In a bad place but hopeful

[sruben]

As for telling your husband, personally I don't see any benefit from that. It's not like it was a full blown affair. Yes, you have "checked out" of your marriage for a time. Doesn't mean you can't check back in.

Many here will tell you that you 100% can't have a good marriage if you don't tell your husband. That simply is not true. You can.

Good Luck! Keep us posted on your NC progress.

 

Oh, sure, on the surface it would appear so, but she would always know the truth, and if he suspects even slightly, it's going to gnaw at him to the very depths of his soul.

 

If you respect, love and trust your husband AT ALL, you should tell him. If it was only an EA that did not go physical, and you tell him (as opposed to him finding out some other way), he's much more likely to forgive you and be willing to work on making your marriage stronger.

 

On the other hand, if you think he's just a dope and should take whatever you give him and be thankful for it, by all means...hide the truth. Keeping secrets in your marriage will ultimately doom it to failure, anyway, once he starts discovering just how many secrets you've been hiding...

[sruben]

W2BG, I just want to preface what I'm going to say later with this -- it's not my intention to beat up on you. I want to encourage you to do the right thing, the thing that is best for you, your husband and family, but you need to see where you're contradicting yourself:

 

I thought I would add this. After I posted my story here on ls last night out of nowhere my H sat down beside and me hugged me. It's not that he hasn't done that before, but I just really, really needed it. It's like he knew to hug me but didn't know why. I wasn't crying.

 

No, but I'll bet he can tell that something isn't right. I did the same thing for my wife last summer. She seemed so unhappy, said it wasn't me, just didn't know what she wanted, was having a midlife crisis, etc.

 

I was just watching TV. I had to hold back tears. The smell of his skin, his sweet hands and strong arms just made realize he is who I am doing this for. My goal is to not hurt him.

 

Too late. You know that, right? Even if he doesn't know WHY there's a knife in his back and can't really feel it, yet (a common symptom in real knife wounds, by the way) and hasn't really mentally recognized it...

 

If I can get through this and make OM fade from my thoughts and meanwhile replacing those thoughts with my husband and my security, then I'll be far from hurting him.

 

But the knife is still there...

 

I can't control his work situation. I can't control how other people treat him, but I can control how I treat him.

 

But you didn't, unless it was your intention to hurt him, in which case you've done that quite well.

 

I can be the one person he can depend on and can rely on.

 

But you failed there, only he doesn't know it.

 

Or did you mean that you want him to go on THINKING that he can depend and rely on you when YOU know that he really can't?

 

He already does. He trusts me with all his heart and I see it.

 

Is that how you were able to put the knife in?

 

He has from the day we met. I have failed as a wife with what I've done but it is not beyond repair. I have hope.

 

Your hope is a false one unless you confess to him. If he already suspects, and it appears that he does, this will gnaw at him and eventually cause him to abandon all those other things which are distracting him in order to discover the truth...unless he really doesn't care.

 

He needs your help. You alone hold the truth to the situation. And I encourage you not to engage in "trickle truth", just telling him a little now, a little later. Tell him the full truth and let him decide how he's going to handle it. Let him know you want to be 100% committed to the marriage from here on out and that you want to earn his trust again, even though you've blown it. This will go a long way toward getting him to forgive you and work with you to build your marriage into what it can be. Don't delay a week! The longer you wait, the more it hurts him.

[ConflictedGuy27]

W2BG, a few things:

 

1. Your husband's onto you. That hug that you so needed wasn't just a random hug. He knows something's off and he was offering affection becauses he senses the conflict within you.

 

I remember all too clearly my ex's guilt seeping out from time to time BEFORE I confirmed the affair. I responded exactly how your H did and when I noticed it kept going I began investigating.

 

2. Most of the focus in this thread has been about you, but make no mistake that in your current state (& the state of your M) your H is vulnerable to an A also. Do you think you're meeting his needs right now?? Do you think there aren't women in his day to day life tempting him to one degree or another? I'm sure there's at least one.

 

Please realize that any efforts you implement alone may not affect the vulnerability present with him currently. That's another reason to partner and knock this thing out together.

 

3. You mention giving yourself a week to see "progress". I'm not sure what you mean by "progress". I certainly fail to see how keeping a betrayed man in the dark somehow improves his situation. I see how you may think this helps you, but there is no benefit for him by you keeping him contained within your lie.

[want2begood]

Again, I appreciate your advice but I stand by the the choice of not telling my husband as long as I stay in NC. If I see that I go back, break NC, I will tell him. He's been in the front of mind, not OM. You seem so sure that I can't do this myself. Maybe you're right but I'm giving it a chance. If at anytime I see I can't handle it, he will be informed. I told OM today that I can't talk to him anymore. Maybe he didn't deserve to hear anything from me, but I wouldn't feel right about not saying anything at all. He said he understood and would respect my wishes. So I'm going to keep pressing on. He's off my contacts, his e-mails are blocked, his calls are blocked, etc. I am serious. My life is not boring. I let the EA take the place of my life, but I really have a full life with lots of people I care about it. I have family and friends that I do things with everyday. I made the choice to focus on the EA and take the focus of my life. So I am taking the steps to get my life back. I've also prayed a lot today because that helps me as well. I do feel stronger than this morning. I know I will have good and bad days, but I will suffer through the bad days if it means not betraying my H anymore. The fog will lift and I will be relieved one day. I am certain of that.

[jwi71]

Again, I appreciate your advice but I stand by the the choice of not telling my husband as long as I stay in NC. If I see that I go back, break NC, I will tell him. He's been in the front of mind, not OM. You seem so sure that I can't do this myself. Maybe you're right but I'm giving it a chance. If at anytime I see I can't handle it, he will be informed. I told OM today that I can't talk to him anymore. Maybe he didn't deserve to hear anything from me, but I wouldn't feel right about not saying anything at all. He said he understood and would respect my wishes. So I'm going to keep pressing on. He's off my contacts, his e-mails are blocked, his calls are blocked, etc. I am serious. My life is not boring. I let the EA take the place of my life, but I really have a full life with lots of people I care about it. I have family and friends that I do things with everyday. I made the choice to focus on the EA and take the focus of my life. So I am taking the steps to get my life back. I've also prayed a lot today because that helps me as well. I do feel stronger than this morning. I know I will have good and bad days, but I will suffer through the bad days if it means not betraying my H anymore. The fog will lift and I will be relieved one day. I am certain of that.

 

Fair enough.

 

I would still strongly consider IC to help you uncover WHY this happened.

Without truly understanding those motivations you cannot have any expectation of "healing".

 

Please keep us posted on how you are doing. There are a few WS here who can help...you will be walking the same path they did.

 

Let me ask you this. Does your H know the OM? Is he a mutual acquaintance/friend?

[sruben]

Again, I appreciate your advice but I stand by the the choice of not telling my husband as long as I stay in NC.

 

You're clearly not listening! This isn't about you and what you want and are willing to do. Your husband deserves to know what you did to him and to the relationship that YOU SHARE! It's not "your" marriage, it belongs to both of you, and you broke it! Why won't you tell him? I know why -- you're afraid of the consequences.

 

I've also prayed a lot today

 

To whom? The God of the Bible? Do you know what He says? Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other -- James 5:16. The truth will set you free! John 8:32.

 

Your husband deserves to know. If you don't, your marriage will always be a sham, and YOU will know it!

 

Do the right thing!

 

because that helps me as well. I do feel stronger than this morning. I know I will have good and bad days, but I will suffer through the bad days if it means not betraying my H anymore. The fog will lift and I will be relieved one day. I am certain of that.

 

Clearly, your head is still in that fog, but at least you're aware of it. :-(

[confusedinkansas]

Again, I appreciate your advice but I stand by the the choice of not telling my husband as long as I stay in NC. If I see that I go back, break NC, I will tell him. He's been in the front of mind, not OM. You seem so sure that I can't do this myself. Maybe you're right but I'm giving it a chance. If at anytime I see I can't handle it, he will be informed. I told OM today that I can't talk to him anymore. Maybe he didn't deserve to hear anything from me, but I wouldn't feel right about not saying anything at all. He said he understood and would respect my wishes. So I'm going to keep pressing on. He's off my contacts, his e-mails are blocked, his calls are blocked, etc. I am serious. My life is not boring. I let the EA take the place of my life, but I really have a full life with lots of people I care about it. I have family and friends that I do things with everyday. I made the choice to focus on the EA and take the focus of my life. So I am taking the steps to get my life back. I've also prayed a lot today because that helps me as well. I do feel stronger than this morning. I know I will have good and bad days, but I will suffer through the bad days if it means not betraying my H anymore. The fog will lift and I will be relieved one day. I am certain of that.

 

Everyone needs to make their own decision on the TO TELL or NOT TO TELL subject. Only YOU know the entire situation you're in. We don't.

 

It's kind of funny (not the ha ha kind) how everytime there's a thread like this one it is turned around to be a ..... "YOU MUST TELL" thread.

Not how it was intended from the first posting.

 

You CAN do this. Yes, there may be a reason why you had the EA in the first place. Your marriage MAY be missing something. But it doesn't always have to be super drama filled like many here make it out to be. Heck, from reading posts here there are some people that have marriages that are just fine & they still cheat. Go Figure.

 

Stay tough! Continue the NC. It definitely gets better over time....take it from someone that's been there....&....done that.

 

Your husband deserves to know. If you don't, your marriage will always be a sham, and YOU will know it!

 

Not always the case sruben - so you really shouldn't bulk it into a big group like it is.

[Dexter Morgan]

Not always the case sruben

 

its not the case that her husband deserves to know?

 

so you think that he deserves to be lied to and kept in the dark?

[confusedinkansas]

its not the case that her husband deserves to know?

 

so you think that he deserves to be lied to and kept in the dark?

 

As I said - Everyone needs to make their own decisions in this matter.

 

Also......It's not always the case that your (or her - or anyone's) marriage is a SHAM if you don't tell. Marriages do survive these things....some when you tell & others when you don't.

 

Sruben is bulking every marriage as if they are all the same. They aren't. That's all I'm sayin'!

[sruben]

Everyone needs to make their own decision on the TO TELL or NOT TO TELL subject. Only YOU know the entire situation you're in. We don't.

 

Not always the case sruben - so you really shouldn't bulk it into a big group like it is.

 

Okay, well, perhaps I'm projecting a bit, but I definitely feel strongly about it.

 

The only reason I can think of that she should NOT tell her husband about it is if he's likely to harm her. IMHO...

[sruben]

its not the case that her husband deserves to know?

 

so you think that he deserves to be lied to and kept in the dark?

 

Some WW's evidently believe that. Think it'll hurt their poor BH to know he's been B'd. Poor little guy can't take it...

[jwi71]

Everyone needs to make their own decision on the TO TELL or NOT TO TELL subject. Only YOU know the entire situation you're in. We don't.

 

100% agree. The decision is hers alone - as are the consequences of telling or not.

 

It's kind of funny (not the ha ha kind) how everytime there's a thread like this one it is turned around to be a ..... "YOU MUST TELL" thread.

Not how it was intended from the first posting.

In the context of this thread I believe disclosure is a natural extension to the topic - always will be in these types of WS threads in terms of ending the A and saving the M.

 

What I find odd is your continually triggering on it...you ok?

 

Yes, there may be a reason why you had the EA in the first place. Your marriage MAY be missing something

I think the M has some issues. One, she's having an A. And two, they have only MINUTES together...that's gotta be hard on them both...I'm sure there are more.

 

And these are things that I would suggest get brought up in MC. However, were she to pursue it she would almost immediately face a HUGE dilemma. The MC WILL ask if either has committed adultery...MC is ONLY effective if you are HONEST there...

 

. But it doesn't always have to be super drama filled like many here make it out to be.

SHE is clearly not ok with it. She has repeatedly used the words "betray" and "guilt" - not to mention her clear religious convictions of which an A certainly conflicts - so we have a crisis of the M and a crisis of faith. That's some pretty serious drama - reconciling with her H and her faith...my opinion of course.

Heck, from reading posts here there are some people that have marriages that are just fine & they still cheat. Go Figure.

And I often wonder how they do it. I can almost understand compartmentalizing the M to the point where lies flow like water but I wonder how much of their soul must be anesthetized and how morality twisted to allow it to not only happen but continue.

 

The truth really does set you free.

 

Stay tough! Continue the NC. It definitely gets better over time....take it from someone that's been there....&....done that.

Wholly agree.

[confusedinkansas]

I guess I'm here for encouragement.

How long does it take to mourn the loss of an EA because I know that is what I have to do? Could anyone give me a NC success story to motivate me? I keep seeing threads where NC failed over and over again. I am not sure how strong I am. I know what I want but I don't know how to get there. I just want a normal marriage and life at home - the life I had before I met OM. No one is to blame but me in this situation. Since I have met OM, I have been on what so many others have described as an emotional rollercoaster. I go between intense happiness to extreme guilt over and over and over again. I don't know why I am so afraid to stop. If I knew someone going through this I would just tell them to stop and focus on their family. I tell myself that but I'm not convincing. Help please. I just want to cry.

 

This is why the original poster came here - Her first post.

 

What I find odd is your continually triggering on it...you ok?

 

What "triggers" me is that every time this happens - posters get off course. They harp on TELLING. That's not why she came here.

 

I merely said the things I did because I can wholly sympathize with this scenario. It is VERY difficult to drag yourself out of a situation like this. Even if in your mind you know what you're doing isn't what you really want in life. Your head & your heart are at war. She's confused.

 

I'm just here for encouragement. Letting W2BG know that ....

It does get easier.

NC is possible. (but you have to stick to it)

If you break NC....most of the time that means you weren't ready to end things. (& you may need some sort of closure)

The memories of the other person do fade over time.

 

.........One last thing - Be glad it didn't turn physical. You think it's difficult now. It is in my opinion 100% more difficult when the physical closeness to someone else comes into play.

[ConflictedGuy27]

I believe those of us advocating confession are still on point for this thread.

The OP asked for encouragement, initially; but also became quite clear that what she wants is to successfully break contact and focus in her H (I suspect for the purpose of saving/restoring the normalcy of her M).

 

Whether OP chooses to incorporate the advice offered into her plan is completely up to her. Be that as it may, I believe we would be doing the OP a moral disservice by simply cheerleading/encouraging a plan that may actually hurt her chances at receiving her desired result.

 

That's why I believe we're on point - we suggest & encourage those actions that may boost the odds of helping the OP succeed; even if the advice we give seems like a tough pill to swallow.

 

I believe OP knows this. She also knows that how she chooses to handle herself during this situation is up to her.

 

I get it. She's decided not to confess. I won't encourage that option because, frankly, he's already on track to figure this out sooner than OP thinks.

 

But let's assume 2 things: one - OP's H never finds out; and two - OP never confesses to her A. The issue OP has in my opinion are both of these concepts are built into her plan, and confession is used only as a contingency (if and only if she breaks NC).

 

This strategy is flawed because it's uber selfish. Its a manipulation. She has the luxury of making decisions while being able to see all the facts - I.e. playing Texas Holdem with your opponents cards up the whole hand, while yours remain hidden.

 

With all do respect, I hope OP's H finds out, one way or another, so atleast he'll have some clearer context for the decisions he has to make.

 

I wish both OP & her H well. Again, I think OP's ultimate goal is a noble one; however, I think her methods may blow up in her face.

[want2begood]

I have no doubt in my mind that you can go NC on your own. No doubt. But you're missing the point. Something led you astray from your marriage. You can not fix that on your own, unless you are married to yourself. A marriage is two people. Something is broken. You have to fix it together.

 

If you're not ready to tell right now, I get that. But- you MUST have a talk with your H about your marriage. There's NO WAY around that. NO WAY.

You cannot fix this yourself. Frankly, you don't have the right to. Anything else is disrespectful.

Talk to your husband. He's your life partner. If you can't talk to him, what else is there?

 

 

I know it's hard for you and some of the others to believe, but there was nothing wrong with my marriage other than not spending enough time with my husband because of his work. I just decided to fill that time with the wrong thing. I was being selfish. My H was doing nothing wrong. I was. I realize that now. I just made a terrible mistake. So in this case, if I act like a wife should and give him the respect he deserves, I don't see why I can't fix this myself. If I couldn't stay away from OM then my H would deserve to know but honestly, I am not having much trouble with NC. I feel so much lighter now that I don't have OM to worry about. My H and I did talk about making more time for each other.He is taking me to the beach this weekend and I'm so excited. He's making some changes at work. No man could ever take this place of my H. When I made my first post, I was at a low point where I was just filled with shame. Reading everyone's posts helped me see what a scumbag OM was anyway. I only knew him for two months and we were never alone together. We mostly talked online or on the phone. We met through a mutual friend so I don't ever have to see him again. We don't work together. We don't live close to each other. We have no connection at all that can't be avoided completely. I am a lot stronger than I thought. I don't love OM. I love my husband. All I can say is I will post again in a week or so. I have no desire whatsoever to go back to the way I felt. I have no desire to search from something outside my marriage. If I told my H now, it would set us both back. He would be insecure and for what? I was just selfish - plain and simple. I've seen the error of my ways and I'm moving forward.

 

In a nutshell: I missed my H so I used another man to fill that void. It was stupid.

Edited May 7, 2010 by want2begood

[road]

You will never repair your marriage with a third party involved. NC is a must. If it needs a new job and or moving then do so.

[jnj express]

Good for you, make sure you stick to your guns, and from now on if ANYTHING involving your mge., or family is bothering you---take the time to talk to your H., even if you have to force him to listen to you---that is where your time needs to be spent.

 

 

Good luck

[bananalaffytaffy]

I know it's hard for you and some of the others to believe, but there was nothing wrong with my marriage other than not spending enough time with my husband because of his work. I just decided to fill that time with the wrong thing. I was being selfish. My H was doing nothing wrong. I was. I realize that now. I just made a terrible mistake.

How can you fix this on your own? Just suck it up and be lonely in your nice house? If you don't want to disclose the EA to your H that's your decision, but if you're not willing to tell you H that things need to change in the marriage, then you only have yourself to blame if you are unhappy.

My H and I did talk about making more time for each other.He is taking me to the beach this weekend and I'm so excited. He's making some changes at work. No man could ever take this place of my H.

This is wonderful. I hope you can use this weekend to reconnect and maybe have a long conversation about your relationship. But one weekend isn't gonna fix it. It's going to take work from BOTH of you. How do you know he won't give you what you need if you just ask?

In a nutshell: I missed my H so I used another man to fill that void. It was stupid.

And what will you do the NEXT time you miss you husband? Will you speak to him about it, or just suck it up?

[want2begood]

Just wanted to check in and say I made the best decision I could have made last week. NC is a life saver. I am so in love with my H. What led me astray was I missed my hubby and I love attention from other men. My H has always known that about me. That sounds immature but that was me. It's not worth it anymore. He trusted me but knew I liked to flirt. Flirting used to be harmless for me, but I don't want to do it anymore. I feel better about myself only seeking the attention of my man. I have no emotional attachment to OM. I was caught up in ridiculous fantasy and fog. I was acting like a kid. i know the steps to take and what to avoid. No matter how good or bad a marriage is, temptation can present itself. It's up to the individual to flee from it. Now coming up with fantasies about my H is my new hobby. May you all have a blessed summer. I'm going to enjoy my family.

[confusedinkansas]

You still have a bit of a long road ahead ~ But GOOD FOR YOU for coming to this realization.

That's most of the battle. Realizing what happened & how to prevent it from happening again. Not that it would. Because there are those of us out there that are not serial cheaters. (contrary to what many believe)

I'm glad for you!!! Stay stong! You can do it!

[sruben]

Just wanted to check in and say I made the best decision I could have made last week. NC is a life saver. I am so in love with my H. What led me astray was I missed my hubby and I love attention from other men. My H has always known that about me. That sounds immature but that was me. It's not worth it anymore. He trusted me but knew I liked to flirt. Flirting used to be harmless for me, but I don't want to do it anymore. I feel better about myself only seeking the attention of my man. I have no emotional attachment to OM. I was caught up in ridiculous fantasy and fog. I was acting like a kid. i know the steps to take and what to avoid. No matter how good or bad a marriage is, temptation can present itself. It's up to the individual to flee from it. Now coming up with fantasies about my H is my new hobby. May you all have a blessed summer. I'm going to enjoy my family.

 

I feel so sorry for your husband...

[Chrome Barracuda]

I feel so sorry for your husband...

 

She's changing for the better rueben. I would have made that comment but look at her words, read between the lines. cut her some slack.

[confusedinkansas]

I feel so sorry for your husband...

 

You feel sorry for her husband because..????? You know all of the ins & outs of their relationship?.......Me thinks not.

You shouldn't ever feel sorry for the BS.....You don't know what brought any marriage to this point (or any other point for that matter - since there are other things in life that can challenge a marriage besides infidelity)

 

(sorry, sore spot for me - someone once said that to me on here........)Never ceases to amaze me what people think they know......or what they Assume to know

[Dexter Morgan]

You feel sorry for her husband because..????? You know all of the ins & outs of their relationship?.......Me thinks not.

You shouldn't ever feel sorry for the BS

 

of course you would say that. you are a cheater:rolleyes:

 

I'll always feel bad for someone that is being played for a fool, lied to, kept in the dark. Even if they know and the marriage isn't perfect, doesn't excuse going out and f#####g someone else and hurting them.

[Woggle]

You feel sorry for her husband because..????? You know all of the ins & outs of their relationship?.......Me thinks not.

You shouldn't ever feel sorry for the BS.....You don't know what brought any marriage to this point (or any other point for that matter - since there are other things in life that can challenge a marriage besides infidelity)

 

(sorry, sore spot for me - someone once said that to me on here........)Never ceases to amaze me what people think they know......or what they Assume to know

 

I always feel bad for somebody who is betrayed.