mciso Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 To jump right into it, I'm 19 & married. Ill be turning 20 this November. I got married just over a month after I turned 18. My husband and I had been dating two years prior to getting married, even though a year and a half of us dating was a long distance relationship because he's in the Airforce. Once we got married I moved across the country to where he was. For so long all I wanted was to be close to him, and start a stable life together. And now to say it bluntly, Im having extreme doubts. Im not too pretentious to admit we havent been married long, just about a year and a half, so it may seem like Im jumping ship before weve even sailed anywhere. I just feel like Im missing out on a part of my life I shouldnt be. Basically just being 19. Weve been on a seperation for over a month now, Im staying at my parents, while he's back at our home on the east coast doing his job in the military. Let me just say, my husband is a great guy, he's supportive and I believe he truly does love me fully. And on the other end of his spectrum, is jealousy, untrusting, and very clingy. I look past those things, because he is such an amazing person,and loves me so much. But at this point, I dont want to stay with him just because of those reasons, especially if Im not sure if I can reciprocate that love for him to the extent I feel he deserves. For example, he says he can come home from a long hard day at work and just be happy because Im at home waiting for him, and I really hate to say this, but I just dont feel like that in turn. Ive been so unhappy, epecially over the past year, to the point where doctors had put me on all kinds of drugs, and I hated it. Im so conflicted over this. My parents are telling me to go back to him and do marriage counseling, because its the right thing to do, but I just dont know if thats whats best considering Ive had such festoring feelings of if Im even in love with him anymore for so long. In a nutshell, I dont want to just go through the motions of marriage, and ten years down the line resent him for not experiencing things people my age would have, but at the same time I dont want to throw away my marriage with him if I could eventually get to the point where Id be happy with him in the long run.
Gunny376 Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I hate to the bringer of gloom and doom, but at your and his age your chances of having a long term ~ life time successful marriage is only about 10%. There' a lot of reasons for this. One is simply is that both of you are too young, too in-experienced, just plain ignorant (that is defined as you just didn't know any better ~ whereas stupidity is you know better and do something or not do something anyway.) Its doubtful that your financially stable enough to even pull it off. The truth of the matter is that no one should get married, unless they have at least one good running reliable car, (if your married make that two ~ with the DW getting the newer and more reliable car), enough money in the bank at a minimum of the equivalent of six months to a years worth of income sitting in the bank. I would even go so far as to say that in addition to have a years worth of income in the bank, that you have another $4 to 5,000 sitting in the bank for auto, appliance, repair, etc. At nineteen, your about a full ten years more emotionally mature than the DH ~ thus the jealousy etc. What jealousy is? Is a lack of self confidence to withstand the least bit of competition from any outside source. The next thing is that like most men, he probally lacks a complete understanding and comprehension of the ravages of hormones go through each month just having your menstrual cycle. There's estrogen, progesterone, testosterone that fluctuate throughout a woman's body over the course of one month. Don't even get me started about pregnancy. To boot most men sexually peak around age 18, while most women sexually peak in their twenties through their thirties and forties. The nerve endings in a woman genital region generally aren't fully developed until around age 35. The divorce rate for men that marry under the age of 25? 90% Marriage counseling? You both need to find out who and what your about first! What you want out of life, what you need out of life, who you want to be, how you want to live your life. The reasons a lot of marriages fail is because people marry too young. Being young with the husband in the AF, and having a LTR ~ (LTR's seldom if ever work) I'm not saying to rush down and get a divorce, I am saying that for now you need to find out about who and what your about, and what you want and how you want to live your life. BTW? Your way too young to be on antidepressant and anxiety meds! For the time being? You need to shift this marriage into neutral. Take an old fools advice! Time for mciso to figure out what and who she wants and needs to be. Read some of the post from the women that have been married five, ten, twenty years.
Author mciso Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 Thanks for the reply. In regards to the financial stability, were actually not too bad off with the military benefits. We have a reliable car (07' chevy cobalt) and hes re-enlisting for another 6 years, so hes getting a bonus of $60000, which with taxes might be more like 40. So its not so much that aspect that makes me think. And depression and anxiety run in my family, and even so I hated having to rely on meds. I completely agree that I need to learn more about myself. By the way, hes 22, not my age, but regardless, even if he doesnt think so, I believe he would benefit from learning more about himself as well. Im just so confused. You know how single people my age complain about having to seed through all these skeezy guys to find mr.right. I think that stage in life is necessary cause you learn exactly who you want as a life partner from experience and how you handle relationships over time. And I never had that, so even though my husband is an amazing guy, he still might not be the one for me, because I never got the chance to seed through others to find out for sure.
Gunny376 Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Thanks for the reply. In regards to the financial stability, were actually not too bad off with the military benefits. We have a reliable car (07' chevy cobalt) and hes re-enlisting for another 6 years, so hes getting a bonus of $60000, which with taxes might be more like 40. So its not so much that aspect that makes me think. And depression and anxiety run in my family, and even so I hated having to rely on meds. I completely agree that I need to learn more about myself. By the way, hes 22, not my age, but regardless, even if he doesnt think so, I believe he would benefit from learning more about himself as well. Im just so confused. You know how single people my age complain about having to seed through all these skeezy guys to find mr.right. I think that stage in life is necessary cause you learn exactly who you want as a life partner from experience and how you handle relationships over time. And I never had that, so even though my husband is an amazing guy, he still might not be the one for me, because I never got the chance to seed through others to find out for sure. BINGO! You've hit the nail on the head! Before you can understand what your looking for and who and what is the perfect match for you? You've got to figure out what ins't what your looking for. Your DH sounds like a great guy and a good husband. With a good career and future ahead of him. Trouble is? Women leave guys that have less going for them, earn less achieve less. I'm not saying you should divorce him, and I doubt at this time that marriage couseling would do much good. What I would recommend would be individual counseling to find out about who you are, and what you want and need out of life. BTW until you've done so? The last thing you need is to get involved with someone else. Until you can stand on your own? You don't need to be with anyone. Don't make the mistake of thinking that you've got to have "a man" nor being in a relationship to be complete and whole. You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders. Your simply asking yourself ~ "Is this all that there is to Life!" And obviosuly its not.
tojaz Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Take it Reba...... She married when she was twenty She thought she was ready Now she's not so sure She thought she'd done some living But now she's just wonderin' What she's living for Now she's feeling that there's something more Is there life out there So much she hasn't done Is there life beyond Her family and her home She's done what she should Should she do what she dares She doesn't want to leave She's just wonderin Is there life out there She's always lived for tomorrow She's never learned how To live for today She's dyin' to try something foolish Do something crazy Or just get away Something for herself for a change Is there life out there So much she hasn't done Is there life beyond Her family and her home She's done what she should Should she do what she dares She doesn't want to leave She's just wonderin Is there life out there There's a place in the sun that she's never been Where life is fair and time is a friend Would she do it the same as she did back then She looks out the window and wonders again Is there life out there So much she hasn't done Is there life beyond Her family and her home She's done what she should Should she do what she dares She doesn't want to leave She's just wonderin Is there life out there Is there life out there So much she hasn't done Is there life beyond Her family and her home She's done what she should Should she do what she dares She doesn't want to leave She's just wonderin Is there life out there I've been thinking a lot about this song lately. I'm planning to start a thread with more detail on my thoughts. Fact is that yes we all pass up opportunities in life. Very very few of us are able to do, see, have it all. The single person wants the security of a good partner and a committed relationship, the married person wonders what they gave up to have that. Its only natural. We all do it. I know I did, past up what in my profession is THE dream job for my regular punch clock job. Offer came through shortly after me and my former soul mate had become serious. I thought a lot about what might have been, but then I realized that had I left her for the job, there was a good chance I would be sitting there wondering the same about her. Simple answer is this, yes your missing out on some things, some life experiences etc. and if you leave, well, you'll be missing out on some things too. Nobody can point you in the right direction, or tell you which way to go. The best advice I can give is to give equal time to these thoughts. For every instance your wondering what your missing, or what could be, give a thought to all you have. See the whole picture clearly before making a decision. The thing about chasing what could be is that it is never what is. TOJAZ
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