collegemommy Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 This is probably going to be the most random thing to post but I really don't understand and maybe I'm just over thinking it. Last night, I went out on a "date." It was more like me and a guy friend hanging out but I know how much this guy likes me. He knows about my recent break-up and he has just been trying to get me out of the house so I stop feeling bad. I'm not attracted to him at all. He's a nice guy but I'm not really attracted to anyone at the moment. The thought of me kissing or sleeping with anyone else makes me sick. So anyway, as I was getting ready my ex stopped by. He had to pick up something. He called me when he was out front of my house so I walked out. He checked me out, seriously. Asked where I was going and asked why I was trying to impress this friend of mine. I gave short answers and then turned around and walked in the house. He was still looking at me as he drove away... This morning my ex sends a text asking why I gave him the heating bill too. I said it was an accident, drop it off to his mom, and I would pick it up later this weekend (his mom lives 10 mins from my house). He then asks me how the date went. I shouldn't have answered but I did. Said it went great. He asked why I didn't text to let him know I was home. Told him I was a big girl and could take care of myself. He said he worries about me still. Ok, whatever. He then asks if me and my friend kissed. Again, should not have said a word but told him no. My friend tried and got shot down. Ok so here is where I need the help. He proceeds to tell me that he is glad that I am not kissing guys. He says I should only be kissing girls. What? I asked if he wanted me to become a lesbian and he said yes. I asked why and he just said because it would be less stressful. What does that mean? I'm over analyzing a stupid convo but I just want to know why he would want me to start dating girls??
mickleb Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I would have thought the answer was obvious: rather than threaten him, he'd get turned on. But here's the next obvious thought: the guy's a d*ckhead. And the next: stop talking to him. Concentrate on doing the right thing for your child: being civil/businesslike, and nothing more. x
sally4sara Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Does you ex have any reason to think you'd be interested in a relationship with a woman? Are you bi, bi-curious, had a girlfriend in the past you played with or you've mentioned wanting to seek that out? If you have given him some reason to think you'd be into it, I can see why he would hope you would. 1. No guy coming around replacing him as daddy and vying for the kid's attention 2. No worry that someone you'd be dating would get crazy violent and hurt you and the kid. It could happen with a woman sure, but less likely and less likely you'd be unable to physically stop them. But this also means, he doesn't respect your ability to choose a good man who would be acceptable in your life. And it also means, yeah, your ex is likely a selfish d**khead. And it also means he thinks he couldn't be replaced by a woman.
Author collegemommy Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 Does you ex have any reason to think you'd be interested in a relationship with a woman? Are you bi, bi-curious, had a girlfriend in the past you played with or you've mentioned wanting to seek that out? If you have given him some reason to think you'd be into it, I can see why he would hope you would. 1. No guy coming around replacing him as daddy and vying for the kid's attention 2. No worry that someone you'd be dating would get crazy violent and hurt you and the kid. It could happen with a woman sure, but less likely and less likely you'd be unable to physically stop them. But this also means, he doesn't respect your ability to choose a good man who would be acceptable in your life. And it also means, yeah, your ex is likely a selfish d**khead. And it also means he thinks he couldn't be replaced by a woman. Before he and I dated, I had made out with some girls and even went a little farther with one. I wouldn't say I'm bi. I do however find girls attractive, not in the I want to sleep with them way. Just appreciate the female form... If that makes sense. He has never been one for girl-on-girl action, says it's not a turn on. So I don't know if he was full of it all these years or what...
sally4sara Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I don't think he would need to be turned on by the idea for him to still prefer you date women. It is likely more a feel he has out of not having as much regard for same sex relationships, or same sex relationships between women as he does with a male-female partnership. He doesn't believe a woman could come into your life in a fully satisfying and mutually beneficial way. He doesn't think your shared kid could become as attached to a female partner as he might to another man. He likes this alternative because in his head, it keeps him as an exclusive male resource to the child. As well, he might hope to later take custody and thinks you being in a gay relationship would make it easier for him to achieve. He would worry less about a woman mistreating the kid than he would a man. And he probably likes the idea of him being the last man in your life.
Ilovecake Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 It means your ex is a self centered scumbag. I absolutely can’t get my head around why you are giving your ex so much information about your personal life? The fact that he asks is creepy enough but the fact that you actually answer these questions is just bizarre.
norajane Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 It means your ex is a self centered scumbag. I absolutely can’t get my head around why you are giving your ex so much information about your personal life? The fact that he asks is creepy enough but the fact that you actually answer these questions is just bizarre. Totally agree. Your ex is jealous/competitive and doesn't want you dating men and replacing him. You're supposed to pine away for his highness forever and ever and ever and never even think about other men. A woman doesn't elicit the same kind of jealousy and competitiveness in him. Now why you care what this controlling ass thinks about your dating life, I don't know. Stop telling him about your personal life. It's none of his business.
Author collegemommy Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 I know you are right about not speaking to him. I shouldn't want to give details but I do. It's not like I met this guy randomly. I've been friends with him my whole life. We have always given personal information. It's just what we do. I know that once a relationship ends, it's a different story and I should move on. Like he said to me once, "we didn't break up because we didn't love each other, we broke up because we were both so unhappy." I have an immense amount of love for this person. If there were a stronger word for love, that's probably how I would feel. Do I know that the he doesn't deserve me? Yes. Do I know that we have an unhealthy and toxic relationship? Absolutely. Do I know that I should be running for the hills at this point? You bet. All of these things I know and accept. I just can't shake my feelings. I try. I try hard but sometimes, he just knows what to say to pull me right back in...
GrayClouds Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 It is not that complicated if you think like a guy. He is wanting his cake and eat it too. He does not want to be with you but he does not want other "GUY" to be with you either. collegemommy it is time to get serious. Tell him not stopping by without prior notice, tell yourself no more personal conversations. It time for full fledge NPC: No Personal Contact.
ADF Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Your ex is simply jealous. He hates the idea of you being with another guy, even if you and he are no longer together. The fact he wants you to date women instead is an example of the fact most male jealousy is not about women per se. Male jealousy is mostly about men competing with each other.
Ilovecake Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 If there were a stronger word for love, that's probably how I would feel. There is, it's called obsession. You talk like you have absolutely no control over your feelings, that's not true at all. You can't control what other people do and say but you sure as heck can control what you do and say. At this point it sounds like you're choosing to torture yourself by staying connected to someone who doesn't want to be your boyfriend. Sooner or later you'll get sick of him bossing you around while not giving you anything in return, but it will take some time. The amount of time it takes completely depends on you and the actions you chose to take.
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