trum39 Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Okay before I get pelted with stones and rocks like the guy in the other post similar to this heres my story...Im 41 have 3 kids, divorced and am 120 kgs and have just had lapband surgery to lose weight. Ive recently met a girl online and then we met in person a week ago. I told her about the surgery I was having and she was fine about it all. She's gorgeous and I really like her but she is a bit overweight. Shes a size 14 in pants and a size 12 in tops which i know isnt that big at all. I dont like and never have liked skinny girls but for some reason it worries me a bit that this lovely girl is overweight. I know that I cant talk and I asked her if she cared I was overweight and she said it doesn't worry her and shes not shallow. either am I..Im fat myself...But it still worrys me that she is overweight. I really really want to be able to just forget about it..at my age I don't have mates to impress although shes very hot looking anyway and shes only 33 with perfect skin. So I don't want to hear.."Your a shallow bastard and she deserves better" I do intend to continue in a relationship with this woman..I just want some advice on not to be worried about her weight so much. I think that its not so much that I care but more so that I care about what other people might think or say about her. And at my age and weight this shouldn't be an issue.. So some advice would be appreciated...
Jersey Shortie Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I am confused, you clearly think she is attractive so what's the hang up on the weight? Is she heavier then you thought when yout met? You have a 33 year old, hot woman with perfect skin as you described and you're still unhappy. But you're not unhappy with you. you're unhappy with her body.
BettyBoop Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Are you worried about her health or that she will balloon into a size bigger than you? Either way I supposed the best way to deal with it is to create good habits together as a couple. Go hiking, on walks, go for bike rides, go to the gym as a date etc...eat healthy and don't take her to fast food places. Avoid staying indoors and sit on the couch.
Author trum39 Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 You think your confused?? How do you think I feel...LOL...Yes she is heavier than I thought when I first spoke to her..but not by much...Yes I am unhappy with me thats why i just had lapband surgery. She weighs around 87kgs and is 171 cm tall. I weigh 120 kg and am 174cm. I think my biggest problem is that Ive always been self conscious of my weight problem and think that people are judging me because I'm overweight..I'm worried that friends, work colleagues etc will make judgement because shes overweight. I would really like to have a "Who cares what they think" attitude but thats been my problem all my life..I worry too much about what other people think. So I suppose my real question should be..How do I stop worrying about what other people think???
norajane Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I'm worried that friends, work colleagues etc will make judgement because shes overweight. Real friends, people who care about you, will be happy that you've found someone you like and are happy to be with. They don't judge like you think they do. Just because YOU might judge, doesn't mean everyone else does. Strangers...really, we don't spend much time thinking about other people. Not nearly as much time as people think! Honestly, are you afraid to fall in love with her? Because it sounds like you're looking for an excuse to sabotage this relationship.
Author trum39 Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 Honestly, are you afraid to fall in love with her? Because it sounds like you're looking for an excuse to sabotage this relationship. You pose an interesting question there Norajane.. I came out of another relationship a few months back where I had fallen in love..Well I felt like I had...And got hurt..so maybe thats why I am doing this...I just don't think thats why..Who knows..thats why Im asking on here. I like your reply about strangers and true friends..It certainly makes sense..The last woman I was with certainly wasn't overweight at all and she turned out to be a nasty bitch so I suppose I should just think what would I prefer.
Lakeside_runner Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Here's a crazy idea... I don't know how long have you guys been together but how about training up and running a marathon (or at least a 1/2-marathon) together? It takes some time to build up to the level when you can run 26.2 (at least around 4 months) but the training itself is very rewarding and the whole experience gives you a sense of accomplishment. Running 35 miles/week in average creates a 3500 kcal gap which translates into loosing 1lb of fat per week. When I was training for my first marathon, I lost 25lbs. I'm 5'10" and went down from 176lbs to 151lbs... I would imagine that training as a couple would be a lot of fun and could be a nice bonding experience.
Jersey Shortie Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I think my biggest problem is that Ive always been self conscious of my weight problem and think that people are judging me because I'm overweight..I'm worried that friends, work colleagues etc will make judgement because shes overweight. I would really like to have a "Who cares what they think" attitude but thats been my problem all my life..I worry too much about what other people think. So I suppose my real question should be..How do I stop worrying about what other people think??? Well you have two options. Live your life for others and make choices based on what you think will make them most happy in their opinion of you. Or live your life for yourself and make choices based on what you think will make *you* most happy. Keep repeating the first part of my comments and see if that will ultimately make you happy. Key thing to keep in mind is that letting what others think of your choices both shows a lack of confidence and a bit of narcissm. Do you look down on other men whose partners aren't super model perfect? How would you feel if this woman felt bad being out in public with you based on what she thought others might think? Things to keep in mind.
jthorne Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Honestly, are you afraid to fall in love with her? Because it sounds like you're looking for an excuse to sabotage this relationship.I agree. This "issue" has more to do with you than it does with her. If she was perfectly nice and had a perfect body, but had some other non-visual issue (such as alcoholism), would you be worried what your "friends" think of her? Probably not. It seems that what's really at issue here is what your "friends" think of YOU, not what they think of HER. Maybe worried that they might think the "fat girl" is the best you can get? If your friends really think that, they aren't friends at all.
Author trum39 Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 Jersey Shortie...I do lack confidence and thats also a lot of my problem. I dont look down on others who have overweight partners and some of my friends do. I actually admire them as they don't care what other people think and do what they want. I struggled to meet woman online because I was worried about what they would think of my weight.When I finally did meet this girl she said she didnt care what I weighed. Living my life for me and being with her is what will make me happy...I just have to try and start thinking like that. Jthorne...Your comment "If she was perfectly nice and had a perfect body, but had some other non-visual issue (such as alcoholism), would you be worried what your "friends" think of her? Probably not." Is interesting.... before this my last GF did have a nice body, was very good looking but was a know all and hard to have a conversation with. Because of this I didn't introduce her to many of my friends. So again its probably not just the weight but more so me worried about what people will think..but if its what they think of me or her Im not really sure. But thanks to both of you for the replies..its certainly food for thought..
PrettyinInk Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 i think because of your current situation with trying to lose weight you are focusing a lot more on the apperance of others around you; this will happen, especially being that you are doing something as extreme as surgery to lose weight. if you like her you should like her regardless of how much she weighs, because *most likely* she is not going to get any smaller.
ADF Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 So you want an honest opinion, but you don't want to be criticized? Good luck with that. If you're not willing to listen to criticism, why bother asking for opinions? Just say you want affirmation and reassurance instead. Aside from that, I am not sure what the solution to your problem is. You seem to think a great deal of this woman, and even find her attractive. Yet, you're ambivelant becuase she isn't quite up to your rather rigorous standards. Did you know that the AVERAGE size for women in the US is between 12 and 14? Also, you're 41, not 21. I would think that men our age (I am 40) would have discovered by now that beauty is a bit overrated. I'm sorry, but there is just no way to get around saying this: you're shallow. Whatever good qualities this woman has, none seem as important to you as what she looks like. This woman sounds wonderfully confident and comfortable in her own body. I can just see you badgering her about her weight throughout the entire course of your relationship. That could destroy her comfort with and confidence in herself. I'd find someone else. I'm afraid you two are a bad match.
norajane Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I dont look down on others who have overweight partners and some of my friends do. I actually admire them as they don't care what other people think and do what they want. Then why in the world would you think they'd look down on you for dating someone who is overweight? That makes no sense at all. Anyway, they'll probably meet your gf and think she's beautiful and charming and think you're a lucky man for dating a beautiful, charming, younger woman.
marsle85 Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Here's a crazy idea... I don't know how long have you guys been together but how about training up and running a marathon (or at least a 1/2-marathon) together? It takes some time to build up to the level when you can run 26.2 (at least around 4 months) but the training itself is very rewarding and the whole experience gives you a sense of accomplishment. Running 35 miles/week in average creates a 3500 kcal gap which translates into loosing 1lb of fat per week. When I was training for my first marathon, I lost 25lbs. I'm 5'10" and went down from 176lbs to 151lbs... I would imagine that training as a couple would be a lot of fun and could be a nice bonding experience. Hey! I have always wanted to train to run a marathon. Problem is, i've NEVER been a runner. I ran a lot for my swim team (I guess 3 miles isn't a lot to you) but once I was FIT, running seemed more boring than it did hard anymore... so I know I can get to that level. But as of now, I am NOT in shape to run, and would love to know your experience training for a half marathon. As for you dude, the reason why you're having a problem now is because you had the surgery. You feel like "I did something, don't I deserve someone who does something too?" But there is no difference between you two, other than she has hopes of potentially burning off the weight with diet and exercise... I'm not saying there's anything wrong with having the surgery - I'm saying you should start expecting the same workout frequencies and diet control as you would like her to have ideally. I think you'll find yourself more sympathetic and more in shape! Tell her after you had the surgery you're looking to get healthy and more fit... tell her you're not sure if you can do it alone, and if she'd like to try to work off...say 10 lbs with you. Make obtainable goals. This could be good for both of you.
quankanne Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 :laugh: just kidding, man ... just providing a bit of levity (I hope) congrats on the lapband surgery, it's been a year since mine, and I'll be honest: I only did it to get off the insulin because I realized there wasn't anything else after you get on insulin, you know? and maybe this is the focus you need when you consider weight issues (hers and yours) – not really size, per se, but overall health. Because I'll tell you what, it makes the goal of weight loss much easier than to just focus on image when you're not looking at yourself (or others) with disgust because the perfect shape isn't there. that said, I like the suggestion of some of the other posters: Instead of fixating on the fact that she's an average-sized woman, encourage her to be at her personal best, health-wise. Believe me, as a fat chick, it's much easier to be open to advice about health when it's not wrapped up in weight issues. When I finally did meet this girl she said she didnt care what I weighed. Living my life for me and being with her is what will make me happy ... I just have to try and start thinking like that. yes, you really do. STOP fixating on body image because you'll never be happy, even when you look really fine to others. Focus on your health (mental and physical) and allow yourself to enjoy a relationship with a gal who sounds like she's got her head screwed on tight! best of luck to you, man! q
Author trum39 Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 @ ADF..Constructive criticism is good. I just didnt want to cop a barrage... because I want to stay with this girl and am asking for help to be able to do that.. @norajane..Most of my famiy have met her and said exactly that. My dad thinks shes wonderful...But If I knew the answer to why I feel the way I do then I wouldn't be asking for help on here..I dont know why I feel this way..I just do. Shes absolutely gorgeous and had more than 700 emails on a dating site she was on in one week and I feel privileged that she replied to mine and eventually started seeing me. And the fact that shes 33 when Im 41 is also a huge confidence boost for me. @marsle85...She wants to lose 10 kgs and wants to go walking and do other activities with me to help me lose weight too. So thats all good... Its just until then I need to get over how I feel...but just posting and listening to you all tell me what a stupid idiot I am is really helping a lot...so thanks.
Bartender Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 She's probably on some other dating site right now saying "I really like this guy but he's a little too old for me, divorced and has 3 kids!!" Just sayin:cool:
Author trum39 Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 Thanks Quankanne...I to have diabetes type 2 and high blood pressure due to my weight. I like your idea about focusing on the healht issues and will give that a try. Shes happy to walk with me to help me and encourage me so at the same time shes doing something positive for herself too I guess.
quankanne Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 sounds like you've struck gold, my man – anyone willing to help you attain your goal of a healthier lifestyle, especially who's willing to join in, is a gift, IMO. honestly? It kind of sounds like you're afraid of this relationship because it sounds a little good to be true right now, so you're subconsciously looking for a way to find fault where there really is none. Don't do that to yourself; you deserve a shot at a good relationship with this gal ...
norajane Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 honestly? It kind of sounds like you're afraid of this relationship because it sounds a little good to be true right now, so you're subconsciously looking for a way to find fault where there really is none. Don't do that to yourself; you deserve a shot at a good relationship with this gal ... Yes, this is screaming of intimacy issues, or fear of rejection, or something. Because his family has already met her and think she's great, his friends are happily dating overweight people, and he's attracted to her and she's terrific. So this fear of what people will say has no actual basis in reality - "people" are already saying he's a lucky man.
mikarla Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 ^I'm an Australian size 12-14 and when I was in the States I bought size 8-10 clothes. You need to get over it OP. As a woman who sounds like a similar size to your potential girlfriend (although I am taller and weigh nearly 10 kgs less) I am pretty offended on her behalf. If you find her attractive, who cares what shallow so-called friends think about her. I know that not caring is a lot easier said then done, because as social beings we seek the approval of others, but we shouldn't derail our own possible happiness to appear more acceptable to others. To be honest it sounds like you've struck gold with this girl, don't ruin it.
Romance Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 You're still being an a$$. Clearly since you needed lapban surgery, you're quite overweight yourself, so you're going have reservations about being with a girl who isn't a perfect size 4? Regardless of if you're going to keep dating her or not, you're shallow and she DOES deserve someone better.
Romance Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 ^I'm an Australian size 12-14 and when I was in the States I bought size 8-10 clothes. You need to get over it OP. As a woman who sounds like a similar size to your potential girlfriend (although I am taller and weigh nearly 10 kgs less) I am pretty offended on her behalf. If you find her attractive, who cares what shallow so-called friends think about her. I know that not caring is a lot easier said then done, because as social beings we seek the approval of others, but we shouldn't derail our own possible happiness to appear more acceptable to others. To be honest it sounds like you've struck gold with this girl, don't ruin it. Oh wow it's a size 8/10 in the Us? and he's upset about a girl that size?!?! that's not even fat..wow.
SilentVoice Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I don't have the patience to read what others have written in this thread. So I am not to sure of your updates and discussions pass the original post. But I understand what you are getting at . Like you, I am preparing to have WLS surgery(VSG) in exactly a month actually. Like me I think you are worried how she will be able to cope with the life style changes. As in food not being a hobby and dates not based around food. If that is what you are hinting at I will say you should talk to her about it. Not change her or anything but see if is on the same track as you. Since I know with surgery you need all the support you can get and I personally don't think you don't need the extra distraction. But if she is someone you see yourself with just discuss it with her. I wish you all the best and a healthy post-op life.
mikarla Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Oh wow it's a size 8/10 in the Us? and he's upset about a girl that size?!?! that's not even fat..wow. Haha, agreed. Hence why I'm a little offended on her behalf. It's not thin by any standards, but I'm quite fit and muscular so I think it all evens out.
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