EthanH Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 hi, not sure why i'm writing this, don't know if i want or need advice, not sure what there really is to say. I haven't spoken to my ex for over a month now. i sent her a letter which I know she got last friday. It wasn't really about tring to persuade her, but then again, i want her to regret her decision, it was emotional, but also honest and certainly wasn't 'please take me back' at all. I let one friend read it this week, and they said it was the most romantic thing they have ever read. She apparently went home the weekend after she got the letter, I think it was a un-planned trip...and I know home is the place that she always finds she ends up thinking about stuff... as there isn't much to do (she always complained about it) Problem is, I live in such a small college town. I'm getting along fine, basically being on auto-pilot, at the weekend I hooked up with a girl but stopped before anything really happened as I just felt almost guilty as I still want me ex...i felt stupid as I did really think the girl was hot. The problem is, we live in the same tiny college town, every time I feel better/have managed to put her out of my mind, it seems I end up bumping into her. Friday she is round my flat when I get in at about 6am as one of my flatmates was drunk and she called her to come round (this is the ONLY place I thought I was safe from seeing her, and although my flatmates have been really great, they are friends with her and she is always going to be round here) it just hit me as she was the last person I thought I would see. She just hid behind my flatmate, I hardly noticed her as I was speaking to someone else, and she just left without a word. Then last night, I was leaving a bar when she walked in, just as i was leaving, said hi to my friend, and gave an awkward smile. I felt fine before, and seeing her just kills me. I'm fighting the feeling of missing her every day, and seeing her hurts so much, but I know I need to not hide, I need to socialise/do my own thing in town, and that means I'm always going to see her. The worst thing is, all my friends say that she made the wrong decision (and that isn't just people saying stuff to make me feel better) and I know she misses me (she admits it) and she told me when we got back not to believe she is sure about her decision... so when I see her my instinct is to say something but while it seemed worthwhile before, it just seems pointless now, I don't even know what I would say if i spoke to her. I said everything in the letter.
Chochobong Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 Yes, it sucks that you're in a small college town and are bound to run into her often, but you can still do NC and avoid her as much as possible. You need to focus on the negative aspects of your relationship and the recent crap she has put you through. Even after 2 months I still have vulnerable moments where I think about the good times or have a short cry, but these are less frequent and they are just "moments" now and not "days" like they used to be. More than not I have entire days where she doesn't cross my mind. My EX still says she loves and still has feelings for me, but in the end it doesn't mean jack since she doesn't want to be with me. Also start re-reading your own advice. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2779390#post2779390 I think you know you have all the information you need. Now... TAKE BACK CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE
Chochobong Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 Your flatmates should be respectful and not invite her over when you are there. Otherwise, you need to leave when she does come over. Cut out all lingering connections to her (e.g. Facebook, phone, e-mail, etc.). Do what you need to do to help yourself heal and get over her and stop worrying what other people will think. Confidence and civility on your part will put others in their place if they question you. Dwelling on her will not make her come back. There are no magic words or actions at this point on your part that can make her come back and be the person you fell in love with. Acceptance, my friend.
Ilovecake Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 The worst thing is, all my friends say that she made the wrong decision (and that isn't just people saying stuff to make me feel better) and I know she misses me (she admits it) and she told me when we got back not to believe she is sure about her decision... so when I see her my instinct is to say something but while it seemed worthwhile before, it just seems pointless now, I don't even know what I would say if i spoke to her. I said everything in the letter. How would your friends know what the right decision for this girls is? Only she knows that and since she's not crawling back to you she obviously thinks she made the right decision. Why would you even consider speaking with her when she ignores you whenever you see her? She obviously doesn't want to speak with you. Just leave her alone and move on with your life. Don't dissect everything this girl ever said to you because people say a lot of things they might feel in the moment but don't later on or sometimes they just say stuff to defuse the situation. Obsessing about the things she said in the past isn't going to get you anywhere. Only her actions can give you an inkling into how she feels.
northstar1 Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 hi, not sure why i'm writing this, don't know if i want or need advice, not sure what there really is to say. I haven't spoken to my ex for over a month now. i sent her a letter which I know she got last friday. It wasn't really about tring to persuade her, but then again, i want her to regret her decision, it was emotional, but also honest and certainly wasn't 'please take me back' at all. I let one friend read it this week, and they said it was the most romantic thing they have ever read. She apparently went home the weekend after she got the letter, I think it was a un-planned trip...and I know home is the place that she always finds she ends up thinking about stuff... as there isn't much to do (she always complained about it) Problem is, I live in such a small college town. I'm getting along fine, basically being on auto-pilot, at the weekend I hooked up with a girl but stopped before anything really happened as I just felt almost guilty as I still want me ex...i felt stupid as I did really think the girl was hot. The problem is, we live in the same tiny college town, every time I feel better/have managed to put her out of my mind, it seems I end up bumping into her. Friday she is round my flat when I get in at about 6am as one of my flatmates was drunk and she called her to come round (this is the ONLY place I thought I was safe from seeing her, and although my flatmates have been really great, they are friends with her and she is always going to be round here) it just hit me as she was the last person I thought I would see. She just hid behind my flatmate, I hardly noticed her as I was speaking to someone else, and she just left without a word. Then last night, I was leaving a bar when she walked in, just as i was leaving, said hi to my friend, and gave an awkward smile. I felt fine before, and seeing her just kills me. I'm fighting the feeling of missing her every day, and seeing her hurts so much, but I know I need to not hide, I need to socialise/do my own thing in town, and that means I'm always going to see her. The worst thing is, all my friends say that she made the wrong decision (and that isn't just people saying stuff to make me feel better) and I know she misses me (she admits it) and she told me when we got back not to believe she is sure about her decision... so when I see her my instinct is to say something but while it seemed worthwhile before, it just seems pointless now, I don't even know what I would say if i spoke to her. I said everything in the letter. Ethan, You need to stop making excuses all the time for her. You are trying so hard to find every reason why she hasn't come back. She's scared, she thinks you moved on, she can't cope etc. You are trying to forecast and project and find reasons why she is doing everything. The only thing you need to see and accept is that she isn't at your door apologizing, saying she made a mistake and wanting to do whatever it takes to make it work. Everything else means nothing. Nothing. You can tell me I'm wrong, that I don't know your ex, that it's not black and white. That's fine, I don't mind being wrong. But you need accept reality here. You need to look after yourself now man. Seriously. This girl is young, immature and isn't ready for a grownup relationship. Just the fact she came to your place and hid from you and said nothing sums it up right there.
GrayClouds Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 hi, not sure why i'm writing this, don't know if i want or need advice, not sure what there really is to say. I haven't spoken to my ex for over a month now. i sent her a letter which I know she got last friday. Do you not see the contradiction in those two substances. NC means no contact by you. You are inflicting pain on yourself and then wondering why it hurts. It wasn't really about tring to persuade her, but then again, i want her to regret her decision, it was emotional, but also honest and certainly wasn't 'please take me back' at all. Do you not see the contradiction in those two substances. NC means no contact by you. You are inflicting pain on yourself and then wondering why it hurts. I let one friend read it this week, and they said it was the most romantic thing they have ever read. Why are you trying to romance someone who has told you they are not interested any more? Letter like that only makes you feel worst and them better, a generous act but counterproductive to your healing. Start being kind to yourself first. She apparently went home the weekend after she got the letter, I think it was a un-planned trip...and I know home is the place that she always finds she ends up thinking about stuff... as there isn't much to do (she always complained about it) Time to be honest with yourself, you are still holding on, you are trying to read her mind, feed hope. Stop trying to think about her motivation, refocus on you. Problem is, I live in such a small college town. I'm getting along fine, basically being on auto-pilot, at the weekend I hooked up with a girl but stopped before anything really happened as I just felt almost guilty as I still want me ex...i felt stupid as I did really think the girl was hot. Small town makes it harder. Thought he bigger problem is your ego will not let you admit you are hurting. Your ego is having you write romantic letters, your ego is trying to keep hope alive, your ego is trying to hook up with someone new before you have allow yourself to heal from the break-up, your ego is making you feel stupid for doing the right thing and not hooking up. The problem is, we live in the same tiny college town, every time I feel better/have managed to put her out of my mind, it seems I end up bumping into her. Friday she is round my flat when I get in at about 6am as one of my flatmates was drunk and she called her to come round (this is the ONLY place I thought I was safe from seeing her, and although my flatmates have been really great, they are friends with her and she is always going to be round here) it just hit me as she was the last person I thought I would see. She just hid behind my flatmate, I hardly noticed her as I was speaking to someone else, and she just left without a word. Then last night, I was leaving a bar when she walked in, just as i was leaving, said hi to my friend, and gave an awkward smile. Again the problem is not the size of the city. It is your ego getting in the way. It is keeping you from telling your flatmates that this break up is hard on you and for the time being please refrain for inviting her to the place. You ego I felt fine before, and seeing her just kills me. I'm fighting the feeling of missing her every day, and seeing her hurts so much, but I know I need to not hide, I need to socialise/do my own thing in town, and that means I'm always going to see her. Of course it hurts to see her, your not alone with this. It is natural and hard to controll but what you can control is how you decide to do your own thing. Time to think of ways to do so that minimize that contact, some new hobbies, make some new friends, refocus on old hobbies. The worst thing is, all my friends say that she made the wrong decision (and that isn't just people saying stuff to make me feel better) and I know she misses me (she admits it) and she told me when we got back not to believe she is sure about her decision... so when I see her my instinct is to say something but while it seemed worthwhile before, it just seems pointless now, I don't even know what I would say if i spoke to her. I said everything in the letter. Again this is your ego talking. Of course they are going to say it was wrong, of course she is going to say she miss you. Your ego knows all this stuff about what she thinks, why she is behaving like she does, what she means but remember as much as your ego thinks it knows, it was surprised by the break-up. The simple fact is you do not know anything for sure and gets in your way of healing every time you think you do. The good news is your self esteem is kicking in and fighting your ego. For it is pointless and is more self loving to not say a word and take care of yourself. Your getting there, slowly, but remember ego often gets in the way of what is good for us, it gets in the way of growing self esteem.
Author EthanH Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 Again the problem is not the size of the city. It is your ego getting in the way. It is keeping you from telling your flatmates that this break up is hard on you and for the time being please refrain for inviting her to the place. You ego ok so i understand you cannot get everything right as you don't know the whole situation but i just need to say about this. My flatmates know, really really know how hard I'm finding this, I mean, they have seen what a mess I have been, they have seen me in the early days when I hardly left my room... but the problem is, one of my flatmates is best friends with her and drunken logic (both my ex and my flatmate) means that they always end up around my flat after they go out...and this isn't about my ego, it's about the fact that my friend/flatmate is best friends with her. The problem is, I totally understand the difficult position my flatmate is in, she cannot really take sides, nor would I want her to, but at the same time it is a nightmare seeing her. I can have a good day, and then seeing her rips me up again. I have explained this, but it is difficult for anyone to do anything about it. I guess I just have to hang on until the summer when we will both leave this annoying bubble of a town.
northstar1 Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 ethan we get your pain, having the ex around. trust me. i get it. it's bad enough that my ex lives in my general neighbourhood and there is the fear that i'll run into her at some point and be taken off kilter. i would just sit down with your flatmate and say "look, i know you are good mates, and i'm not asking you to take sides, but it is hard for me to move on when she's over here". if she has any shred of maturity, she will get it. so would your ex. she must realize it bothers you to see her, so either she is just really immature, or is playing a cruel game. either way, circle the calendar for the summer when you can really get out and move on.
mickleb Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I've been in that situation before. Where my flatmate was really good friends with my ex. I told him I didn't want to see my ex anymore. He completely respected that and so went out to see the ex, or went to his. Either your flatmate has respect for you, or she doesn't. It's not a big deal for her to do this. (It's also very disrespectful of your ex to come to your home. I hope you understand this.)
Recommended Posts