Aberrant Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 When is it time to stop trying? * Here is the short version of my story.* My wife works nights, had an affair with a co-worker.* At first I thought it was over but through marriage counseling we decided to work things out and everything seems to be working.* When we decided to work things out, I wanted two things.* First, no more contact with the other man.* Second, no more night shift- it leaves us with no time together when she works (which is very hard on me) and the sleep issues make her depressed and grouchy.* Most of our problems can be traced to when she began working nights.* She agreed to these two things but wanted me to know that it would take a few months to get back on day shift and that she heard through the grapevine her co-worker was moving away.* I did a lot of things to change my schedule to spend more time with her too- I gave up a lot of opportunities and changed my future career trajectory pretty significantly by working less hours and not being available for certain jobs, etc., so that when she was off work, we could spend more time together. * So, here I am seven months past “make up” and she is picking up extra shifts on dates when the other man works (including mother’s day which we have always spent with our family) and she is still on nights, claiming that she can’t get on days, or that a day position in that unit will open up soon.* Just as a little additional background there are numerous day shift positions in her field open at her workplace according to their website, but not in her unit. * Right now things are going OK relationship-wise except for the issues above.* We are getting along pretty well, sometimes great, mostly good or very good.* The only thing causing stress between us is when I get upset or become distant because of these issues.* When I talk to her about why she is taking extra shifts when he is there, she makes excuses and acts like it is my fault that this upsets me.* * I don’t know what to do.* Should I just keep on trudging along and hope things will get better because she knows all this upsets me? *Do I make an ultimatum that she not see him anymore and get on day shift?* (I wanted to do that 6 months ago but was convinced by marriage counselor to wait and see if things worked themselves out) Or is it time to break up, do I tell her to call me when she is ready to try? * Anyone here been in a similar situation? *
Author Aberrant Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 I have no idea what is up with the stars. I'm posting from an iPhone
northstar1 Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Second chances are tough, particularly when the same issues are still there at any level. Until she can make the changes with her shifts to put you at ease, it is going to be impossible for things to run smoothly. I think you need to have a talk and tell her what you want and if she cannot possibly do this, then you might want to think about a change.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 You may wish to tell her that you are giving her one month to make the necessary changes (her unit or not) and that otherwise you will be separated. Don't get moody or upset about it. Make this your wife's choice. If she truly wants the relationship she will find the way to make the appropriate changes, if not, why want her? Tell her that a seperation doesn't necessarily mean that its over, it just means that you don't wish to keep trying to make your heart vulnerable while she is thumbing in your face the very conditions you made in order to keep the relationship. Explain to her that you have made career changes and sacrifices and that if you had known it would take this long and that the co-worker would still be working shifts with her at this point, you would have said no seven months ago. Make a boundary and make it her choice whether or not she wishes to respect it or not. Stand FIRM.
RobD70 Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I had something similar happen to me. My wife left the OM and came back BUT had to maintain LC with the OM because of work. After about 6 months and her not really putting in 100% (we were doing good but I felt she kept her distance) she up and left again and started dating the OM. As long as there are unresolved feelings for the OM and there is contact you will never really have her. The fact she isn’t emphasizing with your feelings about her still working with him is very telling. If she seems annoyed that you are upset then her heart simply isn’t into it. Odds are she is going to leave you, it’s just a matter of time. Your best course of action is to beat her to the punch. Tell her you are not happy with the current situation and you don’t feel like enough has changed or she hasn’t been putting enough effort into the relationship so you think it’s best to separate. Doing that before she up and leaves gives you the power and may cause her to rethink what she’s doing. The only way reconciliation can work in this case is if she practically hates the OM (like in my case, we did reconcile in the end). She needs to show you with actions that she wants it to work with you two, not just say it.
ADF Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 You may wish to tell her that you are giving her one month to make the necessary changes (her unit or not) and that otherwise you will be separated. Don't get moody or upset about it. Make this your wife's choice. If she truly wants the relationship she will find the way to make the appropriate changes, if not, why want her? Tell her that a seperation doesn't necessarily mean that its over, it just means that you don't wish to keep trying to make your heart vulnerable while she is thumbing in your face the very conditions you made in order to keep the relationship. Explain to her that you have made career changes and sacrifices and that if you had known it would take this long and that the co-worker would still be working shifts with her at this point, you would have said no seven months ago. Make a boundary and make it her choice whether or not she wishes to respect it or not. Stand FIRM. This is exactly right. Set a firm time limit, and move out if she doesn't stick to it. By taking her back after she cheated, you already indicated--unintentionally, of course--that she can get away with darn near anything. I suspect if you don't stand firm this time, she'll just figure you'll let slide.
evangeline6 Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 I tried to give my boyfriend of seven years another chance after he took a trip to another state with another woman. He lied about the trip and told me the truth when he got back. He wasn't apologetic, he wouldn't stop contacting her. He acts like I'm being annoying and jealous. So I ended it...again. I'm sick of feeling like I can't trust him. Occasionally I do stupid things, like call him (this just happened three weeks ago) but I always regret it. I thought I could forgive him, but my heart is telling me that he went too far. I can't tell you what you should do. Trust is an important thing to have in a relationship and she has to work to regain that. If you get back with a significant other and there is no trust, the same issues resurface.
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