Author Destroyed Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 Yes. We have been planning to re-locate for a while now. Now it's inevitable. I have been terrified at work that everyone will figure out what is going on. I don't mention the other woman because I really didn't have much feeling for her other than hanging out and then on 4 occassions masturbating in front of one another. My wife says it makes her sick to think about it; it makes me sick to think of her having to think about it. We hung out, watched the games, went hiking and bowling once. My wife told me what hurts worse than the fact that I was sexually intimate with her is the fact that she can see, we talked at texted all the time. I know this is no excuse and that's not what I'm trying to make here; but we weren't even really that into one another. Just, got drunk and out of control a couple of times. From our phone bill she can see that we were even texting and talking during our vacations last year. I don't know why I didn't call this off sooner; I kinda justified it by saying to myself, We aren't having sex. I told my co-worker that we could no longer be friends as soon as my wife called me at work with her discovery, I spoke to her the day afterwards about it again and that has been the extent of our contact. I worry that maybe I should just leave; because I'm worried about my wife, She's not eating right. She'll go all day without eating, says she's not hungry. She tosses and turns all night. Damn. What a fool, I am. I was thinking my co-worker was going to slap me today, we work on the same floor; but not in the same department. I really have no desire to be around, talk, or look at her anymore. As for my wife looking like a nut. What intiated the email was my co-worker calling my wife (who's the nut) and trying to guarantee her that we never had intercourse and that I love my family. My wife says that my co-worker laughed at one point. (I'm sure it was nervous laughter) but anyway, that just re-ignited the flame for that day. I walked into my house from work to that confrontation. I hear my wife saying, what kind of woman are you; that you would knowingly be sleeping with my husband? Why were you texting him at 3 in the morning? Why were yo on our vacations? My co-worker must have mentioned something about my responsibility in the matter and I hear my wife say, oh, we aren't discussing Magne we are discussing you and how you are being the stereotypical type of woman that gets along with no other woman; the exact kind of woman I am trying so hard to teach my girls not to be like. All I could do was shake my head. What the hell have I done?
PhoenixRise Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Yep I can see how your wife would have felt like she needed to retaliate if the OW called her and came off in any way condescending. Or trying to minimize your wife's feelings by saying it was ONLY masturbation... AND if she laughed during a conversation that had to be gut wrenchingly painful to your wife, I am just surprised that all she did was send an email. OW got off lucky and so did you. Why would you talk to and text another woman so much if you really didn't have feelings for her? Why do this if you two really were not that into each other? Why stay in contact with OW while on your family vacation? I don't understand. AND if this is what you are telling your wife in the face of the evidence of lots and lots of contact between you and OW I can see why she would have a hard time believing it.
Author Destroyed Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 We really weren't into each other like that. I liked hanging out with her. My wife as I stated is tall and beautiful. Whereever we go, she's complimented by men and women. Are you a model........ She is in no way conceited, as always the beautiful ones can't see their beauty. I'm not bad, but, I'm an inch or two shorter and where she has gained not one pound after four kids, I added a few pounds. When we go out with one another, I withdraw. This other woman was shorter than me. Resembled my wife a bit. I know this sounds terrible, but I re-read what I'm writing and it says so much. Hmmm....... She's attractive. And we can just joke around with each other. I can honestly say, I don't miss her so there is no possibility of it starting up again. I'm sure she wants to kick my ass. This had to be a very tough day for her. Boy, lol; my wife, I didn't know she had it in her. I could talk to my co-worker about what went on at work and she would understand and talk. Not saying my wife is dumb; but, talking about my work to someone that doesn't work with me can be boring. What I've realised is all that time and energy, I could have been flirting with my wife like she was telling me she needed. She told me.
aeh Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 We really weren't into each other like that. I liked hanging out with her. My wife as I stated is tall and beautiful. Whereever we go, she's complimented by men and women. Are you a model........ She is in no way conceited, as always the beautiful ones can't see their beauty. I'm not bad, but, I'm an inch or two shorter and where she has gained not one pound after four kids, I added a few pounds. When we go out with one another, I withdraw. This other woman was shorter than me. Resembled my wife a bit. I know this sounds terrible, but I re-read what I'm writing and it says so much. Hmmm....... She's attractive. And we can just joke around with each other. I can honestly say, I don't miss her so there is no possibility of it starting up again. I'm sure she wants to kick my ass. This had to be a very tough day for her. Boy, lol; my wife, I didn't know she had it in her. I could talk to my co-worker about what went on at work and she would understand and talk. Not saying my wife is dumb; but, talking about my work to someone that doesn't work with me can be boring. What I've realised is all that time and energy, I could have been flirting with my wife like she was telling me she needed. She told me. I am very interested in what you have to say. So, how did it develop between you and the OW? You're just friend and then you start thinking she is attractive? How does it develop? And how, when your very attractive wife is actually coming to you and telling her she needs you, etc...you willingly choose to ignore this and go to your OW? Why?
BlindbyLove Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Man, that's messed up. You should be even glad that she is even still around. And don't think for a moment that this is over or will be over anytime soon. I went through something simular about 2 yrs ago but with me, I just had chatroom sex with some woman and got caught. she went throught the same things you discribed with not eating, not sleeping well, etc. and eventually when she left(a couple of months ago) she let it be known to me that even after all that time, she still havn't been able to completely let it go. Take the advice from other members and do whatever it takes.... new job, relocating, whatever to save your marriage because there's not anything or enough money in this world that can replace the love in your heart if she decides to go.
Snowflower Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 This other woman was shorter than me. Resembled my wife a bit. I know this sounds terrible, but I re-read what I'm writing and it says so much. Hmmm....... She's attractive. And we can just joke around with each other. I can honestly say, I don't miss her so there is no possibility of it starting up again. I'm sure she wants to kick my ass. This had to be a very tough day for her. Destroyed, can you clarify this...who do you think wanted to kick your a**? Your W or the OW? It was a tough day for who? Your W or the OW? Boy, lol; my wife, I didn't know she had it in her. I hope you're not ridiculing your wife's reaction here? She is darn angry right now, understandably. It sounds like she is showing some restraint. I could talk to my co-worker about what went on at work and she would understand and talk. Not saying my wife is dumb; but, talking about my work to someone that doesn't work with me can be boring. What I've realised is all that time and energy, I could have been flirting with my wife like she was telling me she needed. She told me. Sorry, too lazy to block-quote your message...I added my words in bold above. I am also interested in hearing what it was about TALKING to the OW that was so important to you. I'm not being snarky at all, please believe that. My H said much the same thing afterward...that he wasted a lot of time and energy talking to the OW and he didn't fully understand why, at least at first. Neither did I, obviously. What is so important about talking to the AP? What did you feel when you talked to her so much...even if it was about work?
Author Destroyed Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 I just felt free from. I love my wife; but all the dis-connect had gotten the best of both of us. There was no fight; we just went on and accepted. I wasn't out with this woman alot physically. And I understand. It felt good to have someone think I was funny without any other attachments. I love my family; I just got caught up in the dating feeling--even though I had no intentions of leaving my wife or sleeping with her. It was just. I was weak.
whichwayisup Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Ego feed and liking the attention from someone else other than your spouse. And then you took it too far. It ruined a friendship, you two crossed the lines and now there's a huge fallout. Focus on your wife and please, don't put her down. By comparing her to the OW, what the OW did for you, how the OW listened to you ... Ask yourself this, would that OW be there for you, holding your head over the can if you were throwing up? Holding your hand and giving you support if there was an emergency? To love you, flaws and all? My guess is no. First sign of "life being too hard, too much responsibility" the OW would bail on you, or you on her since it was/is ALL based on selfish feelings and ego.
tnttim Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Now is your time to tote that cross alone through the desert. Why are you downplaying the fact you cheated on your wife, do even realize it is cheating. How would you feel if your wife told you she masterbated in front of a neighbor, and shared special feelings with them?
BlueeyedJonesy Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 Good for your wife. just like she feels like she has lost everything...you feel like you could lose your job! now imagine that feeling times 1000! This wreckless little relationship you had was all about you, and some woman (didn't matter who) obviously gave you attention..and you just couldn't walk away like a man. Your wife deserves a man. Can you give that to her? if not, then don't even bother.
Iconoclast Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 I see smatterings of real remorse in your postings. That's what is necessary, not guilt, remorse. This is all your doing. Your wife is innocent. She is in trauma, pain, you can see it, but will not really understand its depth. That's OK, but acknowledge it. That means realizing your behavior is the cause, and you must now put ALL your effort into repairing that which you have broken. Be humble and empathic, ask her what you need to do to fix this, give her the confidence that you will. That's how you begin to regain her trust. Just a start. Everything begins somewhere.
hopesndreams Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 I worry that maybe I should just leave; because I'm worried about my wife, She's not eating right. She'll go all day without eating, says she's not hungry. She tosses and turns all night. Damn. What a fool, I am Yeah, leave. Let her have her freedom. Once she is over the worst of the trauma you have put her through and better understands what a low life snake you've been, the M is over anyway. In the meantime, she suffers and you, you're "destroyed"? Please.
Brokenlady Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 Ah...that critical detail - that the OW called your W, now it makes sense. OW gets what she deserves on that one. If she was really and truly just trying to cover your as*, which I sincerely doubt, she would have asked you/talked to you about it first. No, she wanted to find out if your W was leaving you, find out if you're leaving your W, or just to gloat. That's really low. There is something to what hopesndreams says - it's exceedingly hard, if not impossible, for women to "get over" an affair. It's the kind of thing that will haunt your life for a long time to come. So what of this talk of leaving your wife? It sounds like you're tempted to hit the escape hatch button because you don't want to deal with the mess you made. But honestly, it doesn't sound like you want to leave your wife. The best thing I can say is that there is no easy solution here...none of this is going to go away just because you choose to not deal with it. If you truly want to repair things with your wife, then accept that you have a tough road ahead of you and prepare to do a lot of hard work.
You Go Girl Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 Sorry, OP, but...... BRAVO TO YOUR WIFE FOR THE EMAIL! Why should she cower and hide over your bad behavior? I love it when a spouse has enough gall to ruffle some feathers instead of just sitting there crying all day long. I want to hear what happened with the email. Certainly someone at work is going to talk about it. Did you contact IT and have it removed from everyone's mailbox?
sally4sara Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 How's the other woman doing? I'm sure she must have been thrilled to have this sent to her place of business. Did she discuss the email with you? Much like OW say "its not my marriage or any vows I made", the OW's job wasn't any job the BS dedicated time to or counts on in her life. Who cares how their marriage was doing? = Who cares how the OW is doing?
jnj express Posted May 10, 2010 Posted May 10, 2010 Hey destroyed----you have a weird way of showing things----such as I love my wife, and then you go and pleasure yourself in front of another woman.----Is that what you call love for your wife. Also my A. was reckless---how about stupid, would be the mildest thing I could think of. What are you some immature teen--ager--- here you are blatting on OH WOE IS ME--I HAVE THIS PROBLEM AND THAT PROBLEM. You were not just dropped on this planet yesterday---YOU KNOW DAM WELL WHAT CARNAGE A's CAUSE. Don't think for one minute cuz you didn't exchange fluids, that you didn't have sex. Your wife reacted with the E-Mail, that reaction was what came to her mind in dealing with your stupidity, and the partner who went along with you on your ride into destruction. If there were marital problems, you were not man enuff to sit down and talk to your wife, as she tried to GET YOU TO DO---no you had to go and screw around with yourself in front of another woman. You have wrecked your wife's life forever---nothing will be the same. Did you want a medal pinned on you for that. You need to try and do what is right to fix it, and leave your wife alone in how she deals with your stupidity. She needs to do what is best for her to get thru this, and you need to back her play whatever it is, to the hilt.
Samantha0905 Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 That's the last person he should be talking to. His wife's feelings are more important than the OW who also knew what she was doing by having an affair with a married co-worker. Sorry -- haven't been following up on this thread in a timely manner. I didn't mean he should seek her out. I just assumed she may have had something to say to him -- probably not nice -- after that email arrived at her play of employment. I'm not defending her -- or him -- I'm just saying it seems that would have been the natural reaction.
Samantha0905 Posted May 11, 2010 Posted May 11, 2010 Yes. We have been planning to re-locate for a while now. Now it's inevitable. I have been terrified at work that everyone will figure out what is going on. I don't mention the other woman because I really didn't have much feeling for her other than hanging out and then on 4 occassions masturbating in front of one another. My wife says it makes her sick to think about it; it makes me sick to think of her having to think about it. We hung out, watched the games, went hiking and bowling once. My wife told me what hurts worse than the fact that I was sexually intimate with her is the fact that she can see, we talked at texted all the time. I know this is no excuse and that's not what I'm trying to make here; but we weren't even really that into one another. Just, got drunk and out of control a couple of times. From our phone bill she can see that we were even texting and talking during our vacations last year. I don't know why I didn't call this off sooner; I kinda justified it by saying to myself, We aren't having sex. I told my co-worker that we could no longer be friends as soon as my wife called me at work with her discovery, I spoke to her the day afterwards about it again and that has been the extent of our contact. ............. I walked into my house from work to that confrontation. I hear my wife saying, what kind of woman are you; that you would knowingly be sleeping with my husband? Why were you texting him at 3 in the morning? Why were yo on our vacations? My co-worker must have mentioned something about my responsibility in the matter and I hear my wife say, oh, we aren't discussing Magne we are discussing you and how you are being the stereotypical type of woman that gets along with no other woman; the exact kind of woman I am trying so hard to teach my girls not to be like. All I could do was shake my head. What the hell have I done? This all sounds rather bizarre and a tad unbelievable to me. So, you two were together alone and you ONLY masturbated in front of one another? That's very strange. I mean -- not the masturbating in front of a sexual partner part -- the not actually also consummating the lustful moment. Much like OW say "its not my marriage or any vows I made", the OW's job wasn't any job the BS dedicated time to or counts on in her life. Who cares how their marriage was doing? = Who cares how the OW is doing? Read my post above. I was merely inquiring as to what was going on with her after the infamous email.
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