Rejection

[LK30]

Hi guys

 

I'm a regular poster on here, and it diverts me from breaking NC!

 

I've been single since Feb and I have had on and off r'ships and dates but never been very popular with women. I haven't got 4 heads, but no Brad Pitt either. No heads turn when i'm around and even though I've signed up to a few dating sites I get plenty of 'views' on my profiles but nobody takes any interest.

 

All this basically makes me miss my ex more and more. I know meeting someone new would certainly ease the pain and in some ways i'm ready to date again, but all i keep thinking is I should've stayed with my ex as at least she cared for me - I blew it!

 

Anyone else been in this situation? I feel very low and unwanted. The ex wasn't exactly great, but I usually find girls move on quick - and I expect she's out there having fun or in a r'ship. But me, i'm still on my own! :-(

[Female Tech]

I have read your post about 10 times. There is so much I want to say but I'm having trouble trying to word most of it.

 

I don't post a lot, but I read here almost every day and have for months. There are so many good threads here that are inspirational. Many do point out that if you are not fully over your ex, it isn't a good idea to try and enter a new relationship. I understand what they mean, but like you... I feel it would be so much easier if I had someone else to hang out with, grow with, laugh with and just have to talk to. I tried dating and tho he was great, all I did most of the time was wonder about my ex, and compare this guy to my ex, and I'd think of how my ex would be doing things instead of this guy. There was such a huge comfort in being with someone that knew me, someone that laughed in all the places I laughed at when watching the movies, that I could say anything to and he'd know just how I meant it. The awkwardness of being with someone new seemed overwhelming. I made myself miserable until I couldn't wait until the guy left so I could be alone again. I think that is part of why their advice now makes even more sense to me.

 

I also think that maybe it's not another relationship I want just yet, but what I really want is to not be lonely and to have other things to flood my thoughts with so I eventually stop thinking of my ex. It sounds like you may be lonely as well? Again, I can totally understand that.

 

I have also tried dating sites. I have made friends that way, but find most people there either have an agenda or else don't really want honesty. They are sitting home looking for someone to better their lives. Again, here I have read and agree with the fact that if you work on yourself and on making yourself happy, then others will come to you. And it's hard to be really happy when I'm still trying to get over my ex. I think a lot of my problem is that I work at home. I don't get the chance to interact with or meet new people. I'm trying to get out more but live in a small town. This is what led to the dating sites... sites that make me feel even worse about myself. I deleted my accounts and though I don't have that 'hope' of hearing from someone that I may click with... at least I feel better about myself without the rejection. I also understand totally about feeling so rejected in general that you start longing for your ex .. thinking only of the good qualities and giving excuses for the bad ones... thinking they couldn't have been TOO bad to put up with for the good stuff was really good. But don't short change yourself. It may not happen as quickly as you want, but when time is right... you will be able to find someone. =) You have to have hope.. don't ever give up.

 

And please know... not all females get 'over' a broken relationship quickly. I really believe it has to do more with someone's ... personality? (not sure what word I want, that doesn't quite say what I mean) I have always felt that I feel emotions very strongly. I guess the polite term is that I'm passionate. From reading post here I believe many are that way.. and you can see both genders are here pouring out their pain as well as helping others with their own experiences of healing. I do hope you find someone that will love you for who you are, and that has the passion you have for life and love... and you will see that not everyone walks away and seems to easily forget.

 

I don't know if any of this helps you at all. I just feel so much like you seem to be feeling that I had to at least try and share some.

<Hugz>

[northstar1]

Hi guys

 

I'm a regular poster on here, and it diverts me from breaking NC!

 

I've been single since Feb and I have had on and off r'ships and dates but never been very popular with women. I haven't got 4 heads, but no Brad Pitt either. No heads turn when i'm around and even though I've signed up to a few dating sites I get plenty of 'views' on my profiles but nobody takes any interest.

 

All this basically makes me miss my ex more and more. I know meeting someone new would certainly ease the pain and in some ways i'm ready to date again, but all i keep thinking is I should've stayed with my ex as at least she cared for me - I blew it!

 

Anyone else been in this situation? I feel very low and unwanted. The ex wasn't exactly great, but I usually find girls move on quick - and I expect she's out there having fun or in a r'ship. But me, i'm still on my own! :-(

 

I understand what you mean. My recent breakup is only weeks old, so I know Im not in a place to go out and date yet, but I feel the loneliness. I just miss having someone around to make dinner with, watch tv, go for a walk etc. It seems like I am just killing time when I do these things now, if that makes sense. I know it will get bette with time, but right now I still feel lost. I try not to think about what my ex is up to at all. She might be happy, but who knows. I think at some point she will reflect on the relationship and miss me, but that doesn't change my own happiness.

 

With my prior breakup, I made the mistake of jumping into dating too soon. Part of it was to try and feel better and connect with someone, but some was also to prove some sort of point that someone else would want me if my ex no longer did. It wasn't a good idea. I spent the entire first date thinking of my ex, I couldn't relax at all, and although they were a nice person, it never had a fair chance at going anywhere.

 

Your breakup is still new and you are still untangling all the connections to your ex. And if you are still mourning about the breakup, new girls will sense that and you won't come across as yourself or confident. I would say give it a bit more time. Try and fill that void with finding new things to do. Take a photograpy class, go for a long walk, try Yoga or running. Anything that is new to you that will keep you busy, form new routines that don't involve your ex and be good to yourself.

 

Sure, generally girls have an easier time getting attention , through dating sites or in public. And yes, they often can jump into new dating situations more easily, but don't mistake that for being healthy or healed. Some will jump right into something with a new guy and not fully have digested the breakup and at some point they will find issue with it. Some will just start a pattern of this as a way to validate themselves with attention. It doesn't mean they are happier or really fufilled or don't miss you. It's a way to deflect coping. So don't worry about what your ex might be up to.

 

You will make it, it takes time, but you will. I did from my prior breakup and now I only look back with a faint nostalgia and nothing else.

Edited May 7, 2010 by northstar1

[ADF]

It is not clear from your post who initiated the break up or why. If she initiated, then it only stands to reason she would be getting over it more quickly than you. I have to wonder in what sense you "blew it."

[LK30]

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply to my thread guys!

 

FemaleTech - we are certainly very alike in our situations. I understand the things you are saying, and I know it's sometimes hard for us all to translate our feelings into words on the screen. Perhaps we need a new type of loveshack website! (altho this one is great of course!). That's the weird thing about feelings - you can't see, touch, smell or hear them! It's often hard to gauge how others feel. Especially when you talk to friends and family, who might've gone through split ups in the past but not at the present time. I sort of think you only feel pain in the present, and it's more faded in the past. We will get through it!

 

Northstar - I hope you are feeling better despite it only all being fresh. I certainly hope my ex thinks about me from time to time no matter what, and it is such a shame as we used to love telling each other what we have been up to and suddenly I can't talk to her. As the summer approaches it's a good time to get out and about, and i love the beach but I still associate it with my ex so I will probably avoid it as it will bring back memories.

 

ADF - she never had doubts, but i'm afraid i did and after a couple of occasions of being unsure if we had a future (altho everything was ok in the present and the general 'dating' stage' i raised some of the issues I had that needed improving and she walked. So some people might say the final rejection was from her. I do miss her tho, so I 'blew it' in the sense perhaps I shouldnt have been so picky. So in theory I should be over it but ironically I'm the one struggling even tho I had the doubts!!

[northstar1]

That makes sense to me. You maybe had doubts, but since she was the one who ultimately walked, it is a blow to the ego, because you tell yourself "I had doubts, how can she be the one to end it?" And it makes you instinctively want to get it back and think "maybe it wasn't so bad and fixable", even if you maybe would have kept running into problems.

 

She may not have had doubts, or never voiced them, or just decided to run when she became insecure about your feelings for her.

[LK30]

Northstar - you're just way too good, you should be a life coach as you always seem to know the right things to say!

 

Your last post was spot on, and I read it about 10 times. I think what you're saying, and it is true, that we can analyse forever but we can never be totally sure what the reasons are for things happening. Same for all of us. It certainly was a blow to my ego as I should've been fine with it as I was the one who was having doubts (I think), but what's made it so hard is the fact I've faced rejection many times in my life and all of that played a part too.

 

You're dead right. If she came back tomorrow I would be on a high as if I had just scored the winning goal in the world cup final, but after a while I'd probably go back to the same problems.

 

That's the problem with the internet. Every other site is about 'how to win your ex back,' but what we really need is more stuff on 'reasons it's not a good idea to get back with your ex!'

[You Go Girl]

A lot of people on this forum suggest completely getting over someone before starting something new.

I honestly don't know if that's possible. It seems the romance section of our mind holds the last romance we had in it until we replace it with someone new. I don't believe we can simply empty it--it won't do this--like a computer, it keeps the last info until written over.

That leads to feeling depressed.

So I'm going out on a limb here and actually say something that many will disagree with perhaps--

50% of getting over someone is replacing them.

[LK30]

Fair point from 'You Go Girl.' I must admit that if I met someone new I'd probably completely stop feeling so bad about my ex as the new person would be the focus. I certainly don't think about or feel bothered about any of my ex's other than my previous one for some reason.

 

I think the issue is making sure you're ready for the next person and not just getting with someone solely to get over the ex (especially rebounds), because even though it helps, you end up just going through the whole cycle again.

 

The problem for me is finding someone else!!

[northstar1]

Northstar - you're just way too good, you should be a life coach as you always seem to know the right things to say!

 

Your last post was spot on, and I read it about 10 times. I think what you're saying, and it is true, that we can analyse forever but we can never be totally sure what the reasons are for things happening. Same for all of us. It certainly was a blow to my ego as I should've been fine with it as I was the one who was having doubts (I think), but what's made it so hard is the fact I've faced rejection many times in my life and all of that played a part too.

 

You're dead right. If she came back tomorrow I would be on a high as if I had just scored the winning goal in the world cup final, but after a while I'd probably go back to the same problems.

 

That's the problem with the internet. Every other site is about 'how to win your ex back,' but what we really need is more stuff on 'reasons it's not a good idea to get back with your ex!'

 

Yeah, well, I'm better at giving advice then accepting it. I've spent a lot of time analyzing my breakup, and assessing blame to myself. Had I done this or that, would it still be going.

 

But even if you were having doubts, they clearly weren't quite enough for you to press the eject button. So, how I guess I see it as the ex may have picked up on that based on your behaviour/attention and didn't feel you truly valued or saw a future, and so she made the preemptive strike. Self-esteem is a strange beast.

 

That's the thing, say your ex called you tomorrrow and said she made a mistake, we'd be be happy, since the things that were taken from us (comfort, companionship, being the center of attention, validation of your ego) would be back. Like getting a fix while going throug withdrawal. You can justify it yourself of why it was necessary. But in most cases, the same old doubts would come back again, on your side or hers.

 

Sometimes, relationships just don't work and it's accepting that that is the hard part.

[sandiego]

But even if you were having doubts, they clearly weren't quite enough for you to press the eject button.

That's the thing, say your ex called you tomorrrow and said she made a mistake, we'd be be happy, since the things that were taken from us (comfort, companionship, being the center of attention, validation of your ego) would be back. Like getting a fix while going throug withdrawal. You can justify it yourself of why it was necessary. But in most cases, the same old doubts would come back again, on your side or hers.

 

I can tell you from experience, Northstar is right on the money. I was with my girlfriend for 2.5 years. I knew in my gut she wasn't the right one. She loved me and wanted to get married, but I wasn't able to commit. In fact, I never felt "in love" with her. I just loved her as a person and cared for her deeply. When she left me, which I knew was inevitable, I was crushed, way more than I expected to be.

 

I pined, greived, and did everything I could to get her back. 3 months later, she came around saying she wanted to try again. And we did. And guess what, I felt the exact same way I did before we broke up (not sure, not feeling right, like she was the one, annoyed at her constant texting etc.). Then after a month, she left me again for a rebound. I was crushed, AGAIN. And went through the exact same pining, greiving and doing anything to get her back....even with the prior experience of finding out I felt the same way.

 

I really think it has to do with fear, the fight or flight instinct that can turn you upside down...it's crazy, and irrational.

 

There are many wise poster here to have offered advice, and based upon my experience, they're right on the money, as if they were talking about me....Northstar is definitely one of them.

 

FWIW,

SD