Change2 Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 So, my husband cheated over the holidays in 09 filed for divorced, but we are still together and "working"on things. I can't stop my mind from remembering things he or she told me, ect. ect. At this point im not sure if i can get over it..its been a year and a half and it can still consume my mind all day at times. I think of the affair daily still. The smallest things remind me.I feel that if i werent giving up sex daily then we would still be the same. I don't know if its because im in a rough spot right now, but im having a hard time seeing that i can move forward. I can't afford counceling right now. I would love to have someone to chat with to dgive me advice someone that really understands my pain and can help. Gosh my esteem is so badnow that im not looking forward to summer now since im a little chubby right now, i recently was pg and had a stillborn so im scared that since im not looking perfect he will cheat. Does the trust ever get fully restored? Can a cheater really be faithful? I have soo many questions and can't find the answers. im lost. anyone?
witabix Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 That all sounds rough Goskim. I don't know what anyone can say really. I know that it can really difficult to get your mind off of things like this. It is important that you realise that its quite normal to let this kind of stuff plauge you. First of all don't let his negative actions allow you to feel bad about yourself. He did the cheating not you, it was his fault not yours. You should be looking to him to make it up to you. Not feeling bad about it yourself. Try to realise that a few things have conspired here to bring you down. None of them are your fault, you are not to blame. If the episode of unfaithfulness is still burning you tell your SO about it, make him realise how much your are hurt and how you are losing your equilibrium over it. Let yourself cry, its ok to cry, its ok to feel helpless, its human to be frail, we all fall apart sometimes. You have had a stillbirth recently, that would knock anyone over for a while. I have experienced a miscarriage (As a male, maybe 'experienced' is the wrong word) and I know how soulfully painful that is to deal with. Let yourself grieve over your loss. Cry and feel washed by your tears.
Katerina Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I'm so very sorry for your loss... both your baby and your relationship. I agree with the previous poster - let yourself cry and grieve... I lost a baby at 23 weeks, so I understand your pain (had an early m/c before that)... And your H's affair on top of that... Your pain must seem intolerable right now. Talking to someone would really help, I think. Maybe you could see if there is a pastor or a clergy person in your area who counsels for free. When I was in your shoes (lost the baby, then found out about H's affair) I felt I was in hell and I couldn't afford counseling either. But a friend, who lives in a different state, got on-line and somehow found a Christian counselor for me (a pastor). I'm friends with this pastor and his family to this day. It's been over 2.5 years now. They literally saved my life. Try to take care of yourself best you can... Cry when you need to, but also maybe try to occupy yourself with a hobby or something that would distract you. That has helped me a lot too. Again, I'm so sorry for your pain.
cyabye Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 (edited) goskim, I cannot speak for you and how you would feel about your situation now and in the future. It depends on multiple things and actions and whether or not you can FORGIVE. But you will never be able to forget. I can tell you from my personal experience I realize now that I could not get past her cheating and lies because she did nothing and I mean nothing to change her ways. Today, she is with one of the guys she cheated on me with. So that sums her up in a nutshell. The only way I am able to push forward and forgive (for me not for her and it's an everday process) was to let her and all the crap she created GO. I want nothing to do with her and I still have to talk to her because we have children. I doubt I will ever be able to truly FORGIVE her for her actions but I am at a point today that it really does not matter. Harsh but true. I have NO respect for her nor do I care about her in any way, shape, or form (not even as the mother of my children). She puts herself before everyone (including the children). I only care about my children and their wellfare and I question that everyday as they are with her the most. If your husband is not proving himself to you and trying to earn your trust 110%, then you need to make decision which is best for you. The thoughts that you experience daily never truly go away and you will always wonder when he will do it again. I know, I was there for 10 years. Today, it does not matter. I have myself. Nobody can ever take that away. Find yourself someone who will cherish and give you the respect that you deserve. But find yourself first. You have been through enough. cya Edited May 7, 2010 by cyabye
on1wheel Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 The answer to all your questions is in the way he is since the affair. While U'll never know for sure, the likliness is a lot less if: • He was immediately sorry for the A • Went full NC with the OW • Offerred to do whatever it takes to try & make it right again • Entered into MC to figure out why he did it • Swore he would never cheat again • Is sensitive to the pain & sorrow U feel as a result of what "HE DID" Also, I would need to know a few more things to give U my opinion as to what chance U guys have: • Emotional or physical A? • For how long? • How did U find out...he confess? • Does he still see or work with her?
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