taylor13 Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 I realize "competing" is the wrong word - but I can't help but feel that way. He never goes into much detail about his first, but on the occasions we have gotten on the subject of 'past relationships' he just looks so sad Here's what I know. They were together 4 years ago back in college and took a "break" after having problems in their relationship (I have yet to ask for explicit details). In that time, I guess she started seeing someone else. And now I think she's still with him...I don't know for sure. Anyway the other night we were talking about "learning" from past breakups and he said something like "i really screwed up my last relationship". I asked if he cheated on her and he said no. I then wanted to say that SHE sounded like the loser who started dating somebody else, but I bit my lip. Am I right to be bothered, or should I just accept the fact that some people will always be a little sensitive about their first love? I've dated people in the past but I've never had that crazy roller coaster first love so it's difficult for me to have that perspective.
Ronni_W Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 If you don't personalize it -- let's say your post was about a brother or really good male friend who acted this way about his "first lost love" (or even, a sister of good female friend)... Then, you can realize that you're not "competing" with anyone about anything, and your concern for your sibling or friend's emotional well-being would be valid, I think. Because it does sound as if this person is still suffering to one or another extent from that loss, does it not? NOT that they want it back -- that could be where your thoughts are headed, which is making you feel uncomfortable-queasy -- but that there are bits and pieces that they haven't yet figured out; still have doubts or unanswered questions about, etc. (It's NOT about the ex anymore, but about the doubts and questions that persist.) When there is an appropriate opening for such a conversation, you could ask him what he learned from his experience, or what is his best guess at what lessons were available for him to learn. How, exactly, does he think he screwed up? What facts and evidence is he using to support his theory that he screwed up? Ask him to tell you his current thoughts and feelings about it, and especially ask him how all of it relates to his relationship with you. (Just keep making it about him, and about him-and-you. It's not about her, and it's not about you alone. If that makes sense?) I agree with you to not get into details and specifics -- those do not matter anymore...and are not really your business, in any case. But it IS your business if he is dragging along his own emotional baggage that could interfere with his ability to be a fully engaged partner -- you get to choose if you want to be in relationship with someone like that. It is HIS business, however, if he decides to do the work to learn whatever lessons there are to be learned, and to fully heal/recover from whatever issues surfaced for him as the result of his experience. If you make it about her, your trying to have conversations about HIM and HIS current state of mind and heart most likely will not be productive or effective. He could become defensive (perceive it as him being "accused" of something) and you risk coming off clingy-needy-jealous (which, I get that you're not currently feeling that way.) Best of luck.
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