Ex contacts me again, what do I do?

[wingman2]

I'm sorry to seem as if I can't come up with decisions myself. I just get very stumped when it comes to these situations. As some of you know just two days ago me and my ex were messaging eachother back and forth, I was asking her several questions regarding why she was interested in talking to me the week prior and we haven't spoken for over a day now but tonight she just messaged me asking what I'm doing. How do I respond? I'm not sure if she wants to talk or not, I'm not really up to it considering I'm not feeling all too well today. I also just feel like it's too soon to give in, I don't want to get into her friend zone but neither do I feel like I should just ignore her. I need some suggestions cause I'm kind of stumped.

[Gunny376]

You completely and entirely ignore her! She's "bitch-testing" you. People want what other people want. The person that cares the least? Is the person that controls the replationship.

 

She's playing silly mind games, wanting you to prove your love and devotion to her, that she can trust you, that she's got you wrapped around her little finger and can lead you around the nose! Forget that!

 

The time, effort, energy and money you would spend on getting this one back? Would net you ten others.

 

You want her back? Takle control of your life, yourself, your emotions. amd get out there and find yourself someone new that appreciates what youve got to offer and have to bring to the table!

 

A woman leaves you? All that means is that you've got to go out and find yourself someone new. If you've a steady job, making a good income, have a car? Your way ~ and I mean way ahead of the game!

 

Blow her off and forget about her! What one will abuse? Another can certainly use.

[wingman2]

I understand but I am willing to work something out with her. I'm not going to throw away my chances if she's willing to try and reconcile. I did put her off till today though. Haven't written her back yet and not sure when. I kind of know what to write her, just not sure when I should.

[northstar1]

Wing, I get that you want her back so badly, but think about what she's giving you here

 

Anything other than her showing up at your door, apologizing for her mistakes, telling you she was wrong and will do anything for a second try is really just lip service.

 

I just worry that she just wants to make sure you are still on the backburner while she figures out what she wants in her life. She wants to know you are there in case she gets lonely or doesn't want to find something new. If you are willing to be that guy who wants to jump through hoops for a girl who broke up with you, well that is your choice. I just don't want to see you go through weeks and months of pain and hope if she isn't truly serious about coming back to you.

[wingman2]

True I get your point. I just feel like if I ignore her completely that will decrease her chances of wanting to work something out. That's why I stuck to contacting but not right away and at the same time don't show desperation. But idk. She's always been indirect. A year ago she broke up with me but it was broken up 2 weeks, break another 2 weeks. She never came forward and confronted that she wanted back, she just simply asked if the break was working for me. I thought she was implying she didn't even want to talk anymore so I grew upset, didn't want to talk about it, and left then. She then called later and said, I guess ur just moving on from me are you? I came forward and asked if what she wanted was to get back together and she said yes. So what I'm trying to say is she's really indirect, she kind of expects me to know what she wants rather than tell me herself.

[CaliGuy]

Do what I do.

 

Ignore them!

 

There is nothing that you need from your ex other than to let go and move on. And you won't until you truly make a decision that you deserve better.

 

Cheers.

[northstar1]

Do you really want someone who cannot come and tell you they made a mistake? Doesn't that tell you she doesn't care that much about the relationship?

 

Listen to Caliguy here, he's been through it.

 

No one said it is easy to walk away and not look back. Esp when you still love someone. But the fear of letting go is making you also put your self respect and dignity on a plate for her.

 

You deserve someone who respects you. Who wants you in their lives 100%, not because they either don't have someone else, or they get lonely or bored for attention.

 

Move on man, move on.

[wingman2]

Yeah I guess u got a point considering that part of me doesn't want her back but another part of me has a hard time living without her and I at least want to make sure there's a possible chance in the future. She wrote me again asking if I want to talk for a bit. I know she only says that when she wants to talk about something specific or important. What should I do?

[DenverBachelor]

Yeah I guess u got a point considering that part of me doesn't want her back but another part of me has a hard time living without her and I at least want to make sure there's a possible chance in the future. She wrote me again asking if I want to talk for a bit. I know she only says that when she wants to talk about something specific or important. What should I do?

 

Nobody on this board knows your relationship with your ex better than you do. Nobody knows where you are in the healing stage or what is going through her mind.

 

CaliGuy's advice is a bit too black and white in my opinion. People can and have gotten back together successfully. It is a little strange seeing the advice he is giving lately coupled with the "You want a second chance?" FAQ that he wrote, but keep in mind a lot of people on here may be a lot more jaded from their past experiences with men and women than you (perhaps).

 

If you aren't 99% over the past then don't contact her. Nobody ever completely gets over a past experience. If we did, we wouldn't be human.

 

Ask yourself what you could gain and what you could lose by talking to her. If you do end up calling her (and call her on your own terms) then set an agenda and time limit for your conversation. Keep it short and sweet and let her give you information. Don't bring up the past unless she brings it up. You need to set clear boundaries for yourself.

 

If you speak to her, you need to say to yourself something to the effect of, "This is what I want to get out of the conversation -- I want to see if she is coming to me to reconcile and I'm giving the conversation ten minutes. After that, I have to go because the only games I play are on the X-box.

 

You need to be in control and decisive and be in charge. You are the man in this situation. She's the woman. Keep yourself sharp and don't talk to her while drinking or on any other drug. Keep a clear head and a clear agenda and if she doesn't meet your needs or agenda for the conversation, then you go back into NC with the knowledge that you gave her the chance.

 

Always remember that she is the one that has to go uphill to meet you. You already had to walk uphill when she broke up with you. Hopefully you learned a lot about yourself and about her and you'll approach this with the attitude that she ruined a good thing and not you. The fact that she is looking you up is possibly a realization on her part that she did lose a good thing.

 

But don't let her tread water with you. Either she comes on-board or you tell her that you are not her lifeboat.

Edited May 9, 2010 by DenverBachelor

[hopefulguy]

Hey wingman i know exactly what you're going through. My ex broke up with me almost a year ago. I still miss her, we were together for 5 years. It's much easier now. I'm sure you feel ok and you've healed, but the only things that are you are dealing with is the chance of reconcilliation in the future...and the fact that you just simply miss her. Am I right? I know the feeling of when she contacts you. Its like...you don't know whether or not to respond...because if you respond it seems like she still has you where she wants, AND she gets to speak to you as a friend..which is also what she wants. But if you don't respond...it seems like you are not over her when you ignore her, also it may seem bitter and maybe ruin the chances of getting back together. YEA its hard i know. But let me tell u this...the times that I have done LC and responded (even brief replys) ....i end up missing her more and then it hurts. So what happens is you end up missing her AND she ends up missing you less because she got what she needed from you. Right now I am NC. It's really up to you man...if you dont hurt and miss her alot after you communicate than go for it. When she contacts you she misses you...you were a part of her life for a long time and she will always want to hear from you at one point or another. Just dont let her do it when she wants. Do it when YOU want.

[NABDP]

You are getting some great advice here. It's totally up to you whether to break NC in which case it should be VERY LC (limited contact).

 

However you have to know in doing this you risk falling back in your recovery, and that's the more likely outcome than reconciliation.

 

However every girl, every breakup, every relationship is different. You knew this girl for a while and you know her better than any of us posting here. So you can read the note and decide for yourself, I think in your heart you know whether it is just a test to keep you on the line or a step back towards you in a real way.

 

I hate it when I see people who can 100% say DON'T WRITE BACK or DO WRITE BACK, and in most cases everyone says never write back, ever, but that's not always the answer either. I think it all depends on you and her, and I think if you sleep on it, or think on it for a while, you will know the right thing to do.

[wingman2]

Yeah it is really tough indeed and I'm really glad to hear that I'm not alone and that there have been are currently are others in my shoes. Not that I'm glad they're going through this pain but because they have the wisdom and knowledge to be supportive of others and can relate.

 

One reason NC scares me is because I feel like there's a time limit, like I have to do my best to get her back and get her interested before her feelings run out or she meets someone else. Also one of the reason's I remain interested in communicating with her is because she's given me a few signs that she may be wanting to give it another shot. One of my friend's thinks it's more than just a sign. Overall though I feel that she's just confused as to what she wants.

 

Considering she may be wanting another shot it's really hard for me to just ignore it because sometimes I feel as if ignoring her or showing little interest (which I have been doing) will only give her the impression that I want nothing to do with her so I stop trying. Whenever I respond back to her messages I always respond several hours later but mostly the next day and they're really short messages. When she contacted me the first time after NC she was really eager to see me and speak to me but I put it off for an entire week so we met when I scheduled it. However she didn't show me anymore interest for a week and a half after which is why I start asking her questions because I wanted to find out what her intention was for wanting to talk to me and know how I'm feeling and if I still care. If she wants nothing to do with me then why would it matter how I feel? Also take into consideration that she initiated contact telling me she misses me to death and has been thinking about me. That really caught my attention and brought my hopes up. It was only after I stopped asking those questions that she came forward again.

 

I was right she did want to talk this last weekend, we messaged eachother of course always responding much later but she had the intention to talk as I've known. She asked if I want to talk for a LITTLE bit. That always indicates it's about something important so that really drew my interest. I was in fact busy this weekend and couldn't talk to her but the last message I got from her was Sunday in which she asked how my day went. I replied that night and still haven't gotten anything back =(

 

Today I'm just a mess because she hasn't gotten back to me and I feel as I've set myself back.

[wingman2]

Yeah what I'm planning to do now is to just sleep on it. Let's see if she'll eventually get to me again. We never got to talk but I don't know how much she wants to anymore. I know, I know her better than anyone but at the same time, this was such a surprise I feel like I don't know her anymore.

 

I'm trying to use the push pull tactic. Trying to get her interested in talking with me and keep her coming back for more. It worked with the questioning but I don't know what's going to happen now. I just hope I'm doing the right thing by keeping it very LC and communicating on my terms, not showing too much interest but show enough that she'll come forward. I'm keeping a casual attitude with her too. I still get confused but hopefully I'm doing this right.

[wingman2]

Btw she just got back to me finally. She didn't indicate that she still wants to talk though. All she said was "sounds like you had a good day (sunday)"

I'm thinking of just not saying anything back. Just going back in NC and let her come around again. Besides I have nothing to respond back anyway.

[D-Lish]

One reason NC scares me is because I feel like there's a time limit, like I have to do my best to get her back and get her interested before her feelings run out or she meets someone else. Also one of the reason's I remain interested in communicating with her is because she's given me a few signs that she may be wanting to give it another shot

 

That's the mistake people make- they feel like they have to remain front and center to remind the person that they aren't going anywhere.

The opposite is true. People need to feel what it is like to miss you in order to know what they truly want.

[wingman2]

I agree. That's how she came around the first time, she missed me to death. I'm willing to go NC at least another 2 weeks. Although that fear is still there considering it's been 2 months since the breakup. However I just want to handle this the best way I can, if going into NC for a while again is my best chance than I'll do it.

 

It's a very weird situation though, cause although the feelings I did have for her aren't entirely there anymore, I still miss her, long for her, and want her back so bad. I guess it's just that part of me that's displeased with her for the fact she abandoned our love. I can say my heart is split in two but having her back and working things out to start a better relationship is what I want most.