Miss-understood Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 "It is hard to wait around for something that you know may never happen;but it's even harder to let go when it's everything you want" -unknown this quote sums up my situation, and as i was reading a lot of others. he was a good platonic friend for 3 years - looking back, were we in the grey area of an emotional affair - i think so. we have became intimate about 4 months ago, and I have accompained him on several work trips. other than that, we see each other about every day - for an hour here, three hours there. on our last trip, he admitted to falling in love with me. he didn't see this coming. initally, we were just having fun, then feelings came into play. him - married 15 yrs - 40 yrs old - 3 kids - ages 2,3,7. i am the 2nd sexual partner he has been with. lost his virginity on wedding day (26yrs old). Loves wife like a daughter - no sexual bond - wife is 7th day Adventist - and very sexually repressed. his parents divorce was very traumatic - and he will not put his kids through that. He is falling in love with me, and did not expect that. I feel he is the love of my life. I understand and accept his baggage. I wouldn't want him to leave for me. Change is scary for him, but I feel if more time and feelings develop on his part - he would take action. I really believe this - am I crazy? I have seen his love and actions develop. Divorcing needs to be his choice. i'm stuck. how long do i wait? i feel he is the love of my life. I try and date(he no longer wishes to hear about that) but it never goes anywhere b/c i am in love with him - so i don't see the point. but at the same time, i am scared of risking my vitality. I am 30, professional, attractive. The million dollar question: How do you know when to let go?
RedDevil66 Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 You let go now! These relationships rarely work out and if they do, they take years and A LOT OF heartache Also, everyone has "baggage", if you feel the need to be with a married man, you carry a ton of emotional baggage. You're going on a long and painful road here
bittersweet memories Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 "It is hard to wait around for something that you know may never happen;but it's even harder to let go when it's everything you want" -unknown this quote sums up my situation, and as i was reading a lot of others. he was a good platonic friend for 3 years - looking back, were we in the grey area of an emotional affair - i think so. we have became intimate about 4 months ago, and I have accompained him on several work trips. other than that, we see each other about every day - for an hour here, three hours there. on our last trip, he admitted to falling in love with me. he didn't see this coming. initally, we were just having fun, then feelings came into play. him - married 15 yrs - 40 yrs old - 3 kids - ages 2,3,7. i am the 2nd sexual partner he has been with. lost his virginity on wedding day (26yrs old). Loves wife like a daughter - no sexual bond - wife is 7th day Adventist - and very sexually repressed. his parents divorce was very traumatic - and he will not put his kids through that. He is falling in love with me, and did not expect that. I feel he is the love of my life. I understand and accept his baggage. I wouldn't want him to leave for me. Change is scary for him, but I feel if more time and feelings develop on his part - he would take action. I really believe this - am I crazy? I have seen his love and actions develop. Divorcing needs to be his choice. i'm stuck. how long do i wait? i feel he is the love of my life. I try and date(he no longer wishes to hear about that) but it never goes anywhere b/c i am in love with him - so i don't see the point. but at the same time, i am scared of risking my vitality. I am 30, professional, attractive. The million dollar question: How do you know when to let go? Are you married? any children?
Feelin Frisky Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 "It is hard to wait around for something that you know may never happen;but it's even harder to let go when it's everything you want" -unknown this quote sums up my situation, and as i was reading a lot of others. he was a good platonic friend for 3 years - looking back, were we in the grey area of an emotional affair - i think so. we have became intimate about 4 months ago, and I have accompained him on several work trips. other than that, we see each other about every day - for an hour here, three hours there. on our last trip, he admitted to falling in love with me. he didn't see this coming. initally, we were just having fun, then feelings came into play. him - married 15 yrs - 40 yrs old - 3 kids - ages 2,3,7. i am the 2nd sexual partner he has been with. lost his virginity on wedding day (26yrs old). Loves wife like a daughter - no sexual bond - wife is 7th day Adventist - and very sexually repressed. his parents divorce was very traumatic - and he will not put his kids through that. He is falling in love with me, and did not expect that. I feel he is the love of my life. I understand and accept his baggage. I wouldn't want him to leave for me. Change is scary for him, but I feel if more time and feelings develop on his part - he would take action. I really believe this - am I crazy? I have seen his love and actions develop. Divorcing needs to be his choice. i'm stuck. how long do i wait? i feel he is the love of my life. I try and date(he no longer wishes to hear about that) but it never goes anywhere b/c i am in love with him - so i don't see the point. but at the same time, i am scared of risking my vitality. I am 30, professional, attractive. The million dollar question: How do you know when to let go? You're 30, professional and attractive--magnifique! But you're in love with an *******. Play the field honey and cut the chord. It's time for you to be number one. You'll be bitter if this is still bugging you at 40.
jthorne Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 You let go when you get tired of being second fiddle, when you get tired in participating in the betrayal of another, when you get tired of the emotional rollercoaster. I could go on and on.
aerogurl87 Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 You're 30, professional and attractive--magnifique! But you're in love with an *******. Play the field honey and cut the chord. It's time for you to be number one. You'll be bitter if this is still bugging you at 40. I couldn't have said it better. This man isn't gonna leave his family and he even told you that. So what is there to hold on? Being second best, sloppy seconds? I'm sorry but I could never be second in a relationship to anyone, get that attitude and you'll be able to find someone who can love you completely. Because as time goes on and your left on the outside looking in on him growing a family, living the life you want without you actually being an active part in it, your gonna kick yourself and wish you had ended things earlier, and I mean like right now.
bittersweet memories Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 I couldn't have said it better. This man isn't gonna leave his family and he even told you that. So what is there to hold on? Being second best, sloppy seconds? I'm sorry but I could never be second in a relationship to anyone, get that attitude and you'll be able to find someone who can love you completely. Because as time goes on and your left on the outside looking in on him growing a family, living the life you want without you actually being an active part in it, your gonna kick yourself and wish you had ended things earlier, and I mean like right now. Bravo...excellent post.;)
jthorne Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 The longer it goes, the more comfortable he will get with the status quo, and the less likely he will be to leave. I was in your shoes once. Only difference was he told me all kinds of crap about how unhappy he was in his marriage but felt so trapped. I waited a long time for nothing. Wasted most of my childbearing years. Don't be me.
Author Miss-understood Posted May 8, 2010 Author Posted May 8, 2010 I am single. No kids. and everything I read (thanks to all for the insight) is so right on. probably the reason why i wanted to post. i think i do have emotional baggage. no daddy issues, but more related on having trouble getting close. probably explains why, i feel for him - we were very close friends for 3 years - i was comfortable. never been, or thought i would be the OW. now it's my choice if i am going to remain the "OW" i am fortunate in that i have a full work life, friends, healthy lifestyle ext'c - where i can occupy my time. it sucks b.c he is the one guy that i will drop everything for on short notice. this will be harder than quitting smoking. i am just realizing this - thank god it's in the early stages - i love myself not to waste the rest of my young adulthood. my problem lies in being able to cut ties.....the hard part
fooled once Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 "It is hard to wait around for something that you know may never happen;but it's even harder to let go when it's everything you want" -unknown this quote sums up my situation, and as i was reading a lot of others. he was a good platonic friend for 3 years - looking back, were we in the grey area of an emotional affair - i think so. we have became intimate about 4 months ago, and I have accompained him on several work trips. other than that, we see each other about every day - for an hour here, three hours there. on our last trip, he admitted to falling in love with me. he didn't see this coming. initally, we were just having fun, then feelings came into play. him - married 15 yrs - 40 yrs old - 3 kids - ages 2,3,7. i am the 2nd sexual partner he has been with. lost his virginity on wedding day (26yrs old). Loves wife like a daughter - no sexual bond - wife is 7th day Adventist - and very sexually repressed. his parents divorce was very traumatic - and he will not put his kids through that. He is falling in love with me, and did not expect that. I feel he is the love of my life. I understand and accept his baggage. I wouldn't want him to leave for me. Change is scary for him, but I feel if more time and feelings develop on his part - he would take action. I really believe this - am I crazy? I have seen his love and actions develop. Divorcing needs to be his choice. i'm stuck. how long do i wait? i feel he is the love of my life. I try and date(he no longer wishes to hear about that) but it never goes anywhere b/c i am in love with him - so i don't see the point. but at the same time, i am scared of risking my vitality. I am 30, professional, attractive. The million dollar question: How do you know when to let go? Well, since most people don't have sex with their daughter, and he has 3 children...I would guess that he lied to you about that. He told you he isn't going to divorce. why do you doubt that? because you are all that and a bag of chips? He told you - believe him - he isn't divorcing. He goes home every night to his wife. His wife who he discusses the kids with, plans their next vacation with, does dishes with, sits on the couch to watch their favorite show, go up to bed together, sleep together, kiss goodbye/hello each day. Of course he is going to make his home life less than appealing to you -- he needs you to believe that so that you feel the need to 'save' him/comfort him. You wouldn't be sleeping with him if he told you how great his wife is in bed, would you? How long do you wait? That's a personal decision. His youngest is 2 - so that means 16 more years until the child is 18. that's a long time to wait .... although he told you he isn't going to divorce. So during the summer, when they are off on vacation..you will be home alone. During the holidays, when they are decorating the house for Christmas, or setting the table for Thanksgiving.... you will be home alone. If something were to happen to him, you wouldn't find out. His wife will be by his side, comforting him, making decisions for them. They are a family. You are his girl on the side. Are you crazy to think that if you hang around and wait long enough he will eventually change his mind and divorce? yes. The million dollar question -- How do you know when to let go? When you decide you want more for yourself. When you decide you want your OWN man, not someone committed to someone else. When you decide you don't want sloppy seconds. When you decide to find self respect. When you decide you won't be anyone's secret.
GreenEyedLady Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 Wow, pretty harsh responses so far. OP: The situation you find yourself in is difficult. You make it easy on him since he sees you daily and you fulfill a need he has. I don't see him breaking status quo-why should he? It is your needs that will go unfulfilled. Especially during vacation time and holidays. I really don't see why you have to accept being the OW. What is it that you want?
Author Miss-understood Posted May 8, 2010 Author Posted May 8, 2010 Fooled once, I know you speak the truth. I think of all these things. I do believe him about his sex life, long ago he was friends with my then boyfriend, would discuss, and we spoke of it back in the day. That is neither here nor there. A close family member on his wife's side and their family will be living with them this Summer. This will not be a good situation. This family member has drug issues, and stole over $11K from them. Honestly, I was thinking perhaps by the end of this Summer things would be diffrent. Yes, he told me in the beginning he would not leave. We were not yet intimate at that time. just kissed and layed down next to each other. not that that matters. you're right - he did say that. i guess i hoped things would change now that he's falling in love. i know he feels very conflicted, and i know with his new house guests, that may open things up. but do i really want to wait the whole summer? not really. i just need for this to gel. i want to submit a NC post. letting go is a bitch. but i suppose it's not worse than living a lie. but at the end of the day, it's easier said than done. i do appreciate all the encouragement.
RedDevil66 Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 I don't see any harsh replies here at all. Truth is not harsh by the way, denial and deception are harsh, FYI!
RedDevil66 Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 Miss: It is very painful to walk away from someone you care about. But this pain is much easier to deal with now that down the road when the feelings are even deeper.
GreenEyedLady Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 I don't see any harsh replies here at all. Truth is not harsh by the way, denial and deception are harsh, FYI! Yeah, ok! This is the OW forum and technically there should be a certain percentage of fairly sympathetic posts. If you want denial and deception, go visit the infidelity forum. GEL
RedDevil66 Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 Yeah, ok! This is the OW forum and technically there should be a certain percentage of fairly sympathetic posts. If you want denial and deception, go visit the infidelity forum. GEL According to you, maybe! I don't think the OP is asking for sympathy really, just good old common sense answers.
jthorne Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 My xMM loved me too. Said I was the love of his life. In the end, the love of his life couldn't compete with his lifestyle, his family, his friends, her friends, her family, their son, their mortgage, their life experiences, etc etc etc... I now have a beautiful, sweet, kind, gorgeous, smart, ambitious SINGLE guy. We're moving in together in July. There's definitely life after the MM!
aerogurl87 Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 Well Miss-Understood all I have to say is no matter what he says, whether it be true or not, your not the one he's coming home to every night, his wife is. And until that dynamic changes, whatever he says is nothing but pure BS to string you along.
bittersweet memories Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 Yeah, ok! This is the OW forum and technically there should be a certain percentage of fairly sympathetic posts. If you want denial and deception, go visit the infidelity forum. GEL Huh?? Harsh responses? I think you should go back an re-read.
mourningMM Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 You are where you are for a reason; so is he. You will continue to be with him until he cannot satisfy what you want. He will continue with you as long as he gets from you something missing in his other relationship. But realistic perspective holds one fact in front of all others. While you fill the gaps in his relationship, he will never repair it and make it whole. While he shares his heart with you, there will be a damage in how he interacts with his wife. If he had no children, this would be a very different post. But he does have children. The way he behaves to their mother TEACHES THEM how married people behave. Although you may not be in the room, the ghost of your relationship leaves a shadow over these kid. Understand that I feel for you, and what you want out of life. But also understand that there is something I BELIEVE. When a person has children, the best interest of those children has to be number one priority. We die, they live in a normal world. And if they live carrying our mistakes into another generation shame on us. You and he will be together and find what you can with each other...but it is at the expense of healthy relationships. What you have with him isn't healthy. What he has with his wife isn't healthy. What she has with him is even more unhealthy, because she probably doesn't even KNOW that there is a problem. She can't fix a problem is it is hidden. Their children will learn dysfunction as a normal part of life, and always struggle to find healthy relationships. Stay with him for as long as you can look at yourself in the mirror with good conscience. One day you will wake up wanting more. On that day if he loves you and respects you, he will agree you deserve more. And the two of you will make the decisions that need to be made. Good luck and God bless. May you learn, may he learn, and may neither of you cause harm to others.
Author Miss-understood Posted May 8, 2010 Author Posted May 8, 2010 mourningMM - My fear is that one day karma will come back. He asked me recently "what would life be like" I have told him that I would always respect the bond he has with W, and not interfere, be jealous. I meant that. But that's neither here nor there. I am playing emotional Russian Roulette. I wish I was ignorant to this fact. I am not - makes it so much worse. I feel like such a contradiction to everything I say. As I type these responses, I know I will see him tomorrow morning. Wtf? Again, this is new, and I am slowly starting to grasp this situation. I would not have joined this site, and posted, taking everyone's time to read / respond - if I wasn't beginning to accept things. I do know, the longer I wait, the harder it will be. I do know this. But still.....here I am about to straighten my house up, set my alarm, and look forward to cuddling up with him a talking about nothing. Ugh.
jthorne Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 She already wants more. And he's already told her he's not leaving. Why should she continue to waste her time?
BB07 Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 You let go now! These relationships rarely work out and if they do, they take years and A LOT OF heartache Also, everyone has "baggage", if you feel the need to be with a married man, you carry a ton of emotional baggage. You're going on a long and painful road here I'm one of the rare ones that's with my former MM and everything RD says is the truth, well at least for me it has been. It took years.....it took me walking away from it and him. It took him over 3 years to leave the marriage and there were NO children and it wasn't a long marriage by any means. Our affair was an EA not an PA, which didn't make a great deal of difference in terms of the emotional investment. It lasted 1 1/2 years. Heartache.....I can't begin to tell you, how painful it was then and there are still times when it's not all resolved in my mind and things about it still sting. He left the marriage almost 2 1/2 years ago yet he is still not able to reach an amiable financial agreement with her, and there was NO Dday during the marriage. She did find out about us seeing each other after their separation but if you think that went smoothly it did NOT. Because of his work situation, he lives 2 1/2 hours away from me and because of my family obligations we are lucky if we get to see each other once a week. Nothing about any of it has been easy. As for the future......I do love this man and he does love me, but we both have a lot of baggage, so ask me in five years and I hope to say we've finally reached a place that it comfortable for both of us and we are both happy and content, but the thing is......I don't know and there is a lot of uncertainty because of the circumstances and history. No relationship should start under these kind of conditions.
White Flower Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 (edited) Dear Miss U, you sound so like me a few years back. Only difference is, I have three beautiful children. Your clock is ticking, and if you're with a MM who is the love of your life, how ever will you get children of your own? Who will take you to brunch on Mother's Day and take care of you when you're old? You really need to think about this if you haven't decided against having children already. Other than that, do what feels right. I went through the rollercoaster, then decided to redefine my R with MM. It was great for about 4 years. In the last year I wanted and pushed for more and now we're broken up. If this happens to you at the age of 35, will you be ok with it? Edited May 8, 2010 by White Flower
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