Blissfulpeace Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I apologize for this long message, but I am looking for some insight and would appreciate your help. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. We lived in the same city for 5 months and then I had to move away for school. We are both in our early to mid-thirties and we were very serious before I left and decided that we wanted to pursue a long-distance relationship. We made it work and spoke and saw each other often. Our relationship grew stronger and we spent time together, with each others' friends and families and were making plans for the future. Things were not perfect and we did have a handful of arguments that were mostly about the same thing. There were times when I felt unappreciated (e.g. an occasion where he was very late for a meeting and another where he accidentally double-booked our dinner plans). They were forgivable and honest mistakes, but somehow, although things seemed to resolve on the surface, it just accumulated inside me. The last time that this happened was in January and we actually spoke to a counselor to try to get through this chronic issue. After this point, he was really making an effort not to make me feel this way and things got much better. Things were fine until about a month ago when I picked a fight for a similar (and very childish) issue. Things escalated and it became very difficult for us to talk without fighting. At that time, he told me that he needed space, which I agreed was needed, but it was hard for me to give him at first, but I was finally able to do it after a couple of days. During this time, his friends told me how terribly stressed and overworked he was and that they were concerned about his health because he would come home from work at 6 and keep working from home until after 11 pm most nights only to return to work for 8 am the next day. The work would spill over to the weekends and he just could not relax. His workload had increased hugely and he was not coping very well. I should mention that his work is very important to him and, although I felt unappreciated at times, I have tried to support him in his career aspirations. After some space, things got better between us and we could talk again. Then we saw each other and things felt good. It was comfortable and pressure-free and he did not want me to leave. One major thing that happened when I was with him was that I saw how demanding and crazy his work is. (He was working from home that day.) Until that moment, I had known that he was busy, but I had no idea what that meant. We decided that we wanted to make things work and to move past the fight. Then we separated and he withdrew again without saying why. I gave him space again thinking that this was what he needed, but after a week of only getting text messages, I called him and this led to another fight. He told me that he is overwhelmed with his work and wants to make the relationship work, but he does not know how. He asked me to be patient and that we would talk in a few days. Yesterday was that day and he called to say that we should break up. He said that he has to figure his life out and that he does not want the relationship right now. He cannot stand the fighting and cannot see how things are going to get better. We argued again, but although he knows that we had a special and meaningful relationship, he feels that the fighting is only going to get worse. It has been hard for me to hear this and I want to respect his wishes. At the same time, I know that this fighting is because of stress and not our relationship. I emailed him last night after we talked and asked him for more time and space to think about things. I will be moving back home in two weeks and we will be in the same city again. I also asked him to meet me and he agreed to all of this. Things were so different when we were last saw each other in person and I feel that the fighting is worse because we are living 800 miles apart. Am I wrong to think that proximity will help to improve the situation? Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you for your help. P.S. I have made a resolve to stop fighting and have actually sought out counseling to help me with this problem. The recurring argument has come from my own insecurities and I really believe that managing this will make things easier.
northstar1 Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I feel your pain. This sounds a lot like themes that happened and ultimately led the end of my relationships; namely stress, feeling unappreciated, miscommunication, silly fights and ultimately one of the partners putting up walls, and detaching. It is good you are seeing a therapist. To make it work, both have to be willing to accept accountability for their actions and how they are affecting the relationship, as well as recognizing insecurities. Otherwise, there will always be a feeling of instability that will run under the surface and result in these feelings. Maybe he just hit his threshold and a switch was thrown and he no longer saw the relationship as working out, despite loving you. It can happen, and sometimes there is no going back if one partner no longer wants to fight for it. I would give it time and space and let yourself digest things, then maybe meet down the road and reassess if things are repairable?
Ilovecake Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 It has been hard for me to hear this and I want to respect his wishes. At the same time, I know that this fighting is because of stress and not our relationship. This really caught my eye. Why do you think that these are two separate entities? Isn't his work and your needs and his stress all part of your relationship? I think a lot of people make this mistake of separating their relationship from the rest of their lives when it's really just another part of your life and everything affects it. I would say that you do need to back off a little. It sounds to me like he’s feeling overwhelmed trying to do everything right and it’s probably stressing him to no end. His brain is telling him how important work is and his heart is telling him not to hurt you. He probably feels stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you are this demanding when you live 800 miles apart won’t you be even more demanding of his time when you live close enough to see him every day? It doesn't sound like he'll be coming up with more free time for you any time soon. You need to decide what is important to you in a relationship and if sharing him with his career does not work for you then you need to let him go for your own hapiness. You have every right to find someone who can provide you with the amount of attention you require to feel good about yourself.
Author Blissfulpeace Posted May 10, 2010 Author Posted May 10, 2010 Thank you both for your thoughtful replies. I think that the biggest problem that we have is that he is a person who needs a lot of space, while I need a bit more attention than he does. This has worked most of the time, but has caused conflict when I feel like he is distant, which makes me feel that I am not appreciated. This is what leads to our arguments. I am finally understanding this! It may be an oversimplification of the problem, but it has definitely been a major contributing factor. I just came across a great article that I wanted to share. I hope that this is okay with the forum admins, but this article is light, funny and really put things into perspective for me. I don't know what is going to happen with our relationship because things are pretty strained right now, but it is helpful to know that there is hope. I hope that this article will help others too. http://al.turtlecounseling.com/blog/_archives/2005/3/9/412164.html
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