meemee Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 So I'm out with bf/separated MM at a shop. He teases me that his Mom says "Hi" and gives us 6 months tops post his divorce before we're married. He says his sister also requests "No pink taffeta please." in regards to bridesmaid dresses. The sales clerk over hears this last part and says, "Aww... are you getting married?" At the same time he says, "Yes!" and I say, "No!" as we walked away from checkout, he asks, "No? No?? What the hell was that???" I've been divorced. Not much fun. I don't recommend it. Now that I've spent time on the other side, being pursued and wooed by a married man, I frankly don't see the point. The only thing that gives me pause is that there are children involved who could possibly take comfort in the ritual of seeing us make such a public commitment. I love this man, I want to grow old with this man. He's definately a keeper, but after the life I've lived, do I want to be "The Wife"?
secretlady76 Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 I agree, I certainly wouldn't rush into it...I sometimes think that the minute you get married something dies in the relationship!!! For me, the fact that I don't have them is part of the thrill. Once you're married and you have them all to yourself, the thrill bit has gone. That's just me, maybe I'm mental.....!!!
delirious Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 Yeah the only thing good about getting married is the wedding. Never again. Not becoming someone's property again ever.
Got it Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 Goodness! I have been on both sides of the fence and I would get married again. I never felt like someone's property, nor did I feel that the marriage change the relationship that much from what it was prior. But I don't have a driving need to do it again. What I have learned through everything is needing to focus on the daily connection with the other person. The quality and development of that union regardless of the paperwork. I have learned a lot of great lessons with my life experiences and a lot about myself.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 After years of being OW and cheater, I can say this: I know what NOT to do. Seriously, I am engaged now to someone who has very traditional views on marriage/monogamy and I welcome it wholly. I want to be with someone who wants to be with only me, and I am genuinely happy that I am with someone and find absolutely no 'itch' at all to be with anyone else. My relationships and even my marriage was not traditional. Monogamy was something I scoffed at, something that in my experiences really didn't exist (cheating grandfather, philandering parents, first sexual experience was at 15 as an OW, first MM at 16, and so on for decades, a husband who wanted an 'open' marriage, cheating boyfriend, etc.). I'm seeing now that there is a such thing as a man who values monogamy, and who puts a diamond on a woman's finger with an intent to keep his promises. Its late in the game to find it, but I'm glad I did. The only thing I will carry into this marriage is my experiences in the form of lessons that I've learned a great deal from. If anything, all my experiences have caused me to value traditional marriage, and avoid situations that involve cheating in any form.
bananalaffytaffy Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 LB- I couldn't have said it better. I wish you the best in your marriage. It's sad when someone becomes so jaded by bad experiences that they can't rise above it and see the joy in beautiful things such as marriage.
norajane Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 I love this man, I want to grow old with this man. He's definately a keeper, but after the life I've lived, do I want to be "The Wife"? He can cheat on you or mistreat you regardless of whether you are the wife or the long term girlfriend. You run the same risk either way. There is no less risk of him doing that if you're not married - it would just be easier for you to walk away.
NoIDidn't Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 He can cheat on you or mistreat you regardless of whether you are the wife or the long term girlfriend. You run the same risk either way. There is no less risk of him doing that if you're not married - it would just be easier for you to walk away. Exactly. I wouldn't get married again, not because of being "The Wife" (shows that one's issue with marriage has nothing really to do with the institution, but a trust issue with "The Husband", LOL), but because I don't want my children to deal with inheritance issues. But I can even bypass that with a prenup and a codicil to my Will following any subsequent marriage. But, NJ, admit, the ease of walking away is a tempting consideration.
norajane Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 But' date=' NJ, admit, the ease of walking away is a tempting consideration. [/quote'] No doubt! I'd rather not marry my mistakes!
fooled once Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 So I'm out with bf/separated MM at a shop. He teases me that his Mom says "Hi" and gives us 6 months tops post his divorce before we're married. He says his sister also requests "No pink taffeta please." in regards to bridesmaid dresses. The sales clerk over hears this last part and says, "Aww... are you getting married?" At the same time he says, "Yes!" and I say, "No!" as we walked away from checkout, he asks, "No? No?? What the hell was that???" I've been divorced. Not much fun. I don't recommend it. Now that I've spent time on the other side, being pursued and wooed by a married man, I frankly don't see the point. The only thing that gives me pause is that there are children involved who could possibly take comfort in the ritual of seeing us make such a public commitment. I love this man, I want to grow old with this man. He's definately a keeper, but after the life I've lived, do I want to be "The Wife"? So you just want to be the girlfriend? I don't get why you wouldn't want to be married if you think this is the last relationship you will have. Divorce happens, as you know. So does breaking up - even without a piece of paper. Doesn't make the hurt any less if you aren't married. I have been divorced, I have been in an affair and I have remarried. BEST THING I EVER DID I can't image being "The Girlfriend' forever or "the live in" (I wouldn't live with someone without being married).
Author meemee Posted May 10, 2010 Author Posted May 10, 2010 I feel silly at my age using the terms "boyfriend" and "girlfrend." All possible substitutes just sound pretentious. He and I have talked about it & I jokingly refer to him as my "manfriend." As far as marriage, I wonder if something does die when the big party fades away. I love our life together. I don't want a man to stay with me because he's legally obligated. I can understand wanting to invite friends and family together to celebrate a good thing. Love is beautiful and cause for celebration, but let's wake up together everyday and say, "I'm here because I choose to be here." I guess the compromise "manfriend" and I have struck, is that marriage certificate or no, we'll always be open to talking about anything. A noble idea which can hopefully work in practice, not just theory.
jennie-jennie Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 I don't want a man to stay with me because he's legally obligated. It is having seen this tendency that would make me very cautious to get married, especially with a former WS. A man who would honor his obligation to stay married after his love has transferred to someone else is not a man I would want to be married to. It is better then that he wakes up every morning and feels that he still wants to stay with me despite having no obligation to.
1Angel Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Six months post divorce isn't exactly a recipe for successful marriage especially given he cheated on his wife with you and the home of their children. Why are you trying to convince us how much he loves you and how much his extended family approves of you? Just wondering.
OWoman Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Why are you trying to convince us how much he loves you and how much his extended family approves of you? Possibly because... they do? Though I can't say I detected any "trying to convince", just the recounting of an incident. A bit of projection, perhaps, Angel? Anyway, meemee - I wouldn't have Md my H if we could simply have lived together, but it was necessary for visa purposes. So here I am. Has it made a difference? I hate to admit it, but I think it has. I think the unequivocal signal it sent - particularly to his xW - that he was serious about this R and was in it "for keeps" was something he felt he needed to do. He's a lot happier, a lot more secure having the whole world see that, and I think it's been a mindshift for me too. I've never been one for monogamy - I have strong political views on that - and I've also never wanted to be with someone, or have them with me, because of legal obligations rather than choice. Yet I know how often in my past I've shrugged off Rs that I felt were getting too deep / clingy / suffocating / whatever simply because my mood shifted and I wanted to run free through the cornflowers with the wind in my hair, unfettered and alive, dumping guys who were probably quite serviceable for a while yet, who were devastated and confused and scarred in the process. I've felt, a couple of times, the terrifying approach of comfort, and the prospect of smug domesticity sharpening its blade around the corner. How easy it would have been to flee! But knowing the enormity of the commitment he made to me, and me to him, I've managed to turn around and stare the ghoul in the face and watch it run screaming from my resolve, and that's felt good, too. M is a contract between three parties (the H, the W, and the State) and, as such, you can only customise it so far. But ultimately, the R you have - the R you choose - is up to you to decide. If it matters greatly to you - or to him - you need to discuss the options, and find something that you can both live with.
1Angel Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Super then. Go ahead, prove me wrong when this relationship implodes down the road.
Author meemee Posted May 11, 2010 Author Posted May 11, 2010 Ahhh....but that's just it Angel, so many relationships implode, whether you approve of their beginnings or not. "Manfriend" has often said to me, he loves that we will be that much more aware of never taking each other for granted because we know what it took to have a simple quiet day under a shared roof. And maybe that's the silver lining. Owoman, maybe a marriage of two adults who have taken the long way home can be a slightly different creature. Maybe the commitment is profound because you both know the importance of intimacy... physical, mental, spiritual, emotional intimacy without losing yourself in the process, because you (I) don't assume the other will just make do with less because of a contractual obligation.
mzdolphin Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 So I'm out with bf/separated MM at a shop. He teases me that his Mom says "Hi" and gives us 6 months tops post his divorce before we're married. He says his sister also requests "No pink taffeta please." in regards to bridesmaid dresses. The sales clerk over hears this last part and says, "Aww... are you getting married?" At the same time he says, "Yes!" and I say, "No!" as we walked away from checkout, he asks, "No? No?? What the hell was that???" I've been divorced. Not much fun. I don't recommend it. Now that I've spent time on the other side, being pursued and wooed by a married man, I frankly don't see the point. The only thing that gives me pause is that there are children involved who could possibly take comfort in the ritual of seeing us make such a public commitment. I love this man, I want to grow old with this man. He's definately a keeper, but after the life I've lived, do I want to be "The Wife"? I understand you. I was "The Wife" and my husband cheated. Turned out to be a sex addict. I kicked him out. A few years ago I got involved with an old lover only to find out he was still married (he lied) and then I was the OW. Even after I told his wife, he still calls and wants to see me. So I don't see the point in being married. I too want a partner in life, but I don't see the point for women. Single women live longer than married women. But married men live longer than single men. I see the point for men. They can sleep around and the wife will still do the laundry and run the household. After being on both sides, I don't see the point for women.
sadintexas Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 He can cheat on you or mistreat you regardless of whether you are the wife or the long term girlfriend. You run the same risk either way. There is no less risk of him doing that if you're not married - it would just be easier for you to walk away. That's the point...for me at least. It's all about being able to get out. I fought tooth and nail to get out of my marriage so I'm a bit gun shy there.
OpenBook Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 My past experience being an OW just reinforced my dim view of marriage. It's so easy (apparently) for so many MM's to make a mockery of their own marriages by cheating on their W's. They make marriage into some kind of sick joke. Although I'm sure they don't look at it that way. And those who've stayed married - well, I can only be thankful I'm single when I watch them interact with each other. The IDEA of marriage is beautiful. But that's the ONLY part of it that is. Reality is starkly different.
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