Whatthewhat Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years, and are planning to move in with each other in a few months. He's 35, I'm 28. We have had our fair share of problems but are now stronger than ever...except for the fact that I practically have to beg for sex. Now I consider myself to be very sexual, and would LOVE to have sex everyday, but I realize thats not always realistic, so we would have sex 3-5 times a week. But we are at the point now where we have sex maybe once a month, and gives me pity foreplay several times a month. He's always had an issue with getting hard...or staying hard. He used to drink a lot, but has now stopped. His problem seemed to get better, then stopped. So he started taking these herbs or something. Again, it got better, then stopped. I begged him to go to a doctor, and he did, and found that he has low testosterone, and now takes testosterone. Again, sadly, it progressed, then failed. His doctor gave him Cialis, but he won't take it. He doesn't even try, and says that "he's just not that interested in sex." Yet I know for a fact that he watches porn on the internet every single day. Hmm... I have had my fair share of body issues, but I certainly didn't have a hard time with my ex, who worshiped my body. He wanted to have sex all the time. I've never had a hard time meeting people, I mean, I'm not a supermodel, but I'm not ugly. Most of my life people have told me I was beautiful, so I didn't think I was too bad, you know? But now, I am seriously doubting myself, thinking that I am not good enough. Now I am obsessed with losing weight, thinking that I will lose him if I don't tone up. It's completely irrational, I know. But if he is passing up sex with me for girls that don't believe in eating and feel the need to jam plastic in their ta-tas, I don't know what else to think. Oh, and I am not anti-porn. I don't have a problem with it unless I am only getting laid once a month... Every other aspect of our relationship is ridiculously perfect so...what's wrong? He treats me like a queen, and no, he is NOT gay. I know he's not watching straight porn for the men, trust me. Not eating the hot dog for the wiener, you know? So, does he think I am suddenly not attractive? Regardless of the fact that I have actually lost weight since we have been together? Is he just proud? Please, someone clue me in.
Lauriebell82 Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Some guys just have a low sex drive. Has he been depressed lately? Are you SURE he stopped drinking? Do you know if he is using other drugs (illicit ones?) I know that substance abuse can sometimes lead to sexual dysfunction and decreased sex drive. What is his reasoning for not wanting to have sex with you? I would find out exactly what his deal is..I also think you should consult a doctor yourself about the issue. He is either hiding something or there really is a serious medical problem. I have to say that it sounds fishy that you went from 3-5 times per week to once per month..that's a pretty drastic change. My fiance and I have sex less then we used to but that's not due to his sexual functioning. You need to figure this out..and soon!
DGM Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 well, by the mere fact that he's watching porn tells me he's interested in sex, but perhaps not with you. If he truly had a low sex drive, he wouldn't be interested in porn either. So, I would sit him down and ask him what the problem is, citing that he watches porn and that's proof enough that he does have a sex drive.
Malenfant Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 well, by the mere fact that he's watching porn tells me he's interested in sex, but perhaps not with you. If he truly had a low sex drive, he wouldn't be interested in porn either. So, I would sit him down and ask him what the problem is, citing that he watches porn and that's proof enough that he does have a sex drive. i dont necessarily agree with this. I was in a long term relationship with a man like this. Unlike OP's partner, he wouldnt seek help for his low libido, merely saying he wasnt bothered about having sex. My ex used to watch porn, but really wasnt bothered about having sex. There are people who would rather just watch and masturbate than have sex. I ended up leaving my relationship after years, and ended up with a very low libido. I used to have a high one, but years of rejection takes its toll, and its totally natural to start questioning what you're doing wrong. you need to think about the very real possibility that your life with this man wont change as far as sex goes, and how important it is to you. it sounds selfish to put sex about all the other things you value in a relationship, but you have to be realistic about what you want long term.
callalilly Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 my guess would be that the erectile dysfuntion is what is keeping him from initiating sex w/you. Fear of not being able to perform. Did you read the recent news that ED is strongly correlated w heart disease? It's often earliest sign.
Fouts Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 Malenfant made some very good points. Once attraction is gone, it never comes back. It's more than visual, so whatever you do to improve your appearance isn't going to help. It's just one of those strange things about chemistry between men and women. If it makes you feel any better you're in the vast majority, so don't take it personally. Most couples just stay together, because they don't have alot of options outside of each other and don't want to be alone.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years, and are planning to move in with each other in a few months. He's 35, I'm 28. We have had our fair share of problems but are now stronger than ever...except for the fact that I practically have to beg for sex. Now I consider myself to be very sexual, and would LOVE to have sex everyday, but I realize thats not always realistic, so we would have sex 3-5 times a week. But we are at the point now where we have sex maybe once a month, and gives me pity foreplay several times a month. He's always had an issue with getting hard...or staying hard. He used to drink a lot, but has now stopped. His problem seemed to get better, then stopped. So he started taking these herbs or something. Again, it got better, then stopped. I begged him to go to a doctor, and he did, and found that he has low testosterone, and now takes testosterone. Again, sadly, it progressed, then failed. His doctor gave him Cialis, but he won't take it. He doesn't even try, and says that "he's just not that interested in sex." Yet I know for a fact that he watches porn on the internet every single day. Hmm... I have had my fair share of body issues, but I certainly didn't have a hard time with my ex, who worshiped my body. He wanted to have sex all the time. I've never had a hard time meeting people, I mean, I'm not a supermodel, but I'm not ugly. Most of my life people have told me I was beautiful, so I didn't think I was too bad, you know? But now, I am seriously doubting myself, thinking that I am not good enough. Now I am obsessed with losing weight, thinking that I will lose him if I don't tone up. It's completely irrational, I know. But if he is passing up sex with me for girls that don't believe in eating and feel the need to jam plastic in their ta-tas, I don't know what else to think. Oh, and I am not anti-porn. I don't have a problem with it unless I am only getting laid once a month... Every other aspect of our relationship is ridiculously perfect so...what's wrong? He treats me like a queen, and no, he is NOT gay. I know he's not watching straight porn for the men, trust me. Not eating the hot dog for the wiener, you know? So, does he think I am suddenly not attractive? Regardless of the fact that I have actually lost weight since we have been together? Is he just proud? Please, someone clue me in. OMG this is a mirror-image of my relationship! He even claimed the health problem and passed up sex for porn. Started off hot a heavy and now just..... nothing without you pleading. OMG I feel for you. I am so sorry dear but you have a porn addict. You really do. These guys have their wiring kind of screwed up and they want the "fresh" and the "new," they are so great at first and then, things just fall flat! Look up porn addiction right away. I totally thought, "oh no way" but really if he is looking at porn and not interested in sex and you know he had a sky high sex drive before, it didn't just disappear. Furthermore their is a LOT nowadays that can be done about it IF your partner wants to come out of denial and work on it. THIS IS NOT A REGULAR RELATIONSHIP THE RULES ARE A LITTLE DIFFERENT, take it from someone who knows exactly the rejecting feelings. it sucks. PM me when you can.
dreamingoftigers Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 "he's just not that interested in sex." this is EXACTLY the line he used too LOL Are you in a sexless relationship with my husband too? LOL
spiderowl Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 (edited) Sorry, but if he's not willing to go for help or try various possibilities, then there's nothing you can do. He may have a low sex drive, he may have erection difficulties, who knows? The main thing is you feel deprived and he's not even trying to provide whatever he can in this area. Once a month would not be enough for me. Quite honestly, don't move in with him. Lack of sexual satisfaction will drag the relationship down (as it already is doing) and it is pointless to take further steps towards commitment under the circumstances. No-one should have to live without a good sex life, if at all humanly possible. No matter how much I cared for a man, if he wasn't interested in making sure I was satisfied in that way, then that would be the end of the relationship. (This is barring illness or other good reason, of course.) Edited May 9, 2010 by spiderowl
whichwayisup Posted May 9, 2010 Posted May 9, 2010 Yet I know for a fact that he watches porn on the internet every single day. Hmm... Then come right out and ask him if he gets and stays hard while watching porn. It sounds like he has gotten used to his own hand, and needs porn to stimulate him, your body isn't enough. THAT IS NOT a slight against you, it isn't about you at all, it's about him and his habit that's now interferring in your sex life. There's nothing wrong with you, so whatever you do, don't blame yourself or let what he is doing make you feel insecure.
Major Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Unfortunately, my ex is a nice man. I can't say he changed. When we met, he had a low sex drive and I had a high sex drive, however, I thought that we had a life time to discover each other and the other values really brought our lives together perfectly. Except for the fact that after 2 years, we were married for 15 and we didn't have our son until our 10th year, I had guys asking me out every other day at least, and I would politely show them my ring and say I am married. We went to counseling actually, and he had no problem getting it up. I lost the weight after my son very, quickly because I am used to working out and taking care of myself. He had a depression problem, confidence issues, and he couldn't control finances. Usually, I had to end up correcting financial pitfalls, although I would just sit back and let him make the decisions first. When men don't feel adequate in areas that are really important to them, no matter how we reach out or love them, it is tough all around, especially sexually. I did ask him about his previous sexual relationships, in a gentle and kind way when we first started, and many of the women cheated on him. Red flag. Yes, however, I didn't know all the issues at that time. (Depression, illiteracy, etc.) It was fine when we started, however, it wasn't mind boggling. I am a confident woman, so I didn't mind initiating or telling him what I liked. However, it was just never apart of him. His emotions were elsewhere. He never cheated on me. I trusted him with everything that was in me, and he wasn't into porn. It was a mental, disability almost. Only problem is, he didn't want to seek help for it and I couldn't cure it. Look at the big picture. Then decide what's going on with your mate. Maybe you can help and then again, maybe he can only help himself.
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