Girlfriend left me after 5 years, but says she hopes it will work out?

[HookahHookah]

Hello everyone, I am relatively new to these forums, so I appreciate any advice anyone is willing to give me. My girlfriend of 5 years just recently broke up with me. She says she wants some time to be free, but will not date other guys. She says she loves me but she can't be in a relationship right now, because she needs to develop friendships and a life of her own. She is also frustrated with me because I have not gone to college yet,so it seems she wants me to have more direction. We saw each other a week after that horrible day, and we walked and talked around a lake for 2 hours. She held my hand, hugged, even kissed a little. She also was talking about "our" future. Like what we should do later on in life, like taking a trip together maybe at the end of the summer. She said that day felt like a dream that night. She says she loves the new me, and to keep doing what I'm doing, and she hopes we can spend the rest of life together. She texts me randomly with small talk and I miss you's. I'm just so confused right now. She's practically doing everything a girl would do in a relationship except for saying we're together. She still needs time to think but she wants to see each other once a week. Its just weird because she says she dreams about me and everything. I'm so confused. I love her so much and I want her back so bad.

[Chrome Barracuda]

It's all lip service. she will date someone. that's why your on a break.

 

My advice is to move on.

[HookahHookah]

Shes not the type to lie or play games though.. You think if even if shes not lying it won't work?

Also she proimsed she wouldn't date.. I don't get it

[USMCHokie]

Shes not the type to lie or play games though.. You think if even if shes not lying it won't work?

Also she proimsed she wouldn't date.. I don't get it

 

 

That's what you think now...but once they leave, the person you knew and loved is essentially dead...you don't know her anymore...and she isn't purposely lying to you...she doesn't even know what she wants...but she does know that she doesn't want you anymore...

 

There is no "our future"...there is only YOUR future...going on a break = breakup = LAUNCH = move on...

 

Please take it from me and countless others here...we've all been through this...we've all heard that SAME EXACT STORY...we've all seen the bullsh*t unravel right in front of us...don't make that same mistake and think your ex is any different...

[HookahHookah]

Thank you for the advice.. Everything is so crazy right now.. Its just so weird how she talks to me, wants to visit once a week, and talks about traveling at the end of the summer... ugh..

[USMCHokie]

Thank you for the advice.. Everything is so crazy right now.. Its just so weird how she talks to me, wants to visit once a week, and talks about traveling at the end of the summer... ugh..

 

 

I beg you...please don't let her do this to you...if she doesn't want you as a boyfriend in her life, then she doesn't deserve you at all in her life...I know it's going to hurt and drive you absolutely crazy, but you've got to cut all contact from her...not to manipulate her in any way, but to allow you to stop experiencing all this "crazy" that you have to deal with from her...you won't be able to start healing and moving on until you stop contact with her...

 

And I'm glad you're making these positive changes in your life...but you know what, she DOES NOT deserve the new, better you...keep on improving yourself, not for her, but for you, and find someone who won't give up on you...because that's what your ex did...she gave up on you...you don't need someone like that in your life...

 

LAUNCH. Next, please...

[HookahHookah]

Thank you for your earnest advice. On a sidenote, I see you were in the usmc. How did that work out for you?

[USMCHokie]

Thank you for your earnest advice. On a sidenote, I see you were in the usmc. How did that work out for you?

 

 

Still in. Working out fine.

[HookahHookah]

Nice, I almost went in but decided not to a week before I was going to go to boot camp. Any advice on how to get out and do things? Any motivational tricks?

[USMCHokie]

Any advice on how to get out and do things? Any motivational tricks?

 

Friends. They will be your most important resource at this moment... Perhaps try a hobby or activity that you've never done before...something that you'd be interested in getting into...the novelty of a new activity is often just the catalyst you need to head in a new direction in your life...something to focus your attention, effort, and time on...something you want to get good at...

 

For example, if you don't regularly work out at the gym, now might be as good a time as any to start a serious training program...not only will it improve your fitness and health, but it will give your mind and body something to focus on...something to get good at...

 

If you're already working out, perhaps take up a new sport...I always suggest golf, because it's something that is always good to know how to do...and it's quite satisfying to progress in it and get good...and I golf a lot...

 

Think of it as a "rebound activity"...people get into rebound relationships all the time because it fills a void with something new...it's that newness feeling that people are so drawn to...so instead of a relationship, do that with your life...rebound with a new activity that can draw you in and fill that void left by your ex...rebound activities are infinitely more healthy than rebound relationships...and you might learn a thing or two...and maybe pick up new interests that you will keep the rest of your life...

[2yearsNC]

Shes not the type to lie or play games though.. You think if even if shes not lying it won't work?

Also she proimsed she wouldn't date.. I don't get it

 

 

That may have been true in the past but the fact of the matter is she no LONGER wants to be with you. In addition, she DOESN'T WANT YOU. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. SHE DOES NOT SEE you in her future. She DOES NOT want you. Please get this in your head.

 

Secondly, the thing about your EX wanting to see you once/week is because of this reason ONLY: You were in each other lives for 5 years, its going to be very hard to cut off that emotional connection. But she already made the first inession, now she's slowly killing you. Its going to be you see each other once a week, then once every two weeks, then once in a while and the process is going to take months, all the while, I guarantee you, she will be sucking another person's cock. I can grantee this.

 

And its perfectly acceptable because she TOLD YOU, she no longer wants to be with you aka she wants to have sex with other people.

 

She dotted her I's and crossed her T's. She's covered.

 

Either way, here what's going to happen.

1) No sex or LESS sex and then even less sex.

2) No sex, less sex and even less sex.

3) When you try to do stuff you use to do when together, there is going to be some kind of excuse for not doing it.

4) She will be fawking other people.

5) When you do find out she's fawking someone else, she's going to lie to you and claim its not serious and your going to believe her.

6) Your going to try and have sex with her but she won't let you because she's already getting fawking someone else.

 

 

When she falls in love, she won't come around as often.

When you tell her, its either him or ME, then

a) you've become a girly man

b) It will definitely NOT be you

 

My advice to you is to

a) change your phone number

b) Disappear

c) never contact her

 

In closing,

You've now become the BACKUP GUY.

You're now single but still in love with your ex (loser)

She is now stringing you along.

Your relationship is OVER. Thats not your girlfriend anymore.

 

And she promised she wouldn't date? Why would she promise that? It makes no sense, it means SHE'S already dating. Probably even sucking his cock. She has you as a backup incase things don't work out. Look the games already started being played. She's up one point, she's winning and your a loser. Soon you'll be a fool. Walk away now if you want any hope to get back together. She's already confusing you...

 

 

Don't believe me?

Try and have sex with her, I bet she's going to come up with a million and one excuses AND THEY ARE GOING TO BE GOOD ONES TOO.

 

I repeat, TRY and have sex with HER, it will NOT HAPPEN.

Then you'll know for sure she's seeing someone else.

 

and if thats not YOUR pussy, then she's giving it to someone else and lieing to you. Change your number and disappear.

Edited May 8, 2010 by 2yearsNC

[cp3_panda]

wow. 2yearsNC is so mind-shatteringly truthful it hurts D:<.

 

Seriously, listen to 2yearsNC. Me and my gf have broken up for a month now (NC for about a month) and although I am 95% emotionally detached from the relationship and her.. I still think about her sometimes.

 

Every time I read 2yearsNC's post.. it is akin to opening up an old wound probably because I saw almost everything 2yearsNC said in my own relationship. Less sex became No sex. And she was ****ing some other guy behind my back. All the while, she was an oscar worthy nominee with the fantastic acting she was playing for such a long time.

 

 

TBH, I still miss her and I dont think i will ever stop loving her as a person. But at some point, you just need to realize that it is over and you need to cut your losses. I realized that had I noticed all of these warning signs when it happened that I would have just split. If that had happened, my opportunity to get back with her would be 400 times the chance of it happening now.

 

Damn man, 2yearsNC, you really struck a string with me. Sometimes the truth really does hurt.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Even if there is not someone else in the picture, it is pretty clear that she has outgrown the relationship and all of this talk about your 'future' is equal parts nostalgia and her not wanting to hurt you any more than she has to.

 

The contact will dwindle as she continues to let go, and eventually not even nostalgia will keep her in contact.

 

This is your jumping off point. She won't be ready for you to go to complete NC and will probably fight it but it won't be for your sake. It will be for the 1-3% part of her that isn't quite ready to let go.

 

You have a couple of choices: go to NC and get your mourning process started, or postpone it by hanging on. Either way, you are headed for mourning. Which is it going to be...

 

Now, or later?

[HookahHookah]

UPDATE: I talked to her last night, and she said she promised she wouldn't be with other guys. She also promised that she really does love me and wants to be with me If she knows I am going to be successful. She promised that we would be together if I get my **** together. Should I take her word on this? It seems true to me. Anyone else have anything like that happen?

[HookahHookah]

Another quick update. She wants to go on a date this upcoming thursday.. And she really promised that she would be with me if I did everything I say I'm doing.

[USMCHokie]

Exes are like portapotties...they're full of sh*t...

[northstar1]

You are in a tought spot man, but I hope you also see that she is putting you on a very fine scale here. Which means that even if you get back, she's going to be watching every move you make and judging you. And the first thing you say or do wrong, or don't do, she's going to have an easy excuse to end it again.

 

My experience is that her interest in you dropped, enough so that she began to detach from you,but wasn't quite ready to fully move on. But once that interest level has dropped, and she doubts the relationship, it's nearly impossible to get it back. And how much time and slack is she going to cut you? Will it be on her timeline?

 

My advice is to take this breakup as a chance to better yourself. Don't be at her beck and call. Find a plan to make yourself feel better, and busy. enroll in school. Get your life on track.

 

And if down the road, maybe one day you reconnect and can start from scratch. Because right now I see she is going to want you to jump through hoops and the first time you don't, she's going to resort right back to her old feelings about the relationship. Trust me, it's what led to the end of my relationship.

[LucreziaBorgia]

UPDATE: I talked to her last night, and she said she promised she wouldn't be with other guys.

 

If you put an ex's promises in one hand, and get someone to take a dump in the other hand - only one of the handfuls is going to have any substance.

 

She also promised that she really does love me and wants to be with me If she knows I am going to be successful. She promised that we would be together if I get my **** together.

 

So, she will only be with you with certain financial conditions?

[2yearsNC]

she's lieing to you .

she's keeping you as a backup.

she won't be with you guy

 

Your going to be so hurt and destroyed when you found out she's dating other people if you don't already know... you probably already know

 

PS.. Remember what I posted?

The thing about excuses????

 

Excuse 1: "If you do what you say you are going to do then BLah blah"

thats a good one isn't it?

I like that one........

 

a) she made you think its YOUR FAULT.

b) She's manipulating you... Damn she's a pro, I'm taking notes

c) If that was true she would of not stayed for 5 years, clearly you must do what you say.

 

So now its "If you do what you say you will do, I will stay"

she's bidding time, don't want to CUT you out JUST YET...

Soon she will, just NOT YET, she still needs you right now for SOMETHING, but what Did i tell you?

 

NO SEX, why? She's giving the pussy to someone else, whom she wants to have a relationship with

 

your only enabling her by going on that date

 

 

 

HER:

"I still have him, he's still there, he doesn't know I'm cheating, I am going to keep him as a backup and hang out with him, just in case it doesn't work out, I need him right now, I can't just cut contact, I still have feelings for him but well he isn't going anywhere and I want to try this other guy out... Worst case I know he loves me so I'll just string him along and stay in contact while I go put my mouth on this other guy's cock... "

 

BTW, your now 2 points down.

Either way, good luck, your life, hope it works out for you.

Edited May 9, 2010 by 2yearsNC

[sphx26]

I agree with everyone's advice. Exes are full of BS, you're setting yourself up for another hurt, especially when you find out that she doesn't keep her word on the "not dating other people" thingy.

 

Trust me, her wanting to end the relationship is painful enough, do you really wanna stick around and see if she keeps her word on not dating someone else? I've gone through the same situation before, and it's not good, feels like being broken up with "twice". So if I were you, I'd cut your losses while it's still early.

[lullaby]

I'm kinda in the middle with this. I've dumped a guy before, my ex for almost 5 years and said the same thing "I need time, you're not moving forward as much as me and I don't feel we have the same goals as far as the relationship goes". And I meant it. I still loved him, although, must admit, there was someone whom I liked but nothing ever happened with that person, that only helped to realize that sth was occurring to me so I put the relationship in a halt.

Anyway, what I mean by this is that she could still love you, she probably does, I did in my case, but you have to give it time.

I don't think that the solution is just to throw all of our exes to a bag and call them ***t. Nobody is exactly the same and actions are what matter. Perhaps I'm to dreamy, I don't know, but I'll try to work things out with my ex and I'm happy about it.

You are probably still shattered by all that happened with her, so anything she says will have an impact on you, and she knows that. It is true that she may be retaining you so as to think and see how she feels in case she decides to come back, and maybe she realizes she doesn't because you played your game too easy and gave her no challenge to win you back.

You should focus on you, go out, have fun, and if she calls, give a polite answer and tell her that you need to be on your own a bit and that you will contact her if you need to. And without her contacting you, you'll be able to think and see things clearly. At least, that worked for me and when I saw my ex bf again after one month, I felt stronger and although he said a couple of nice things, I took them for what they were and only time will tell, but, again, we're all different.

 

Wish you the best!

 

ps: read my thread and you'll see what I'm talking about!

[wingman2]

I wouldn't worry much. You're in good hands. I say this because I was in ur exact same situation a year ago. Don't get meddled up in a lot of advice u receive. Most people say move on but ur situation ain't all that bad. A year ago my ex gf broke up with me but then just like ur ex she still said she loved me and dreamt of me. Hell one night she was at my apartment and we were talking up at the pool just sitting down looking at the view. Then I pushed her in the pool with all her clothes on, and then she grabbed my leg and dragged me in, we both made out and almost stayed there for the night lol. Well anyway though about two weeks later she tells me she just wants to be on a break until she's figured out where to go for college and then when that was settled she'd come back. Well she came back sooner, just two more weeks after that and we stayed together for 10 more months until last march when she OFFICIALLY broke up with me which is why she's my ex again.

 

What I'm pretty much saying is ur not officially broken up and by what I've read, sounds like she still loves u very much. Ur on a break, which means do not apply NC. NC works only in official break ups. Not saying u won't be able to get her back if u do but it might take longer as it will change the situation from break to officially broken up. What's reasonable to do right now is apply LC (Limited contact) and remember to refrain from acting like ur still her bf, which means u can still have fun but don't talk to her like ur her bf, don't try to make out or have sex with her. She might initiate these things with u and from my experience it was fine if I followed along but never initiate it urself. You're in a good situation. My ex broke up with me cause she wanted to date other guys so ur in a better spot than I was. As for ur fate after u reconcile, I hope it won't end up like mine. It isn't until ur ex says "I don't want to be with you and I'm not going to be with you and neither do I want to talk to u anymore" that your in deep ****. It's weird cause I never did anything wrong, she did it out of the blue. Which is another thing, never have TOO much trust in women. No offense to any ladies here, I'm sure guy's are just as untrustworthy.

[wingman2]

Btw also remember I'm gving u advice based on my experience. Everyone's experience is different and only u know her better than anyone else. I hope my advice can still come in handy. Don't get ur hopes up too high but just know there is hope.

[HookahHookah]

Thank you so much for the encouragement guys. I really appreciate it. I know not to trust her fully though, since theres no way I can know for sure anyways. She said she'd call me later tonight but no I miss you's or anything like that. I'm so nervous, I feel like every minute takes hours. I guess we'll see. I'll update later on. Again, thank you so much.. I'm dieing over here and anything helps.

[wingman2]

Lullaby, I hope this doesn't sound like I'm intruding on your private life but what happened after u had left ur old bf, the one u were with for 5 years? Did he try to contact u or did he not care? Did u try and give him a chance to take u back? I'm asking this cause the reason's u left him are somewhat similar to why my ex left. Well she didn't mention needing time, neither did she say I'm not going forward in life, she just said she believes our love had to be a certain way and she strived to fulfill it but she can't and she said I've been too dependent and needy of her. I was going through a tough time in other areas of my life so I got a little insecure but that happens with a lot of people and it's fixable. However it almost sounds similar to leaving me because both me and her have different goals as far as a relationship goes. I hope that isn't the case. I feel like I won't get her back if it is.

 

Mind if I ask how he wasn't moving forward or how his goals were different? Hope u don't mind. It's just last night I came to realize I'm no where near over my ex =( I cried for the first time in a while last night over her. I've had other relationships before her, my second longest was a year and a half, but all those other girls didn't mean much to me. In fact I don't fall in love very easy, it takes a lot to get me to fall in love but my recent ex knew how to handle my heart. I just miss her so much. I hope that if me and her aren't meant to be I hope it's because she's chosen to live a different life, not because of me or cause I failed our relationship. But anyway, sorry again if I'm invading.