lucyskye Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 This is my first post here but I have been hanging around and checking out the forums for the past while. I'm in a long term relationship (6 years is long for me) with a great guy. We've had a lot of different issues including his battle with addiction to drugs (3 years clean) and my overwhelming co-dependence. The first 2 years were great sexually and we were living together full time. He went to rehab twice and during that time, we have only seen each other on weekends. We are now at the end of our first month living together again. Things are great except our sex life is in the toilet. Over the past few years, my drive has all but disappeared. Sex is all about him and I'm feeling much like a toaster that he pops his struedel into whenever he gets a hunger-on. I'm not liking it at all. We had this talk a few years ago and I told him that I need to be touched more with no strings attached because everytime he touches me, it is sexual in nature. Even when we go to bed and spoon, I have to be the big spoon because otherwise he wants to have sex and gets pissy with me. This lack of drive is not like me at all...I had a very healthy libido in previous relationships. How do I get across to him that sex is for TWO and not just YOU? Am I looking at this wrong? He told me the other night that he wants sex. He won't look outside the relationship for it but sees many opportunities to engage in that behaviour if he so wanted. I get the feeling that it won't take long before he does cross that line and that he has spent no small amount of time considering it. I want to fix this but I'm simply tired of taking one for the team...
norajane Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Sex is all about him and I'm feeling much like a toaster that he pops his struedel into whenever he gets a hunger-on. I'm not liking it at all. We had this talk a few years ago and I told him that I need to be touched more with no strings attached because everytime he touches me, it is sexual in nature. If you had this talk 3 years ago, I think it's time to have it again. Be specific on what you need from him. I'm not surprised you aren't interested in sex if he's been treating you like a toaster for this long. That will kill desire and good will in a heartbeat.
MichelleZB Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 It's easy--tell him that you've been feeling left out of the sex you've been having, and you want the sex to change. Make it clear that you're not rejecting his advances, just letting him know that you need a bit more attention, and that he isn't satisfying his lady. Then tell him the good news: that you're ready to have sex with him every night this week. One catch: his orgasm is off the menu. He can look at the whole week as a festival of you--his opportunity to do to you whatever it is he's been dreaming about. But penis-in-vag sex is out. No penis? But what will he do? He'll have to get creative, that's all. It'll be like a sexy puzzle for him, and meanwhile he'll relearn what he forgot about foreplay and pleasing his woman.
tnttim Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Quite having sex with him if he's objectifying you. You need to have some healthy boundaries, and that's a big one. Don't tell him why until he asks why, he will be in a way more suggestible state when he is questioning you. Thus it will stick in his mind longer, and he will be forced to ponder his old ways.
pillowtalk Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 Over the past few years, my drive has all but disappeared. Sex is all about him and I'm feeling much like a toaster that he pops his struedel into whenever he gets a hunger-on. I'm not liking it at all. We had this talk a few years ago and I told him that I need to be touched more with no strings attached because everytime he touches me, it is sexual in nature. Even when we go to bed and spoon, I have to be the big spoon because otherwise he wants to have sex and gets pissy with me. This lack of drive is not like me at all...I had a very healthy libido in previous relationships. This doesn't sound like an issue with your libido at all. What he is doing is obviously turning you off and you're developing a negative association with sex with him. If he doesn't change his sexual behavior towards you, you'll end up actually being repulsed by him (if not already). He told me the other night that he wants sex. He won't look outside the relationship for it but sees many opportunities to engage in that behaviour if he so wanted. I get the feeling that it won't take long before he does cross that line and that he has spent no small amount of time considering it. I want to fix this but I'm simply tired of taking one for the team... Of course he wants sex. We all want sex. You want sex, too, and he's not satisfying you. I don't like how he seems to be threatening to get it elsewhere if you don't provide it. That's not a response from a loving partner. I don't blame you a bit for being tired of "taking one for the team". Besides his sexual behavior, I wonder if there are other behaviors or aspects to his personality that are also a turn-off to you. You're doing the right thing by telling him directly what you do and don't like. He needs to listen and take you seriously, though, and be willing to change his behavior.
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