Destroyed Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Yesterday my wife emailed many of my work colleagues this: This is a warning to all of you about one of your co-workers named ______________. Attention all married women she will secretly date, call, text, and have in-appropriate contact with you SO/Husband. Married men you be aware to that she will seek you out under the guise of friendship all the while scheming to help and assist you in destroying your marriage. I just thought that you would like to be aware of the type of people you work with. My wife found out less than a month ago that I had been having a relationship with this woman since December 2008 and needless to say she is pissed. I know all of you are going to say that I am lying; but we did not have sex, as in the exchanging of bodily fluids, I've never even kissed her. However, we did talk dirty and masturbate in front of each other. We also texted and talked an awful lot; which my wife has confirmed through checking our cell phone bill. I have told her everything she asked. I am so sorry. I asked her not to bring this up to my job; but she told me that since this woman has wanted to be the third party in our marriage for all this time; there is no need to leave her out of all the misery. I am so afraid I am going to lose my job. If they check the IP address I am toast. Why doesn't she care if I lose my job? We still need money, affair or not. I have worked so hard for this position and she is trying to destroy me. I am on my way to work right now, thinking the other woman is going to go off on me and embarrass me. Why did my wife do this? I mean I know why, but this was totally reckless.
Hopefullyjaded Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 You completely leveled everything she has worked her whole life to build. Everything is gone. It amazes me that you can't see why she wants to give you a sample of what she is living. So you may have some serious professional setbacks. She will have set backs in every part of her life. I realize you are not sending things directly to her job but I am sure her distraction with the total destruction of everything she counted on will manifest itself in her job performance. I have no doubt she will take some personal time off and still have to fight herself to maintain her composure through her work day. The lack of sleep that usually results in such mournful times will also impact her when she is trying to concentrate on work. That is the sort of thing that can also cost a person their job. The truth is that you are still only experiencing a small fraction of the hell you have made her life. I can almost guarantee she has no respect for you anymore but if you whine to her about this she will just think even less of you (trust me it is possible).
aeh Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Destroyed, My life as I knew it was destroyed, too. But unlike you, I didn't ask for it, and I didn't get some temporary joy or satisfaction before it was destroyed. My H had an A with a married coworker. We have reconciled for the most part, but I obviously still have issues, at a year out from when I found out. I still think daily about outing the other woman. The only thing that has stopped me is that I feel I would be shooting myself in the foot should anything happen to my H's job. Cutting off my nose to spite my face. But I cannot tell you how many times I have been thisclose to outing her--going to her husband, etc. which would then very likely due to the work situation make big trouble for my H...which in turn would make big trouble for me. I cannot tell you how many times I have nearly done this and I think about it ALL the time, even though my H and I are on very good terms (if you don't count the inner devastation I still feel when I look at him and the intermittent rage that boils beneath the surface!) I chose other self-destructive paths when I found out by having a revenge affair. But the thing that appalls me is that this woman went along her merry way...not feeling any of the pain or devastation..her world wasn't rocked to the core the way mine was. She had no consequences. I totally get what your wife is doing. Remember, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Keep us updated on your situation.
Fouts Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Your wife blames the other woman and you blame your wife. What's more important to you, the job or the wife? I'm guessing the job.
Author Destroyed Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 Your wife blames the other woman and you blame your wife. What's more important to you, the job or the wife? I'm guessing the job. Oh, Trust me, she blames me. But, she explained this to me very carefully that; this co-worker knew from the jump, that I was married, just as I did. And that it was a pre-meditated attack on her, her family, and her marriage; by the both of us and that the both of us are responsible for all that happens hence-forth. She then went on to say, everyone involved is going to feel uncomfortable. I'm feeling like I'm going to lose both.
Samantha0905 Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 How's the other woman doing? I'm sure she must have been thrilled to have this sent to her place of business. Did she discuss the email with you?
whichwayisup Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Start looking for another job. Your wife will never begin to trust you as long as you still work with the OW. Put yourself in your wife's shoes, reverse the situation.. How would YOU feel if it were your wife cheating and doing what you did, and then still continued to work with the other man! Consquences are high and it's shame you didn't consider the fallout before you chose to cheat on your wife. There's no need to talk to the OW, whatever it is what happened between you two is over and not going to happen again. Right? Get to counseling with your wife and sort things out.
whichwayisup Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 How's the other woman doing? I'm sure she must have been thrilled to have this sent to her place of business. Did she discuss the email with you? That's the last person he should be talking to. His wife's feelings are more important than the OW who also knew what she was doing by having an affair with a married co-worker.
PhoenixRise Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I think your wife posted a thread here a few days ago. If I am right then she is incredibly hurt and entirely devestated. She feels that her life has been turned upside down and everything she thought she knew was a lie. Also she is pi$$ed off, and rightfully so. I agree with her. BOTH you and the OW deserve the blame. You can't minimize what you did, by claiming you didn't actually penetrate the OW and expect your wife to say "Oh, ok then, that is not so bad" http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t230354/
PhoenixRise Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I agree with WWIU If you want a chance in hell of saving your marriage find a new job ASAP and go completely NC with the OW. AND don't argue with your wife about the email she sent. IMO if you have an affair with a coworker you are automatically running the risk that your other coworkers will find out about it at some point. It apparently was a risk both you and she was willing to take.
whichwayisup Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 You can't minimize what you did, by claiming you didn't actually penetrate the OW and expect your wife to say "Oh, ok then, that is not so bad" It is bad because 'whatever' went on for 2 years!
Author Destroyed Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 I understand. But this is just reckless. And it wasn't 2 years of scandal; at first like most things we were just friends. Hmmmph What my wife found out yesterday was that she was on this special interest group at my job; along with me. One that I was the leader on. I used to have to go out of town several times a year for activities. She now thinks this woman was going with. But, she hasn't ever; she's not an officer. My wife trusted me. I never knew how much until now.
PhoenixRise Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I understand. But this is just reckless. And it wasn't 2 years of scandal; at first like most things we were just friends. Hmmmph What my wife found out yesterday was that she was on this special interest group at my job; along with me. One that I was the leader on. I used to have to go out of town several times a year for activities. She now thinks this woman was going with. But, she hasn't ever; she's not an officer. My wife trusted me. I never knew how much until now. It was two years of an inappropriate relationship with another woman. Your wife will likely not be willing to believe much of what you say for the foreseeable future. I would say that it is not your wife who was reckless. It is you who are reckless. You had an affair with a coworker= reckless, risking both your and her reputations at work. You spent 2 years getting emotionally involved and masturbating (at a minimum) with another woman =reckless, risking the destruction of your marriage and family. You should think about taking responsibility for the mess YOU made. If you had been faithful, none of this would have happened. What do you want to happen now? Do you want a divorce? Are you trying to reconcile with your wife? Are you looking for a relationship with the OW?
Author Destroyed Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 You should think about taking responsibility for the mess YOU made. If you had been faithful, none of this would have happened. What do you want to happen now? Do you want a divorce? Are you trying to reconcile with your wife? Are you looking for a relationship with the OW? I am taking responsibility for what happended. I immediately asked that we go to marriage counseling. Which we started last Thursday and we had our second meeting yesterday. Right after she sent the email. Neither one of us mentioned it. I told her that I wasn't angry. Because I caused this. I was just afraid of losing my job; and not being able to provide for my family. She is forcing my hand at re-locating. On Wednesday night she asked me could we just move to anywhere; because she couldn't stomach this anymore. And would I date her and then re-marry her. I at this point will do whatever it is that she wants me to do. I love her; but didn't know how to really make myself heard and my feelings known with conviction. We both know this is it, it's either sink or swim. Yes. I was Reckless
whichwayisup Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 My wife trusted me. I never knew how much until now. This totally jumped out at me. You seem surprised that your wife has this much trust in you and the marriage. Do you not feel the same way towards her? Or did you think she didn't trust you? I'm sure she's wondering WHY you do such a thing with your co-worker. Transfer to another department, you and the OW can't work together anymore. These types of consquences (leaving job, finding another one, or even losing your job because employers find out) are just part of the fallout when one cheats with a co-worker. Please don't minimize this. If your wife were doing what you doing, I'm sure you'd be JUST as hurt and upset, pissed off and wanting to take a swing at the OM.
Author Destroyed Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 I thought once she was cheating on me; but I found out that it wasn't true. I was just feeling fat. My wife is beautiful; she sometimes makes me feel like I'm not satisfying her. I told her that is how I was feeling this past week, she then told me that she thought I was withdrawing because I thought she was unattractive. She's been trying to talk to me about our intimacy. She asked me how could I think that when she was always coming after me and I was pulling away. And she was right. If I could have just voiced my insecurities; there would have been less confusion about our feelings. So she started pulling away. And then I did some more and now I have us in this mess.
Brokenlady Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Destroyed, I'd bet that she's forcing your hand because she doesn't trust you'll do it on your own. That says a lot. Is she correct? Would you not change your job to save your marriage? That being said, I'm truly sorry she sent that email. It makes your wife look like a nut, and prevented you from having a chance to do the right thing. However, these are extremely emotional and desperate times, and you can fully expect there to be more outbursts and embarrassments. One of the main things BS's are advised to do here is expose the affair to everyone who will listen to prevent it from continuing. It's just part of the consequences you have to accept for your actions. It is interesting though - you haven't really said much about the OW. I get the feeling you haven't ended that - no mention that you've told her its over, etc. (Affairs rarely end at D-day, and as a long-time OW, I know this from experience too). So what are you going to do here? What do you really want? If you truly want to save your marriage, you owe it to both women to cut things off with the OW for good.
bentnotbroken Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I understand. But this is just reckless. And it wasn't 2 years of scandal; at first like most things we were just friends. Hmmmph What my wife found out yesterday was that she was on this special interest group at my job; along with me. One that I was the leader on. I used to have to go out of town several times a year for activities. She now thinks this woman was going with. But, she hasn't ever; she's not an officer. My wife trusted me. I never knew how much until now. :eek:Are you freaking kidding me? Reckless, this is the height of hypocrisy on your part. What would she have to be pissed about if you weren't so reckless with what you did with your body parts? Come, man up. You set this whole situation in motion. I understand your wife's level of anger. Though I didn't expose him on the job, no other place was left untouched. The OW is equally responsible as a willing participant in your little sexcapades. What do you want, that job or your marriage? That trust takes a forever to build and a moment to destroy, was it worth where you are sitting now? Sheeesh!
Samantha0905 Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I'm sorry for what you're experiencing, by the way. It truly does sound like you should find a new place of employment if you want to work on things with your wife.
2sunny Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I am taking responsibility for what happended. I immediately asked that we go to marriage counseling. Which we started last Thursday and we had our second meeting yesterday. Right after she sent the email. Neither one of us mentioned it. I told her that I wasn't angry. Because I caused this. I was just afraid of losing my job; and not being able to provide for my family. She is forcing my hand at re-locating. On Wednesday night she asked me could we just move to anywhere; because she couldn't stomach this anymore. And would I date her and then re-marry her. I at this point will do whatever it is that she wants me to do. I love her; but didn't know how to really make myself heard and my feelings known with conviction. We both know this is it, it's either sink or swim. Yes. I was Reckless that's right - YOU caused it all. whatever she does with her anger is only because you caused it to be possible. your attitude to do anything in order to set this right for your wife is a good place to start. i wish you both the best. i think it's appropriate for your wife to tell her truth. expose the OW for all her manipulation and sneaky lies and actions she should own. the OW is responsible for how she participated in all this... let that be hers to handle. you handle what part YOU had in this... which looks like you are off to a good start. i'd say that masturbating with another woman classifies as sex... would you like it if your wife had done this with another man? probably not. you crossed the line of trust and intimacy in your marriage - you willingly shared that with another woman. own it - admit it - and begin to repair what was broken inside you so much that you would do this to yourself and to your wife and marriage. your wife was correct to take her power back instead of continuing to give power to the secret and the cover up and pretending. we are only as sick as our secrets. time to stop pretending... maybe YOU should have been the one to send that email... after all - it was YOU who took part in it - and YOU who should be willing to protect and repair your marriage. your wife is a strong woman - support her actions in being honest.
2sunny Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Trying your title... there is no "trying" there is only "do - or do not"
reservoirdog1 Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I'm not sure I would "advocate" your wife doing what she did. But on the other hand, I understand why she did so and I don't totally blame her. Whether or not you ever had sex with the OW is pretty much irrelevant. Your wife knows that you did sexual things with the OW that you were only supposed to do with her. That's cheating. Whether or not you actually fycked the OW is just semantics by that point. Try to put yourself in your wife's position. She has to deal with the ongoing agony of knowing that you're heading off to work every day to the same place where the woman you cheated with works. You betrayed her and deceived her before; since the person you betrayed her and deceived her with works there, try to picture the things your wife is imagining every time you walk out the door to go to work. You should have already been taking steps to find a new job. One of the golden rules of recovering your relationship from cheating is that you institute immediate no contact with the OP. You haven't done that. You're sending the message to your wife that your job (and because the OW works there, the OW too) is more important than your marriage. No, what your wife did wasn't exactly socially savvy, but it came from a place of monumental pain. At least try to see if from that perspective and understand where she's coming from.
Spark1111 Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Hey, in the great scheme of things, what she did....was not so bad, IMHO. People have been shot and killed for less. Or they have rented huge billboards with names, dates and pictures on it detailing both parties to the betrayal. Or they have destroyed personal property, spray painted "Cheater" on it and parked or pulled it to the work place. They have packed a bag, walked out and said, "drop deap. See you in court," as they filed for divorce, took every dime and asset they legally could have, and never looked back. They may have run out to the local bar for an easy one night stand, before they did so. She could have detailed the specifics in that email. Imagine that? Web cam and phone sex to masturbate by. Your OW is married too? My-oh-my. Your wife is still with you? Maybe is even willing to forgive you? Going to MC with you? Lucky, lucky man.
PhoenixRise Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Hey, in the great scheme of things, what she did....was not so bad, IMHO. People have been shot and killed for less. Or they have rented huge billboards with names, dates and pictures on it detailing both parties to the betrayal. Or they have destroyed personal property, spray painted "Cheater" on it and parked or pulled it to the work place. They have packed a bag, walked out and said, "drop deap. See you in court," as they filed for divorce, took every dime and asset they legally could have, and never looked back. They may have run out to the local bar for an easy one night stand, before they did so. She could have detailed the specifics in that email. Imagine that? Web cam and phone sex to masturbate by. Your OW is married too? My-oh-my. Your wife is still with you? Maybe is even willing to forgive you? Going to MC with you? Lucky, lucky man. This is all too true. I get it that you need your job to financially support your family. But YOU are the one who endangered your job. Your wife wants you to get another job. She is right. Are you looking for another job?
bentnotbroken Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Hey, in the great scheme of things, what she did....was not so bad, IMHO. People have been shot and killed for less. Or they have rented huge billboards with names, dates and pictures on it detailing both parties to the betrayal. Or they have destroyed personal property, spray painted "Cheater" on it and parked or pulled it to the work place. They have packed a bag, walked out and said, "drop deap. See you in court," as they filed for divorce, took every dime and asset they legally could have, and never looked back. They may have run out to the local bar for an easy one night stand, before they did so. She could have detailed the specifics in that email. Imagine that? Web cam and phone sex to masturbate by. Your OW is married too? My-oh-my. Your wife is still with you? Maybe is even willing to forgive you? Going to MC with you? Lucky, lucky man. I would even add blessed man to the list.
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