Author trippi1432 Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 “A helpful tool in our recovery, especially in the behavior we call detachment, is learning to identify who owns what. Then we let each person own and process his or her rightful property. If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr, immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative, that is their issue, not ours. If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person. If someone is in denial or cannot think clearly on a particular issue, that confusion belongs to him or her. If someone has a limited or impaired ability to love or care, that is his or her property, not ours. If someone has no approval or nurturing to give away, that is that person’s property. People’s lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abusive behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating behaviors, and tacky behaviors belong to them too. Not us. People’s hopes and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness or misery is also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages. If some people don’t like themselves, that is their choice. Other people’s choices are their property, not ours. What people choose to say and do is their business. What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices, and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business. In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn’t ours, we don’t take it. If we talk it, we learn to give it back. Let other people have their property, and learn to own and take good care of what’s ours. Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesn’t. If it’s not mine, I won’t keep it. I will deal with myself, my issues, and my responsibilities. I will take my hands off what is not mine.” (Beattie, 1990) Beattie, M. (1990). Property Lines. In M. Beattie, The Language of Letting Go, Daily Meditations on Codependency (pgs. 133 - 134). Center City: Hazelden. ___________________________________________________________________ Ironically, one of the ladies who works at the Behavioral Health clinic saw the above testimonial and thought it would be good to share it with the group...she went further to share the Property Lines with me as well as one other testimonial. These testimonials are dated, similar to Al-Anon's devotional books. This particular one is dated May 15, the birthday of my friend Billy who died almost 10 years ago. For anyone who thinks that just opening a book is not a type of karma for the lesson you need to learn, isn't really reading the book or the message. "Take Risks Take a risk. Take a chance. We do not have to indulge in obliviously foolhardy or self-defeating risks, but we can allow ourselves to take positive risks in recovery. We cannot afford to keep ourselves paralyzed. We do not have to keep ourselves stymied and trapped out of fear of making a mistake or failing. Naturally, we will make mistakes from time to time. That's part of being fully alive. There are no guarantees. If we are waiting for guaranteed courses of action, we may spend much of our life waiting. We do not have to shame ourselves or accept shame from anyone else, even those in recovery, for making mistakes. The goal of recovery is not to live life perfectly. The goal of recover is to live, learn our lessons, and make overall progress. Take a risk. Do not always wait for a guarantee. We don't have to listen to "I told you so." dust yourself off after a mistake, and then move on to the success." (Beattie, 1990) For my friend Billy, every path leads me back to you....from the lot number of my house to this message that was randomly given to me. Even in death, I know you are still there for me and one day we will be together again.
You Go Girl Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 So I guess that is a lesson for those in recovery... be prepared that when you DO start finding and defending those boundaries for there to be little to no one left. --and to find my boundaries without the distraction of having them constantly pushed by those that enjoyed pushing my limits and disrespecting me and my beliefs. Now I've begun to venture out slowly and am working hard at rebuilding who i am socially and learning to discern people and their intentions and trusting in their actions. Words mean nothing. People say everything by what they do and their body language belies their intent. So I am being very careful. Venturing out a little wiser, i hope... anyway, i think my taking control is why my marriage is in crisis right now with my addict--last year i said, 'ditch the drugs or go." i took control... i am waiting to see if he will take control too. I will credit him and say for the most part he is, except with this particular friend who visits once a month... but as the veil of co-dependence rises from our relationship, i find myself wondering if we are even compatible and if that was all we had in common... I understand losing people over our boundaries. I have an older sister (5 years and the eldest child) who is MISS BOSSY. She's been that way forever. She's the quickest person I know to assumptions, judgments, and opens her mouth in a flash. I love her dearly, but her calling me up to give me my weekly or monthly 'a$$ whooping' got old. I went so far as to tell her that she always has 100% of the verdicts with 5% of the information. I know, all on my own, that I can be Last Minute Lucy, as she likes to call me lol Yep, PROCRASTINATE NOW! But scolding me, a 46 year old woman, had to come to an end. So I have almost severed ties during the last year. In a recent email from her, I see little has changed. Our relationship will probably never be the same, as she doesn't respect other's boundaries very well, and may never learn that lesson. You are so right, and will be so wise, to judge others by their actions, not words, especially when these contradict. But we also have to be compassionate and know that people speak what they wish to become, even if they fall short of it. However, in no way am I saying ENABLE with that sentence. I'm just pointing out, probably to remind myself, that my compassion can't go out the window even though I can't help but judge by actions. As for that's all you had in common--maybe, for the last several years, it became all you had in common. Rebulding old things in common, or creating new ones, is a possibility should you stay together. Do you want to grow apart, or grow together, that's the question, isn't it?
You Go Girl Posted May 14, 2010 Posted May 14, 2010 [quote=trippi1432;2792134 Take a risk. Take a chance. We do not have to indulge in obliviously foolhardy or self-defeating risks, but we can allow ourselves to take positive risks in recovery. We cannot afford to keep ourselves paralyzed. This is a good one for me, thanks. I often get stuck in the paralyzed mode. Frozen, unable to act, severe avoidance, procrastination. And it may go back to that I have taken a few foolhardy risks in life. I may not realize that I am not distinguishing between foolhardy risks and positive risks--those that are likely to succeed. Odd how the mind gets hung up on things that should be so clear.... Are bipolar people grounded, trippi? I've known two bipolar people myself. You appear so grounded, at least from what you write on LS. Both of them had such extreme manic and depressive stages, it was glaringly obvious. Energy levels--when manic--very ADHD, awake for days, and when depressive--there was no getting through to them, huge veil over their eyes and cotton in their ears. in both stages they had difficulties listening well to others. You seem to really take in, and analyze what you read and post here. Not that I'm a professional and could contradict your doc, but I'm surprised.
Author trippi1432 Posted May 14, 2010 Author Posted May 14, 2010 This is a good one for me, thanks. I often get stuck in the paralyzed mode. Frozen, unable to act, severe avoidance, procrastination. And it may go back to that I have taken a few foolhardy risks in life. I may not realize that I am not distinguishing between foolhardy risks and positive risks--those that are likely to succeed. Odd how the mind gets hung up on things that should be so clear.... Are bipolar people grounded, trippi? I've known two bipolar people myself. You appear so grounded, at least from what you write on LS. Both of them had such extreme manic and depressive stages, it was glaringly obvious. Energy levels--when manic--very ADHD, awake for days, and when depressive--there was no getting through to them, huge veil over their eyes and cotton in their ears. in both stages they had difficulties listening well to others. You seem to really take in, and analyze what you read and post here. Not that I'm a professional and could contradict your doc, but I'm surprised. Not sure, I think that I have conditioned myself to be grounded due to college and work....like my doctor said, I've been able to manage without medication due to being driven and strong character. However; with the upcoming divorce, ex's new GF that he is marrying as soon as the ink is dry, the issues with the son not wanting to go to school and having to make him go live with his father, my daughter's engagement blowup (having to see that implode), finished college last month and continue to take on workload after workload at the job, according to the doctor, I wasn't able to mask or manage the manic episodes anymore. I'm still learning about it as even my parent's disagree; however, my daughter is bipolar and said that she notices the traits. If true, I would say it's more bipolar II disorder where a person doesn't develop severe mania but experiences milder episodes of hypomania that alternates with depression. I have people in my group that have been bipolar for years, but you would never know it. Borders for me are for when I go back to work....do my 7.5 and go home. My doctor is very concerned about the workload sending me to relapse due to stress. The other day a conversation with the ex started to turn ugly because he claimed he didn't have $3 to go buy his son poster board for a project.....when he raised his voice, I set the boundary that I will not talk to him if he continues to talk to me that way. Boundary with son, he cannot live with me because he won't get up and go to school (he still stays up to 2am and does all the things he did here - got busted - but at least he will go to school for his father). I don't have too many friends that I have to set boundaries with, most of them don't get into my business which is good. I do have one friend who I have to set boundaries with about nagging me to go to her church and I did have to set boundaries with another friend who typically leaves me in tears because nothing I seem to say or do is good enough or right....twisted thinking or just turns everything I say into something negative about themselves. It's almost like other people's moods affect mine. If they are up, I'm manically up about social people, if they are down, it takes me days to get the negativity about myself and them out of my mind. If you go back and read some of my earlier postings YGG, when my ex and I first split up, I was not grounded at all and that was pretty much how the 15 years went. I think perhaps grounded has come from having to be the only adult in the house (scary thought...lol!). But you bring up a good point and I will talk to my doctor about it. I know that I have had manic episodes in the past, blind rages when the family dynamic was at odds....yelling and screaming at each other. To protect my sanity, I would typically get in the car, turn the music up as loud as it would go and hit 110 mph on the back roads - not a safe alternative. The good thing is, if it is truly bipolar, there are medications to regulate it and it has to be regulated just like diabetes. Going through therapy will help with learning boundaries and coping skills. I still have a general fear that work is going to continue to be a problem, but I have to set the rules there (as my doctor keeps pounding in my head).
Author trippi1432 Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 This is a good one for me, thanks. I often get stuck in the paralyzed mode. Frozen, unable to act, severe avoidance, procrastination. And it may go back to that I have taken a few foolhardy risks in life. I may not realize that I am not distinguishing between foolhardy risks and positive risks--those that are likely to succeed. Odd how the mind gets hung up on things that should be so clear.... Are bipolar people grounded, trippi? I've known two bipolar people myself. You appear so grounded, at least from what you write on LS. Both of them had such extreme manic and depressive stages, it was glaringly obvious. Energy levels--when manic--very ADHD, awake for days, and when depressive--there was no getting through to them, huge veil over their eyes and cotton in their ears. in both stages they had difficulties listening well to others. You seem to really take in, and analyze what you read and post here. Not that I'm a professional and could contradict your doc, but I'm surprised. Hi YGG - I don't know....grounded, not grounded....it's really perplexing and I think trying to find out if I am and the right meds to work are the most irritating. I really don't get it though. I get irritated when people personally attack my character (I don't think that is bipolar, that's assertiveness). I get upset with my husband when he overspends the bank account, the one he gave to me because he couldn't trust himself to manage it....that is supposed to be MY symptom....not his. Oh my God to hades and damnation, I was one of those wives that actually liked have sex with her husband for 15 years - that must make me sexually promiscuious (with my own husband...for crying out loud). Now...^^^^^^ there's a manic episode...it's called frustration because I have been taking 500mg of Depakote since last Monday and am not doing any better. The meds have metabolized in my system and still nada. If nothing else, more cranky and irritable as usual. When things were going good, was when I was only on an anxiety medicine and a sleeping med. Was starting to handle work better but admittedly needed about 20 zanax before entering the chaos of doom home where the spawn of Satan and the Zombie Apocolypse awaited. So, as for grounded...I don't know. I just want to learn...not sure what I am learning for since over 90% of Bipolar marriages end in divorce...nice statistic. Good think I got a copy of Live Alone and Like It and the Queen of Comfort. Grounded....maybe, but in a totally f'd up way I guess.
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