Arasae Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Alright boys and girls, here's the situation! I've been dating this guy for a little over a month; we've been on something like twelve dates and it's been really fantastic. Things started out pretty slow (well, what I think it slow anyway); he took three dates to kiss me, four to REALLY kiss me, and we finally slept together last night. As far as I can tell, he seems into me.. Although sometimes I'm still unsure. About two weeks ago, I had one of my "I'm-a-scarred-woman-and-crazy" moments, and he used none of the detrimental adjectives that I was used to hearing from my last boyfriend (I.e. Insane, emotionally unstable, PMS, etc) whenever I'd feel insecure. Instead, he told me that he'd give me time to work through these issues, and that he'd really like me to be honest about how I'm feeling now, to work through them now, "before things become super serious, because it'll be easier to work on now before there's more to lose." Should I read anything into this last statement? More than that, because we're finally getting to the whole "sexing" stage, I'd really like to be able to call him my boyfriend.. But at the same time, I don't want to rush him. Advice? Should I wait for him to bring it up and just enjoy the ride in the meantime (I know he's not sleeping with or seeing anyone else), or should I bring up "the talk" sooner rather than later? Thanks for reading, any and all comments are appreciated!
Sivok Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Unless he's made it clear to you earlier that he has no intentions to be in a serious relationship, I'd say bring it up with him in a week or so's time.
alphamale Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 More than that, because we're finally getting to the whole "sexing" stage, I'd really like to be able to call him my boyfriend.. But at the same time, I don't want to rush him. you've only been together a month so this is not the time for the "talk" Should I wait for him to bring it up and just enjoy the ride in the meantime (I know he's not sleeping with or seeing anyone else), or should I bring up "the talk" sooner rather than later? you should wait for another month or two. and by the way its the girl who should always bring up "the talk"
Author Arasae Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 Sivok: =) Okay, I can wait a week or two. And no, he's never mentioned anything about not wanting anything "serious"; I never date guys who pull the escape hatch before they even know me. It simply seems like a waste of time in my book, to pursue that which does not want to be pursued. I did that once, it was hell on earth, so never again! and by the way its the girl who should always bring up "the talk" May I ask why this is?
Eeyore79 Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Your relationship sounds like it's going pretty well! You've had a dozen dates, he's taking things slowly and seems to respect you, and he was calm and caring when you started to suffer from some insecurities. When he said he wanted you to work on things before there's more to lose, that sounds to me like he's planning on things getting more serious. If you want to know the status of the relationship, just say something casual like "Hey, I feel kinda weird bringing this up, but are we seeing other people or are we kinda like gf and bf?", and see what he says
alphamale Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 May I ask why this is? because thats your job just like its the mans job to ask for your hand in marriage
Ruby Slippers Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 and by the way its the girl who should always bring up "the talk" Wrong. Maybe good for man -- but bad for the woman. I have never brought it up, and never would. Let the man step things up emotionally. If he really likes you, he will do it. But I agree that one month is too soon. I think it would be a good move to ensure that you are being exclusive with each other (it communicates that you respect yourself and your body), but a very bad move to ask for a label. I usually give it 2-3 months. If he hasn't made a move for commitment by then, I naturally start losing interest. But they sense this very quickly, and usually step up at that point.
Kamille Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Bah! It's not any specific gender's job to bring up the talk. And I'm only saying that because deep down I believe it's the man's job to make the relationship official, but alpha is proof perfect that some men are exceptions to the Rules of The World According to Me. I've never really had the "talk" in any of my successful relationships. Thinks just moved along and eventually we would have that cutesy little moment where he would say : sooo... is it okay if I introduce you as my girlfriend?. Where I agree with Alpha 100% is that it's still fairly early on in your R to be having the talk. For now, focus on enjoying yourself!
Author Arasae Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 because thats your job just like its the mans job to ask for your hand in marriage And my place is in the kitchen with the children, right? ;-P I'm just teasing, but your comment seemed a little silly and on the chauvinistic side. Although it's a double standard on my part, because I would NEVER ask for a man's hand in marriage, haha. For clarification, we're already sort of seeing each other exclusively. He said that if I wanted to go out with other gentlemen, I should, but he would like me to talk to him before that happens, and that if he did decide to take someone else out, he would talk to me before that happened, so.. I dunno! I'm young, barely 21, and I'm used to having the label applied within a week or two of dating someone, so this FEELS like forever (and yet it doesn't at the same time).. but I think maybe you're right, it might be a little too soon, especially since he's 27. I just hate worrying that I'm wasting my time with someone who might not like me as much as I do them, especially when I'm growing more attached every day. =/ Still, nothing ventured, nothing gained!
Kamille Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I just hate worrying that I'm wasting my time with someone who might not like me as much as I do them, especially when I'm growing more attached every day. =/ Still, nothing ventured, nothing gained! Are you having fun? Enjoying yourself? Getting to know someone you think is wonderful? Then you're not wasting your time.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I just hate worrying that I'm wasting my time with someone who might not like me as much as I do them, especially when I'm growing more attached every day. =/ Then don't do that. If a guy hasn't made his desires for one-on-one commitment clear, I think it's a bit silly to invest all your time, energy, and hopes in him. I really believe that when a man is interested, he will make sure the woman knows it -- subtly at first, then more clearly as time goes on -- because he doesn't want to risk losing her.
ADF Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I hope I am not going too far afield here, and I know I'm showing my age, but your post is bit confusing. When I was in my 20s (I am 40 now), the question of whether someone was your BF/GF was usually resolved BEFORE you got very physically intimate. That's not a criticism, by the way. But it seems like today, what you call "the talk" happens AFTER you've been intimate with someone. Is your case typical? I mean, is it usually to have as many as 12 dates and sex BEFORE deciding whether you really like someone?
Author Arasae Posted May 8, 2010 Author Posted May 8, 2010 ADF--I am unfortunately a product of my generation's "hook up" culture. Casual, random sex happens without even any hint of HAVING a relationship, or seeing the person again, ALL the time. In terms of the college crowd I'm surrounded by, I'm actually very unusual; twelve dates, to my current age group, is a lifetime to wait before getting physically intimate with someone. But I can understand your question; a lot of women in my age bracket sleep with men TO get into relationships. That isn't the case with me, but times have definitely changed.. if you have any kids about to hit high school age, be VERY wary my friend. It's even worse there! I respect this man, I feel as though he respects me, I have a good amount of faith in him, and feel as though this is going somewhere, so.. that's where I'm at. =)
D-Lish Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 Never bring up "the talk"... That's far too much pressure too soon. As others have stated, just enjoy getting to know each other. Rushing things comes off as insecure and needy. Just continue to enjoy getting to know him.
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