califnan Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 There are many reasons that I feel that I should not tell: -It's not my place to tell, im only their child -my mom seems remorseful and she said she stopped -what if I cause my dad to have another stroke or health issues? -she said she stopped -what if my dad ends up resenting me for telling considering that 1) he loves my mom a lot and he does a lot to protect her, he's the best dad ever but i wouldn't be surprised if he loves her more than me 2)my mom says she's stopped -i do not want to play a hand in destroying our family, my brother will be crushed if he found out again, my younger sister might have issues (she's in her late teens). My parents do a lot of good in the community, i don't want to jeopardize that -it's really not my place, my mother is responsible for this, I can only offer advice, she seems remorseful and she's stopped -again, i'm just a child in this -my dad was suspicious and he confronted my mom about this in the beginning but I guess he decided to believe my mom . ---------------------- Perfect reasons.. And most importantly, I think that last sentence says it all, Jane. He was suspicious and confronted her - she lied, he believed her - Should be the end of story ..
White Flower Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 There are many reasons that I feel that I should not tell: -It's not my place to tell, im only their child -my mom seems remorseful and she said she stopped -what if I cause my dad to have another stroke or health issues? -she said she stopped -what if my dad ends up resenting me for telling considering that 1) he loves my mom a lot and he does a lot to protect her, he's the best dad ever but i wouldn't be surprised if he loves her more than me 2)my mom says she's stopped -i do not want to play a hand in destroying our family, my brother will be crushed if he found out again, my younger sister might have issues (she's in her late teens). My parents do a lot of good in the community, i don't want to jeopardize that -it's really not my place, my mother is responsible for this, I can only offer advice, she seems remorseful and she's stopped -again, i'm just a child in this -my dad was suspicious and he confronted my mom about this in the beginning but I guess he decided to believe my mom . You have all you need babe. You don't need to convince anybody. This is YOUR story.
JustJoe Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Jane, it's your Mom who would cause the "stroke", if it happened, not you. If you feel that she's at last telling the truth, then you should do what you feel is right. But in my experience, this isn't the end of this situation, and won't be until all parties are in the loop, including your Dad. And you never answered, what will you do if he, and your brother and sister find out and learns that you knew and never told them?.......... Think very carefully . You can NEVER untell a lie.
califnan Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Joe, Jane has said that in the beginning the father confronted the mother. Whatever she told him about it, he chose to believe her.. So how is Jane responsible to tell him. Also, it is not as if Jane has known about it for years - her mother just told her recently .. The father (early on) chose to believe the mother.
JustJoe Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Cal, do you think that just because a person chooses to believe a lie, that the lie doesn't count?
califnan Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Cal, do you think that just because a person chooses to believe a lie, that the lie doesn't count? ------------------- He Suspected ... and Even Early On ... mind you.. The ball is Out of Jane's court. The father wants to believe Mama ... May they all live happily ever after ... :bunny:
White Flower Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 (edited) Changed my mind. Edited May 14, 2010 by White Flower sorry
JustJoe Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 I would like to tell you, Jane, that I truly am sorry for the pain that this is causing you, and want you to know that even though , sometimes, I come across a little too direct, I'm really trying to help. I know what's happening in you life, and will be available to talk , any time you would like.:)
jnj express Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Hey Jane-Mary----You say your mom is remorseful, and accepts responsibility. How is that possible, the only person the remorse counts with is your father, and she ain't telling him---so who is she showing remorse to. Same with responsibility. I understand you don't wanna be in the mix. But you are. At least be your fathers advocate, and MAKE SURE your mother is finished with her A. Your mother lied to you 9 yrs ago about quitting---why would you believe her now. Cuz she says she quit. She is a known liar, and cheat. Affairs conducted over a 10 year period don't just stop. Do you know for sure that she has gone NC. I don't know where you go with this, but I know cuz of your mother you have problems, and trust issues, and I imagine they, for you, will carry over into any relationship you have. Your mother is not only cheating on your dad, she has, as is almost always the case, messed up your life also. Good luck in whatever you do.
califnan Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Cal, do you think that just because a person chooses to believe a lie, that the lie doesn't count? --------------------- The lie belonged to the mother, not Jane..
Samantha0905 Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 There are many reasons that I feel that I should not tell: -It's not my place to tell, im only their child -my mom seems remorseful and she said she stopped -what if I cause my dad to have another stroke or health issues? -she said she stopped -what if my dad ends up resenting me for telling considering that 1) he loves my mom a lot and he does a lot to protect her, he's the best dad ever but i wouldn't be surprised if he loves her more than me 2)my mom says she's stopped -i do not want to play a hand in destroying our family, my brother will be crushed if he found out again, my younger sister might have issues (she's in her late teens). My parents do a lot of good in the community, i don't want to jeopardize that -it's really not my place, my mother is responsible for this, I can only offer advice, she seems remorseful and she's stopped -again, i'm just a child in this -my dad was suspicious and he confronted my mom about this in the beginning but I guess he decided to believe my mom . Excellent reasons. Your mother may feel very remorseful and your family may very well remain intact. I don't believe the "living a lie" mode of thinking. If she's remorseful, doesn't do it again and they continue on together happy until death do them part -- it sounds like a good thing to me.
jnj express Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Hey samantha---Tell me who is she being remorseful too----You can only show remorse to the partner you cheated on, WHEN that partner knows he/she was betrayed----OTHERWISE HOW IS THERE ANY REMORSE???????
rewe4reel Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Your first post states you've known about the affair since you were 16, and so has your brother. Apparently about ten years ago. Your father also suspected. Your mom lied to the entire family about this. But now you've found out she never gave up the affair. Wow. I don't know what to do about telling your dad, but you really want to hope and pray that whatever character flaw your mom has is not an inheritable genetic characteristic.
Samantha0905 Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 Hey samantha---Tell me who is she being remorseful too----You can only show remorse to the partner you cheated on, WHEN that partner knows he/she was betrayed----OTHERWISE HOW IS THERE ANY REMORSE??????? Hey jnj -- I don't agree. How would you know whether or not someone you don't know from Adam has remorse or not? She may have a lot of remorse. In any event, some people feel telling is the only way to handle infidelity. I don't agree. I definitely don't think Jane needs to tell her father, but I've expressed that enough already.
karnak Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 I think we've all written enough, already. Jane has read enough advises. To write anything more is probaby just adding more to the mess. If she's really over 25, she's an adult now, and old enough to accept the consequences of her actions... wether she decides to tell or to hide the truth. Your move now, Jane.
califnan Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 I think we've all written enough, already. Jane has read enough advises. To write anything more is probaby just adding more to the mess. If she's really over 25, she's an adult now, and old enough to accept the consequences of her actions... wether she decides to tell or to hide the truth. Your move now, Jane. ---------------------- Tony, Did you change your name?
karnak Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 ---------------------- Tony, Did you change your name? hmm?? Sorry, don't understand.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 I know precisely what you're talking about. My father is considered by many to be a wonderful human being. I also know that he has helped many, many people throughout his entire life. Intersting enough, he was always an ******* towards me and my mother. He was seldom a good father for me. And he was always a lousy husband. He abused and made my mother miserable for many years. Yet, to almost everyone else, he was a wonderful man, almost like a saint. Tuth is, Jane-Mary, that he is a very selfish individual. And has severe emotional issues as well. And me and my mother both reached the conclusion that he does all those wonderful, generous and kind actions as a way to get social validation. A sort of "repetence" for all the wreck he causes in his own home. He is a very selfish man, really. And so "empty" inside that he makes miserable those who love him the most. While at the same time trying to get the admiration of those he comes across. Weird, huh? But a case many pshycologists know all to well... He acts almost like a sinner giving money to the church in order to save his soul from the fires of Hell I'd say... Yet, I think Jesus is right when he said that "charity begins at Home". Doing good to other is worth "jack ****", when we don't do it those that are closer to us. I'm not saying my situation is similar to yours, Jane-M... just venting here. I didn't know that we had the same father karnak! Yes Jane-Mary, many of these people will do "wonderful things" so that they give themselves a ticket for their behaviour. The real acid test of who we are as people is how we treat our family.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 There are many reasons that I feel that I should not tell: -It's not my place to tell, im only their child -my mom seems remorseful and she said she stopped -what if I cause my dad to have another stroke or health issues? -she said she stopped -what if my dad ends up resenting me for telling considering that 1) he loves my mom a lot and he does a lot to protect her, he's the best dad ever but i wouldn't be surprised if he loves her more than me 2)my mom says she's stopped -i do not want to play a hand in destroying our family, my brother will be crushed if he found out again, my younger sister might have issues (she's in her late teens). My parents do a lot of good in the community, i don't want to jeopardize that -it's really not my place, my mother is responsible for this, I can only offer advice, she seems remorseful and she's stopped -again, i'm just a child in this -my dad was suspicious and he confronted my mom about this in the beginning but I guess he decided to believe my mom . My father cheated on my mother and I am the one that discovered it. The night I discovered it i had decided not to tell my mother. I felt she deserved to know what a scumbag he was to her BUT she had already yelled and screamed at me about how much she did not believe the rumors and that I had no business believing them either because my father "would never do that." I told her that just because he was my father did not mean that I would just automatically believe that. I also knew that he was a major ass to our family and was a very secretively selfish person who would do whatever he wanted. My mother foudn out later in the night anyways when she caught him in a lie. I was glad that I didn't keep the secret for very long. I would have liked to have told, but she would have been so ridiculous about it that I knew all it would do was cause her rage at me and pity for my father, whose daughter did not believe in his great character. My mother asked me why I didn't tell her that I had caught him. I told her straight up "you would never have believed me over him." She agreed. I know that I would not have been able to keep it a secret for very long, especially with the damage it would have done financially etc. to my family (my brother is on 24 hour care in their home as well, so this is significant. My father has no boundaries for the things he will sacrifice for his own selfish interests.) I also knew that I would have to tell her when she was a little more receptive and not so defensive of my stupid father. My mother did stay with my father and they have worked on their relationship. It is still crappy, she is so heavily co-dependent that I have very little respect for her. It is their problem but she still deserved to know. I think you should tell unless the old man is just so stinking stonewalled by his wife. I think that the BS always has the right to know, and I think a child should have enough respect for the parent to tell the truth. If my husband decides to cheat again I would hope that my daughter would not keep that a secret from me. That would hurt terribly to know that she has kept the secret too.
karnak Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 I can't understand why so many people think the truth should remain hidden. From my personal experience, every time I tried to hide the truth, things would later get bad. Seriously bad. To me a lie is like a snowball rolling down a mountain. It keeps accumulating snow and increasing in size, turning into an avalanche and destroying everything in its path.
road Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 (edited) The dad must be told. Just as the WW lied to the BH, her dad, gee honey how can you say I'm banging the OM. The WW, mom, is lying now that the affair is over. WW/mom has been banging this OM for ten years. She has not stopped now and will not stop banging the OM until he's dead or OM dumps her. Tell the Dad now. Edited May 14, 2010 by road
jnj express Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 Hey sam---what is your take on remorse. Remorse is what the cheating partner shows to the betrayed partner, in that they know what they have done, and that they are willing to show that they wanna make things right, it is those actions that do the things necessary to make things right that are remorseful actions. It is taking the blame on yourself, and working hard to make things right. I am sure there is a dictionary definition, but no matter. The betrayed spouse has to know that their life has been violated. This betrayed spouse knows nothing, or at least that's what everyone thinks. So kindly tell me how you show remorse to someone who DOES NOT KNOW they are being cheated on.
califnan Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I think it is very important that the father has already sensed the mother's unfaithfulness. It is not Jane's problem that the father decided to believe the mother. I agree with those who say the truth (meaning a sin) should not be hidden. But that pertains to when I am the one doing the sinning. Jane has not caused any of this .. She is merely their offspring.
Darth Vader Posted May 15, 2010 Posted May 15, 2010 I can't believe how I'm now the bad person here. I'm not responsible for my mother's actions and my parents' marriage. I love my father but i believe it's not my place to tell. my mom says she accepts responsibility and the affair is over No one's calling you a Bad person at all. As far as your mom accepting responsibility for her actions and all, well, that's what she says. I mean, after all, she's cheated and lied before, who's to say she's not lying now? See where I'm coming from?
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