need friends input!

[shadowplay]

I put this in the dating section because I know it'd get very few views elsewhere.

 

So I'm re-channeling the energy that used to be directed at snagging guys into making some female friends. Finally. Haven't had any in 8 years since I was 18, and that was mostly a conscious choice.

 

I'm extremely shy, and there aren't any girls at my university I really talk to on a regular basis. But there are three friend "possibilities." One is this really cool, smart chick in my class. She's a fellow art student graduating this semester, but she may be around for the summer (I don't know). She's very friendly, and always talks to me when I see her. I had told her I would try to make it to her BFA thesis show on Sunday, but couldn't because I was swamped with work. I was thinking of sending her a message on facebook (we're fb buddies), but I'm clueless about what to say. Our class ended last week so I won't see her again in person.

 

My fear is sounding weird or desperate. I mean we don't know each other that well, so I just hope it's not odd. Also, I know this is silly, but I'm always scared girls will think I'm coming on to them if I ask them to hang out. It's partly because I'm bisexual which other people don't actually know, but I get this fear even with girls I'm not attracted to. (I'm not attracted to her, and she's straight.)

 

What would be a good message?

 

I mentioned one of the other girls in another thread. This is a bit trickier. She's another art student in one of my classes. She's obviously gay, but also very cute. I get this vibe that she's kind of flirting with me which is weird because we've never really talked. My ex noticed too and mentioned it to me. I'm still not sure if she's just being friendly or what. But when I was looking to change groups on a project I approached the guy in her group and asked if I could be part of theirs.

 

It didn't work out because of scheduling differences and because he flaked out on getting back to me, but she later approached me and said she had already really wanted to work with me before I even approached their group and she was upset that the guy flaked out on telling me when they were meeting. I thought this was weird because, as I said, we'd never spoken.

 

Then yesterday during the last class the professor had us play this infantile getting-to-know-you type game where we went around the room and said things we were excited about. When my turn came Isaid that I was excited about an internship I was doing over the summer in town. She immediately said "Oh, you're here over the summer? Me too! You should give me a call!" and then she made the silly phone sign thing with her hand. I couldn't tell if she was just kidding around or what.

 

Should I take her up on her offer and message her or something? Or would that be strange? As I said the weird thing is we've never actually spoken aside from the two instances I mentioned, so I'm worried it'd be awkward.

 

I wouldn't mind either being her friend or fooling around. Obviously I'm not looking for a relationship right now with anyone.

 

There's one other possible female friend, but I won't go into the details of that because I think I already have a plan on how to hang out with her.

 

It's funny to think that a thread very similar to this started my last relationship. Even though that relationship didn't work out, I'm grateful for the encouragement you guys gave me because I would have never messaged him without it.

 

Hopefully this will bud into at least one friendship.

Edited May 6, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

Any input?

 

As an update I ran into one of the girls today (the one I didn't talk about in the first post), and asked her if she wanted to get coffee some time over the summer. We exchanged phone numbers/emails. The only thing is she lives kind of far away, but she may be closer by for some of the Summer. We'll see.

 

I'll wait to write the other messages when I get some feedback from other people. I'm kind of lost about this friend-making process and I don't want to come off as creepy/weird.

[starwolf242]

I say talk to the one that asked you to call her. She gave you an open to get in touch, she's obviously interested in spending more time with you and since you don't mind being mates or fooling around there's no downside. Call her up or send her a message and say hey, we never get a chance to talk at school fancy meeting up and getting to know each other?

 

there's not really anyway you can invite a stranger out with it potentially being construed as a come on but if she accepts then just make it clear to her your just looking for friends. Or if you do fool around make sure she knows that's all it is.

[melodymatters]

I don't know if you saw my thread yesterday where I basically realized I always had BF's because my GF's seemed to put me on some burner that exists behind the back burner !

 

I too don't want a man right now, but I'm sick of not having friends ! I know moving a lot has been a big issue for me, but still, I took a class and had lunch with this girl every day, we car pooled, we made extensive plans, and when the class ended, POOF. I called once, and e-mailed once and nothing, so......

 

I got some good advice if you want to find the thread, but the bottom line was that it was like dating in that you need to put yourself out there and then not take things personally if it doesn't pan out.

 

good luck, I totally feel you on this !

[shadowplay]

 

there's not really anyway you can invite a stranger out with it potentially being construed as a come on but if she accepts then just make it clear to her your just looking for friends. Or if you do fool around make sure she knows that's all it is.

 

This is what I'm afraid of. I don't mind with the gay girl, since I am potentially interested in fooling around, but with the others who I'm not interested in and are obviously straight...will they construe it as a come on if I message them? That would make me really uncomfortable and the whoel thing kind of awkward.

[zebracolors]

My fear is sounding weird or desperate. I mean we don't know each other that well, so I just hope it's not odd. Also, I know this is silly, but I'm always scared girls will think I'm coming on to them if I ask them to hang out. It's partly because I'm bisexual which other people don't actually know, but I get this fear even with girls I'm not attracted to. (I'm not attracted to her, and she's straight.) /QUOTE]

 

I had female friends in college myself, and they actually were the ones who did the approaching. I will admit that at the time when they made first contact, I kind of did off handedly wonder what their intentions were. But it was not that I would have minded if they were hitting on me. Since I have been kind of bi myself since high school but never had the chance to act on it. But it was always apparent that it was just them trying to make a friend. Which is fine, I have alot of fond memories from those days with the friends I did have then.

 

Point is, I don't think there is any harm in asking if they want to do something just friendly like hang out and go get coffee or something. At this point all you're doing is making friends right? You don't even have to tell the first one you're Bi. If you're already FB friends with her, then it should not seem strange to her at this point if you ask. And later when you feel more comfortable around her, then tell her

[shadowplay]

I don't know if you saw my thread yesterday where I basically realized I always had BF's because my GF's seemed to put me on some burner that exists behind the back burner !

 

I too don't want a man right now, but I'm sick of not having friends ! I know moving a lot has been a big issue for me, but still, I took a class and had lunch with this girl every day, we car pooled, we made extensive plans, and when the class ended, POOF. I called once, and e-mailed once and nothing, so......

 

I got some good advice if you want to find the thread, but the bottom line was that it was like dating in that you need to put yourself out there and then not take things personally if it doesn't pan out.

 

good luck, I totally feel you on this !

 

That sucks. Yeah, a lot of friends are flakey imo, but I guess the more you make, the less you have to worry about the flakey ones.

 

The thing I don't understand is how you kind of invite people to hang out in a non-awkward way. Any ideas?

[shadowplay]

Man, this is hard and a bit scary. I think dating is actually less nerve-wracking, because it's (usually) already obvious what the intentions are going in. Also, you can count on the physical attraction to kind of smooth over some of the initial awkwardness.

 

No wonder I've avoided making female friends for so long!

[shadowplay]

My fear is sounding weird or desperate. I mean we don't know each other that well, so I just hope it's not odd. Also, I know this is silly, but I'm always scared girls will think I'm coming on to them if I ask them to hang out. It's partly because I'm bisexual which other people don't actually know, but I get this fear even with girls I'm not attracted to. (I'm not attracted to her, and she's straight.) /QUOTE]

 

I had female friends in college myself, and they actually were the ones who did the approaching. I will admit that at the time when they made first contact, I kind of did off handedly wonder what their intentions were. But it was not that I would have minded if they were hitting on me. Since I have been kind of bi myself since high school but never had the chance to act on it. But it was always apparent that it was just them trying to make a friend. Which is fine, I have alot of fond memories from those days with the friends I did have then.

 

Point is, I don't think there is any harm in asking if they want to do something just friendly like hang out and go get coffee or something. At this point all you're doing is making friends right? You don't even have to tell the first one you're Bi. If you're already FB friends with her, then it should not seem strange to her at this point if you ask. And later when you feel more comfortable around her, then tell her

 

How can I make it obvious to the non-gay ones that I'm not romantically interested and just looking to make friends?

[melodymatters]

Man, this is hard and a bit scary. I think dating is actually less nerve-wracking, because it's (usually) already obvious what the intentions are going in. Also, you can count on the physical attraction to kind of smooth over some of the initial awkwardness.

 

No wonder I've avoided making female friends for so long!

 

 

Totally ! Last time making girlfriends was easy was when we were 6 and said " Wanna come over and play barbies?":laugh:

 

As for your last question, I think you might be overthinking things. Just come out and say you recently broke up with a BOYFRIEND, and don't want to get back into dating but would like to make some cool new girlfriends to do things with.I'm sure they can relate, won't think your gay cuz you mentioned the BF, and then it's up to them.

 

Good luck though, cuz chicks blow me off all of the time, and it seems like we are used to guys being very attentive !

[melodymatters]

And oh ! Are you in Boston ? My sister is running a week long girls rock camp there and maybe you could volunteer your talents and perhaps meet some cool new chicks ? She's been there for 20 yrs and has a SOLID group of GF's of all ages and sexual preferences.

 

It could be a good career move and you can make some friends, they are very into chick solidarity !

 

Let me know, and I'll give you her e-mail address ( assuming I am right and you are in Boston ! I think the camp is in july or august, it was originally started in Seattle and she would fly out there to teach rock guitar and punk rock aroebics !)

[Ruby Slippers]

Just send a message commenting on something she's interested in (music, whatever) and ask her to have lunch or go hear some music or whatever. I think many women are short on good friends, so they should be receptive. If not, move along and try someone else.

 

I've always had close girlfriends, and the few times I didn't (because I'd just moved to a new city, for instance), life was so much harder. Girls tend to be very supportive, encouraging, and helpful, and it's hard without that. You can feel very alone and get trapped in the cycles of your own thoughts. Friends can help snap you outta that crap. I can call my girlfriends anytime, to vent or get advice, and they are always there for me. And it works both ways.

 

One of my specialties is helping my friends wake up when they are involved with some loser guy who just wants some booty. I don't take that kind of crap, and I encourage them not to, either. I recently told one of my friends that when she feels like texting her booty call guy, text me instead and I'll give her a reality check.

 

They are great at boosting my mojo when I am feeling down. I'm a perfectionist and tend to be very hard on myself. They are always up for reminding me why I'm pretty darn great.

 

Priceless, truly.

[Ruby Slippers]

How can I make it obvious to the non-gay ones that I'm not romantically interested and just looking to make friends?

Like melody said, talk about guys. "Oh, he's cute", "My ex was lame because...", and so on.

[shadowplay]

I need help drafting a message to this girl (the cool, friendly, straight artchick who I'm friends with on fb).

 

Here's what I have so far:

 

Hey -----,

 

Sorry I missed your show -- Hope it went well!

 

If you’re still around this summer, we should hang out some time! My bf and I broke up recently, and I’m trying to meet new people in the ----- area.

 

 

I want to add something about her inviting me to parties she knows about (she parties a lot, I think), but in a way that doesn't sound desperate. Also, feel free to pick apart what I've already written or change it completely. I'm pretty lost when it comes to this friends stuff.

 

 

 

Thanks, guys!

[Ruby Slippers]

My bf and I broke up recently, and I’m trying to meet new people in the ----- area.

I'm not a big fan of this. To me, it implies you only want to do friend things when you're boyfriend-less, and you might be the type to blow friends off when you've got a man again.

 

If you’re still around this summer, we should hang out some time!

Why not extend a specific invitation? "Do you want to go to X on Y night?"

[shadowplay]

I'm not a big fan of this. To me, it implies you only want to do friend things when you're boyfriend-less, and you might be the type to blow friends off when you've got a man again.

 

 

Why not extend a specific invitation? "Do you want to go to X on Y night?"

 

I see your point. But is there a way of explaining why I'm looking to meet new people. I feel like I kind of need to explain since sending the message is a bit awkward.

 

Also, how would I phrase something about her inviting me to parties in a non desperate sounding way?

[Isolde]

You're overthinking this. Also, you've gotta be more specific. When people say we should hang out sometime, I usually think they're just being polite. What you should do is suggest coffee or lunch. It sounds dorky, but those are the most neutral activities you can do with someone you're not sure whether they want to be friends or not. A concert would be fine too, though.

 

I've only made a few good girlfriends in the past few years, but the ones I do have I usually got to know that way, by going on "platonic dates." LOL.

 

You're right that no one wants to befriend someone who comes across desperate, but by the same token, you won't come across that way if you make a genuine request to hang out, with someone you're truly interested in getting to know.

Edited May 7, 2010 by Isolde

[make me believe]

Either you're way overthinking this or I'm missing something. Why on earth would the straight girl think you were coming onto her if you suggested hanging out? I have NEVER thought another girl was hitting on me or being desperate when she tried to initiate a friendship! You don't need to explain why you're trying to meet new people. Is it really this uncommon to meet someone and try to form a friendship with them?? It seems like your intention will be pretty obvious - trying to get to know her better and find someone to socialize with. Send the email, but leave out the part about your ex-boyfriend and suggest something specific to do. (Coffee is definitely good cause if it's awkward you can make it quick!)

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree you're overthinking it. If a woman is receptive to a friendship with you, she's not going to think it's weird. And if she does, who cares? It's just an e-mail.

 

You can do it!

[burningheart]

Hi all,

I will say that I share everyones pain here.....nothing worst then not having gal freinds.... once a man comes into the picture ......ZZZZZZZZZZZZZiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiippppppppppppppppp!!!! faster then lignting there gone....!!!!

So it really stinks when there's nothing to do... But It's so much fun when you out with a gorup of them laughing at the guys or just meeting up for lunch or dinner.....To be honest I wish there was a so called female friend site....where you can meet women who are in the same boat as us....

I have joined a gym just to get meself out of the house.... (which I have to say I'm spending my friday night... Then I'll try the website meetup.com.

Perhaps you should try it in your area....and start with art......If least you can meet people with the same interest.

[shadowplay]

honestly at this point I'd much rather have a group of cool female friends than another boyfriend. In fact I don't see that changing for awhile.

[Ruby Slippers]

I will say that I share everyones pain here.....nothing worst then not having gal freinds.... once a man comes into the picture ......ZZZZZZZZZZZZZiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiippppppppppppppppp!!!! faster then lignting there gone....!!!!

Oh, that is very lame. To have great friends, you've gotta BE a great friend. And not just when it's convenient for you -- always.

 

I have two close female friends in this city (and I'm flying to New York to visit my best friend from college for a long weekend in two weeks!), and all three of us are single right now. We've all dated some, but none of us has found a keeper yet. I think it's very important for all of us that we stay in touch and keep supporting one another. In fact, I introduced them to each other so they would each have a new friend, and they hit it off great.

 

I am just such a huge advocate of girl friendships. If things blow up in your face in your relationship, you want your friends there to help. If you're having problems, they can give good advice. If things go beautifully and you get married, you want girlfriends who will spoil you with a party and be your maid of honor and bridesmaids.

 

One thing I love about my friends here is they will not allow me to neglect them. If too much time passes without us getting together, they will kick me in the butt and get me to do something. And it's always fun and I wondered why I didn't do it sooner.

 

Another tip: some women/people are social butterflies and know a lot of cool people. I have a good friend like this in the town where I went to college. I've always been more introverted, whereas she knows everybody. We were in a band together, and I met almost all my musician friends in that town through her (and our gigs). She was constantly introducing me to new, great people. These people are gold for one's social life.

[CLC2008]

Good friendships are a lifetime investment Shadow, and you do have to put in the work to sustain those friendships.

 

But, the rewards are certainly worth it.

[D-Lish]

Shadow, just FB the artsy girl and keep it short and sweet.

I liked what you said in the first part- sorry for missing the show, we should hang out, etc. Leave out the just breaking up with the bf thing.

Don't forget to ask "how did it go??" It immediately opens things up to ask how the show went. It gives the impression you are interested in what is going on with her life.

 

The bf break up comment makes it about you, but asking how her show went makes it an open exchange.

 

If you go for a coffee, make sure the convo is equal- reveal a bit about you (you can lament about the break up)- but never forget to make it an equal exchange... Ask her questions as well.

 

Female friends can be great!

[pandagirl]

As an adult, I've made the majority of my friends through work. A lot of them are former co-workers.

 

Since you're in school, that's a great way to make some girlfriends. I think once you establish a report with a person, it's like, you walk out of class together, you start chatting more about your life, talk about stuff, which eventually leads to making plans outside of class. This is usually how I became good friends with people I worked with. And definitely just drop that girl a note and ask her how her show went, like D-lish said.

 

I think it's great you're putting out an effort to do this -- eight years is a long time to go without some girlfriends. I feel like that kind of support is vital to a person's well-being. Tonight, eight of my girlfriends took me out for a bday dinner, got me cake, flowers and balloons! It was a blast. It made me really happy that I have so many nice people in my life who care about me and treat me well.