Sour Girl Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I'll give a little background on my story, but I have a feeling the regulars here have probably heard it time and time again. I'm 45, he's 50, and we've been married for 20 years with 3 kids, the youngest still in high school and the other 2 college students. He's an alcoholic, and drinks a minimum of a 12 pack of beer a day, along with at least 1 pack of cigarettes. He's also the most functional alcoholic you've ever met, and is highly respected in his line of work. We live in a beautiful home, drive nice cars and take wonderful vacations. On the surface, my friends think I've got it made. In many ways, I do. My husband doesn't cheat, and he's not violent. He's just a sloppy drunk who embarrasses me at every turn with his "fun". He thinks I'm a total witch for trying to ruin it by asking him to please turn it down even for a day, in order not to humiliate me or the kids at a family wedding (or whatever). Our sex life has gone down for a few years now... not for lack of effort on his part, it's just that the smell of beer on his breath makes me want to throw up and I avoid him every chance I get. He feels like I ruined his sex life, I feel like he ruined it for both of us. In response to my lack of affection, he has now cut me off from "his" money. I work too, but make about 1/3 of what he does and pay several of our bills out my check. Thus, he blows and goes as he pleases while I scrimp and save like a single woman. Hmmm.... what's wrong with this picture? I have no companionship, no love life and no money, why am I still here? Mostly, it's because I'm afraid of the unknown. I quit making threats about him changing or me leaving a long time ago. We both see the writing on the wall, but he is determined that I'll stay, I'm his lifeline. In public he does his best to hold my hand and kiss all over me so that everyone there can see how "happy" we are. I cringe and count the minutes until I can go back home and hide. I'm afraid he'll lose his job if I leave, as many times it's me who has to make sure he gets out of bed, because in his drunken state he'll sleep right through the alarm. If he ends up unemployed, it hurts us all, even if we're divorced. I'm so, so depressed, and leaving him is all I think about, day and night. I'm sooo miserable and long for a normal life, without the spectre of alchohol hanging over me 24/7. I try so hard every day to work up the courage to tell him "it's over", and for reasons I don't understand, I just can't do it. This would be easier if he were a horrible person, but he's not. He's basically a good person with a horrible problem that he has no intention of changing. I swear to God he loves beer more than me or any of the kids, it's his #1 in my opinion. I'm taking medication for depression, but it's not enough. I've begun spending all of my time alone in the bedroom, not seeing or talking to any of my friends or family. Every day is the same... it's about working, sleeping, and getting through another 24 hours... there's no fun or joy left at all for me. Why can't I do this? It's killing me a little more every day. I've reached the point that I don't think I even love him any more - he could quit drinking today and I don't know if it would make a difference. I've seen and heard and felt too much and I don't think I can get over it. Has anyone ever been in my shoes? How do I move forward? I feel very much like I'm treading water here, and sinking a little lower every minute. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading.
FeelingLonely98 Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 SG - Wow, your post is very sad. I didn't see anywhere in there where you are getting some professional help (therapist, psychiatrist, counselor...) Have the two of you tried marriage counseling? Welcome to LS. Keep posting ... though I have not been in your shoes I am sure many who have been in such a tormented situation can advise you and help you. Good Luck, All the best!
Author Sour Girl Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 SG - Wow, your post is very sad. I didn't see anywhere in there where you are getting some professional help (therapist, psychiatrist, counselor...) Have the two of you tried marriage counseling? Welcome to LS. Keep posting ... though I have not been in your shoes I am sure many who have been in such a tormented situation can advise you and help you. Good Luck, All the best! Thanks for the welcome. I have tried counseling, alone, and she told me what I thought she would... that he's not going to change and that my only true option is to leave. Him going to counseling will never happen. He knows he's got a problem and he also knows he has no intention of facing it. I never even told him I saw a counselor, he's consider it a huge betrayal. I've been trying and trying to work up the nerve to start attending Al-Anon, and I think tonight may be the night, since he has to work and won't know. He'll consider this a betrayal as well. I've been divorced once before when I was much younger. The ex was an abusive loser and leaving him was easy. It's much more difficult leaving someone who's really a decent person with a horrible problem, but I feel like the life is being sucked right out of me. I'd just like to feel happiness again... to look forward to tomorrow. I haven't felt that in so long I wonder if I ever will again.
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