The OW, the W and Looks

[michelle2010]

I'm going out on a limb here by posting this, but I've been wondering about this lately.

 

Why do men choose women who are SO unlike their wives to have affairs with? And does the woman with the best looks have an advantage in the situation? I know some men who cheat with women who look worse than their own wives... and then there are those who don't.

 

If the other woman is better looking than the wife, is she more of a threat?? I know that if my MM looked a lot better than my husband, I'd probably start wondering if I settled (not the case, they're both gorgeous).

 

And I won't even go into who's better looking between me and his wife, that would be awful... Just looking for opinions.

[secretlady76]

What would be the point of going after someone who was like what you had at home? That would be pointless!!

[michelle2010]

That's interesting, because that's exactly what I did. My husband and MM look so much alike. Same features, blond hair, the bluest eyes, tall, handsome... they grew up in the same state, went to the same college, played the same sports, even briefly shared the same career... I guess I have a type.

[jwi71]

I'm going out on a limb here by posting this, but I've been wondering about this lately.

 

Why do men choose women who are SO unlike their wives to have affairs with? And does the woman with the best looks have an advantage in the situation? I know some men who cheat with women who look worse than their own wives... and then there are those who don't.

 

If the other woman is better looking than the wife, is she more of a threat?? I know that if my MM looked a lot better than my husband, I'd probably start wondering if I settled (not the case, they're both gorgeous).

 

And I won't even go into who's better looking between me and his wife, that would be awful... Just looking for opinions.

 

This gets bantered around every so often.

Sometimes they trade up, sometimes down, fatter, slimmer, taller, shorter, bigger breasts, smaller breasts...

But they always pick a WILLING one.

 

The easiest way is to simply ask...why me?

[jthorne]

That's interesting, because that's exactly what I did. My husband and MM look so much alike. Same features, blond hair, the bluest eyes, tall, handsome... they grew up in the same state, went to the same college, played the same sports, even briefly shared the same career... I guess I have a type.

Ok then... what does your OM have that your H doesn't?

 

My xMM did go completely opposite with me. It's what he loved about me, I was completely opposite of her in practically every way. Did I have an advantage? I guess not, since he's still with her.

[alg24]

I'm going out on a limb here by posting this, but I've been wondering about this lately.

 

Why do men choose women who are SO unlike their wives to have affairs with? And does the woman with the best looks have an advantage in the situation? I know some men who cheat with women who look worse than their own wives... and then there are those who don't.

 

If the other woman is better looking than the wife, is she more of a threat?? I know that if my MM looked a lot better than my husband, I'd probably start wondering if I settled (not the case, they're both gorgeous).

 

And I won't even go into who's better looking between me and his wife, that would be awful... Just looking for opinions.

 

For me there was a HUGE age difference with me and my MM.

 

But age aside I was VERY different from the W. The W was a very nice woman but more serious and VERY VERY focused on work. The way she dressed and make up (or lack of it) was not very important to her. She was semi attractive but just plain.

 

I am focused on my job etc. but appear to be much more outgoing and talkative. Looks and make-up holds more of an importance to me...

 

And I am NOT saying I am better looking or she is... Or I dress the part and thats why he comes to me NO NO NO NO! (Hey, we both work around horses... PLENTY of times I looked disgusting)

 

But our personalities were VERY different

 

I honestly think when MM was with me it was a HUGE fantasy come true for him. We were totally DIFFERENT people...

 

But when it comes down to it exMM was a selfish pig. He had the wonderful wife and the young girl on the side. And finally the W had enough...

[califnan]

I think these affairs just happen - and with no thought as to alike or unalike .. but just my opinion as to most instances..

[silktricks]

From these boards, it seems to me that most of the time the OW thinks he's trading up and the BS thinks he's trading down. I doubt the MM thinks too much of either. He's looking for something that he's missing. What that is varies from case to case.

 

What I do know is that there is a lot more to any person than their looks, and to put much focus on who has the "advantage" due to such a superficial quality is demeaning to everyone.

[ladydesigner]

Well in my situation my XOM was not even comparable to my H, I definitely traded down. My H's XAP was also a trading down both in looks department and personality. I think we were both looking for ego boosts and the quickest way to get that usually is by "affairing down" as they say.

[OWoman]

This gets bantered around every so often.

Sometimes they trade up, sometimes down, fatter, slimmer, taller, shorter, bigger breasts, smaller breasts...

But they always pick a WILLING one.

 

The easiest way is to simply ask...why me?

 

Sometimes it's the OW who does the picking.

 

Why do men choose women who are SO unlike their wives to have affairs with?

 

Sometimes they go for difference, some times they go for a "type".

 

AFAIK, I'm nothing at all like any of the Ws / xWs of any of my xMMs, and I'm certainly nothing like my H's xW. Perhaps it was the difference that piqued their curiosity when I hit on them, IDK.

 

OTOH, I've seen many guys pick OWs who are so very like their BWs - sometimes, they could be her younger sister, or daughter, or a newer clone - though in many cases they struggle to see that until it's pointed out to them.

[jthorne]

Sometimes it's the OW who does the picking.

Then you just made jwi's point. The OW was willing. Even more willing if they are doing the picking. Why wouldn't a MM go for one that did the picking? They wouldn't have to go through all the trouble of trying to seduce her. It's like shooting fish into a barrel.

[OWoman]

Then you just made jwi's point. The OW was willing. Even more willing if they are doing the picking. Why wouldn't a MM go for one that did the picking? They wouldn't have to go through all the trouble of trying to seduce her. It's like shooting fish into a barrel.

 

That assumes that all MMs are in the market for an A, and are merely awaiting an opportunity. It's a viewpoint that some share, but not everybody.

[bittersweet memories]

For me there was a HUGE age difference with me and my MM.

 

But age aside I was VERY different from the W. The W was a very nice woman but more serious and VERY VERY focused on work. The way she dressed and make up (or lack of it) was not very important to her. She was semi attractive but just plain.

 

I am focused on my job etc. but appear to be much more outgoing and talkative. Looks and make-up holds more of an importance to me...

 

And I am NOT saying I am better looking or she is... Or I dress the part and thats why he comes to me NO NO NO NO! (Hey, we both work around horses... PLENTY of times I looked disgusting)

 

But our personalities were VERY different

 

I honestly think when MM was with me it was a HUGE fantasy come true for him. We were totally DIFFERENT people...

 

...

 

 

Oh Brother!!!

[herenow]

I think looks matter more to the OW and the BW. I have never seen the OW in my case. I only know what my H has told me. I have to admit that on D-day I was a bit obsessed with the question of who is more attractive, That obsession quickly faded as my own self worth elevated.

 

I'm not sure if my H ever considered her looks as much as her "availability". I'm sure (or at least I hope) she is attractive as it would be unbelievable (IMO) for my H to have an affair with a women who he felt was not appealing.

 

The OW in my case was the complete opposite of me. Different hair color and body type. I think the biggest difference was the fact that I am a very independent woman. I have always been the "fixer", but I never needed fixing. She "needed" him and he liked feeling needed. This is something I learned about myself in MC. I don't like to be "taken care of". I now know it's OK to ask for help and I kind of like it. We are more of a team now and it works much better. Just a little change that I made has made a hugh difference in me and my marriage. Sorry for the TJ.

[Mimolicious]

Are "looks" really such a factor? I've had gorgeous worthless men and not-so-attractive gems! What about getting with someone because of who they are and what they can bring to a relationship?

[Lizzie60]

To be totally honest, I don't think that looks is the main reason why the MM cheats.. sometimes the OW is more beautiful, sometimes she's not.. it's not really about looks.. it could be a zillion other reasons..

 

could be emotional chemistry... physical/sexual attraction... intellectual connection..

[White Flower]

I think looks matter more to the OW and the BW. I have never seen the OW in my case. I only know what my H has told me. I have to admit that on D-day I was a bit obsessed with the question of who is more attractive, That obsession quickly faded as my own self worth elevated.

 

I'm not sure if my H ever considered her looks as much as her "availability". I'm sure (or at least I hope) she is attractive as it would be unbelievable (IMO) for my H to have an affair with a women who he felt was not appealing.

 

The OW in my case was the complete opposite of me. Different hair color and body type. I think the biggest difference was the fact that I am a very independent woman. I have always been the "fixer", but I never needed fixing. She "needed" him and he liked feeling needed. This is something I learned about myself in MC. I don't like to be "taken care of". I now know it's OK to ask for help and I kind of like it. We are more of a team now and it works much better. Just a little change that I made has made a hugh difference in me and my marriage. Sorry for the TJ.

I don't think it's really a t/j. Michelle was asking if looks mattered and I don't think it has anything to do with looks for most people. It's not how pretty or handsome the OP is, it's the way they make you feel.

 

Herenow, your H's exOW made him feel needed. You learned that in MC and now you are the one who makes him feel needed. For your H, that was the clencher.

 

Michelle, I don't think looks makes a big difference. Each individual is looking for something different than what they are getting I think. For me it was more charm, better communication, and yes better looks in MM (I was on the verge of D when EA started) and MM says (but who really knows as beauty is in the eye of the beholder) that I was softer to the touch as well as softer in spirit and also had better communication skills.

[GreenEyedLady]

I don't think it's really a t/j. Michelle was asking if looks mattered and I don't think it has anything to do with looks for most people. It's not how pretty or handsome the OP is, it's the way they make you feel.

 

I think looks matter if that matters to the person. It's all about a person's values and needs. If a person values physical attractiveness, then the one who most meets that need gets "bonus points." And I'm sorry but we all have our "ideal."

 

I think it ends up boiling down to values. What does the person value most? If the person values family, then the BS has the advantage, obviously. I really don't understand why physical attributes are considered shallow. I would never have dated anyone that I wasn't attracted too, and I don't think that's shallow. As a married woman now, I still feel the need to be attractive to my mate. I really don't understand the mindset that I'm married so now I can let myself go. I stay fit for my own personal health.

 

And a person's values don't have to include physical attributes. What's important to one won't be important to another. Who will get him if you want to say it that way, is the one who meets more of his needs. I['m not happy to put it that way, either.

 

GEL

[D-Lish]

That's interesting, because that's exactly what I did. My husband and MM look so much alike. Same features, blond hair, the bluest eyes, tall, handsome... they grew up in the same state, went to the same college, played the same sports, even briefly shared the same career... I guess I have a type.

 

But you're a woman- it's different. Men crave variety.

 

It's rarely about who is more attractive- it's about getting his needs met.

The wife fulfills one role- and the OW completes what is missing for him.

[pureinheart]

I'm going out on a limb here by posting this, but I've been wondering about this lately.

 

Why do men choose women who are SO unlike their wives to have affairs with? And does the woman with the best looks have an advantage in the situation? I know some men who cheat with women who look worse than their own wives... and then there are those who don't.

 

If the other woman is better looking than the wife, is she more of a threat?? I know that if my MM looked a lot better than my husband, I'd probably start wondering if I settled (not the case, they're both gorgeous).

 

And I won't even go into who's better looking between me and his wife, that would be awful... Just looking for opinions.

 

This is a generalization. IMO, based on the men I've known...while no man would turn down a woman that he deems (and others) attractive, at the same time they are totally intimidated.

 

Mature men will always go for the heart and personality first, looks later.

 

Personally I think no matter what the gender, a happy upbeat person will steal the show everytime. Negative, sarcastic people, no matter how attractive/handsom are a downer.

[White Flower]

 

I think it ends up boiling down to values. What does the person value most?

And a person's values don't have to include physical attributes. What's important to one won't be important to another.

GEL

Exactly. Right on point.

[OWoman]

I think it ends up boiling down to values. What does the person value most? And a person's values don't have to include physical attributes. What's important to one won't be important to another.

 

Agreed - as well as context. Different things matter more (or less) to someone at different periods of their life.

 

My xSIL was MOW to a guy who worked with her H. She was nothing like his W in any respect, beyond that they were both driven, high achievers. After both couples Dd, and my xSIL and her fMM got M, she moved to his home country and soon fell pregnant. While she was at home with the baby, he started an A with another driven, high achiever. My xSIL - who was suffering PND at the time - was gutted, and committed suicide with the baby. Her fH dumped the OW, and is now M to another woman who is the spitting image of my xSIL (and who had a baby the age his baby was when she died, when they got together) who isn't ambitious or driven, but happy to be a SAHM. (AFAIK there have been no more OWs since....)

[jennie-jennie]

Agreed - as well as context. Different things matter more (or less) to someone at different periods of their life.

 

My xSIL was MOW to a guy who worked with her H. She was nothing like his W in any respect, beyond that they were both driven, high achievers. After both couples Dd, and my xSIL and her fMM got M, she moved to his home country and soon fell pregnant. While she was at home with the baby, he started an A with another driven, high achiever. My xSIL - who was suffering PND at the time - was gutted, and committed suicide with the baby. Her fH dumped the OW, and is now M to another woman who is the spitting image of my xSIL (and who had a baby the age his baby was when she died, when they got together) who isn't ambitious or driven, but happy to be a SAHM. (AFAIK there have been no more OWs since....)

 

Wow, that was one sad story. So sorry to hear that. How horrible for all involved. PND is a serious condition.

[lovinmylife]

hello,

 

as far as i know and based on my experiences, a lot of men don't consider real beauty based solely on what's on the outside. there's physical beauty that attracts one thing....sex! and then there's beauty within that attracts an actual relationship. yes, having both helps, but it's not going to have as much of an impact as you may think. there are a lot of hollywood type beauties that are single because once the sex is had, what's left? (if this doesn't pertain to you then i'm not talking about you.) he married his wife for a reason. a man is not going to get married if there is nothing there in the first place. have a great day

[joey66]

I have been contemplating this post for quite a while. It is important to me. As both MM and (x?)OM (xMOM?) this is an issue to which I have given much thought, but more so since the advent of this thread. I do not think that looks, or physical appearance in general, are the most important factors. (Except maybe for the successful, wealthy, middle-aged man looking for a trophy wife.)

 

Some men like blonds, some like brunettes. Some men like young women, some (me, me, ME) like mature women. Some men like women who are similar to their Ws, some like women who are very different from their Ws, etc. (In my case MW is very pretty and in many ways similar to my W. Both are intelligent, mature women. They are the same age, have the same level of education, and have approximately the same build.) But these things are personal preferences and we all have our own tastes.

 

I think that most MM want someone who is removed from their everyday lives. As an older MM who has been M for a while, I want someone who has similar life experiences. Someone who has their own set of life issues, but isn't too close to my particular set of life issues. Someone I can talk to about the everyday trials and tribulations that married couples face.

 

My (x?)MW and I are at the same stages of our lives. We share some of the same problems that married, middle-aged parents have to deal with - unruly teenagers, Ms that have fallen into routine, etc. But she is separate from my life. She can relate, but she isn't too close to my particular circumstances. She is someone with whom I can (could? ) commiserate.

 

It's not that she is different from my W or that she is similar to my W. It's not (for me) variety, as D-lish suggested. It's that she is removed from my life.