What does this sound like to you?

[Rosie428]

Can I get everyone's opinion on this...is there any other thing this could be than what I think it means?

 

My husband travels all of the time for work. His jobs vary in length, from 1 month to two, or three. He was working in China for a whole year a few ago, and had an EA, which I am still getting over. I caught him by discovering things he wrote down in his log book for work. I promised him if I ever caught him cheating again, I would leave. Before he left on this job I asked him to call me every day..he did for a while (during the day, not at night) but now it's a few times a week.

 

During the time of that affair, we went to counseling, but it was never resolved because he walked out of the session and wouldn't return. He mostly denied everything, said nothing happened, and even wouldn't admit it was an EA...despite that he wrote romantic words to this young woman, whom was working for him at the time.

 

Things have improved at home since that awful year, when he's at home, but I struggle now when he's away, especially for the fact he doesn't call every day. He was gone last time Feb 1st through mid April, home for a week and left again for 6 weeks, and is due home end of May.

 

I found a small piece of paper in his office this morning, buried amongst his papers with the following notes written in his hand writing. A man's name at the top (someone he spoke to for info) Then the following:

"$475.00 1 hr. room 3:30 - 30 min up to 12 Wh, includes Video & "T" "

 

Is $475 the usual cost for a hooker, room and video?

 

OK...so is this obvious he was thinking of getting a room and a hooker or probably has? Does anyone know what the "T" means after Video?

 

Is there anything else this could possibly be? My therapist, whom I am seeing because I am in turmoil, says I should show it to him when he comes home and give him a chance to explain.

 

One important thing to mention is that I have been a wonderful wife to him...TOO nice! We have a very good sex life when he is home. The most important thing to mention is that before that EA in China, he would call me often on the phone for phone sex. Since that time, he has stopped. He says he loves me, but usually only after I say it first. He used to be much more responsive.

 

It doesn't sound good, does it? I am fearful I am going to have to walk. I am thinking he is living another life when he goes away, and likes his home in tact when he returns, along with his wealth...our real estate.

 

Any help will be very much appreciated!

Edited May 6, 2010 by Rosie428

[PrettyinInk]

wow that is a really horrible situation. you definately need to confront him about it, the unfortunate part is, that you will never know what really happened, you will only know what he tells you.

if you do not leave, at the VERY LEAST make him get an STD test before you have sex with him again.

[redtail]

Rosie, first, I am so sorry! I understand what you're going through and the pain associated with not knowing for sure. Please, during the next few days, take some time for you, with friends so you relieve some of the stress.

 

About the circumstances, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, guess what, it's a duck! You have very good reasons to be suspicious but no, you don't exactly have a smoking gun. Since you uncovered the EA with minimal evidence, your husband has since got better at hiding it. His denial and refusal to continue counseling are big red flags! My ex-wife was similar, she denied everything and went to one counseling session before she said, "This isn't doing us any good". I finally got my "smoking gun" and she denied it until I told her what I knew.

 

If you think you cannot gain any additional evidence, then you'll need to confront him. Make him understand that this is a deal breaker, he needs to do the things that alleviate your fears not try to absolve him from guilt. For youself, for the relationship, both of you need to participate in a resolution, otherwise, you need to consider leaving.

Best of luck to you!!

[carhill]

Time for the world traveler to bring it home. Change jobs, if necessary. If required, he can have his accountant and lawyer tally up the cost-benefit ratio of paying more and faithful attention to his wife.

 

Personally, I wouldn't be married to someone who's never around. Why bother...

[Rosie428]

Thanks to you all..

 

I know Redtail it does look like a duck...I still can't believe it. It's funny how we can be in denial. I saw this note a few weeks ago (he's been gone 3 weeks) and it didn't click...I didn't think anything of it.

 

He will just find a way to deny and I doubt he'll participate...but you are right I need to tell him this is a deal breaker.

 

I am not prepared to go through a divorce...mainly because of the money. He recently opened a separate account that I don't have access to, and has all of his checks transferred into there. He transfers money over as needed. He claimed this was so he could have a been scope on where the money's going. I need to have $5000 down ..and was going to save it in case down the road things didn't work out.

Edited May 6, 2010 by Rosie428

[Rosie428]

jthorne,

 

That's a good point..but he works on ships for a living...in drydockings..

 

He oversees the work being done on the ship..so that would make him a project manager of sorts.

 

And the "Wh," before the words Video & "T" I think would be the other word for hooker.

 

Where it says "3:30 - ", isn't that when most check in?

 

Good guess though, but he wouldn't rent a room for video, I don't believe...still if he comes up with that answer then he saves himself.

[Rosie428]

I would feel awful if it was something like that...

 

Do you guys think this is a possibility? Well, we'll see when he comes home and gets confronted.

[Feelin Frisky]

His job takes him away. It must be a little difficult for him too if he's younger and vital. I'm sorry but you did catch him in a seemingly meaningful relationship with someone else at one time. But you have to have interests and a social life and not just sit idly codependent as life goes on this way year after year. A hooker, even if it is true, is not the same thing a a love affair. And it might be part of male bravado of the business culture he interacts with. I agree with insisting on testing for testing for STD's all things considered. But keep an eye on yourself and be sure that you don't be co-dependent, neurotic, obsessed by things you can't control. I'm not saying you should have an affair, just find something social to occupy your time. Continuing education is an easy suggestion. If you already are well degreed, find yourself some way to fulfill the knowledge you have.

 

Above all, if you look at that as retaliation, you'll miss the whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing and instead open a crack for contentiousness and competition which will doom your relationship.

[Rosie428]

OK....now I looked on the cell phone log, and called one of the numbers he had dialed. It was a strip club.

 

All fitting together...

 

When I looked at the website of the club..they offer private rooms with couches....I bet this is what the price was for..the $475.

Edited May 6, 2010 by Rosie428

[Always A Lesson]

Rosie, It seems whatever your H is doing he's been doing it a long time. He's probably a pro at hiding it by now. Some guys are so good at it they can write books on how to cheat.

 

First... get ready for the ride. You need concrete evidence, the people on LS can guide you with that. Unfortunately by what you've said, I don't think he's gonna pass the test. Your H spends long amounts of time away from home, he could have several families out there....

 

Once you've gathered the evidence, then do all the necessary legal things you need to do to protect yourself.

 

This is all life changing, but at least you'll know...

Best of luck.

[Always A Lesson]

Rosie, it seems he's getting some side action......maybe it's not an A.

 

Either way, he's putting JR. where it doesn't belong !!!!!!!

 

Good work Rosie.

[Rosie428]

Hi FFrisky,

 

Thank you for your suggestions and perspective...I do try to fill my time while he's away with art classes, work, friends, and my teenage daughter. But I find I am always feeling neglected by my husband. I think it's even more important to keep in touch and call, send emails and texts while separated, and he doesn't do this nearly as he used to. He missed calling me on our 23rd anniversary last week, and my birthday...I have decided to stop calling him...it seems I was always the one.

 

I have emailed him, he doesn't respond unless it's desperate for some reason. I text him I love him, no response. He is overseas right now in the middle east...but it shouldn't make any difference whether he's in the states or overseas. We have rental property that needs attention, and I work full time...I feel I am doing all the work and getting only a roof over my head and decent house to live in.

 

The only thing I ever wanted was a good relationship with him...I love him very much, but am not sure how much more I can take.

 

I understand what you mean about how it's hard for him..and the difference between an emotional involvement and physical. But yet he is seeking a room with a young sexy girl while I wait at home for him. I am not the vengeful type...so that won't happen. I just need to think about myself and maybe a better life with a man who is better to me.

[Rosie428]

Always a Lesson,

 

Thanks...I don't know how long it's been going on. I always felt good when he called me for phone sex because even though I wouldn't necessarily be "into" it myself...I thought at least he was coming to me for release.

 

Maybe now that I have gained 30 extra lbs. he's lost interest and those young strippers are the turn on.

[Rosie428]

Always...How can I gather concrete evidence? All I have is the note..

[MadMission]

I am not prepared to go through a divorce...mainly because of the money. He recently opened a separate account that I don't have access to, and has all of his checks transferred into there. He transfers money over as needed. He claimed this was so he could have a been scope on where the money's going. I need to have $5000 down ..and was going to save it in case down the road things didn't work out.

 

 

Hi Rosie,

 

I just wanted to mention something here.

If you are thinking D for whatever reasons, consult with a lawyer. The 1st consultation is often free. Tell the lawyer about this separate account and ask how to manage it since you have no access to it.

 

You may be able to file a Legal Separation which separates finances TODAY even if you have not filed for D yet.

 

You are entitled to 50% of all assets acquired during the marriage. This includes all bank accts, investments, his pension, the house, etc. This includes 50% of the $$$$ in H's separate account, too. Anything his name or social security number are attached to... will be found. Thus, this account will be found...and pretty easily since you will be able to tell the lawyer he has it. Filing a Legal Separation will prevent your H from funneling off any cash and stashing it or from tampering with your financial stuff.

 

Make an appt with a lawyer to discuss all this. Know your rights. Know your options. Have a plan...just in case.

 

I wish you all the best.

[PhoenixRise]

Rosie

 

Please make seeing a lawyer your first priority.

 

Do you work outside the home?

 

How much control over the finances do you have?

 

If you and your H have considerable assets, the fact that he has changed his way of doing business, opened a separate account that you don't have access to, and had all of HIS paychecks moved to that account is worrying.

 

I think you and the other posters are right, the charges you found are shady. He is likely cheating.

 

Make copies of any financial information and place it in a safe place outside your home.

 

This whole thing stinks.

[Snowflower]

I am not prepared to go through a divorce...mainly because of the money. He recently opened a separate account that I don't have access to, and has all of his checks transferred into there. He transfers money over as needed. He claimed this was so he could have a been scope on where the money's going. I need to have $5000 down ..and was going to save it in case down the road things didn't work out.

 

OMG, Rosie...this is not good. But I think you know that...you sound like a smart cookie!

 

What you write here sounds a lot like the situation I dealt with my fWH with practically the same explanation...'to watch where the money was going.'

 

Seek legal counsel and let the attorney know what you suspect about the other account. Even if you don't have any evidence (statements or whatever), they can still find the secret account. I'm no legal expert but experience taught me more than I ever needed to know.

 

Don't ignore this...it's THAT serious.

[KikiW]

I was also going to advise seeing a lawyer - get a referral, and see if they can do a consult for little to no money (borrow if you absolutely must - can a parent or sibling help? Close friend?). And the first thing out of your mouth should be about this secret account.

 

Any lawyer worth their salt will know exactly what they need to do to access that money.

 

In the meantime, gather evidence - print emails of you discussing his infidelities, denials, and if you have gmail you can print entire conversation threads (and as you say he doesn't respond to your emails it will show his was uncommunicative to the thread). See if you can access the bank account statements - there may be a bank account number in the statement that shows what account he transfered money in from.

 

Go in armed with information and while you may not come out with the exact lifestyle you have now, you won't be left in the gutter. You have a long history, right? The longer, the more entitled you are to be taken care of.

 

PS: It should go without saying that you should keep all this very close to the vest around him. You don't want to let him know you are snooping around or he will start shuffling money off somewhere else or spending it like water. Keep your head and be smart and you will be just fine.

[Rosie428]

You guys are great, thanks!

 

I did consult an attorney two years ago when I found out about the EA. I spoke with several and chose him, and met with him. We left it that he would be there if i needed him, but he hoped I wouldn't.

 

I have no control over the finances now that he's having all of his checks automatically deposited into that account. I do understand somewhat of what can be done...the attorney practices in both the state of where we live and the state where the properties we own are..we own a few rental properties, but we rent a home in a separate state because the business isn't doing well and we can't save enough to buy. (plus my daughter is in a better HS where we live)

 

I have no money to give the atty...he said given the complexity of our case he would need $5000 down..or at least $3000 and he would go after my husband for the rest...We get rental income in ...and so I could get my hands on that and pull the rug out from under him. It is $3K...or I could wait until next month...at that time he will be getting home.

 

Yes, I do work outside of the home and make a decent salary, but I am a contractor and have no security...and I don't make anywhere near what he makes.

 

My plan was to save $ over the next year and make a decision then as my daughter will be graduating HS. But if I get the same old story from him when I confront him this time then I am putting up with the same old. Even then I don't have concrete proof and push him to be even more careful to cover-up what he does.

 

Where he wrote down the information for the private room do you think he really did it? Do these girls do whatever the guy wants? Sorry if am I being naive!

[Rosie428]

OK...I called the strip club where he called and inquired about the private rooms as if I wanted to give my brother a "gift" for his birthday. She said they don't do any more than "lap dances" in the private rooms, and they don't have video, so I guess this wasn't the place he called about...although he obviously went there.

[Rosie428]

Kiwi,

 

Do you think I would be better off to bide my time and not let him know I found this note, and see what else I can catch him on?

 

My therapist said she thinks I should confront him and tell him this is serious and he better have an explanation. She doesn't know my husband though. I think he opened the sep. account because I mentioned the "D" word in a fight just before he did it. I told him I meant it at the time because I just don't want bad fights like that one in my life anymore. (it's been a rocky 23 years) But I told him I really didn't want a divorce. One month later he opened this account.

 

He's a very smart guy usually except he gets messy and leaves things I can find. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't already have money in another account overseas.

[redtail]

...

Sorry if am I being naive!

 

Rosie, you're a sweetheart and please, do not blame yourself. You see the 30 lbs and think of all the things these other women may do that you don't. Guess what, it's not your fault if your husband is cheating, please remember that!

 

I know also that you say you're not ready for divorce, believe me when I say, nobody truly is. Especially the first time, it's a mental stumbling block to think that "happily ever after" isn't gonna happen. And I understand, but you will come out of this stronger.

 

It's sounds like you are doing the right things, you must be dilegent because there are some serious red flags. The seperate bank account is another one of them. In my opinion, that account is for things he doesn't want you to know about. Maybe there's a good explanation, but it's a definite red flag.

 

Please take the advise PhoenixRise and see a lawyer. I understand your reservations, really. It seems so final, but you need to look after yourself and have someone on your side.

 

Take care!

[Rosie428]

Thanks Redtail!

 

I very much appreciate your kind words. I have an attorney lined up...but I know he will say "do you want to proceed.."

Do you still think I should talk to the attorney again?

 

You are right in every thing you said...

 

I will play this out when he gets home. I told him on the way to the airport having the separate account wasn't acceptable, especially because if something happened to him God forbid while overseas if he were hurt and disabled, I would have no access to any money, and we would lose everything. What if he were killed, or had a stroke?

 

I can discuss the money situation again and see if he will budge, which I don't think he will, and confront him with this note and the phone call to the strip club, or I can not mention the note and continue on...I just don't want to trigger him hiding the money further. As I said he's smart and is VERY cautious.

[KikiW]

I can only tell you what I would do if I were in your place, obviously I am not you though so you need to make decisions based on your comfort level.

 

If my partner had a history of an EA to which he never really admitted, he storms out of MC, he hides money and doles out what's only needed for expenses, he doesn't communicate, he leaves cryptic messages about the costs of things that looks suspiciously like a hotel room and perhaps "extra services"... my mind would be made up.

 

I would hire the attorney I was comfortable with, no matter the cost (around here attorneys can make one spouse responsible for paying all attorney fees, so potential for getting it back in the end). I would make sure my spouse was unaware of my intentions until the last minute so he couldn't do as much damage (like trying to hide the assets, spending money, etc).

 

Again, this is just me, but I would also be thinking of my child and making sure I was doing everything I could to make her as comfortable as secure as possible.

[Rosie428]

OK...I totally owe you all an apology..I figured out what the note was for, and it was nothing. I kept on looking at the words "Video & "T" and thought...usually if there's a DVD player and movies it's referred to as "Movies", not video.

 

Anyway, I remembered that we took our daughter to an indoor sky diving place, and he had called about a birthday party, thus the words "1 hour room", and 30 minutes up to 12, meaning 30 minutes each child, up to 12 kids. And the video is included, and a "T" shirt.

 

I am SO SORRY...I feel SO FOOLISH! But this is my issue and why I am seeking therapy, because I don't trust him yet and have times when I drive myself crazy. She says it's because the EA wasn't completely resolved. I am also going to go to co-dependent meetings, because I think I do too much for him, and need help developing healthy boudaries.

 

At least through this I did find out he goes to strip clubs when he's away...not sure how to handle that one. I think it's inappropriate and I don't like it, but if I tell him I know then he knows I was snooping.

 

I still will be keeping an eye on him, but as my therapist said, I have to make a conscious decision to trust him again.

 

Thank you all for your concern, and still your advice about the $ is well taken. I am still going to keep my plan, which is to put money aside and save up over the next year in case I do decide to exit. Then, I am going to make a decision at that time when my daughter goes off to college.