Another Trial Separation Story

[confusedandworried]

My wife and I are both miliatary. We got married in July 2008. In Sep 2008 I went on deployment. She did a deployment starting in Feb 2009. We got to see each other for aobut 30 min in Mar 2009, and then not again until she got back in July 2009. Everything seemed fine when she first got back, but then about 2 weeks later I noticed she seemed more upset at every little thing (laundry, dishes, traffic, everything). She soon started talking to me like it was all my fault. Our sex life was great from Jul until about mid August, then it just stopped. She said she was really hurt by how I didn't call/email enough while we deployed. She said I wasn't there for her and she grew more independent and felt as if I didn't need her the way she needed me. I left for a small detachment again in Feb 2010 and got back in Mar 2010. I called/emaile/IM her nearly every day. Things seemed great for about a week after I got back. This last week she told me she wanted a separation. The "I love you, but I am not in love with you the way I was". She says she needs time to clear her head. She got an apartment (which I had to pay for) month to month lease. She says she wants a month to think, and will then let me know if she has the strength to go on with our marriage. The plan is for her to come over once a week so we can talk. I did not want her to move out, but if that is what will make her happy, I am all for it at this point. Is her moving out for a "month" just the first step of her leaving for good? Should I call/text her and how often, or just leave her alone? II don't want to drive her away by calling too much or too little. I have read many posts here, and some say the separation is just what was needed while others say plan on being single again.

[Owl]

You've been seperated too much already for a "trial seperation" to be anything more than prelude to divorce.

 

I'm curious...have you tried to find out if she's been 'seeing someone' at any point during all of this?

 

There are a couple of flags in your post that make me suspect she's been cheating on you, potentially for a while!

[confusedandworried]

She says she has not and is not seeing anyone, nor does she want to at this point. I do believe that she has not and is not seeing anyone. A mutual friend of ours is going through a tough separation soon to be divorce (to include a new born) and she has spent a lot of time with our friend lately. When she goes anywhere, she always told me where she was going and called or texted me a thousand times when she was gone. The more I read on here, the more I start to think that this separation is just a prelude to divorce. I really want this to work. She mentioned seeing a counselor today. I have just heard so many horror stories of how counselors have made marriages worse than they were before. For now, I am just hoping for the best and starting to plan for the worse. Thank you.

Edited May 8, 2010 by confusedandworried

[just_some_guy]

I'm separated at this time. My perspective is that of the person who has left the home. The best thing you can do right now is to let go of her and start working on yourself.

 

Seriously.

 

Next time you talk, tell her you're going to take this time to deal with your issues and hope that she is doing the same for herself and when you're both ready, you'd like to engage a marriage counselor to see if we can make a go of it.

 

Then back off, and really do follow through and work on your own issues.

 

Military life is very difficult on a marriage at the best of times. She moved out because she wants space. The battle cry on this board is "cheater cheater". It could be, or it might not be, you can choose to believe either way. Let her have space, room to heal and grow, and you take advantage of the time to heal and grow yourself.

 

It can only work if there are two healthy people together in the relationship. Even more so with you both in the military.

[tnttim]

^^^He's right^^^^^^^^

 

regardless of whether she is cheating or not, the following steps are the same.

 

 

1. No Contact with her
   
2. Look at what role you played in breakdown, and change for next women
   
3. Start new activities
   
4. Go out and have fun
   
5. Eat, and exercise
   
6. Agree with her negativity in a fight, it will shut her down immediately
   
7. Use your family and friends for support
   

[confusedandworried]

My wife invited me over to her apartment Sunday afternoon. We went down to the beach and sat and talked. This was the first time we have really talked without either of us going on offence and the other playing defence. She said she has had resentment toward me for a while and just needed to be out of the house away, to be able to talk. I feel that we had a very productive time and she called me after I had left to say she it was the first time in about 4 months that she enjoyed being around me. She wants to work things out and we have a "date" scheduled for today and a "movie night" tomorrow. I guess I am now less confused and much less worried.

[just_some_guy]

My wife invited me over to her apartment Sunday afternoon. We went down to the beach and sat and talked. This was the first time we have really talked without either of us going on offence and the other playing defence. She said she has had resentment toward me for a while and just needed to be out of the house away, to be able to talk. I feel that we had a very productive time and she called me after I had left to say she it was the first time in about 4 months that she enjoyed being around me. She wants to work things out and we have a "date" scheduled for today and a "movie night" tomorrow. I guess I am now less confused and much less worried.

 

That's very positive. I think it is important at this point not to cling and claw to hold on. Let go of her and put your spotlight on you and getting yourself into a healthy space, physically and mentally.

[tnttim]

Take it slow with her, treat it like a first date because in essence it is. I would not even consider having sex with her, appeal to her emotions first. The most important thing IMO is to leave the talks of the past in the past while on the date. If she brings it up, tell her you just want to have fun and we'll have plenty of time to talk about that later. Then just have fun, be yourself, and be social with other people. Talk to at least 1 person in your wifes presence, make them laugh, and smile. Women like social men, it shows you have compassion for others. Also try not to be opinioniated, do not judge, do not feel sorry. Compassion is all about understanding, and women love it. When she asks you where you want to go out to, have an answer, don't tell her where ever she wants, show her you are in control and have a plan.