Benedict Posted January 25, 2004 Posted January 25, 2004 You certainly right in that there are emotions I have that still burn. If you were able to read the posts from that particular girl, you would have to agree that she did indeed put words in my mouth that I did not ever utter. That, it seems to me, is a pretty poor way to "relate to others". I merely pointed that out to her. I find it more than a little bit ironic that you are cautioning me about adding insult to injury when I have still yet to see what "injury" the bf/gf of a married cheater has sustained... They knew what they were into; they could have gotten out. And equally ironic when you speak about the hurt I have caused... Babe, I wasn't out f*cking around - with married people or otherwise. I think the thread had more to do with the pain THEY caused, am I wrong? If you read my posts and understood them, you would remember that I stated something to the effect of it being the fault of both parties in the marriage that it was in the state it is. The gf/bf merely comes along and complicates it more. I implore any other spouse who has been cheated on to pony up and tell me I am wrong, or too hurtful or anything less than right-on. I don't need to hear from any more gf/bf looking to feel better about something they know is wrong.
Benedict Posted January 25, 2004 Posted January 25, 2004 Heya Nicole, yeah, I agree. They were both wrong. I was wrong too. I had my share of why were in that bad space. Now, I am not saying I pushed her into it - and neither did she - but I had a hand in the state of our marriage. But I never promised to love and honor that guy. Never. I did promise that to her, and it means a lot to me. In my particular case, he knew what he was doing, where we were as a couple, and what he was stepping in the middle of. He had no right. he knew and he had no right. The man damn near broke up my family... and honestly... do not f*ck with my family. I will come out fighting. By the way, any of you out there, I might have heard wrong, but my understanding is that the vast majority of women out there fervently wish for a man like that. As for it coming around again. It may come around to him; i suppose it will. I won't waste the energy to find out. I have better things to do - like raise a family. But it won't come around for her. I am just not like that. Yeah, I'm 40, but I run & work out, so I look OK. I play in a rock band in Chicago so I get interest, I guess. Thing is, I am just NOT INTERESTED. Not to say that it will never ever happen (who knows all possibilities?), but that's just not who I am. I hear women like that too.
brashgal Posted January 26, 2004 Posted January 26, 2004 Benedict - although I agree that not only the cheating spouse and the OW/OM are ethically/morally wrong, I do not agree with your assertion that you "won" and that you are "the better man". You and your wife decided your marriage was more important. Your wife decided you were the "right man" for her. Those of us whose marriages ended as a result of infidelity did not 'lose'. We chose to end our marriages. I do not see the OW as "a better woman", just maybe she is the "right" woman for my ex - time will tell. It does not make me a lesser person.
Benedict Posted January 26, 2004 Posted January 26, 2004 Hi Brash, Please do not misunderstand me: I certainly would not label anyone who has lost a spouse and marriage to another person as a "loser". Not at all what I intended to imply. I was speaking specifically about my situation, and my situation alone. In my case, I recognized (to some greater extent) that we were in trouble - and this predated my knowledge of her affair. At that point, I weighed all of the factors involved, and decided that I wanted this to work - for a variety of reasons, the children not the least of these. After I found out about the affair, and after some time re-thinking it, I again came to that conclusion. I did view this as a fight to save what was mine - a happy marriage and a family. No, I don't consider my wife "mine". To me it was very much a win/lose equation. To my children, it most certainly was. We spent many, many hours, over many months discussing all aspects of our lives together, and it was her conclusion that I was the better man. Her words too. My assertion that he is a lesser man is not based solely on his affair with my wife; there are other factors involved. This person posed as my friend for a couple of years, spent time with us, and my kids, so I have had ample time to observe him. I am not making a blind assumption based on emotion alone. Really, as far as the question of "winning" or "losing", in my case, I believe my characterization is accurate. You may certainly disagree with the terminology, but that does not change what actually happened, and what was said. In any case, if someone loses a spouse to infidelity and there are kids involved, the kids sure do lose, don't they? If I had had a spouse who was not interested in stopping the affair and working on our marriage, I would have divorced her with few looks back... and considered myself to have not lost much. But my kids would sure have lost, wouldn't they? I sure do not label the cheated-on spouse as a loser or winner in any case, and while I feel my assertion that all three parties bear responsibility for the situation, the cheated-on spouse bears the least. Just my opinion, based on experience...
Arabess Posted January 26, 2004 Posted January 26, 2004 Originally posted by brashgal Those of us whose marriages ended as a result of infidelity did not 'lose'. .......... It does not make me a lesser person. I agree completely! It's kind of like walking away from a dog who won't come when you call him. You've given up absolutely nothing but a really stupid dog. Everyone knows I don't make moral calls on OW/OM's because I figure this is a forum and they just want pertinent answers.....or have a beat up heart. Personally though.....I would NEVER stay with a man who had a whole relationship with someone outside of our marriage. I happened to have a relationship with someone who was separated and did not live with his family....but once I realized a legal divorce wasn't forthcoming.....I walked the hell out. My love for him had nothing to do with it. It was a matter of personal pride. I think a wife who walks away from a cheating spouse...is making the same quality call.
Author kkat Posted January 27, 2004 Author Posted January 27, 2004 I completely agree with Arabess. Also, Benedict, I will say that while I hope it will not be the case in your situation - I don't think the kids necessarily lose when a marriage ends over infidelity - or any other reason. I think the kids lose when people stay married for the wrong reasons, and the kids live in a warzone day in and day out. I know that's how it was for me - for years --and I have many friends who would agree. A bit off topic, but wanted to comment on that. Kkat
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