make it happen.

 

Even if you take this job in the interim, you can still shop around for something better.

 

Get off the pills, get off the alcohol and set some goals. You have the tools, you just have to use them.

[GrayClouds]

I congratulate you for taking a risk, sometime they work out sometimes they don't but success only comes with risk. And what ever mistake you made remember it is not if you make mistake, for you will, it is how fast you can recover from them that matters.

 

Now about the depression. It is time to take it serious. Get some professional help first thing monday. If you need medication to help you with your mood do it but stop self medicating with pill and alcohol. As you work with the professional make sure your doing everything you can to help your mental state: get exercising ever freaking day, make sure your eating right, get on omega 3 fish oil, and vitamin d supplement and amino acids. And did I say get on a exercise program. As you know everything is harder if your fight depression a professional will help.

 

And about the girl. If you can not talk to her about this stuff then the relationship is not a good as you think it is. Even if it is, you need to make yourself the priority right now. Start by taking care of yourself physical, emotionally and financially.

 

Regarding work, it does not matter what your doing right now, your 22 even out of uni for the next few years work is just experience jobs. Job you get experience, experience about work and life, what you like and do not like, and who you are so in 10 years you can choose a career that is right for you.

 

Finally as long as your trying your not failing, failure is only from not trying. You may not feel like it at the moment but you are strong. Stopping smoking/drinking cold turkey, taking risk prove you are, now it is time to call on the strength again.

Edited May 8, 2010 by GrayClouds

[mickleb]

GrayClouds is correct: if you cannot tell this girl what is REALLY happening, your relationship is really not that great, at all.

 

Women cannot bear being lied to. It breaks their hearts when you guys struggle and don't reach out. Often, there's a feeling that THEY have failed in gaining your trust.

 

However, she may not be able to stick by you. The point is, though, that if she were genuinely the girl for you: she would.

 

Life is full of sh*t surprises, no matter how hard you have worked at achieving peace and contentment. When that sh*t hits the fan (which it will always do, from time to time) and you are in a partnership, you need a partner who can, not only, stick around but HELP. Anything less is, basically, a fantasy waiting to go 'poof'.

 

Remember, though, that you do NOT need a partner to be happy. Any partner will find you're worth more of their time, if you get this fact.

 

The other thing to hold onto is that, whilst your girl might feel inclined to make some judgements about you, ONCE you've (out of respect for her) spilled the golden beans and IF you can show her you are determined to make the necessary changes, her judgement will mean jack. Trust in yourself and she will trust in you. (If she can't, she never did.)

 

The drinking IS what will f*ck you, here. I think you know that. Do everything in your power to switch it, temporarily or otherwise, to the right anti-depressant for you plus some therapy. And, with some time on your hands, some exercise - even if it is only walking in those beautiful parks of Berlin.

 

Consider moving back home for a while IF you think it will help. I know the backwash villages of Blighty are no match for the allure of Germany's capital but if you think you might lose yourself there, it may not be the place for you, right now. Again, the girl will understand this, if she is the one for you.

 

You are so employable. You are, clearly, very intelligent. Your use of language (just English!) is excellent, so I'm sure you will be able to keep yourself afloat, financially, in some shape or form. I'm presuming you've blitzed the market for translation work? And you could consider putting that caring side of your nature to doing some temp work in the caring professions. If you're considering cleaning, you may as well be considering care work: it involves some cleaning and a whole lot of being a nice person - you have the tools. Plus, it pays more and will do wonders for your self-esteem.

 

You can, absolutely, get on your own two feet. You know you must. You know your ideas about suicide are a coping mechanism but that you are too sane to actually attempt to see them through.

 

Sometimes, people get themselves into an apparent dead-end, as they, subconsciously, know that is WHEN they will realise they NEED to change their thinking. It's often when people are at their lowest that that make the important changes in their lives.

 

You are changing your thinking by just posting. Keep that up, and you'll begin to change your behaviour, too.

 

I look forward to your reply.

 

x

[BubbleFreak]

I think Gray Clouds and Mickleb have made quality posts and I agree with what they have said.

 

All I can do is reiterate the strengths you have already show in your actions- attempting cold turkey and staying clean so long, taking the brave step to move somewhere new and when faced with a hurdle take on an alternative rather than give up totally, and the fact you were able to complete your degree while being depressed... these are all remarkable steps you have made in bettering yourself and show your ability to commit. You also show mental strength in simply having the self awareness to think about your situation and realise you want more in life. Many people are not able to/ unwilling to do this. Perhaps one day you will realise your true potential.

 

In the meantime, I hope you will learn to love yourself for your strengths and take care of yourself. The people who really love you will accept you, even through this tough time in your life, while you get the help you need. If you need to post more on LS, we are here for you.

[Hastings123]

Thanks guys, it's a real comfort to have someone, or some people, listen to you. Not to mention that all of it is great advice.

 

Around Wednesday this week I should have some kind of perfunctory interview to kick off my brand new cleaning job. So I guess... well, the positive side of it, at least, is that it will occupy eight hours of the day and tire me out, whilst hopefully paying the rent.

 

I spoke to my girlfriend yesterday over the phone, it wasn't an argument, but it was clear on both sides that neither of us is happy with the situation. The situation being that, on some level, I'm not the same guy around her that I was over the phone and in writing and at a distance. That is the fundamental problem. That Chris, for that's who I am, is an idealised version of me. The one with no worries about paying the rent (I was at home) and who could at least pretend that I was busy all day (I wasn't, being unemployed is awful - cleaning is preferable, at least that's one thing I've learnt). But the most important aspect of all is - confidence.

 

It's easy to hide your insecurities and your body language over the phone and in writing, and she is a perceptive woman, who has pointed out how I change suddenly from being very 'myself' and confident in specific situations, such as being alone together, to being... well, the girls here I'm sure will know what I mean in practice, but losing myself, becoming awkward, distant and uncomfortable when out together.

 

It's so frustrating because I know I can be a really relaxed, funny, occasionally even charming guy, in the right situation. Somehow all of this gets thrown out the window when we're out together. And yet instead of being myself, I almost physically 'shrink' back into myself when I'm out - but to a much greater extent - when I'm out with her. You can even see it, as she has pointed out, that I slouch, look blank, and all that nice Chris disappears. Replaced by a Chris I haven't even seen myself since I was about seventeen.

 

I thought I had beaten my low self-esteem and low confidence before. In fact I even said to her that I had overhauled and fixed this about three years ago, when I went out to pubs and clubs night after night, talking to girls again and again to adjust and acclimatise to those situations which I find on some level stressful. It seems that confidence is not something you can win or beat with one great effort, but something that requires constant input and self-nurture until it becomes natural.

 

This is, pardon my French, a f*cking tragedy. I know why I am like this, I thought I had beaten it and yet I haven't, and now it is gradually eroding and undermining the attraction of the woman I love very much. This isn't her fault, whilst in my defence she is not always as supportive or tolerant as she could be, this is fundamentally my problem and not hers. If we break up it will be because of the frustratingly simple problem of not being able to be myself - confidently - in more than a few select situations.

 

I'm only young in the greater scheme of things, 23, and I'm so f*cking tired of the endless battles with myself, just when you think you've won, and you relax, you're back there again fighting the same fight the third or fourth or hundredth time. I told her yesterday that I understood that she kept an 'invisible list' - meaning that every single thing I do wrong goes down on that list, and no matter what I do it will not take it off. That is part of the nature of attraction. Whether it's a good characteristic or a bad one aside, I think it is true. And I'm nearing the end of the list, the attraction has probably fallen to around 35% or so. If she were a less patient woman she'd have left around 50.

 

In fact, because honesty and self-improvement is important to me and to her, I asked her to give me a list of things that had bothered me about her. There were a few relatively minor things, e.g. don't leave cough sweet wrappers around, put the top on the toothpaste, etc, but the major things, the "blank expression" I get when I'm - easily - overwhelmed in busy social situations, all stem from confidence.

 

I have ideas about what to do, often so many running around my head that I don't know which to start with and end up doing nothing, but if - as I believe to be the case - most of the problems in my relationship are coming out of insecurity - what should I do?

 

The obvious answers are getting and keeping my very basic job to start with, and maybe some kind of physical exercise along with no drinking (smoking, I hope, will follow). I'm thinking about starting some MMA or Thai Boxing at a local gym. I had this idea last week but held off signing up for anything that costs money since I don't know how stable my financial situation is right now. But that is something I'd really love to do, and I don't know for sure, but I think it might be great for my self-esteem.

 

The most fundamental problem is: it is hard to be myself around people in day to day life. In work - it's ok, I'm a friendly, chatty guy, because I have a specific purpose. But you know what the hardest thing I find is? Just walking around town with my girlfriend, having dinner out together, or meeting any of her friends. I find all of those situations really, really hard. I get better at things that I can practice and rehearse dozens of times until I'm ok with it, but these situations just strip that right off in a millisecond.

 

On a separate note, I don't know whether this is a good thing or a bad thing in this specific circumstance, but she is incredibly, overwhelmingly, busy at university. This isn't some bullsh*t excuse not to see me, this is the German education system at work (thank God I didn't study here, she gets up 6am and doesn't stop working or writing till probably midnight most nights). The problem with this? I ****ing miss her, seeing her once a week is really hard. But this is a double-edged sword, because in my present condition, I'll probably do less damage this way. But still, it doesn't change the fact that - despite the circumstances - I find that really hard right now.

 

Just to reiterate, if only to myself if not to others, I know I'm young and only 23. But I was single for over eighteen months previous to this relationship, and I only got involved with her because it took me completely by surprise. I wanted to have her, and I achieved that part at least. I would never have bothered otherwise, I'd have just as happily just carried on running every day along all the country lanes and around the fields at home.

 

I considered some kind of existential exercise where I just simply make a list of options online, then follow whichever one most people recommended.

 

I'm open to advice and it matters to me, and this has been useful as an outpouring which I can't do with my girlfriend (she shouldn't have to bear this), but I really want to know what other people think.

 

Regards,

 

Chris

[GrayClouds]

As my mother would say "one thing leads to another, and we can decide if the other will be a good think or not"

 

That can hold true about for you about moving, the new job, the women you meet. All these things are mixed blessings we can choose to look at the negative or seeing them as the need step to a better life.

 

The job will give you something to pay the bills and something to do. Now what is your plan to work on the depression?

[BubbleFreak]

It sounds as though you have social anxiety, and it's only a problem if you perceive it to be. Obviously in your situation, with a girlfriend who likes going out and wants you to meet her friends, social anxiety would be a problem.

 

Actually I have social anxiety too. Similar to you I am outgoing at work but totally different in a purely social situation. I've accepted this is who I am in certain situations but it doesn't bother me since I prefer spending time with people I am comfortable with anyway, rather than a bunch of acquaintences I am "supposed" to give a good impression to. My bf is also similar to me in this regard, and I do not in any way find it offputting. This is how we are.

 

So, I'm just saying, that maybe you are putting yourself in situations that you don't even want to be in in the first place and that your true self will shine when you are doing things you want to do rather than "should". This may mean your gf is simply incompatible with you in regards to this trait but, if this is something you really do want to change about yourself, you can use your love for your gf as motivation to adapt.

[Hastings123]

Bump......

[GrayClouds]

Bump......

 

Now what is your plan to work on the depression?

[Hastings123]

My plan to work on depression... I guess I know what to do, I'm just procrastinating as usual. I must've spent almost 10 days in my room drunk or doped up on pills for my back pain, since I was paid for these two weeks. Heh, not a lot of motivation on my part. My concerns about my relationship - which is slowly gurgling down the drain - have been exhausting me. I'm almost getting to the point where, having only spoken to her on the phone once this week despite living about 20 mins from her, that I'm preparing for it to end.

 

I don't know how anything's going to end right now, that's why I'm so paralysed, just treading water. I don't know yet whether I have another job, I don't know if it's going to be ****ing awful, I don't know if I'll have a girlfriend in a month from now.

 

But a plan to work on depression? Managing depression for me requires a pretty savage exercise regime, the setting of targets (via post-its on my wall) and some good heavy metal albums.

 

I'm just so, so f*cking tired. If I'd had the slightest hint that yet another relationship was going to go down in flames in this way I'd never have thought twice about it.

 

Urgh.

[GrayClouds]

Drinking is only add to your depression. Are you going to pursue some therapy? What are you going to do as far as building a support network where you currently living besides your friend... new hobbies, old hobbies, clubs ect?

[jenifer1972]

You are clinically depressed and have been for quite some time. Your substance abuse is a way of trying to self medicate this, but it never works.

 

You are trying to think your way out of a round fishbowl, but you can't, because your depression is interfering. You need to really come to grips with this, and realize that you have been trying to 'pull yourself up by the bootstraps' for years without any luck.

 

Being on antidepressants is not shameful, certainly not as much as being alcoholic and a substance overuser.

 

You will find that when you get on the right antidepressant for you, a lot of this painful cloudy thinking will dissipate and you will wonder why you didn't do that sooner. You will lose your relationship if you don't do this, because eventually she will see your really dark, down side. Good luck.

[mickleb]

Your relationship MAY not fail if you show her you are determined to deal with sh*t but it should, if you're not, shouldn't it?

 

Try giving her a reason to stay.

 

If you at least try, you will find you won't regret the outcome (whatever it is) quite so much.

 

I would suggest anti-depressants as a first step, too. Have you tried them before? How did it go?

 

x

[Hastings123]

"You will lose your relationship if you don't do this, because eventually she will see your really dark, down side. Good luck."

 

Truer words were never spoken. I didn't want to admit this to myself, but I think I am depressed again. It's like a fog that comes over your slowly, I didn't notice it at first but bit by bit this is the place and the situation I've ended up in.

 

I love the round fish-bowl analogy. It's spot on. I keep trying to think my way out of it when actually more thinking isn't really what I need. It's interfering badly with my relationship as it is. The lack of self-esteem, it seems, was just one of the symptoms of my sliding back into depression and not a cause.

 

I've spent the last two weeks putting 90% of that unhappiness right back into myself, with the rest leaks out and contaminates my relationship.

 

I have a repeat prescription for as many SSRI's etc as I want. I do not want to take these again, however, as they turn me into a bit of a zombie along with other unpleasant side effects.

 

I think I could commit to quitting all drink and tablets again though, and maybe a gentle half-hour jog each day. I think those, as well as making some important calls regarding my next job tomorrow, would be a good start. I'll probably see my gf in the next few days so I really need to pull myself together quickly for that reason too.

[mickleb]

You're sounding much stronger already.

 

If you think you can quit on the booze and medication, go for it. Probably worth letting your doctor know where you're at though, so he/she can keep a check on you. It can't harm.

 

I'm really glad you posted here. It does help to have a few people on your case(!) and keeping you objective.

 

Some excellent choices made, here, Hastings. Well done!

 

Now get to it!

 

(BTW, has that name of yours got anything to do with your British location..?)

[Hastings123]

Morning!

 

Well, actually I chose it because it's my favourite English battle 1066 and all that.

 

I've brought out the post-its, what I always do when I mean business hehe, and made a list of everything I'm going to do today. As an extra motivator here it is, I'll be extra embarrassed if I don't do them all that way too.

 

1. Call the cleaning company regarding job

2. No drinking (I have some left, I will treat it as a reminder rather than a temptation.)

3. Clean apartment and do clothes washing

4. Go food shopping

5. Go for a long walk or a jog, depending on how I feel (all the drinking has given me some bad stomach problems in the past week).

 

I'm also going to try not to think too much about my relationship today, I've been so worked up about it I've been swinging wildly between finishing it and wanting desperately to see her. Good thing we haven't spoken much. Maybe I'll see her at the weekend or something.

 

Will keep you updated.

[GrayClouds]

"You will lose your relationship if you don't do this, because eventually she will see your really dark, down side. Good luck."

 

Truer words were never spoken. I didn't want to admit this to myself, but I think I am depressed again. It's like a fog that comes over your slowly, I didn't notice it at first but bit by bit this is the place and the situation I've ended up in.

 

I love the round fish-bowl analogy. It's spot on. I keep trying to think my way out of it when actually more thinking isn't really what I need. It's interfering badly with my relationship as it is. The lack of self-esteem, it seems, was just one of the symptoms of my sliding back into depression and not a cause.

 

I've spent the last two weeks putting 90% of that unhappiness right back into myself, with the rest leaks out and contaminates my relationship.

 

I have a repeat prescription for as many SSRI's etc as I want. I do not want to take these again, however, as they turn me into a bit of a zombie along with other unpleasant side effects.

 

I think I could commit to quitting all drink and tablets again though, and maybe a gentle half-hour jog each day. I think those, as well as making some important calls regarding my next job tomorrow, would be a good start. I'll probably see my gf in the next few days so I really need to pull myself together quickly for that reason too.

 

Congratulations you are thinking so much better, taking control. Depression is so hard because you do not know how deep you into it until your almost consumed.

 

It is temping to lay out a grand plan but it is a set up that often ends up reinforcing negative beliefs. Remember set achievable goals, so incremental progress leads to lasting success. Do a little ever day, and be proud of small successes.

 

Keep up the good work and keep posting.

[jenifer1972]

I am glad you are getting some insights.

 

My opinion is that if a particular antidepressant makes you feel like a zombie (and decreases your libido, I know that is what you meant) then it isn't the right one for your neurochemistry. You may need a different antidepressant, possibly something like Wellbutrin. But you have to try it to see if it is right for you. For a lot of people it is, and also enhances libido.

 

Some day we will be able to do PET scans or other tests and know exactly which one is right for each person, but till then it's a trial and error thing. I am glad though that you see it is not self esteem or personality issues, but neurochemistry.

[mickleb]

Good stuff, Hastings.

 

Did you get your list ticked off?

 

x

[MrSandman]

You are not coping but self medicating. The relationship you do notreally have is whatyou are using as a support network. YOu need therapy, maybe meds, and some purpose to your life.

 

The firsttwo you need to find but the third, try Covey's Seven Habits book and workbook. It will take haonest and painful soul searching. It does not end til your soul dies. This is what life is about. Solving and overcoming problems.

[Hastings123]

Hey Everyone,

 

Here's an update on the situation. The drinking is back under control. No pills. Had a productive week. However, the cleaning job yesterday was dreadful, it was my second day and after 8 hours of scrubbing toilets I called up the manager and said I couldn't do this. She seemed ok about it and now I'll see her later today. The thing was that I'm supposed to be a team manager.. but I just can't do this cleaning, maybe for a week max, but no way any longer. Just to put it into perspective: This is/was by far the worst job I have ever had, beating McDonald's by a large country mile.

 

My relationship finished last night. Decided together that we were better as friends than as a couple, however, knowing what I know about relationships and myself and moving on, I couldn't do that. I can't be just friends with someone like that, so I got rid of e-mails, pictures, texts, all that stuff last night. Cried a lot. More than I ever have before since I was a young kid. It felt good in a way, because I was never able to do that before, it used to just sit and fester inside me driving me slowly crazy. Hopefully not this time, however. Wish I could cry more often.

 

So I'm supposed to be moving into my new flat today.. what a great start. Don't know if I have a job. Relationship finished. It's all pretty f*cked up. Although, with the crying, I don't feel as bad as I would otherwise, I think. I'm preparing myself for a long time of feeling awful. But I don't know what's going to happen.

 

Help

[Hastings123]

bump......

[mickleb]

The first statement on your update is probably the most important: regarding the drinking. Well done. Continue to make this the priority.

 

You then have to decide whether you have enough money to look for and find a position you can stomach, or go home.

 

I am sorry to hear about your relationship. If it was simply a case of mis-timing, things could possibly be resurrected one day but not if you don't fix the issues that YOU face, alone. If not, she wasn't 'the one' but 'a one'.

 

Make a list of everything you still have that you value. Then one of everything you desire. Tick off the desires, one by one, as you achieve them but don't expect your wish list to appear overnight.

 

Life is not that easy for any one person I have ever encountered.

 

Well done, again, for what you have begun. It is excellent.

 

x

[jenifer1972]

Are you sure you want to be living in a foreign country far from home at a dark time like this?