dojokun Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 (edited) To set the scene, I'm 22 and my girlfriend is a few years younger. She is currently travelling Down Under (both come from the UK). I've been with her for just over a year and quite simply, she's brilliant. She gets me a cup of tea in the morning without fail, she'll pick me up from anywhere (I commute and occasionally have missed my stop on the way home), even when it's an hours drive. She's the only girl that has ever made me laugh properly. Everything about her is pretty much ideal, and as dumb as it sounds at such a young age, I'd happily marry her, I love her and miss her deeply. She's been away for three months. I know she would never cheat on me because she is also 100% in love with me. She believed this of me too... I work in London and as said, I have a one hour commute. I'm lucky in so far as I have the opportunity to go out in more places than just close to home. Anyway it was a mate's birthday in London so the plan was to have a few beers, have a dance and be merry. The night wore on and I had no intention of staying in London, but we all got far enough gone that I missed my last train home. I didn't realise this would be so pivotal for my night. At around midnight I'm just looking around and accidentally catch a girl's eye. All of a sudden she comes over out of the blue. So we chat for a little bit and she was surprisingly forward and asked for a drink. Being the supposed gentleman I am, I oblige (£8.20 for one drink!). Within ten minutes, she tells me to finish my beer and drags me out. Next thing I know I'm in a taxi heading back to her place. I was drunk but aware enough of what I was doing, and sadly went along with it. We had OK sex, I woke up in the morning and got the hell out of there ASAP, my world filled with guilt. Unfortunately, I didn't learn. A couple of weeks later I go out near home and another girl comes up to me and won't leave me alone. We ended up snogging on the dance floor and I got her number, but luckily I managed to shake her off. I also went out on the Monday just gone and another girl came up to me in a pub and chatted for a bit, said she hopes to see me in the club a bit later. I thought nothing of it, until I went to the club and she sees me. Next thing I know I'm dancing in a very sexy way with her, she's encouraging me to feel her tits and we snog for most of the night. Her friends luckily wouldn't let me get in their taxi, however I know I would have done. This never happens to me. I don't ever claim to be the sexiest guy alive and it was my first one night stand. The above may seem like bragging but it really isn't. I've never had this kind of attention and the worst thing is, the latest girl continues to text me and we flirt quite a bit. I can't seem to stop myself. I know if my gf were to find out, it'd break her heart and I'd hate myself. She gets back next month. There'd be no second chance with her and rightly so. I go round her parent's house to have a quick catch up now and again. My mates are useless in giving advice ("wooo, go stud" etc which is not what I want to here) so I'm turning to the wonders of the internet and the anonymity it affords me. I need some advice. I miss my gf so much but sadly it seems I'm kind of bored of waiting. It's almost like I'm single it's been so long. I know this wouldn't have happened if she hadn't of gone away but I don't blame her at all. It's all my doing. Thank you for taking the time to read the above. I don't know how receptive you guys are but I had to get that off my chest. I feel terrible yet I want to keep texting this new girl, the thrill of the chase and all that. I never used to be like this but now I'm a terrible, terrible person. Edited May 6, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Eeyore79 Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 I appreciate your honesty, but I don't think anyone is going to pat you on the back and tell you it's all ok. You behaved badly, and you know it. You shouldn't be in a relationship with this girl if you can't be faithful to her, which you apparently can't. The best thing you can do is confess everything to her; she will probably dump you, but you deserve it. That would relieve your conscience and leave you free to enjoy the thrill of the chase with new girls, and would leave her free to find someone who respects and loves her enough to be faithful.
TaraMaiden Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 How much younger than you is she? Because you say you're 22 and that's young... What is "A few years younger"....?
norajane Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 I appreciate your honesty, but I don't think anyone is going to pat you on the back and tell you it's all ok. You behaved badly, and you know it. You shouldn't be in a relationship with this girl if you can't be faithful to her, which you apparently can't. The best thing you can do is confess everything to her; she will probably dump you, but you deserve it. That would relieve your conscience and leave you free to enjoy the thrill of the chase with new girls, and would leave her free to find someone who respects and loves her enough to be faithful. That's really all there is to say. You've been cheating, you're susceptible to whatever girl flirts aggressively, you aren't choosing to stay out of temptation's path and actively put yourself in situations where you are drinking and flirting. What does that tell you about yourself and your relationship? If you can't last 3 months while your gf is away without cheating, that says quite a lot about your level of commitment to her and about your maturity and self-control. Perhaps you are not yet ready for a committed relationship. You and she are both very young, and it's usually not the case that very young people end up together for a lifetime. Your actions are telling you that you need to be honest with your gf and move on. Clearly, you need to date more before settling down. And she does, too, I'm sure, if she is still a teenager.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 dojo, sounds like you have a real problem with being faithful. So why don't you do your gf a favor and break up with her. She is young, deserves better and can get better.
Author dojokun Posted May 6, 2010 Author Posted May 6, 2010 Thank you for the responses. Probably exactly what I needed to hear I suppose; your honesty is appreciated. I appreciate your honesty, but I don't think anyone is going to pat you on the back and tell you it's all ok. You behaved badly, and you know it. You shouldn't be in a relationship with this girl if you can't be faithful to her, which you apparently can't. The best thing you can do is confess everything to her; she will probably dump you, but you deserve it. That would relieve your conscience and leave you free to enjoy the thrill of the chase with new girls, and would leave her free to find someone who respects and loves her enough to be faithful. I don't want a pat on the back. I am in no way proud of what I've done. I'm not so worried about my own conscience so much as I'm worried what it would do to her. Despite her age she's had a few bad experiences with guys. I promised her I wouldn't be "one of them" and I know she has put all her trust in me. Her mum has said how much happier she's been since we've been together which makes it even worse. How much younger than you is she? Because you say you're 22 and that's young... What is "A few years younger"....? She's 19. That's really all there is to say. You've been cheating, you're susceptible to whatever girl flirts aggressively, you aren't choosing to stay out of temptation's path and actively put yourself in situations where you are drinking and flirting. What does that tell you about yourself and your relationship? If you can't last 3 months while your gf is away without cheating, that says quite a lot about your level of commitment to her and about your maturity and self-control. Perhaps you are not yet ready for a committed relationship. You and she are both very young, and it's usually not the case that very young people end up together for a lifetime. Your actions are telling you that you need to be honest with your gf and move on. Clearly, you need to date more before settling down. And she does, too, I'm sure, if she is still a teenager. I've been in a committed relationship before without any issues. I agree that it is unusual for people our age to end up together and I've said to her before that if we'd have met when we were 27/24, things might have been easier (she's got Uni coming too. Great.), which she's agreed with. I appreciate that everything I have said points to the fact that we have little chance of staying together anyway, despite my actions. But she is awesome, funny etc and I love being around her. I've just been thrown into a situation that I now know I was totally unprepared for and one that I haven't dealt with at all well. dojo, sounds like you have a real problem with being faithful. So why don't you do your gf a favor and break up with her. She is young, deserves better and can get better. I've never cheated before. I agree with your latter two points though. The biggest thing I think is that I don't really know what I want any more. I'm not one for high drama and I don't really know why I posted here. I like the simple life and until recently had the simple life. I hate hurting people. She's so happy at the moment; is it fair to drop this bombshell on her? Or, if I stop texting this new girl and put the sex down to a drunken mistake, I can focus on my gf when she is back and deal with the guilt on my own, as a punishment to myself. No more tomfoolery, no hurt for her, 100% pain for me. Thoughts?
Eeyore79 Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 The biggest thing I think is that I don't really know what I want any more. If you don't know what you want, you owe it to your gf to tell her that. I hate hurting people. She's so happy at the moment; is it fair to drop this bombshell on her? Or, if I stop texting this new girl and put the sex down to a drunken mistake, I can focus on my gf when she is back and deal with the guilt on my own, as a punishment to myself. No more tomfoolery, no hurt for her, 100% pain for me. She is happy at the moment, but she is happy with a lie, and she deserves the truth. You may hate hurting people, but the unfortunate fact is that you've already done it. Yes, you have to deal with your own guilt, but you have no right to keep her in the dark and deny her the opportunity to make an informed decision about your actions. She deserves to know the truth, and you deserve to deal with whatever her decision is.
norajane Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I've just been thrown into a situation that I now know I was totally unprepared for and one that I haven't dealt with at all well.That's just not true! How can you believe that? So she went on a trip for 3 months - is it really that hard to keep it in your pants that long? What would you have needed to be "prepared" for that? You've been making bad choice after bad choice after bad choice. The only "situation" here is that the woman you supposedly love and think is fantastic and who trusted you was betrayed by your actions and decisions. You have proven yourself to be untrustworthy despite promising her that you wouldn't be "one of them", and that's on YOU. You ARE "one of them". You have to accept that about yourself - you are one of those guys that screwed her over and you are no better than they are. That is an issue you have gain clarity on, because if you are willing and able to cheat on this girl, you will do so again to the next girl. You have to figure out what it is within you that is "broken" to the point that you can cheat on someone you love. Character and integrity are exhibited in our actions. Your actions show your character and integrity to need lots and lots of work. Own it, take responsibility for it, and work on improving your character and integrity. Start by being honest with her instead of compounding it with lies and omissions of truth.
ICouldSayTheSame Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 I hate hurting people. She's so happy at the moment; is it fair to drop this bombshell on her? Or, if I stop texting this new girl and put the sex down to a drunken mistake, I can focus on my gf when she is back and deal with the guilt on my own, as a punishment to myself. No more tomfoolery, no hurt for her, 100% pain for me. You do deserve to live with the pain and hurt for being such an idiot. Like people have said, it's not hard to keep it in your trousers for 3 months. What if she went away in the future for longer? If you can cheat on her once, you can bet your life you'll be able to do it again. Sure, some people that make that "one mistake" can never do it again because they realise they've been a total d*ck, but you have done it more than once and it's only now that she's due home that you're saying you won't do it. Of course you won't, cos she'll be around. It'll be best for her (as she's the most important person in all this), if you tell her and let her make her mind up. You've been together for just over a year right, if you don't tell her and do it in the future, say when you've been together 3 years, you'll hurt her a hell of a lot more. Don't be selfish; tell her. She deserves that after what you've done at least. I've just been thrown into a situation that I now know I was totally unprepared for and one that I haven't dealt with at all well. So you've been thrown into a situation where you're not with your girlfriend? Are you really that bad, that once your girlfriend has gone, you get off with others? There's temptations everywhere, no-one can help that, it's part of being human, but you should have the decency to not pursue any of them because as far as I'm concerned, if you can cheat on this poor girl MORE THAN ONCE, you can't really love her that much! Hopefully you'll tell her and she'll dump your ass for being a complete moron and that you'll learn not to do it with your next relationship.
Author dojokun Posted May 7, 2010 Author Posted May 7, 2010 All harsh but totally fair comments. She'll definitely dump me, I have no doubts about that. When I said I wasn't prepared, I suppose what I really meant was I didn't know how hard it'd be to sustain a relationship. The first month or so I really did miss her, but once you go without something for long enough you kind of forget the feelings that thing brings to you. Four months away is not a long time at all and I appreciate that my character is fundamentally flawed, but it's a weird situation to be in; not knowing what she's doing, where she is etc and speaking to her sporadically throughout the month isn't a great substitute. I understand many of you will say that if I really did love her then I could easily have waited it out, but until you're in that situation for yourself it's incredibly hard to put yourself there. We always spent a lot of time together when she was here, I'd stay round most weekends etc and at first it's a great feeling and you feel good. Eventually, once the "honeymoon period" is over, it becomes the norm and you gradually focus on the importance less. So it becomes less like "oooh yay I'm staying at hers again this weekend!!" to "Yeah, I'll be at hers this weekend. Again". As it's the norm, to have that suddenly taken away is almost like taking a part of yourself away. It's a bizarre feeling and not one I'm explaining very well. I guess my point is I didn't really realise just how different it'd be without her around. She'd been a huge part of my life for a year and then she was just, gone, albeit only temporarily. I've done A LOT of thinking this week and I think my actions are of course terrible. Why did I do it? To punish my gf for going away? To cover myself in case she cheats on me? Because actually I'm quite lonely without her? Because I miss her so I'm trying to replace her on a temporary basis? Because I've never been like this before and it's a new and wonderful feeling? So much stuff just swirls around and sadly, I think the reason I've done what I've done is a mixture of all the little bits above. Depressing in itself really. Every time I come on here I open up more and waffle on more. Apologies if it's too long to keep reading. Weird how I think of new things each day. I've never been in a place like this before (with myself), and I've certainly never done this much assessment of myself before.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 7, 2010 Posted May 7, 2010 If she were screwing other dudes "down under" right now, wouldn't you feel it was only fair that she tell you when she gets back? The plain truth is you didn't love and respect her enough to stay faithful. At least have the decency to tell her, and let her go so she can find a man who does love and respect her that much.
ICouldSayTheSame Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 I've done A LOT of thinking this week and I think my actions are of course terrible. Why did I do it? To punish my gf for going away? To cover myself in case she cheats on me? Because actually I'm quite lonely without her? Because I miss her so I'm trying to replace her on a temporary basis? Because I've never been like this before and it's a new and wonderful feeling? So much stuff just swirls around and sadly, I think the reason I've done what I've done is a mixture of all the little bits above. Depressing in itself really. Dude, you might just be a really insecure person. Have your previous relationships been damaging to you? I'm still not gonna say what you've done was right, but if you're really insecure, then yes, you might have done it out of fear rather than the fact you don't love her. At the end of the day, if you do love her deeply and you did it out of fear, that's something you couldn't have helped, as like you said, you hadn't been put in this position before. I'll let you answer whether you're insecure or not before I continue on with that. BUT no matter what little pieces make up this puzzle, the finish still resulted in you committing a terrible crime. It will really hurt her and you and I'm sorry, but I still stand by my original opinion that you deserve every single piece of guilt that comes your way. I just hope that, if she does stay with you (providing you tell her, which you really should), you never cheat on her EVER again.
SarahRose Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 Dude I normally wouldn't say this but gee you two are very very young. It is hard for young people to stay monogamous. Don't worry about what you did. Just make sure you didn't get an std from it. I guarantee that she is doing the same thing with a 3 month trip down under with some hot surfer guy(s). Don't worry about it. Forgive each other and move on.
Author dojokun Posted May 8, 2010 Author Posted May 8, 2010 Dude I normally wouldn't say this but gee you two are very very young. It is hard for young people to stay monogamous. Don't worry about what you did. Just make sure you didn't get an std from it. I guarantee that she is doing the same thing with a 3 month trip down under with some hot surfer guy(s). Don't worry about it. Forgive each other and move on. If I know her as well as I think I do, she hasn't and wouldn't cheated. I almost kind of wish she does now after what I've done, but I'm 90% sure she hasn't. Dude, you might just be a really insecure person. Have your previous relationships been damaging to you? I'm still not gonna say what you've done was right, but if you're really insecure, then yes, you might have done it out of fear rather than the fact you don't love her. At the end of the day, if you do love her deeply and you did it out of fear, that's something you couldn't have helped, as like you said, you hadn't been put in this position before. I'll let you answer whether you're insecure or not before I continue on with that. BUT no matter what little pieces make up this puzzle, the finish still resulted in you committing a terrible crime. It will really hurt her and you and I'm sorry, but I still stand by my original opinion that you deserve every single piece of guilt that comes your way. I just hope that, if she does stay with you (providing you tell her, which you really should), you never cheat on her EVER again. I wouldn't say damaging to me, no. I'm not the kind of person to get emotionally upset about anything really. And I've never been insecure before. However with her going away and despite the fact that I'm almost certain she wouldn't cheat, it always plays on my mind that she might of done, and I just have no way of knowing. So I guess that boils down to being a little bit insecure. Don't know really, I hadn't explored that area before.
Lizzie60 Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 I am also pretty sure she hasn't cheated on you.. and won't... You confirm my theory.. most men would cheat, given the opportunity and knowing their gf/wife won't find out.. You are very young to start cheating ... methink you will never stop... it's too addictive.. once you taste the excitement.. You might stop for a while, cause you love her.. (as you said).. but just watch, if you marry this woman.. and the routine gets in the way.. just watch.. you'll go looking for that excitement again.
Engadget Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 "She's been away for three months. I know she would never cheat on me because she is also 100% in love with me. She believed this of me too..." I stopped reading after this. And no, many men such as myself wouldn't cheat if our girlfriends wouldn't find out. Plenty do, yes but not all of us would.
ICouldSayTheSame Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 (edited) I wouldn't say damaging to me, no. I'm not the kind of person to get emotionally upset about anything really. And I've never been insecure before. However with her going away and despite the fact that I'm almost certain she wouldn't cheat, it always plays on my mind that she might of done, and I just have no way of knowing. So I guess that boils down to being a little bit insecure. Don't know really, I hadn't explored that area before. Explore it. You might find some interesting things. You might also bring up a lot of things you weren't insecure about before looking at it, but at least if you know them, you'll have something to work with and can stop these stupid actions so much. Trust does take time to build, so don't feel bad for not being able to trust her, you can't help that, but there are so many better ways you could have gone about tackling the issue. I suggest when she gets back, you look in her eyes and ask her straight up if she did any funny business while she was away, cos if you do decide to tell her YOU cheated and you ask her after that, she won't give you an answer. It'd be better to know if your insecurities were justified. Though even if they are, it doesn't make your actions right. But you'll have some comfort from doing it. I am also pretty sure she hasn't cheated on you.. and won't... You confirm my theory.. most men would cheat, given the opportunity and knowing their gf/wife won't find out.. You are very young to start cheating ... methink you will never stop... it's too addictive.. once you taste the excitement.. You might stop for a while, cause you love her.. (as you said).. but just watch, if you marry this woman.. and the routine gets in the way.. just watch.. you'll go looking for that excitement again. You're just being a misandrist here. You can't say you're "pretty sure she hasn't cheated" because you don't know what she's like and what she's thinking while she's away. Secondly, there's no age limit on cheating, you can't be "too young" for it, like you can't be too old. I'm guessing from the rest of that sentance that you've cheated. If you have, you no longer have an opinion of any validity. Thus, your sentance about "most men would cheat" is incorrect. It's incorrect anyway because more women cheat than men and that's fact, so if "most" of us would do it, that basically means ALL you women would. I almost forgot to say... I wouldn't cheat on my girlfriend, even if the opportunity arose, which is unlikely as I stay away from such situations. Cheating just isn't in my nature and I'm a guy. So stop being a lesbian. Edited May 8, 2010 by ICouldSayTheSame
Lizzie60 Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 Find me the stats where it says that more women cheat... A lot more men cheat.. (mid age to older) Very young guy.. I can understand.. everything is sooo new... so it,s easier for them to stay faithful for a few years.. A lot more men cheat.. a lot more women forgive and stay with their cheater.. more and more younger women cheat... I'll give you that.. Most older women lose interest in sex (low libido) so I doubt they would go out there to have sex.. Those are facts..
Lizzie60 Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 Explore it. You might find some interesting things. You might also bring up a lot of things you weren't insecure about before looking at it, but at least if you know them, you'll have something to work with and can stop these stupid actions so much. Trust does take time to build, so don't feel bad for not being able to trust her, you can't help that, but there are so many better ways you could have gone about tackling the issue. I suggest when she gets back, you look in her eyes and ask her straight up if she did any funny business while she was away, cos if you do decide to tell her YOU cheated and you ask her after that, she won't give you an answer. It'd be better to know if your insecurities were justified. Though even if they are, it doesn't make your actions right. But you'll have some comfort from doing it. You're just being a misandrist here. You can't say you're "pretty sure she hasn't cheated" because you don't know what she's like and what she's thinking while she's away. Secondly, there's no age limit on cheating, you can't be "too young" for it, like you can't be too old. I'm guessing from the rest of that sentance that you've cheated. If you have, you no longer have an opinion of any validity. Thus, your sentance about "most men would cheat" is incorrect. It's incorrect anyway because more women cheat than men and that's fact, so if "most" of us would do it, that basically means ALL you women would. I almost forgot to say... I wouldn't cheat on my girlfriend, even if the opportunity arose, which is unlikely as I stay away from such situations. Cheating just isn't in my nature and I'm a guy. So stop being a lesbian. Nope.. I never cheated on my partners..
Dexter Morgan Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 I've never cheated before. makes all the difference in the world I suppose after messing around with 3 differenent girls in a matter of a couple weeks, and frequenting the night life knowing the outcomes of them. She's so happy at the moment; is it fair to drop this bombshell on her? no, it is fair to set her free so she can be with someone else that deserves her and that she deserves in return Or, if I stop texting this new girl and put the sex down to a drunken mistake, I can focus on my gf when she is back and deal with the guilt on my own, as a punishment to myself. No more tomfoolery, no hurt for her, 100% pain for me. Thoughts? no more tomfoolery? but only when she is not miles away. nah, I say set her free from you. When she is out of sight, out of mind, you'll just end up going out to clubs, pubs, whatever you want to call them, and getting involved with other girls again. so set her free so she can find someone that will be true to her.
Lizzie60 Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 To be honest with you dojo... I don't think you will stop... You love this woman.. you said you'd see yourself marrying her.. and yet, as soon as she goes away, you're in bed with another woman... Humm.. doesn't look good.. You remind me of my young MM (serial cheater).. he already called 4 times today to see me.. he said he loves me and misses me too much.. I said I might be able to give him only one hour this afternoon... Every time he comes over, he said he should stop.. that he feels guilty.. ha-hem.. I don't believe him anymore..
ICouldSayTheSame Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 Find me the stats where it says that more women cheat... A lot more men cheat.. (mid age to older) Very young guy.. I can understand.. everything is sooo new... so it,s easier for them to stay faithful for a few years.. A lot more men cheat.. a lot more women forgive and stay with their cheater.. more and more younger women cheat... I'll give you that.. Most older women lose interest in sex (low libido) so I doubt they would go out there to have sex.. Those are facts.. Ok, well the document I looked at saying more women cheated was from 2006, but even still, I think it is probably pretty even between sexes nowadays. Apparently 45-55% of married people cheat, which is a bit worrying. I still don't agree that you can be "too young to cheat" though. At the end of the day, cheating is still terribly wrong and society is going the completely wrong way. Glad to hear you didn't cheat on your partner, but if you haven't, you can't say "it's addictive" as you've never done it.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 honestly, I would tend to agree that more men cheat. And I saw some stats at a couple places that would seem to reconcile that. But the percentages weren't so far apart that it really makes any difference. it was close enough to say that both cheat pretty much the same. Now the total bulls##t I always hear is: When a man cheats, he is just a selfish pr!ck. When a woman cheats, its because her man is just a selfish pr!ck. Man cheats, he is a dog....woman cheats, then there must be a good reason and we should treat her with kid gloves. ok, even though everyone does it, sorry for the t/j
Lizzie60 Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 Ok, well the document I looked at saying more women cheated was from 2006, but even still, I think it is probably pretty even between sexes nowadays. Apparently 45-55% of married people cheat, which is a bit worrying. I still don't agree that you can be "too young to cheat" though. At the end of the day, cheating is still terribly wrong and society is going the completely wrong way. Glad to hear you didn't cheat on your partner, but if you haven't, you can't say "it's addictive" as you've never done it. That's not the way I meant it.. I meant.. when two young people are together.. they haven't been together for long enough (10+ years).. so they haven't had the time to get bored as much with each other.. etc... While in the honeymoon (lust) phase.. it's very uncommon for men AND women to cheat..
ICouldSayTheSame Posted May 8, 2010 Posted May 8, 2010 That's not the way I meant it.. I meant.. when two young people are together.. they haven't been together for long enough (10+ years).. so they haven't had the time to get bored as much with each other.. etc... While in the honeymoon (lust) phase.. it's very uncommon for men AND women to cheat.. Oh ok, fair enough, I wouldn't say it was very uncommon though. A fair few young people cheat on their partners.
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