befreckled Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 The age old question! Faced with two situations - dating someone who is obviously really into you, and ready to take the next step or dating someone who you dig more than they dig you. Of course, nothing is as simple. So I will explain. Date 1: has been married before, knows what he wants and is in a place where he is able to focus on finding the love of his love (the first was a marriage of convenience so he says), can be somewhat smothering but it could be cos I'm insanely independent. Date 2: is the same age as me which is by no means young (30), an enigma, will probably move to work in another country in a year's time or so (my assumption) Expectedly, I like Date 2 more but I had been previously engaged to a guy like Date 1 who turned out to be one of the best relationships in my life. Discuss!
Phantom9309 Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Doesn't it really depend on what you're looking for right now in life? Take me for example, I'm 27, about to graduate from college (started way late), and I start my corporate job in June. I honestly think that I could go for either situation at the moment, so I'd just try to have fun on both dates. However, there is a part of me that thinks about how nice it would be to find the one right now because everything else in my life is falling into place.
Eeyore79 Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 I would say it's always better to be in a secure relationship with someone who loves you, rather than an insecure relationship with someone who you love but who doesn't love you back. There is a future in the former, but not in the latter. Of course, ideally you'd want a combination of the two; someone you love who also loves you back and makes you feel secure. In your situation, Guy #1 sounds like the best bet for an LTR. Guy #2 is enigmatic and planning on moving away; there's no future in that relationship. But tbh, I question if there's a future with Guy #1 anyway, considering you're not really into him. Perhaps you're better off ditching both of them and looking for someone you like who also likes you back and is secure and reliable.
Rorschach Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Truthfully neither is a healthy relationship, if you have no feelings for #1 it's not going to end well and if #2 has no feelings for you it's not going to end well. That said I'd rather be loved, I give love easily but I don't feel it returned often. Nothing like being needed.
Sivok Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Both feelings suck. To love and not be loved is great in that you feel the passion, to be loved is to feel guilty that you dont feel the same. Personally... I always go after the one im more interested in
Phantom9309 Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 I actually posted something about Gary Chapman's 5 love languages in another post a few weeks ago. Figured this might be another good thread to bring it up. All people are different in the ways they show love, so there are some relationships where the couple show each other love in totally different ways. So in those relationships, someone is going to feel less appreciated than the other. I think it's worth taking 5 mins to check out these love languages. It's something I learned in one of my Communications classes. There are free tests online to figure out which love languages you tend to gravitate towards.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 Truthfully neither is a healthy relationship, if you have no feelings for #1 it's not going to end well and if #2 has no feelings for you it's not going to end well. Agree. And more than one study has shown (and it makes sense) that relationships are more successful when the man is a little more into the woman than vice versa. Keeps the man's wanderlust a little better in check, which makes for more stability and endurance.
PJKino Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 For me to be loved because knowing how much somebody loves or cares for me makes me love them even more..Couldnt imagine loving soemobdy while they could care less..
PJKino Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 Agree. And more than one study has shown (and it makes sense) that relationships are more successful when the man is a little more into the woman than vice versa. Keeps the man's wanderlust a little better in check, which makes for more stability and endurance. Makes no sense to me..Maybe 50 years ago but women are as much apt to cheat as Men are these days so the idea a women doesnt have to love as much becasue her eyes wont wander liek a guy isnt accurate..
Woggle Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 You will only end up breaking #1's heart so stay away from and #2 will end up breaking your heart so better to not get involved with him. A man being more in love might keep him from straying but it certainly does not prevent her from getting bored and losing attraction and possible straying herself.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 Makes no sense to me..Maybe 50 years ago but women are as much apt to cheat as Men are these days so the idea a women doesnt have to love as much becasue her eyes wont wander liek a guy isnt accurate.. When the man is a little more into the woman, both the man and woman report much higher levels of happiness than in the opposite situation. I'm not saying she doesn't give a flip about him. They're both into the other -- but he's just a little more into her.
Woggle Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 When the man is a little more into the woman, both the man and woman report much higher levels of happiness than in the opposite situation. I'm not saying she doesn't give a flip about him. They're both into the other -- but he's just a little more into her. I don't know what study you get that from but countless threads on this board show what happens when the man is a little more into the woman.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 I don't know what study you get that from but countless threads on this board show what happens when the man is a little more into the woman. I think those are often cases in which the man is way more into the woman -- guys who go for the hottie in high demand and then act all surprised and hurt when she goes for the male hottie instead of him.
PJKino Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 When the man is a little more into the woman, both the man and woman report much higher levels of happiness than in the opposite situation. I'm not saying she doesn't give a flip about him. They're both into the other -- but he's just a little more into her. I dont see it..Youre talking from your own persepctive or experience...Maybe youve been burned or like to be loved more then you love but most relationships work when its close as possible to equal.. I dont see the logic in it being better when one gender[the male] loves more then the other[women]
Woggle Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 I think those are often cases in which the man is way more into the woman -- guys who go for the hottie in high demand and then act all surprised and hurt when she goes for the male hottie instead of him. A little chasm can become a huge chasm over time. I am starting to think that the only way a can truly keep a woman attracted is to keep her constantly chasing him.
PJKino Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 The only thing ill buy is that women are more attention/compliment hounds then Men and need more outward signs of effection/love then Men do for the most part but it doesnt mena one side loves more then the other its just different ways of expressing it..
Ruby Slippers Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 It is extremely rare that relationships are truly equal in this respect. Usually, one person is at least slightly more into the other. I've had four serious relationships, and there was at least a slight tilt in one direction in every one of them. Think about your own relationships. Have you been in one where this was truly 100% balanced?
Ruby Slippers Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 The only thing ill buy is that women are more attention/compliment hounds then Men and need more outward signs of effection/love then Men do for the most part... This makes sense from a reproductive standpoint. Getting pregnant, carrying a fetus, and rearing offspring is a huge commitment on the woman's part. She needs to make sure her mate is invested. Compliments and attention are tokens of social proof that he is invested and worth mating with.
PJKino Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 It is extremely rare that relationships are truly equal in this respect. Usually, one person is at least slightly more into the other. I've had four serious relationships, and there was at least a slight tilt in one direction in every one of them. Think about your own relationships. Have you been in one where this was truly 100% balanced? But when its close enough and its LOVE from both sides whos keeping score? You seem to be one of those people who needs to be in control of a relationship and is constantly mkaing sure your partner loves you more then you love him which is fine for YOU but to say its better for the whole female gender is a a bit much.. Its what you want and desire doesnt mean its correct for everyone else..
PJKino Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 This makes sense from a reproductive standpoint. Getting pregnant, carrying a fetus, and rearing offspring is a huge commitment on the woman's part. She needs to make sure her mate is invested. Compliments and attention are tokens of social proof that he is invested and worth mating with. I think its that females are more insecure creatures and constantly need validation/compliments but your opinions valid as well
Ruby Slippers Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 Its what you want and desire doesnt mean its correct for everyone else.. I'm talking about studies discussed in peer-reviewed psychological and science journals. Anyway, I think it's pretty basic common sense. Most ladies' grandma told them to "marry a man who loves you a little more". Those grandmas knew what they were talking about.
PJKino Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 I'm talking about studies discussed in peer-reviewed psychological and science journals. Anyway, I think it's pretty basic common sense. Most ladies' grandma told them to "marry a man who loves you a little more". Those grandmas knew what they were talking about. But theres no evidence of it other then some stupid cliche saying..
Woggle Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 This makes sense from a reproductive standpoint. Getting pregnant, carrying a fetus, and rearing offspring is a huge commitment on the woman's part. She needs to make sure her mate is invested. Compliments and attention are tokens of social proof that he is invested and worth mating with. Any idiot can give a woman compliments. It takes a real man to actually stick around and raise his child which is something many women are pretty poor judges of.
Minnie09 Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 A no-brainer: being loved is "better". Definitely my choice.
shadowplay Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 Being loved is always better in my experience. At least it's secure, while the other always causes heartbreak and grief.
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