lkjh Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 No, I don't want to confront him because I don't want him to know that I know. I'd have to own up to a lot of spying and would lose those opportunities in the future if the same thing happened again. This gives me an amount of power I don't want to relinquish. The OW is in her early thirties, and my husband is Italian, so dark-haired and dark eyes... Thank God, I don't know what I would have done. Did she say he was blond? I didn't catch that. I will go back and read it more carefully. I'm hoping it will stop. She made it very clear that he shouldn't look for her anymore. I don't think he will. That is not the truth, you don't want to confront them because you are scared your H won't pick you. Look running from your problems will not make them go away. Confront your H and tell her H. Then work on your M, but you can not work on your M with all the crap that is going on. If you are too scared to do anything than suck it up and let your H have a open marriage
califnan Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 No, I don't want to confront him because I don't want him to know that I know. I'd have to own up to a lot of spying and would lose those opportunities in the future if the same thing happened again. This gives me an amount of power I don't want to relinquish. The OW is in her early thirties, and my husband is Italian, so dark-haired and dark eyes... Thank God, I don't know what I would have done. Did she say he was blond? I didn't catch that. I will go back and read it more carefully. I'm hoping it will stop. She made it very clear that he shouldn't look for her anymore. I don't think he will. --------------------- I am all for your not giving up power, as far as knowing what is going on.. There may be three people in a marriage, but the wife is one of the more vital ones - and with rights. And as for spying: I think that a wife has the right to check on her spouse - and to continue to check on a cheating husband.
califnan Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 That is not the truth, you don't want to confront them because you are scared your H won't pick you. Look running from your problems will not make them go away. Confront your H and tell her H. Then work on your M, but you can not work on your M with all the crap that is going on. If you are too scared to do anything than suck it up and let your H have a open marriage ----------------- Edith, To put it a little more nicely - it still might be a good time to suggest marriage counseling..
Rosie428 Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I would DEFINITELY confront him! I agree with the others...he will not stop this behavior if you don't. Tell him you know what he's been up to and that he is to end the affair immediately, and allow complete transparency about everything, and attend MC or you are done. I will tell you that when I found out my Husband was involved emotionally with a woman, I called a famous therapist and had a phone session. Her advice (which I didn't take) was to scare my husband by throwing him out. She said that some men will cheat "because THEY CAN", and that not until he is sitting in a dark room, realizing all he has lost including half his wealth, will he not change. She said after he begged to come home then I could make the rules. I chose to not take this route because knowing my husband, a bluff would backfire and he wouldn't beg to come home....he would be gone. I chose to threaten to leave him unless he ended all contact with her. It's a long story, but the point is you HAVE TO slam your foot down NOW or NOTHING will change, ever!
califnan Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Edith, one big thing you aren't realizing here. The ball is in your court should you confront him. It's in your court because YOU'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG. HE HAS! ---------------------- Absolutely, Edith.
fooled once Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Why isn't the affair going to stop, in both situations? I didn't read exactly every word, but it seems like this Michelle girl is in love with him. My husband's OW told him in no uncertain terms to never look for her again and her email wasn't nearly as dramatic. It doesn't sound like love to me. Is the OW's attitude the predictor of whether or not the affair will continue? IMHO - she only wrote that NC letter to get him to step it up. A game, much like the other post on the OW/OM board is playing. She wants him to chase her, she wants him to pick her. And it speaks volumes that your H didn't stop it. He didn't want it to stop. He is in love with her, as evidenced by his moping around. What you permit, you promote. Don't be shocked or upset when he starts another affair. how many affairs will it take for you to realize he isn't the man you married? How many times does he need to cheat on you before you start respecting yourself and saying NO MORE? Why would you want to be married to someone who cheats? HOW do you continue having a marriage knowing he cheated? How do you ever sleep with him again? How will you not wonder for the rest of your marriage if he can be trusted? I don't know how you don't confront him. If you aren't going to confront him, you give up the 'right' to complain about him and his cheating because by not confronting him, you are accepting it and allowing it.
Got it Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Edith - how is this living? Spending the rest of your life sneaking around behind him, checking on him, always wondering what else is going on? Don't do this to you. Don't settle. Please don't settle out of fear.
Lizzie60 Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 You confirm what I always thought.. some women sacrifice their life for the sake of their family.. Men would never ever tolerate that kind of behavior from their wife.. Stay with him.. he's the love of your life..
RedDevil66 Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 I'm not wired the same way as you, in that, there is no way I can hold info like this in. I know that holding the info you have in, will cause you stresses that can create some serious illness. Repression is a killer. You don't have to tell him you snooped, just tell him you know and don't tell him how. Are you in therapy?
KikiW Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 You are asking "why?" and "do you think?" and continuing to draw this out and bury your head in the sand. And you claim to have the power while you keep your proof to yourself. No, you don't have the power. Not unless you are planning on gathering more evidence to take to the attorney. But you're not, you're just hoping she goes away and he doesn't have feelings for her. Even if SHE goes away, he will just find another. If you don't care if he does that as long as he doesn't "love" her, then you need to confront him and set the rules of an open marriage so you minimize your risk of STDs. But it won't go away, he will screw someone else, and you will be asking the exact same questions. Listen to Owl and EVERYONE ELSE who is saying the exact same thing to you.
stillafool Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 OMG... Edith... this is TOOO coincidental... PLEASE read this thread... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t230119/ This could be any number of MW in an affair here on LS and in life. I don't know if this is Edith's H's gf. I doubt it. But Edith, like someone else suggested why don't you go for an open marriage this way your H can be honest. You don't want to confront him because you are afraid of losing him so just tell him you know about the OW and he can continue seeing her. He will see her until one of them breaks it off, but there is no doubt in my mind that he will pick up another lover because it's so easy for him to get away with it. If your heart is breaking at this point you really do need to stop blaming him and blame yourself because you chose to put up with it. Your attorney is right, he knows he would just be wasting his time, because you will never leave this man no matter what he does.
stillafool Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 (edited) I'm not wired the same way as you, in that, there is no way I can hold info like this in. I know that holding the info you have in, will cause you stresses that can create some serious illness. Repression is a killer. You don't have to tell him you snooped, just tell him you know and don't tell him how. Are you in therapy? Of course she isn't. Edith's H has all the power in their marriage. I know a woman who turned her back while her H cheated for years. She now looks 15 years older than him and guess what? He's still cheating. Edited May 9, 2010 by stillafool
califnan Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 Of course she isn't. Edith's H has all the power in their marriage. I know a woman who turned her back while her H cheated for years. She now looks 15 years older than him and guess what? He's still cheating. ---------------------- Edith has All of the power. Unbeknownst to him, she knows everything according to the proof he has so carelessly left behind .. She can pull the plug anytime, leaving her probably in decent financial condition - where he could loose his job, among other things.. Seems like by God's grace the man has been afforded Edith's long string (longsuffering) to return to her and the marriage. .. or to continue to pursue the outside relationship. Edith is definitely in the driver's seat.
stillafool Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 Edith may be in the driver's seat but Edith doesn't drive. Her H has the power because he can do whomever he wants with no repercussions. I think they have a business together so her h doesn't have to worry about losing his job. If they don't have a business together I doubt Edith would reveal this to his employer because without a job he couldn't give her financial support. Not only that but Edith is scared to death to lose him. No he has all the power. If Edith had the power she would use it.
califnan Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 Edith may be in the driver's seat but Edith doesn't drive. Her H has the power because he can do whomever he wants with no repercussions. I think they have a business together so her h doesn't have to worry about losing his job. If they don't have a business together I doubt Edith would reveal this to his employer because without a job he couldn't give her financial support. Not only that but Edith is scared to death to lose him. No he has all the power. If Edith had the power she would use it. ------------------------ Yes, I believe they do have the business together. And in the situation of a divorce, everything would be according to agreed upon division of community assets, incl the business .. Just because Edith is gathering evidence, and giving him opportunity to repent - doesn't mean Edith is not in the driver's seat.. She appears to be a very methodical woman. And she Is in control - to pull the plug anytime, on a man who is sinning against his wife and marriage..
stillafool Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 ------------------------ Just because Edith is gathering evidence, and giving him opportunity to repent - doesn't mean Edith is not in the driver's seat.. She appears to be a very methodical woman. And she Is in control - to pull the plug anytime, on a man who is sinning against his wife and marriage.. I agreed she is in the driver's seat; but what good does it do when you won't drive? She appears to be a woman who is deathly afraid of losing her husband. She has had the plug in her hand for quite sometime and it remains to be seen whether or not her fear will let her pull it.
califnan Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 I agreed she is in the driver's seat; but what good does it do when you won't drive? She appears to be a woman who is deathly afraid of losing her husband. She has had the plug in her hand for quite sometime and it remains to be seen whether or not her fear will let her pull it. --------------------- I guess she loves her husband more than herself.. At any rate, it appears she is going to do it in steps.. It would seem that if he agrees to marriage counseling, that would tell her where his heart is ..
stillafool Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 Has she asked him to go to counseling? I think I missed that.
califnan Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 Has she asked him to go to counseling? I think I missed that. ------------------ No. But she seems to be open to it ..
bananalaffytaffy Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 She said that if he didn't love this OW, she might ask for MC. (not tell, ask.) But she's been trying to interpret his intentions for over 18 months to no avail. She's not going to know what's really going on unless she exposes the affair. She's too afraid he'll leave her. But for a man to leave his kids, his lifestyle, etc for a married woman who doesn't want to leave her own husband is silly, IMO. I imagine the guy's a cheater and a liar, but I doubt he's that stupid. I wonder if Edith's inability to stand up for herself isn't what got her in this mess in the first place. The affair is NOT her fault, but there's a reason he knew he could get away with it.
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