melodymatters Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 I am so dissapointed by this reality ! I don't WANT a BF, but looking back, a man who loves you will put you first or at least in the top 3 ! Friends, meh, your lucky if they don't ditch you five minutes before you are supposed to meet them for a long awaited lunch. I have been lucky enough to have been an attractive, charming person, who was also open minded when it came to partner choices, so I usually had a good man to live a day to day life with. Some worked out long term, two marriages ( both deceased), none less than 2 yrs. Here I am now, early 40's, widowed almost a year ago, and I really DON'T want or crave a male partner. Just taking a much needed break to concentrate on me....but DAMN, isn't this a lonely road ?!?! I would truly be satisfied with some friends of either sex, where we hang out, listen to each other when we are down, have cozy dinners or watch movies, anything really, but friends: Old, new, potential, seem so flakey nowadays. I am considering dating just to have a best friend kind of situation again.....
Phantom9309 Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 Maybe joining some type of community organization would fill this part of your life. Go and inspire people.
tigressA Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 We live in a society where pretty much everything and everyone is easily disposable. It's sad. Part of it is increasing flakiness among people, but the other part of it is allowing that kind of treatment. I don't let my friends ditch me without letting them know of their behavior and how it made me feel.
Author melodymatters Posted May 6, 2010 Author Posted May 6, 2010 Thanks you two. I DO plan on looking into some political action committees, or even going to play cards with old ladies in nursing homes ! And yes, I do calmly express my dissapointment when things like this happen : thus the reason I have very, very few friends, their expectations and mine differ, and I am NOT some socially deficiant psycho. I agree it's the times, it's everyone moving around all of the time ( myself included). Ah well, at least I have a wonderful family and of course LS !
Fouts Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 Good friends are as hard to find as good partners. We're hardwired to want and need, not to give. If you don't mind giving it up once in awhile, I'm sure you could find a guy to hang with that would fit the bill. Women in your age group are either busy with their families or single and out hunting men. Not as contented as you are.
skydiveaddict Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 Dont settle for for just having friends, find that special guy too. You're too young and beautiful to have just friends
sagetalk Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 Please don't ever date a guy and treat him like your best friend who fills a lonely void. Treat him like a man deserves to be treated or don't date him at all. As for the friends, yes, I agree. I once asked a long time friend to do something with myself and other friends (his friends as well) and he said, "I have alot of options". I'm not kidding, he actually said that , I was floored. Needless to say, I haven't asked him to do stuff with the group again.
Author melodymatters Posted May 6, 2010 Author Posted May 6, 2010 Fouts made me laugh ! " If I'm willing to give it up once in a while " LOL ! I used to love sex, but have been celibate since My H's death last may. I'm not really good with shallow encounters, my guess is I might end up feeling even worse ! Of course I could " date", but I'd be looking for a very special someone and then a thread might start about " woman not being ready to date but using me for the 2 bud lites I bought her " LOL Sky, you are one of my faves here. I guess just being "manned up" for the last 20 yrs, I don't feel a need to jump back in ( or out of the plane, as it were) but love closeness and cooking and nurturing, so maybe I will have to find a man to give that to....
Rorschach Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 I have a few friends that I keep around for the rare occassions my work schedule and theirs line up. Most of the time I get my company from family, my grandfather on my dads side is the outdoorsman, we go fishing, clamming, hunting, anything that involves catching/killing something and eating it. My other grandfather has toys, ATVs, dirtbikes, snowmobiles (though mostly he just snowmobiles these days. I drag my father hiking whenever I can, and my brother is my nerdy friend I play all my online games with. Family>friends
Author melodymatters Posted May 6, 2010 Author Posted May 6, 2010 Please don't ever date a guy and treat him like your best friend who fills a lonely void. Treat him like a man deserves to be treated or don't date him at all. As for the friends, yes, I agree. I once asked a long time friend to do something with myself and other friends (his friends as well) and he said, "I have alot of options". I'm not kidding, he actually said that , I was floored. Needless to say, I haven't asked him to do stuff with the group again. EXACTLY ! I try to be a karmically good person and don't want to date just to have a good conversation when HE might get excited and start falling for me.This has happened before and I won't do that to another human being !
Author melodymatters Posted May 6, 2010 Author Posted May 6, 2010 I have a few friends that I keep around for the rare occassions my work schedule and theirs line up. Most of the time I get my company from family, my grandfather on my dads side is the outdoorsman, we go fishing, clamming, hunting, anything that involves catching/killing something and eating it. My other grandfather has toys, ATVs, dirtbikes, snowmobiles (though mostly he just snowmobiles these days. I drag my father hiking whenever I can, and my brother is my nerdy friend I play all my online games with. Family>friends LOVE clamming and fishing, have a hard time shooting mammals though ! You are right in that I should mine my family members for possible " friend" things to do though !
Rorschach Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 LOVE clamming and fishing, have a hard time shooting mammals though ! You are right in that I should mine my family members for possible " friend" things to do though ! Only been hunting once, I'm one of those people who won't plan a hunting trip (too much work) but if somebody else goes I'll grab a gun and tag along haha.
Author melodymatters Posted May 6, 2010 Author Posted May 6, 2010 sounds like dating. average to attractive females love to use this line "I have a lot of options" I don't know if sage is M or F, but clearly they are speaking about a male friend. Please don't make this a nasty "woman suck" thread......be cool...ok ?
Fouts Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 Fouts made me laugh ! " If I'm willing to give it up once in a while " LOL ! Actually what you described that you're looking for is a normal relationship that older men and women have. Companionship, coupled with an intimacy that isn't physically based. Our only problem here is that you're in your early 40's.
sagetalk Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 I don't know if sage is M or F, but clearly they are speaking about a male friend. Please don't make this a nasty "woman suck" thread......be cool...ok ? I'm a guy. I use to think that friend was a real man until he said that to me. He dates alot of hot girls and it has inflated his head and shallowness.
blind_otter Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 I am so dissapointed by this reality ! I don't WANT a BF, but looking back, a man who loves you will put you first or at least in the top 3 ! Friends, meh, your lucky if they don't ditch you five minutes before you are supposed to meet them for a long awaited lunch. I have been lucky enough to have been an attractive, charming person, who was also open minded when it came to partner choices, so I usually had a good man to live a day to day life with. Some worked out long term, two marriages ( both deceased), none less than 2 yrs. Here I am now, early 40's, widowed almost a year ago, and I really DON'T want or crave a male partner. Just taking a much needed break to concentrate on me....but DAMN, isn't this a lonely road ?!?! I would truly be satisfied with some friends of either sex, where we hang out, listen to each other when we are down, have cozy dinners or watch movies, anything really, but friends: Old, new, potential, seem so flakey nowadays. I am considering dating just to have a best friend kind of situation again..... That's why I'm going back to school. I have the urge to fill that void, too. It is a lonely road.
Kamille Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 I've been thinking about friendship a lot too, as I'm preparing to leave a city I've lived in for 4 years for a city where I hardly know a soul. I feel like I'm leaving this town at precisely the time when I've found my "niche": People I really love, who I can count on and who I find reliable (enough for me). But my two years here was dreadful and lonely. Just like the princess kissed a lot of frogs before finding her prince charming, I drank (lots of) martinis with a lot of friendship frogs. There's two friends in particular who I'm going to miss: both those friendship developed over the span of two years. Friendship is like dating: you have to create opportunities to meet people, but only a few of them will really cut the grade and become true friends. Patience little grasshopper. Start dating if you want companionship, but give the friend idea the time it deserves.
aerogurl87 Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 I only have 3 people that I consider to truly be my best friends. One I've been best friends with for 9 years, the other 7 years, and the last one is my sister. They've all shown that they'll be there for me no matter what over the years. Boyfriends on the other hand, eh, most of them come and go which is fine with me because as Beyonce says "I can have another you in a minute" haha.
tigressA Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 because as Beyonce says "I can have another you in a minute" haha. So true! Hahaha
karma84 Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 And this is precisely the reason why I don't like the human race. Too many people jump from relationship to relationship to fill that "empty void" inside of them.... it doesn't really matter if they are truly compatible and in love with that person, it's a matter of convenience. This is NOT how a serious relationship should be based. If you're lonely, get a dog. Join a group. Find a hobby. Volunteer. Go back to school. Get a new career. New age therapy. Counseling.... etc. Don't jump on the next bandwagon that rolls into your neighborhood and act like it was "meant to be" simply because it was the first one to drive through. I haven't been in a serious, committed relationship in over 5 years. Why? I am attractive. I have a college degree, a decent job, and have dated dozens of people. The honest reason is.... (besides for my committment phobia which is a whole other issue) because I haven't found the one that sweeps me off of my feet. The person that I can see myself wearing dentures with... staring into their eyes when we're 70 (god-willing) & still feel like they're my soulmate. Sappy, maybe. Overly-romantic? sure. Slightly delusional? Could be. But if I'm not 100% content that they stole my heart away, I'm fine being by myself. A plus of being single for this length of time is that I've focused on the friendships that I do have, and they have become like family to me. Treat people like you want to be treated. I'm sure you weren't always the innocent one being canceled on at the last minute... you prob put yourself before your friends, too... rethink the law of karma & you'll see things begin to fall into their place.
furbaby Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 That's sad that you've had such bad luck with friends. My friends are like family to me. I've had the same group of best friends for years and years and we have been through so much. Lately I've been thinking about relationships and how they come and go and I'm not sure if I'm really meant to be with one person forever. But then I think of my friends, who love me so much, and who I love so much, and I feel so fortunate. Not all people are flakes, but many friends can be. Kindred friends are hard to come by, but if you really want them, you need to make an effort to seek them out. Also, I went back to school this past year, and I have made so many new friends. Really genuinely kind, intelligent people who share my interests. If you can do that - even just taking a course that interests you at community college - you might meet some really nice people.
BubbleFreak Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 My boyfriend is both my best friend and soulmate. He puts me before anyone else, as I do for him. A long time ago he said he must've done something wonderful in a past life to be given a girlfriend like me in this life. I also have one other close friend. I have known her since we were 7 or 8. We have been through a lot together, and we have lots of fun doing girly things. Many friends have come and gone in my life, but this friendship has become something I value immensely. I can just be myself. I don't have many other friends. I find it's a lot of effort to maintain friendships with too many people, and I don't want shallow relationships. The friends I do have are not perfect, but none of us are. In the end, despite their imperfections (everyone makes mistakes), friends make my life a whole lot better.
OpenBook Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 (edited) Melody my life experience has been the opposite of yours - the men have come and gone, but my GF's have lasted. I believe in my case it has everything to do with my relationship with my parents growing up. I wasn't emotionally close to my Dad (I was clearly not his favorite person!) but I was with my Mom. I'm just better (more experienced) at female relationships, I guess. Men still mystify and bewilder me. Edited May 6, 2010 by OpenBook
Eeyore79 Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 I know exactly how you feel! My friends have always tended to be more like acquaintances, and they're not always there when I need them, and don't provide the level of support and friendship I'd get from a boyfriend. They have their own priorities in life, and I'm not one of them. I know some people have close friends who are always there for them like siblings would be, but I've never been lucky enough to have a friend like that. I've found myself getting into relationships with guys I'm not really attracted to, just because they showed me attention and prioritised me, and then the relationship turns into more of a friendship because I'm not really into them physically. But I can't break up with them or I'll lose their friendship too, so we end up ticking along and having more of a friendship than a relationship, while they're constantly hoping for more and I'm backing away because I only see them as a friend. Not only do they end up getting hurt, it also prevents me from finding the relationship I really want with a guy who I am attracted to. My new strategy is that being alone is better than being in a pretend relationship - I need to be single when that great relationship eventually comes along, and I don't want guys to fall in love with me when I don't have feelings for them. But I know what you mean about it being hard - it's lonely when you don't have close friends, and it would be so easy to just get a boyfriend (any boyfriend) who would immediately give me all the time and attention I want.
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