edith Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 So, for those of you who have been following my saga, I finally saw my attorney today. We went over what financial situation and - custody of the kids would be like if I choose to leave, but he wasn't convinced that I want to end my marriage. He asked me to return once I know for sure. He is right. I haven't confronted my husband. I don't think I want to now. I've been thinking of simply suggesting MC and seeing where that leads us. He hasn't contacted the OW in a week. He's dropping her again. And this was after they had sex. I guess that has given me some hope. Hope that he doesn't really care for her and was only looking for sex, which still hurts me, but I don't feel that ending my marriage without trying is the right thing to do. Am I right in thinking that he's dropping her because he doesn't feel anything? I know you all probably agree that I should leave him, but since it's over between them (he hasn't replied to her at all), I can give my marriage a try.
Owl Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 So, for those of you who have been following my saga, I finally saw my attorney today. We went over what financial situation and - custody of the kids would be like if I choose to leave, but he wasn't convinced that I want to end my marriage. He asked me to return once I know for sure. I think your attorney is right. You've had TONS and TONS of reasons to end your marriage, and yet you've never really taken any step to actually change the situation. You're not going to end your marriage over this. You choose not to. He is right. I haven't confronted my husband. I don't think I want to now. I've been thinking of simply suggesting MC and seeing where that leads us. Save your money. MC is useless...worse than useless... if an affair is ongoing. You're just going to waste time and money trying to fix things while this is going on. Spend it on anti-depressant meds and a good gym membership instead. He hasn't contacted the OW in a week. He's dropping her again. And this was after they had sex. I guess that has given me some hope. Hope that he doesn't really care for her and was only looking for sex, which still hurts me, but I don't feel that ending my marriage without trying is the right thing to do. Am I right in thinking that he's dropping her because he doesn't feel anything? I know you all probably agree that I should leave him, but since it's over between them (he hasn't replied to her at all), I can give my marriage a try. Nope...in my opinion you're not doing the right thing. You're not doing ANYTHING. Your playing ostrich. You're burying your head in the sand hoping it will all go away without you doing anything. You're going to stay in this situation until you finally CHOOSE to do something about it. When you do...post here and I'll be glad to offer advice on what to do from there.
bananalaffytaffy Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Edith, How long are you going to let this continue? You MUST confront him. As soon as he gets over his guilt, or fear, or whatever it is, he WILL reconnect with her! It may be tomorrow, it may be next week, it may be next year. Do you hear me? He WILL reconnect with her. It's a given. Plus, why do you want to have to keep checking up on him forever? THIS WILL NOT STOP UNLESS YOU MAKE HIM STOP. Show him the emails. Do it today.
whichwayisup Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 What are you afraid of? Why not just confront your H with all that you know and tell him either stop the A and fix the marriage, or divorce. Nothing is going to change or happen until you talk to your H. I don't think the A is over, far from it. He's probably backed off of the OW but he WILL resume contact when he wants attention and an ego feed from her.
KikiW Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I agree 100% with every single thing Owl said. He is a wise owl. And as much as I would like to agree 100% with Banana, I don't. He isn't going to stop no matter what you do. He will just gaslight you until you give up. All the while grooming some new piece of tail, or stringing the old one along. Sick. But yes, as Owl said, save your money on MC and spend it on Anti-Ds. Sorry to be blunt, but that's really all there is to say.
redtail Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 ... I can give my marriage a try. Edith, please listen to Owl, he's right. Blunt, but right. It's tough, and most of us here know that, many have been where you are. MC at this point is like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic, it won't make any difference. Best of luck to you!
PhoenixRise Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I agree with the other posters that MC will just waste your money, assuming he will even agree to go, if there is an affair ongoing. AND the affair is ongoing. A week is not a long time for NC. He will respond to her eventually. Why would he not? As far as he knows good old Edith is completely in the dark and he can do whatever he chooses, whenever he chooses. At this point I don't know if you should confront him or not. You aren't going anywhere no matter what he says or does. If he tell you it was just sex you will believe him because that is what you want to believe. You can continue to do nothing and hope that this will all just go away...it won't. How about instead of you suggesting MC to work on the marriage, you tell your H that your are entering IC to work on you.
bittersweet memories Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 So, for those of you who have been following my saga, I finally saw my attorney today. We went over what financial situation and - custody of the kids would be like if I choose to leave, but he wasn't convinced that I want to end my marriage. He asked me to return once I know for sure. He is right. I haven't confronted my husband. I don't think I want to now. I've been thinking of simply suggesting MC and seeing where that leads us. He hasn't contacted the OW in a week. He's dropping her again. And this was after they had sex. I guess that has given me some hope. Hope that he doesn't really care for her and was only looking for sex, which still hurts me, but I don't feel that ending my marriage without trying is the right thing to do. Am I right in thinking that he's dropping her because he doesn't feel anything? I know you all probably agree that I should leave him, but since it's over between them (he hasn't replied to her at all), I can give my marriage a try. Don't hold your breath...Since you have not comfronted your husband I promise you the affair is not over. There is other ways to communicate or response to her emails. Beware!
scatterd Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Edith Im sorry what you are going through I know every one handles things different im sure you have your reasons are you waiting for you to stop caring or what.Do you need time to deside? I hope you are thinking of you and intend to get out because their is so many fish in the sea and you will do better then that.I hope it turns out the way you want.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 He hasn't contacted the OW in a week. He's dropping her again. And this was after they had sex. I guess that has given me some hope. Hope that he doesn't really care for her and was only looking for sex, which still hurts me, but I don't feel that ending my marriage without trying is the right thing to do. Am I right in thinking that he's dropping her because he doesn't feel anything? I know you all probably agree that I should leave him, but since it's over between them (he hasn't replied to her at all), I can give my marriage a try. She may have been the one to end it. It sounds like one of those 'on/off' affairs that can last for years. I would not bother with MC until he comes clean about the affair, becomes transparent about it (ie: shows you everything, and shares everything), and furthermore - her H needs to know. Then, and only then - when it is blown out of the water, can you begin to rebuild. If he is not willing to open up about the affair and denies/downplays it then you have no marriage to work on. Just the basic 'prop' of a marriage. Her H needs to know everything at this point. Have you considered contacting him?
califnan Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Edith, I have gotten the impression that the OW was zealous and calling him, to encourage this.. I think the very fact that he has not been in contact with her for a week, may show that it is on his part.. And I do think it is a good time to speak about MC. After which, you can tell him that you know everything. In spite of the fact that you will be OK financially either way, I know you seem to wish to save your marriage .. So I think you should continue in that direction, until such time that You feel otherwise..
Brokenlady Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Edith, This temporary break means nothing. It's not like he told her it's over he's done with her. And the pattern has always been that they get back in contact. And even if he did stop it (which I highly doubt), what's to stop him from getting another OW while he thinks you are blissfully ignorant? He hasn't changed at ALL. More importantly, YOU haven't changed at all. You're essentially saying this is all ok, you'll keep looking the other way. If you keep doing that, he'll keep cheating. Since you're obviously inclined to go this route, have you considered proposing an open marriage? At least then you can screw around too.
bittersweet memories Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Her H needs to know everything at this point. Have you considered contacting him? She can't even confront her own husband, no way will she contact the OW husband. I just don't see it.
bittersweet memories Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Since you're obviously inclined to go this route, have you considered proposing an open marriage? At least then you can screw around too. BINGO...that's what I was thinking about. Sounds like an open marriage already, she seems to be ok about it as long as he doesn't develop any feelings for her.
Author edith Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 Whoever said that she broke it off with him was right. She did. He saved that email and put it in another folder. She told him never to go after her again. What does this mean? He has been moping around lately, and I didn't know why because I couldn't see his emails for a couple of days. Now it makes sense. Back to square one. And I just don't have the courage to confront him and see my whole life come crashing down. My heart is breaking right now.
bittersweet memories Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 OMG... Edith... this is TOOO coincidental... PLEASE read this thread... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t230119/ No kidding jthorne...and this person broke it off as well. Yikes!! I bet there is a connection.
Author edith Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 My heart stopped as I read that thread - how can it be???? Until I got to where she describes the email she sent. It's not the same. I'm still shaking. I don't know what I would have done if it had been her. And she said she read my thread? No, it's not the same person. But I could have been reading about myself. She broke it off with him too... what are the odds? And what does this mean, now, that my husband is definitely in love with her if he wasn't the one to break it off? He's still not going after her. I wish I knew where she lives. Maybe she changed the email she sent.... No, it couldn't be.
Author edith Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 Why isn't the affair going to stop, in both situations? I didn't read exactly every word, but it seems like this Michelle girl is in love with him. My husband's OW told him in no uncertain terms to never look for her again and her email wasn't nearly as dramatic. It doesn't sound like love to me. Is the OW's attitude the predictor of whether or not the affair will continue?
califnan Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 OMG... Edith... this is TOOO coincidental... PLEASE read this thread... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t230119/ ----------------- Amen, I told her to - last week. Edith: How old is the OW ?
califnan Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Whoever said that she broke it off with him was right. She did. He saved that email and put it in another folder. She told him never to go after her again. What does this mean? He has been moping around lately, and I didn't know why because I couldn't see his emails for a couple of days. Now it makes sense. Back to square one. And I just don't have the courage to confront him and see my whole life come crashing down. My heart is breaking right now. ----------------- What does it mean. Well in Michelle's case, it meant that after the sex, he stopped having frequent contact with her.. she got upset - and told him to not contact her anymore.. So now she is thinking about him all the time.. waiting for a party that is coming up, in which they may see each other again.
Owl Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 OK...I'm going to say what I mean, clearly, and concisely. I hope that it comes through in the way I intend: Here goes... EDITH...STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT THE SITUATION, STOP TRYING TO ANALYZE THE 'WHY' OF SOMETHING THAT DEFIES LOGIC...GET UP AND DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE THE SITUATION!!!!! OK, I'm done...please let me know if I'm being too subtle. And before anyone gets too angry...I mean no insult with what I typed...but I very seriously did mean the actual content. Quit trying to analyze...start taking action.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Why not send the emails anonymously to her H and let him do the confronting. Then you get a front row seat. I understand completely not being ready to end your marriage. I understand firsthand the denial than a BS goes through, but I can't wrap my head around your ability to not want to confront your H. It take a toll to live with someone you know is cheating and turn your head if you still infact have an ounce of love for your H. It will age you like you wouldn't believe. I don't think most people are cut out for the job, but I do believe that you can handle it aeb the way you've handled it so far. Living a lie is not an easy thing for a sane person to do though. I'm sorry your in suck a predicament. If your H hasn't left so far, then why do you think he will leave if you confront him.
Confused4Now Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 OK...I'm going to say what I mean, clearly, and concisely. I hope that it comes through in the way I intend: Here goes... EDITH...STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT THE SITUATION, STOP TRYING TO ANALYZE THE 'WHY' OF SOMETHING THAT DEFIES LOGIC...GET UP AND DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE THE SITUATION!!!!! OK, I'm done...please let me know if I'm being too subtle. And before anyone gets too angry...I mean no insult with what I typed...but I very seriously did mean the actual content. Quit trying to analyze...start taking action.Way to put it bluntly OWL....I agree with YOU 100% ugh....
califnan Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Is your H blonde with blue eyes? (I hope not.) And I think Michelle is 25, right? At any rate, It is good for both Edith and Michelle to read each other's threads .. Edith to see the mindset of the OW.. And Michelle to see what the wife goes through, and that the MM could loose more than half of the community assets should there be a divorce..
Author edith Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 No, I don't want to confront him because I don't want him to know that I know. I'd have to own up to a lot of spying and would lose those opportunities in the future if the same thing happened again. This gives me an amount of power I don't want to relinquish. The OW is in her early thirties, and my husband is Italian, so dark-haired and dark eyes... Thank God, I don't know what I would have done. Did she say he was blond? I didn't catch that. I will go back and read it more carefully. I'm hoping it will stop. She made it very clear that he shouldn't look for her anymore. I don't think he will.
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