In a bad place but hopeful

[want2begood]

I guess I'm here for encouragement. I have been involved in an EA for several months now. I have distanced myself from my husband and have let OM become my source of happiness. I want to try NC but I'm afraid of breaking it. I know that sounds crazy. I more scared of what could happen if I continue the EA. I hate the thoughts I have. I hate that I don't give my husband the respect he deserves. I never thought of myself as a selfish person until I started reading through threads and seeing people not very different from myself betraying their spouses and breaking up families. How long does it take to mourn the loss of an EA because I know that is what I have to do? Could anyone give me a NC success story to motivate me? I keep seeing threads where NC failed over and over again. I am not sure how strong I am. I know what I want but I don't know how to get there. I just want a normal marriage and life at home - the life I had before I met OM. No one is to blame but me in this situation. Since I have met OM, I have been on what so many others have described as an emotional rollercoaster. I go between intense happiness to extreme guilt over and over and over again. I don't know why I am so afraid to stop. If I knew someone going through this I would just tell them to stop and focus on their family. I tell myself that but I'm not convincing. Help please. I just want to cry.

[califnan]

I don't have an NC success story for you .. but not to worry - others on here will.

 

Do you know why you are afraid to do NC. Is it because you are afraid of loosing him..

 

I would suggest starting NC under the best of circumstances - and with telling the OM that it is for everyone's best interest. Then know that your marriage and family is all that matters in your life.. Try to transfer all of your love and attraction to your husband - hopefully your marriage will change into what you wish it to be..

 

I wish you the Best..

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you have been doing to him? Why do you wish to disrespect your husband this way? I would suggest that you confess to your husband, go no contact with the OM and seek marriage counseling at once. If and when your husband finds out it will be much much worse. What you are doing right now is playing your husband for a complete fool. Does he really deserve this from you?

[Fouts]

Your needs from you husband, if you even want them anymore, aren't being met. The voids that the EA are filling, is it something your husband can ever provide for you? If so, let him know what's lacking. Give him the chance to fill that void instead of the EA.

 

If you don't want it from your husband anymore, it's not a good sign. We can't force ourselves to love, unfortunately.

[jnj express]

You just need to suck it up and go NC.---If you have been reading then you know the wreckage you will create for those who really love you----your family.

 

Your OM is scum, he knows you are married, (unless you are misleading him) He knows the repercussions to you and your families life.

 

Get out know, you have no idea what the rest of your life will be like if you don't end this hot little fling you are in. Believe me it is nothing but fantasy---there is no reality in your EA---It is just words to make you feel better about yourself---words from someone who will wreck lives and walk away free as a bird.

 

Spend your time working on the problems that caused you to do this, and work on your mge.

[ConflictedGuy27]

I guess I'm here for encouragement. I have been involved in an EA for several months now. I have distanced myself from my husband and have let OM become my source of happiness. I want to try NC but I'm afraid of breaking it. I know that sounds crazy. I more scared of what could happen if I continue the EA. I hate the thoughts I have. I hate that I don't give my husband the respect he deserves. I never thought of myself as a selfish person until I started reading through threads and seeing people not very different from myself betraying their spouses and breaking up families. How long does it take to mourn the loss of an EA because I know that is what I have to do? Could anyone give me a NC success story to motivate me? I keep seeing threads where NC failed over and over again. I am not sure how strong I am. I know what I want but I don't know how to get there. I just want a normal marriage and life at home - the life I had before I met OM. No one is to blame but me in this situation. Since I have met OM, I have been on what so many others have described as an emotional rollercoaster. I go between intense happiness to extreme guilt over and over and over again. I don't know why I am so afraid to stop. If I knew someone going through this I would just tell them to stop and focus on their family. I tell myself that but I'm not convincing. Help please. I just want to cry.

 

First I have to commend you on having enough character to acknowledge that the direction you're heading in is a DANGEROUS one. Kudos in that regard. How much character you actually have will be become clear in the upcoming weeks and months.

 

Let me say that I think you should tell your husband EXACTLY what you told us just now. If you're as serious as you claim to be about ending your affair, you need to tell him what's going on tonight.

 

I am a reasonable man; and I was a good husband during my marriage. My ex wife chose to have an emotional affair that shortly after became physical. She kept it secret and I discovered it after I saw enough signs that prompted me to investigate.

 

Again, I am a reasonable man, and my marriage was very important to me (while it was good and monogomous, obviously). I will tell you this - (and other betrayed spouses (BS) could probably back me up on this) if my wife told me what was going on, if she just freaking communicated that something inside her has happened and now she's having strong feelings about someone else and she needs my help, that WOULD HAVE CHANGED EVERYTHING.

 

Would I have been initially upset? Damn straight.

Would we have gotten to the bottom of it together? Damn Straight.

 

Will my reactions be the same as your husband's? That's not the point.

What is the point is that you recognize that you've wronged him and he has a decision to make.

 

By all means attempt to persuade him to keep you and work it out; if that's what you want to do. After all both of you signed up to tackle life together; including busting up this affair and fixing your marriage.

 

As a man, trust me, it'll hurt, but EA's are WAY more forgivable than PA's. He won't have to deal with all the imagery that's associated with the physical part.

 

If you haven't found it yet, I suggest you visit the site: http://www.marriagebuilders.com

 

There are tons of articles there that are relevant to your situation, including how long (in general) it takes to be over the withdrawl of an affair and what you need to do to rebuild the relationship with your H.

 

Please, tell him what's going on.

That's always step one.

[want2begood]

Thank you all so much for your help. I intend to keep posting because I really have no else to talk to about this. I am hesitant to tell my husband right now. I want to see if I can do it on my own. If I see clearly that I can't, I will tell him. I do love him although I am not showing it now but what I am doing. He and I see each other a few minutes a day because of our schedules so I know what has been missing is good quality time together. That's not my excuse though because it wouldn't matter if I never saw him. He is my husband and I owe him my faithfulness. I really hate myself right now. I am ashamed beyond words. When I look at my husband, my kids, my house, my car, the comforts of my life I can't help but think that OM has nothing to do with any of it and doesn't belong in this life I've been given. I'm preparing myself for the heartache of losing OM but I know there is no other option. I would really have worse heartache if I lost my family. I'm convinced that there is no such thing as having your cake and eating to and being totally at peace with it. Someone mentioned this and of course I know it to that if you play with fire, you will get burned. I knew when I started playing but I thought it was all innocent at the time. I knew better, and I do have to put my big girl pants on now and love my husband with ALL my heart.

[jwi71]

I guess I'm here for encouragement. I have been involved in an EA for several months now. I have distanced myself from my husband and have let OM become my source of happiness. I want to try NC but I'm afraid of breaking it. I know that sounds crazy. I more scared of what could happen if I continue the EA. I hate the thoughts I have. I hate that I don't give my husband the respect he deserves. I never thought of myself as a selfish person until I started reading through threads and seeing people not very different from myself betraying their spouses and breaking up families.

 

What led you to this?

Why do you seek these things from another?

 

How long does it take to mourn the loss of an EA because I know that is what I have to do?

Depends on YOU. When you are ready to let go you will. There is no easy answer and the process of separating isn't easy either - from either (or both) men. Which is precisely what you face.

 

However, no matter how hard you THINK this is...staying is FAR worse.

 

Could anyone give me a NC success story to motivate me?

Every single one.

Because if NC is kept, the A dies and reality begins to creep in.

 

But that's only half the battle.

 

The other half will be connecting with your H. And that means confession.

You will NEVER recover the intimacy, the love, the trust as long as the A is hidden and remains a specter over your M. That secret PRECLUDES closeness. Not only that, by keeping it secret you also subtly allow the possibility of reigniting it.

 

I keep seeing threads where NC failed over and over again

NC doesn't fail. The WS does. For whatever reason (read excuse) the WS returns...maybe its "closure" (aka new age psycho bullshyt - its the Holy effiin' Grail of R's I swear...good luck on finding it)...maybe the BS doesn't know and its EASIER to return...1000 reasons (excuses). But ultimately, ALL NC fails by CHOICE. The WS chooses to return.

 

And the best way to initiate and have help in NC...is by enlisting support...aka confession.

 

I am not sure how strong I am.

Not buying it. You CAN do it. Think of all the obstacles in your life you THOUGHT you couldn't overcome...that you THOUGHT you couldn't surmount. This is no different. Hard? Oh yeah. Doable? Yes. Can YOU do it? Yes...if you WANT IT.

 

Thinking of this like breaking an addiction. Hard to beat in the best circumstances and damn near impossible on your own.

 

I know what I want but I don't know how to get there.

Not true. You KNOW how to get there. You are just too afraid to leave this love behind. Again, you have a choice.

 

Leave the OM behind.

Leave your family behind.

Because ultimately that's what this is.

Ask yourself:

Do I want to marry this man?

Is he worth leaving my H?

Children?

 

I just want a normal marriage and life at home - the life I had before I met OM.

And maybe you can have it again. I agree with CG's post. Telling your H will piss him off and hurt him. But the chances of recovery at THIS point (not PA) are better than if you continue.

 

Every day you lie (by omission) and delay (not going NC and confessing) HURTS your chances of recovery. One of the first Q's your H will ask is "How long"? And lying is strictly forbidden - that's typically what kills the M oddly enough.

 

No one is to blame but me in this situation

No, the OM gets equal blame. It takes TWO last time I checked.

 

. Since I have met OM, I have been on what so many others have described as an emotional rollercoaster. I go between intense happiness to extreme guilt over and over and over again. I don't know why I am so afraid to stop

That's for you to uncover in IC.

 

I just want to cry.

Don't worry...there will be plenty of tears. Either way actually.

 

You have the POWER to limit and minimize the damage.

Or exacerbate it.

 

The longer you wait the worse it gets.

I'm sure its frightening. To have to sit down and tell your H. To tell your family.

 

And the alternative...keeping it secret...that's even worse.

[want2begood]

I bolded some stuff and answered some stuff. I hope this isn't too confusing.

 

What led you to this?

Why do you seek these things from another?

 

This is the million dollar question. I don't know that I was seeking. I opened the door to lust and attention from another man and rather than stop it in its tracks like I have before I decided to stick around and see what happens - big mistake.

 

Depends on YOU. When you are ready to let go you will. There is no easy answer and the process of separating isn't easy either - from either (or both) men. Which is precisely what you face.

 

However, no matter how hard you THINK this is...staying is FAR worse.

 

Thank you. I believe that!

 

Every single one.

Because if NC is kept, the A dies and reality begins to creep in.

 

I SOOOO needed to read that. I want reality to creep in an STAY!

But that's only half the battle.

 

The other half will be connecting with your H. And that means confession.

 

This is the part I won't do yet. Notice I didn't say CAN'T.

You will NEVER recover the intimacy, the love, the trust as long as the A is hidden and remains a specter over your M. That secret PRECLUDES closeness. Not only that, by keeping it secret you also subtly allow the possibility of reigniting it.

 

NC doesn't fail. The WS does. For whatever reason (read excuse) the WS returns...maybe its "closure" (aka new age psycho bullshyt - its the Holy effiin' Grail of R's I swear...good luck on finding it)...maybe the BS doesn't know and its EASIER to return...1000 reasons (excuses). But ultimately, ALL NC fails by CHOICE. The WS chooses to return.

 

And the best way to initiate and have help in NC...is by enlisting support...aka confession.

 

Not buying it. You CAN do it. Think of all the obstacles in your life you THOUGHT you couldn't overcome...that you THOUGHT you couldn't surmount. This is no different. Hard? Oh yeah. Doable? Yes. Can YOU do it? Yes...if you WANT IT.

 

Lol - I need to read that too. I believe with all my heart I will look back on this one day and realize how doable it was.

 

Thinking of this like breaking an addiction. Hard to beat in the best circumstances and damn near impossible on your own.

 

That's what it feel like and I haven't even started yet.

 

Not true. You KNOW how to get there. You are just too afraid to leave this love behind. Again, you have a choice.

 

Again, I really needed to read that too.

 

Leave the OM behind.

Leave your family behind.

Because ultimately that's what this is.

Ask yourself:

Do I want to marry this man? NO

Is he worth leaving my H? NO

Children? NO

 

And maybe you can have it again. I agree with CG's post. Telling your H will piss him off and hurt him. But the chances of recovery at THIS point (not PA) are better than if you continue.

 

Every day you lie (by omission) and delay (not going NC and confessing) HURTS your chances of recovery. One of the first Q's your H will ask is "How long"? And lying is strictly forbidden - that's typically what kills the M oddly enough.

 

No, the OM gets equal blame. It takes TWO last time I checked.

 

That's for you to uncover in IC.

 

Don't worry...there will be plenty of tears. Either way actually.

 

You have the POWER to limit and minimize the damage.

Or exacerbate it.

 

The longer you wait the worse it gets.

I'm sure its frightening. To have to sit down and tell your H. To tell your family.

 

And the alternative...keeping it secret...that's even worse.

 

jwi - You have no idea how your words have inspired me. I plan to read this post again and again especially when I feel weak. I do have a choice to make and for the sake of my husband and kids, I will make the right choice. I want to limit and minimize the damage. I will, I promise, consider telling my husband if I am not making progress a week from today. I want to try this on my own first. I will keep posting and I will be honest. Otherwise I won't be able to get help from you and others. BTW, OM does know I am married.

[want2begood]

I agree with CG. But when you tell your husband, you must also be prepared to end the affair for good. Don't tell your husband that you want to work on your marriage while you are still in contact with the OM.

 

If you've decided that getting your life, your marriage and your husband back is more important, NC will be easy. It's making the commitment to NC that is hard. It does work, but you have to WANT it to work.

 

If you are ready to go NC, tell your OM that you wish him the best, but you wish to work on your marriage. Tell him that contact of any kind is no longer acceptable. Then remove his contact info from all devices (phone, computer, etc). Set up a rule in your email to automatically delete emails from his address. Change your phone number if you have to.

Keep yourself busy. Focus on things that are important to you that are NOT OM. If you feel the need to break NC, come here.

 

You can do it. But you have to want to.

 

Thanks jthorne. That helps to know NC will be easy once I've decided what is more important. I have decided so I will give NC a try. I WILL come here if I feel the need to break NC. I can already tell that you and the others will help me.

[jnj express]

Hey W2BG---Why do you contend there will be heartache with this breakup-----What you need to do is take a long look at the OM. He is scum, and you know it. He is preying on a married woman knowing the wreckage he will leave behind if you are discovered. Have you any idea what the rest of your life will be like if discovered. It will never be the same. And what about your kids lives. Their lives will never be the same, remember who would have caused that.

 

Actually due to your own guilt, and possible self loathing you still may have major problems if you do not "out" yourself. What you do about that problem is up to you.

 

So kindly tell me how you would have any heartbreak or feelings for a person who has worked very hard to further his own agenda, and put you in harms way. There should be no heartbreak, if and when you think of scumbag OM, your only reaction should be is that you wanna puke. Just remember this scumbag would have ruined the REST OF YOUR LIFE, yours and those you hold dearest to you.

[joey66]

You should post in The Other Man / Woman forum to get some other perspectives.

[You Go Girl]

I have decided so I will give NC a try.

 

A quote I love that I have borrowed many times from another LS poster--

 

"Do, or do not. There is no try."

[secretlady76]

Yeah post on the OW/OM section, there are loads of us scumbags there and we'll give you lots of evil ideas about what to do.......

 

Seriously, we will support you and advise you whichever way we can, we know, we've all been there.....

[want2begood]

Yeah post on the OW/OM section, there are loads of us scumbags there and we'll give you lots of evil ideas about what to do.......

 

Seriously, we will support you and advise you whichever way we can, we know, we've all been there.....

 

I have read some of the posts there. I wasn't sure if I post here or there. They both involve infidelity so I guess I just picked one.

[want2begood]

Hey W2BG---Why do you contend there will be heartache with this breakup-----What you need to do is take a long look at the OM. He is scum, and you know it. He is preying on a married woman knowing the wreckage he will leave behind if you are discovered. Have you any idea what the rest of your life will be like if discovered. It will never be the same. And what about your kids lives. Their lives will never be the same, remember who would have caused that.

 

Actually due to your own guilt, and possible self loathing you still may have major problems if you do not "out" yourself. What you do about that problem is up to you.

 

So kindly tell me how you would have any heartbreak or feelings for a person who has worked very hard to further his own agenda, and put you in harms way. There should be no heartbreak, if and when you think of scumbag OM, your only reaction should be is that you wanna puke. Just remember this scumbag would have ruined the REST OF YOUR LIFE, yours and those you hold dearest to you.

 

 

I wish I knew why I had feelings for this guy. I wish I knew I can't just look at the situation from a third party view and see how I should be relieved, not sad that I can end this without it going any deeper and more damaging. It's like I see it but it's way on the other side a huge mountain. So obviously I have some climbing to do! This morning was tough. I woke up with that sense of dread because the reality of the situation was settling in. I know I have been using OM as my thrill, my escape, and my fantasy. He's made the rest of my life seem boring. The reality is my life is not boring. Reality is I have a husband and kids who depend on me to have integrity and self-control. Self-control in my marriage has never been an issue until this EA. It's like all my boundaries and morals went out the door. They never left my mind and heart for long, which is why I struggle. I am not going try NC. I am going to start NC today. I'm sorry I said last night I would "try." I hate when people say that too! I have not talked to OM today -wow - it's only 10:20am - that's not an accomplishment:laugh:. I need advice here. Should I just stop cold turkey, ignore him and tell him nothing or should I tell him not to contact me anymore because I need to focus on my marriage? I don't think he is the type that would take it hard. He's told me all along that he'll leave me alone if I ask him to. He's knows how I've struggled with guilt. It helped to write this today. I'm going to go clean my house now and thank God I have a house to clean.

[confusedinkansas]

Only thing I can tell you is to throw yourself into your marriage.

Do not answer emails, text messages or phone calls from the other man.

If he "Demands" an explaination - tell him you just can't do what you were doing anymore & that he needs to respect your wishes. (I don't remember reading - is he married as well? - Cuz if he is he should do the same.....)

 

After that - if he does contact you - IGNORE him. I won't lie to you - It's VERY difficult. (I've been there myself a few times) But if you just push on - move forward....it does work. There's not hidden secret. You just need to make your mind up to JUST DO IT!

 

As for telling your husband, personally I don't see any benefit from that. It's not like it was a full blown affair. Yes, you have "checked out" of your marriage for a time. Doesn't mean you can't check back in.

Many here will tell you that you 100% can't have a good marriage if you don't tell your husband. That simply is not true. You can.

Good Luck! Keep us posted on your NC progress.

[jwi71]

I wish I knew why I had feelings for this guy.

 

IC. Go. Utilize a professional trained 3rd party PhD to help you. Go for at least 8 meetings - no matter how hard. And IC can be brutal.

 

The fear is if these "issues" are left "untreated" - they recur in some form or another. And you don't have to live like that.

 

I am going to start NC today.

 

Should I just stop cold turkey, ignore him and tell him nothing or should I tell him not to contact me anymore because I need to focus on my marriage?

 

I trust you see the contradiction.

 

Personally, you don't owe HIM an explanation. The fear is the "NC letter" drags out for months with explanations and explanations of explanations and "are you ok's"....it is, as you can see, simply the A continuing in a different guise.

 

Its cold turkey...people try this LC (limited contact) and it NEVER works. Especially when you have decided to keep the EA secret. Those who claim it does...they invariable post how hard it is and "what to do"....

 

Don't be one of them.

[jwi71]

While I agree that you don't owe the guy anything, you need the closure.

 

I'm sorry...but what is closure?

How do you get it?

When do you get it - that is, how do you KNOW you have closure?

 

If it was "I love you" one day, and total no contact the next, there are going to be questions from him.

So? If HE wants support he can post here on the OM/OW forum and I'll be glad to reply.

 

And, as I alluded to, when do the questions stop? When does this "obligation" end?

 

No R (or A) ever ends in a neatly wrapped box with nothing left unsaid.

 

It is little more than continuing the A by having contact under the guise of "closure" - which doesn't exist.

 

The only way I ever got my now xMM to stop contacting me even months afterwards was to tell him that it's over and not to contact me again. Just leaving and ignoring him didn't work. And in a way, the goodbye letter was empowering for me. Me taking back my life.

This isn't closure. You didn't "need" this last conversation...just a few sentences to tell him to eff off.

This was stopping a stalker.

Not "closure"...see what I'm driving at?

 

I clearly don't believe in closure. I've never had an R or even my M end with everything all tied up and neatly presented in a box. Never. Its a red herring proferred by pop tv psychologists peddling novels.

 

However, you may be right. Maybe a short email devoid of emotion and simply stating "We're done, never talk to me again" is enough.

 

Letter? That was a sentence.

 

Followed by deleting and blocking all emails and phone numbers.

[ConflictedGuy27]

I have high hopes your you, W2BG, but something about your responses jumps out at me.

 

You certainly appreciate that your A must stop, & contact with the OM severed, yet you down play the other components necessary to actually repair your M.

 

Many of the excerpts you bolded were the parts of very good posts which you feel encourage you to take this on by yourself.

 

You mentioned playing with fire & getting burned - you're still playing with fire each day you keep this massive secret from your H.

 

You said that due to your schedules, you see each other mere MINUTES each day. Something needs to change and I have a feeling a truley remorseful confession and plea from you may spark the momentum you're trying to create all alone.

 

Remember the post you referenced as one you would turn back to and read again when you were weak?? That same post had a rather large, rather wise bit of advise packed in there - to keep this secret from your husband precludes closeness. The truth of that statement is something you must understand.

 

You say you don't know why you did this, then in another post you mention that you used OM as your get away, as your fantasy, and as a result your day-to-day life is boring by comparison. Well there you have it - your life was/is rather boring... and like a kid seeking out something dangerous to meddle with, you began playing with fire - knowing full well it could burn you.

 

This is just my intuition, and perhaps it's off base, but I don't believe that ending your A and recommitting to your M is something you can handle. The fear of loss within you isn't enough, yet... It's enough for you to ponder change, or even try changing by yourself, but that's not enough.

 

I think you're grossly underestimating what it's going to take to end the A forever and restore and build upon your M. Your confession i believe will "fuel" this recovery in a big way.

 

Confess and give your H the opportunity to help you.

[want2begood]

I understand what you all are saying about not keeping this from my husband. Like I said before, if in a week from now, I have not progressed, I will tell him. I have not tried to end this until now and I want to see if I can do it on my own. "What he doesn't know won't hurt him" doesn't seem like an unreasonable statement when I didn't have a PA and I have decided to end the EA. IF I see that I can't end the EA by myself, then I will tell my H. He has a lot of stress in his life right now with work and other family members. I honestly don't want to put anything else on his plate right now BUT I do know that I it will be necessary to do so if I can't handle this on my own. I would rather overwhelm him with this than to overwhelm him later with a full blown PA. I get that. I just want to give myself a chance first.

[want2begood]

I thought I would add this. After I posted my story here on ls last night out of nowhere my H sat down beside and me hugged me. It's not that he hasn't done that before, but I just really, really needed it. It's like he knew to hug me but didn't know why. I wasn't crying. I was just watching TV. I had to hold back tears. The smell of his skin, his sweet hands and strong arms just made realize he is who I am doing this for. My goal is to not hurt him. If I can get through this and make OM fade from my thoughts and meanwhile replacing those thoughts with my husband and my security, then I'll be far from hurting him. I can't control his work situation. I can't control how other people treat him, but I can control how I treat him. I can be the one person he can depend on and can rely on. He already does. He trusts me with all his heart and I see it. He has from the day we met. I have failed as a wife with what I've done but it is not beyond repair. I have hope.

[sruben]

But that's only half the battle.

 

The other half will be connecting with your H. And that means

confession.

 

This is the part I won't do yet. Notice I didn't say CAN'T.

 

No, this is SO selfish! Your husband has a right to know!

 

 

jwi - You have no idea how your words have inspired me. I plan to read this post again and again especially when I feel weak. I do have a choice to make and for the sake of my husband and kids, I will make the right choice. I want to limit and minimize the damage.

 

Sorry, I'm going to call you on the carpet for this -- you don't want to limit the damage to your husband and family, you want to limit the damage to YOU! By getting away with it!

 

The only way you can now limit the damage to your husband and family is to confess it to him...now! Don't wait a week because you'll convince yourself that you "licked it by yourself"...only to fall back into it sometime later.

 

I will, I promise, consider telling my husband if I am not making progress a week from today. I want to try this on my own first. I will keep posting and I will be honest. Otherwise I won't be able to get help from you and others. BTW, OM does know I am married.

 

Then he's a scumbag. R emember -- if he'll cheat WITH you, he'd cheat ON you (if you were to leave your hubby for him).Why leave the door open for him?

[jwi71]

W2BG,

 

I think you are clear and level-headed enough to understand what I m saying. So I'm going to push a bit here.

 

"What he doesn't know won't hurt him"

 

No...you aren't doing this FOR him. You are doing this TO him.

You are doing this to control and manipulate him...to keep him in this prison you have constructed...one he doesn't know exists around him.

 

The motive is protection alright - but yours.

 

If he doesn't know - he can't react and YOU don't face the consequences.

If he doesn't know - he can't decide his own life.

If he doesn't know - how does the M get better?

 

Not telling denies that. That's the control. That's the manipulation. It protects YOU and protects this troubled M. It doesn't protect your H or your children.

 

How can you expect your M to improve if your H, an equal partner (and secrets deny the unknown of his/her share), doesn't know?

 

You control the information to control the situation.

 

This is perfectly understandable. You aren't alone in it. Its FEAR.

 

After I posted my story here on ls last night out of nowhere my H sat down beside and me hugged me. It's not that he hasn't done that before, but I just really, really needed it. It's like he knew to hug me but didn't know why.

 

This is ALSO very typical.

Your H senses something is "off". He can't quite place it and certainly doesn't suspect an A at this point (or maybe he does). He just knows something is wrong.

 

ONE person cannot heal this partnership - it requires both.

[sruben]

A quote I love that I have borrowed many times from another LS poster--

 

"Do, or do not. There is no try."

 

George Lucas, via Yoda, "Empire Strikes back", 1980