I Truly Want to Understand a Married Man's Thinking

[JMC]

Thanks MizzBlue! You understand what I meant too, about the welfare. Yours and other responses have been very helpful.

[califnan]

I too, am glad that you see it for what it is JMC.

 

Any previous experience of this sort, complete with the flattery, and all that it includes .. is more than enough to indwell in us the importance of staying away from this burn again..

 

Separated for one month .. and in his dreams, would he like to be jumping into the pond as a single man, already.

 

I agree with one of the posters who spoke of the importance of meeting up with one who has been single for years.. For only when one has learned happiness within themselves, can they be a fit partner

 

As it has been pointed out - men like the thrill of the hunt, variety is the spice, and all of that .. While the vulnerable woman has a built in generic maternal instinct ... ready to take in, take care of, all..

[jj33]

I think it was Bent that said the internet is a sheild. Certainly there are arrogant self absorbed people you can meet online but online it takes on a whole new proportion.

 

I think the word you are looking for is narcissists. These people only think of themselves. The world revolves around them.

[stillafool]

Some of you may remember me...I had a disastrously painful affair with a MM almost 3 years ago that ended when reality hit him and he dumped me with no prob, resulting in me still being scarred.

 

But now I need viewpoints on something recent I just don't understand.

 

I've been talking to a guy I met online who's only been separated for a month. I didn't know he was still married til after talking to him for a little while (of course). I am not interested in dating him - I couldn't even if I wanted to, simply because I am so scarred and jaded from being hurt from dating in the last 3 years, including the married guy 3 years ago (which was the worst).

 

This guy is so incredibly persistent, persuasive, and flattering. He seems to be convinced that I am The One for him. I told him that I cannot and will not date, let alone let myself become attached to, someone who is still married! Yet like most guys he has every excuse under the sun at the ready.

 

"I'm separated." "I'm not even living in the same house with her." "I have no feelings for her." "There's no chance of us getting back together." "We haven't been close for years." "I don't love her anymore." "She wouldn't give me any affection for years and that's what killed it between us."

 

From pure, amazed curiosity on my part - borne from 3 years now of dealing with utter BS, lies, and manipulation on the part of 90% of the guys I've dated in that time, resulting in me being so messed up that I couldn't fall for someone now if I tried - can someone tell me WHY these kinds of men are so eager and willing for me to risk MY heart, my sanity, my feelings for them, simply because they've decided that I'm the one they want to be with? No matter how many times I point out to him that he is MARRIED STILL!!

 

Has anyone been party to this sort of persuasive guy? Does anyone know why most people like him have absolutely ZERO CONCERN for my welfare (i.e., asking me to date him even tho he's been separated for only a month)?

 

 

Yes MM will pursue hard because they are the most desperate. However, I would simply tell this man "If I truly am THE ONE for you, get a divorce and show me the papers. It's that easy for him. Otherwise it's just more bullsh-t and don't fall for it.

[stillafool]

I guess I'm vulnerable cuz I am so messed up from being hurt by the MM and a couple guys after that in the ensuing years...I am so confused, my head is so turned around by all the lies and manipulations from guys in general, all because I was so naive and vulnerable in the first place. And here I am still vulnerable. Yet not so much that this guy's getting anywhere with me.

 

I agree with WWIU that you shouldn't be dating right now. You are still vulnerable and haven't learned yet how to chose a man.

 

I understand your example of me being with the married guy 3 years ago - but I believed him when he said she had no idea about us. I believed him when he said that he'd been neglected for years by her. I believed him when he said she was ready to split too, and that she didn't love him, didn't care about him, didn't want him anymore. So no, I didn't think I was hurting her if all that was true.

 

See, you believed lies and this new guy is feeding you a bunch of crap and you might start to believe it. You need to tell him to stop contacting you until he shows you his divorce papers. Then you can take him seriously.

[Fieldsofgold]

People - any people - men, women, married, single - are capable of being selfish. Some like the power they get from manipulating others. Some are just curious and want to see what they can get by with. Some are getting a twisted sort of revenge against someone who hurt them. Some are delusional. There must be a zillion reasons why someone would try to trick you and BS you and charm you.

 

I think the more important thing is to examine yourself and your reactions. Why would you trust or believe someone you don't know - not just him, but anyone. And how do you get to really know people? Those are important questions you need to find the answers to. When you find the answers to those questions, you will be able to make choices that are a lot less likely to get you hurt.

 

And remember when you are meeting people on line - it could be ANYONE. To catch her cheating boyfriend, my daughter once clipped a pic out of a magazine and set up a fake profile (and he bit!) This guy you're talking to may not be separated at all, he may have six girlfriends, he may 90 years old, he may be an inmate in a prison, "he" could be a woman. Besides all that, sound reasoning will tell you that you can't know a person well-enough in one month to know they are wonderful. That alone should tell you he's a player.

 

Pleasebe very careful!

[poobear]

Some of you may remember me...I had a disastrously painful affair with a MM almost 3 years ago that ended when reality hit him and he dumped me with no prob, resulting in me still being scarred.

 

But now I need viewpoints on something recent I just don't understand.

 

I've been talking to a guy I met online who's only been separated for a month. I didn't know he was still married til after talking to him for a little while (of course). I am not interested in dating him - I couldn't even if I wanted to, simply because I am so scarred and jaded from being hurt from dating in the last 3 years, including the married guy 3 years ago (which was the worst).

 

This guy is so incredibly persistent, persuasive, and flattering. He seems to be convinced that I am The One for him. I told him that I cannot and will not date, let alone let myself become attached to, someone who is still married! Yet like most guys he has every excuse under the sun at the ready.

 

"I'm separated." "I'm not even living in the same house with her." "I have no feelings for her." "There's no chance of us getting back together." "We haven't been close for years." "I don't love her anymore." "She wouldn't give me any affection for years and that's what killed it between us."

 

From pure, amazed curiosity on my part - borne from 3 years now of dealing with utter BS, lies, and manipulation on the part of 90% of the guys I've dated in that time, resulting in me being so messed up that I couldn't fall for someone now if I tried - can someone tell me WHY these kinds of men are so eager and willing for me to risk MY heart, my sanity, my feelings for them, simply because they've decided that I'm the one they want to be with? No matter how many times I point out to him that he is MARRIED STILL!!

 

Has anyone been party to this sort of persuasive guy? Does anyone know why most people like him have absolutely ZERO CONCERN for my welfare (i.e., asking me to date him even tho he's been separated for only a month)?

 

He is playing on your emotions!! This guys marriage probably has failed because he has not taken the time to make his wife feel like she is the most important person in her life. Women need to be romanticized and need to feel like they are number one! Men on the other hand connect to women by having a physical relationship (SEX). So this guy is out there trying to fulfill his own personal needs.

[2sure]

One of the reasons some OW feel that their affair , their MM is so unique and special is because he is the only man they have met that makes them feel so very unique, so special, so perfect right from the get go. They convince themselves they are soulmates.

 

MM has to say everything you want to hear times ten.

Because he is married.

 

Nothing wrong with any of that, I guess, as long as you GET it.

[joey66]

Women need to be romanticized and need to feel like they are number one! Men on the other hand connect to women by having a physical relationship (SEX).

 

For the 4357th time, let me renew my objection to these kinds of generalizations. Men need to be romanticized just as much as women. And women connect through sex, too!

 

I hate, hate, HATE it when I read that men, particularly MM, get into EMRs for the sex. Some do, some fall in love. Really.

[Green]

Next time a married man starts telling you all about how you guys should be togather why don't you a) Walk away b) tell him to stop talking and walk away c) Just say NO! d) all of the above

[IfWishesWereHorses]

MM has to say everything you want to hear times ten.

Because he is married.

 

Which a single guy could NOT do and remain single. The MM can pour it on, then back out with the excuse that as much as he wants to his hands are tied by his chivalric obligations to his family. The single person doesn't get the EWWWW, he's coming on so strong, because the offer is you are wonderful, but as much as I want it, I can't have you as my one and only.

[ADF]

I work in family law, and stories like yours are familiar. What are married men thinking? In a nutshell: "I should get whatever I want, and I don't care how much anyone else suffers so long as I get it."

 

Two things you should keep in mind:

 

1) Any man capable of carrying on an extended, clandestine affair right under his wife's nose is, by definition, a masterful liar and con artist. Not only must he manage the logistics of keeping the affair secret, he must be able to do so while smiling. He cannot let his wife see any signs of stress or guilt that might give him away. Men who can do this successfully are often virtual sociopaths.

 

2) In 9 cases out of 10, the MM will end up dumping the other OW and going back to his wife. Not necessarily because he prefers his wife, but just because staying with his wife is so much easier. If a MM decides to leave his wife for the OW, he will need to get divorced. Divorce is a brutal experience that can drag on for years and leave the man financially ruined. Dumping his OW is infinately less painful, so that is what the majority of MM do.

[pureinheart]

JMC - does this guy live within normal dating distance or would he be a long distance relationship if he were for real?

 

I ask because rule of thumb for online dating:

 

1. Get a pay as you go phone to use ONLY for online dating. That way you dont need to give your number to people you may never want to see more than once.

 

2. You have to decide why you are online. Are you there to "chat" and for company and to date if you meet someone nice but generally for fun? Or are you there primarily to meet someone to date?

 

3. If you are there to meet someone to date DONT chat for too long. If you chat for a week or so then either meet or cut it off. The longer people chat online the more they have an opportunity to create a fantasy about one another.

 

And then you have yourself convinced he is the one too on a certain level. And then when "the truth" comes out in person, it is more disappointing and for some harder to accept.

 

One month out of a marriage is not enough. Has he even filed for divorce?

 

I would forget him and change your profile setting to include only divorced and single men. Forget separated, too often this means she is in the kitchen I am in the den, we are separated. There are so many people online, there is no need to deal with the in betweeners.

 

If fate or God or whatever you believe in means you to meet a separated man who is serious about a new relationship, it will happen. You cant stop the universe from bringing what is yours to you.

 

In the meantime, YOU need to be responsible for your emotional safety.

 

 

This IS true jj...our "customer" used to send reps periodically to check our progress and my friend said hey "such and such" was checking you out and wants to go out with you and wasn't sure if he was single...so I asked him, he said separated.

 

I found out later after studying and checking things out first that he was separated by distance...I was pissed.

[pureinheart]

I work in family law, and stories like yours are familiar. What are married men thinking? In a nutshell: "I should get whatever I want, and I don't care how much anyone else suffers so long as I get it."

 

Two things you should keep in mind:

 

1) Any man capable of carrying on an extended, clandestine affair right under his wife's nose is, by definition, a masterful liar and con artist. Not only must he manage the logistics of keeping the affair secret, he must be able to do so while smiling. He cannot let his wife see any signs of stress or guilt that might give him away. Men who can do this successfully are often virtual sociopaths.

 

2) In 9 cases out of 10, the MM will end up dumping the other OW and going back to his wife. Not necessarily because he prefers his wife, but just because staying with his wife is so much easier. If a MM decides to leave his wife for the OW, he will need to get divorced. Divorce is a brutal experience that can drag on for years and leave the man financially ruined. Dumping his OW is infinately less painful, so that is what the majority of MM do.

 

One thing I would say to watch for is being the "transitional" R, A, or whatever the case. Now if one can be okay with this, then of course this doesnot apply.

 

I really see how exDM worked all the situations and systems concerning his S and D...and he used me to get there. There is no anger concerning this, just a knowledge that this is a possibility and will guard against this in the future.

Edited May 14, 2010 by pureinheart

[Mimolicious]

Some of you may remember me...I had a disastrously painful affair with a MM almost 3 years ago that ended when reality hit him and he dumped me with no prob, resulting in me still being scarred.

 

But now I need viewpoints on something recent I just don't understand.

 

I've been talking to a guy I met online who's only been separated for a month. I didn't know he was still married til after talking to him for a little while (of course). I am not interested in dating him - I couldn't even if I wanted to, simply because I am so scarred and jaded from being hurt from dating in the last 3 years, including the married guy 3 years ago (which was the worst).

 

This guy is so incredibly persistent, persuasive, and flattering. He seems to be convinced that I am The One for him. I told him that I cannot and will not date, let alone let myself become attached to, someone who is still married! Yet like most guys he has every excuse under the sun at the ready.

 

"I'm separated." "I'm not even living in the same house with her." "I have no feelings for her." "There's no chance of us getting back together." "We haven't been close for years." "I don't love her anymore." "She wouldn't give me any affection for years and that's what killed it between us."

 

From pure, amazed curiosity on my part - borne from 3 years now of dealing with utter BS, lies, and manipulation on the part of 90% of the guys I've dated in that time, resulting in me being so messed up that I couldn't fall for someone now if I tried - can someone tell me WHY these kinds of men are so eager and willing for me to risk MY heart, my sanity, my feelings for them, simply because they've decided that I'm the one they want to be with? No matter how many times I point out to him that he is MARRIED STILL!!

 

Has anyone been party to this sort of persuasive guy? Does anyone know why most people like him have absolutely ZERO CONCERN for my welfare (i.e., asking me to date him even tho he's been separated for only a month)?

 

The real question here is: Do YOU have any concern about your OWN welfare? Remember, nobody is going to love you or care for you more than you can for yourself! Why even bother entertaining a person that has all this issues, which obviously make you uncomfortable??!? We sometimes create our own misery.