sruben Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Hi, I am wondering -- what kinds of things do WW's typically do that gives away the fact that they're having an affair? For you BH's out there, how did you find out, and even before that, what kinds of "signs" were you seeing that something was amiss?
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 I wasnt married but the minute a woman ever mentions and ex and starts acting distant is even reason enough to be worried! Red flag city. I dont think men and or women are stupid. If a person has an intuition about a spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating it'll start to ramp up. You cant always hide it. Some one will know. Oh and guess what, the ex was cheating, in my gut i knew i wasnt stupid. Sadly to say i unloaded on her and kicked her to the curb... She wasnt worth it and glad to be by myself.
Author sruben Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 I wasnt married but the minute a woman ever mentions and ex and starts acting distant is even reason enough to be worried! Red flag city. I dont think men and or women are stupid. If a person has an intuition about a spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating it'll start to ramp up. You cant always hide it. Some one will know. Oh and guess what, the ex was cheating, in my gut i knew i wasnt stupid. Sadly to say i unloaded on her and kicked her to the curb... She wasnt worth it and glad to be by myself. Chrome, So, besides her being distant (and your intuition), what kinds of things was she doing before you suspected that you later recognized in "aha!" moments?
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 I'm a good reader at body language. Her distance, her facial expressions, the mintue she mentioned her ex, i knew it started to happened, then the next time she talked she turned her head and said oh me and the ex had a friendly talk today. I was like WTF, GTFO stop lying bitch. I knew, the minute she mentioned him and her body language she was lying, there was shame in her eyes when i looked at her. And when it all came out, I told her this is exactly the reason why i do not date, period because females will always tell you they are over an ex but deep down they are not. They lie. I knew it wasnt a good idea to try to build a relationship with her but me being a man like i am gave her the benefit of the doubt. And she screwed up, but that's on her. Body language is very important, if you can see how she looks when discussing someone else, her facial ticks, her being distant, that's where your intuition kicks in. Some people like poker players can hide it, some cannot. But then some are just so naturally gifted at lying you cannot believe what they are saying at all, they are that damn good.
SouthernSunshine Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 (edited) Being distant. Keeping her phone and purse beside her at all times, or when she goes to bed. Withdrawing from sex. Being either extra nice or more careless & irresponsible. Watching her figure, and enhancing her looks.. hair, nails, makeup, skin. Buying new clothing or perfume.. sexy underwear and/or bras. Having a change in the type of music she listens to. Going out more with friends and/or working more. Losing weight/dieting more. When I cheated previously in the past, I did all of the above. Edited May 5, 2010 by SouthernSunshine
Dexter Morgan Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Hi, I am wondering -- what kinds of things do WW's typically do that gives away the fact that they're having an affair? one would be to talk about the guys they are having affairs with, whether good or bad. that way if you hear something and suspicions are raised, they can say, "oh you remember me talking to you about him" as if she would really talk about a guy she is screwing to her husband. Its their attempt to deflect suspicion. another one would be dressing up more, obsessed with losing weight and working out all of a sudden when it never appealed to them before. etc. girls nights out to clubs and such, coming home way past club closing hours, or even not when way past closing hours always having their cell phone within reach and never left out in the open for you to see.
stillafool Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Why, do you suspect your wife of having an affair? Or, are you a WW and looking for "signs" not to show so you won't be suspected? Either way, tell us more and we will help.
Author sruben Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 Being distant. Keeping her phone and purse beside her at all times, or when she goes to bed. Withdrawing from sex. Being either extra nice or more careless & irresponsible. Watching her figure, and enhancing her looks.. hair, nails, makeup, skin. Buying new clothing or perfume.. sexy underwear and/or bras. Having a change in the type of music she listens to. Going out more with friends and/or working more. Losing weight/dieting more. When I cheated previously in the past, I did all of the above. Southern, Wow, thanks for the list. I don't know if my wife was cheating last summer, but I did notice lots of money spent on new clothes, withdrawing from sex, taking walks (to lose weight), not talking about work any more when she used to, all about the time a certain vendor was in town. She had worked with the guy earlier in the year, but he was here the first and fourth weeks in June. Around the first week (and I didn't know about him or have a reason to suspect anything), she told me, "by the way, I might not be wearing my wedding ring around the house". When I looked questioningly at her, she answered with "I've kind of been blimping out lately, and it's fitting kind of tight." I thought it was odd, but didn't suspect. A couple of other things that happened later made me suspicious. The monday after he went back home (out of state), she came home from work very upset, almost like she was in mourning. When I asked about her day, she said it was a bad one and that she didn't want to talk about it. Two days later, she gave me some kind of excuse about why she'd been so upset, but it didn't "ring true" (said some subordinates weren't getting along, and some other unrelated excuse). But here's my question: While I did once observe her texting the guy in the kitchen (and she was working with him, this was while he was out here) on her work phone, and she was occasionally going to the back bedroom to take calls (before I was suspicious), she generally didn't keep her purse with her (but the phone I don't remember). We got in a fight about finances a couple days after the mourning and I asked to see her bank statements (my name is also on the account, but it was hers before we married). The next day I looked at them anyway and I admitted as much. THEN she started keeping her purse, both phones and stuff with her, sleeping next to them or hiding them, or taking them into the bathroom with her. This went on for several days, but then she left them out in the bedroom so I could go through them if I wanted. I didn't because I knew if anything HAD been there, she'd cleaned it out by now. The question is: What do you think was up with that? Just general not trusting me? Or hiding evidence of an affair?
Author sruben Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 Why, do you suspect your wife of having an affair? Or, are you a WW and looking for "signs" not to show so you won't be suspected? Either way, tell us more and we will help. I am definitely not a WW, although I can see why you'd ask. I'm a possibly BH trying to figure out what the frack happened last summer because I see signs of strange behaviors and attitudes in my wife again (in fact, every summer for the last 3 -- that is, we've been married for 8 years, my first and her third, and starting just before our 4th anniversary she told me that she didn't want sex, didn't even like it, in fact it hurt most of the time. Really? So she'd been putting up with it for 4 years? That was also just after she started working again after having had our baby (we also have two from her first marriage). Every summer seems to be worse that the preceding one. 5th summer it seemed like she'd get mad at me often for very little reason, give me the silent treatment for a few days. I had a growing list of topics that I could not discuss with her because they'd start an argument. 6th summer, she was mean to me for 3 weeks out of every 4 for 3 months! During the one nice week, we'd finally have sex once, and then usually the next day, hostilities would resume. I briefly suspected something might be going on then, but we went to see "Fireproof" and she broke down and apologized to me in the car afterward and we made up (but she didn't ever tell me what was up). 7th summer was last summer, and there were so many red flags, I was absolutely convinced she was having an affair. Taking a more rational look at it now, I can see that I probably got wise to it AFTER whatever it was happened, and I drove myself insane (probably more literally than figuratively) trying to discover the affair -- I think there were some plans to continue it, but circumstances prevented it since he was out of town and her employer didn't have the funds to bring him back out...but I know for a fact that she was working on that. I would love for someone to tell me that I was just being paranoid, just imagining it all! But when I look at only the facts (and not my subjective interpretation or assumptions about them), I still end up with a tall plate of red flags. I even discussed this with the pastor that married us, and he's concerned that I'm right, especially when I told him that, after getting this new job, she wants to have separate finances when we've always had joint finances. I could go on, but I've probably already written a long enough novel here...
Author sruben Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 one would be to talk about the guys they are having affairs with, whether good or bad. that way if you hear something and suspicions are raised, they can say, "oh you remember me talking to you about him" as if she would really talk about a guy she is screwing to her husband. Its their attempt to deflect suspicion. You know, you make a good point -- when I did confront her with my suspicions last year, I pointed out that she never told me about this guy. I found out later when I read an old email from March that I was wrong, she did mention him once -- to tell me that she was going to have lunch with the guy the next day, and at least once weekly for the 5 weeks he was going to be out here. She mentioned only his first name and a vague reference to what his involvement in her project was. Then I never heard another thing about him. When I later asked, she told me, "Oh, yes! I used to talk to you all the time about him and his partner, how they're such goofy guys. Don't you remember?" Uh, no... Definite historical revisionism going on there. BTW, after the first time she'd mentioned lunch with him and told me "he's happily married with two kids, don't worry!", the next time he showed up on my radar was first week of June when he emailed her an invitation to become one of his contacts on linkedin.com. When I saw it, I looked him up immediately, wondering who is this guy inviting my with to join his contacts, saw his company name (didn't mean anything to me at the time) but what they do. I recognized the terminology as being related to her project, so again I didn't think anything of it. I didn't even ask her about it...until a month later when we were fighting about the finances. another one would be dressing up more, obsessed with losing weight and working out all of a sudden when it never appealed to them before. etc. She was definitely upping her game. Our oldest daughter told me recently that it was probably because she felt good about herself for having successfully completed her project. She spent a LOT of money on clothing, makeup and hair/nails during the month of June! girls nights out to clubs and such, coming home way past club closing hours, or even not when way past closing hours Fortunately, she's never gotten into this, although it might have made things easier to find out if she had. In fact, if she'd stayed out late nights all of a sudden, I would KNOW something was up because she doesn't do that. always having their cell phone within reach and never left out in the open for you to see. Sounds more like my teenage stepdaughters! I don't know, she just got a new phone. We'll see how she is with it. I don't think anything is going on now, but she is making her finances separate and I'm concerned about that.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 From what you wrote about her, you need to start investigating because it's a mid life crisis, and it appears to be she's starting an affair. If that's the case is that a deal breaker for you... If so I sugggest you get concrete evidence and get a good divorce lawyer. even if you dont want a divorce, by setting the stage and standing up for yourself you show her her crap isnt tolerated. Some women like to push men's buttons, some women cant just be married, has she done this before she was married to you? You said she had kids, where's the father? why are they not together. All signs to me point to an affair im sorry, that's just the way i see it. I would start to investigate and probe. until id have the truth. Her seperating accounts, taking off her ring, buying new clothes, mysterious behavior, new cell phone. Dude. it's starting, your gut is telling you something!!!! PAY ATTENTION!
ladydesigner Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Being distant. Keeping her phone and purse beside her at all times, or when she goes to bed. Withdrawing from sex. Being either extra nice or more careless & irresponsible. Watching her figure, and enhancing her looks.. hair, nails, makeup, skin. Buying new clothing or perfume.. sexy underwear and/or bras. Having a change in the type of music she listens to. Going out more with friends and/or working more. Losing weight/dieting more. When I cheated previously in the past, I did all of the above. Yep I did all the bolded when I cheated. Dead giveaways.
Author sruben Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 From what you wrote about her, you need to start investigating because it's a mid life crisis, and it appears to be she's starting an affair. If that's the case is that a deal breaker for you... If so I sugggest you get concrete evidence and get a good divorce lawyer. even if you dont want a divorce, by setting the stage and standing up for yourself you show her her crap isnt tolerated. Some women like to push men's buttons, some women cant just be married, has she done this before she was married to you? You said she had kids, where's the father? why are they not together. All signs to me point to an affair im sorry, that's just the way i see it. I would start to investigate and probe. until id have the truth. Her seperating accounts, taking off her ring, buying new clothes, mysterious behavior, new cell phone. Dude. it's starting, your gut is telling you something!!!! PAY ATTENTION! Okay, I'm on it. Yes, last summer I did get a referral for a tough divorce lawyer, but I did not schedule an appt with him. But if I see signs of an affair in the making now, I will certainly meet with him to, as you suggest, set the stage. If she had an affair last summer (and only the one) and comes clean with it, I would probably forgive her and work together on the marriage. If she does it again, that's it. She's always told me that if I ever cheated on her, it would be over. It would suck especially for our youngest, now 7... The new cell phone is not a concern, it was an upgrade and I bought it for her. Actually, I got her a Droid, but she acted strange when the salesgirl told us that we could track each other with them! She complained a couple days later of things that weren't working right on it, fuzzy pictures, too heavy, etc. So I got her a Chocolate Touch (Verizon). Anyone know of any good spy software for such a thing? Verizon is kind of weird to work with I've heard. Like their Chaperone software makes all sorts of visual noise to let you know you're being tracked, just to make sure your "privacy" isn't violated! Verizon sucks!
SouthernSunshine Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Southern, Wow, thanks for the list. I don't know if my wife was cheating last summer, but I did notice lots of money spent on new clothes, withdrawing from sex, taking walks (to lose weight), not talking about work any more when she used to, all about the time a certain vendor was in town. She had worked with the guy earlier in the year, but he was here the first and fourth weeks in June. Around the first week (and I didn't know about him or have a reason to suspect anything), she told me, "by the way, I might not be wearing my wedding ring around the house". When I looked questioningly at her, she answered with "I've kind of been blimping out lately, and it's fitting kind of tight." I thought it was odd, but didn't suspect. A couple of other things that happened later made me suspicious. The monday after he went back home (out of state), she came home from work very upset, almost like she was in mourning. When I asked about her day, she said it was a bad one and that she didn't want to talk about it. Two days later, she gave me some kind of excuse about why she'd been so upset, but it didn't "ring true" (said some subordinates weren't getting along, and some other unrelated excuse). But here's my question: While I did once observe her texting the guy in the kitchen (and she was working with him, this was while he was out here) on her work phone, and she was occasionally going to the back bedroom to take calls (before I was suspicious), she generally didn't keep her purse with her (but the phone I don't remember). We got in a fight about finances a couple days after the mourning and I asked to see her bank statements (my name is also on the account, but it was hers before we married). The next day I looked at them anyway and I admitted as much. THEN she started keeping her purse, both phones and stuff with her, sleeping next to them or hiding them, or taking them into the bathroom with her. This went on for several days, but then she left them out in the bedroom so I could go through them if I wanted. I didn't because I knew if anything HAD been there, she'd cleaned it out by now. The question is: What do you think was up with that? Just general not trusting me? Or hiding evidence of an affair? Oh yeah, the mourning part... that's the hardest to hide! The last time I came back from seeing the OM I couldn't help but cry, and mourn because it was over. That's so hard to hide, and keep inside.. those feelings of sadness. It sounds like she was having an affair or something inappropriate of that nature. Being secretive at all, or offensive are red flags. I took off my ring when I would see the OM, but made sure to wear it around my SO.
Author sruben Posted May 6, 2010 Author Posted May 6, 2010 Oh yeah, the mourning part... that's the hardest to hide! The last time I came back from seeing the OM I couldn't help but cry, and mourn because it was over. That's so hard to hide, and keep inside.. those feelings of sadness. It sounds like she was having an affair or something inappropriate of that nature. Being secretive at all, or offensive are red flags. I took off my ring when I would see the OM, but made sure to wear it around my SO. Thanks for the validation. My pastor expressed concern about the mourning as well. My guess is that she told me she "might not" be wearing her ring at home in case she came home having forgotten to put iit back on...to pre-empt any questions. Does that sound reasonable?
Author sruben Posted May 6, 2010 Author Posted May 6, 2010 Btw she only did the ring thing for a few weeks and not always. She's had it on ever since.
Just a stone's throw Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 Dude, I'm sorry but from everything you've written and how she's been acting it's really hard to pinpoint a medical reason or other psychosocial reason for her actions. I want to be honest with you and I'm a fOW. All those things that were scripted out that the OW said are done when we cheat. Yes. I did those. Have you confronted her? Have you just came right out and asked her? What have you got to lose in doing that? You're already suspicious. You already have circumstancial evidence. Do you really want to build a case until it's to a point that it's solid? Do you need to know all the details? It doesn't sound like she's in too deep in that it's a cyclic, once-a-year thing and she may be part of circumstance. Tell her what you know and tell her that at this point you want the two of you to enter counseling. If my husband had asked me point blank if I had been cheating, I would have told him. I don't think he wants to know. I have reasons for thinking that but I do really believe that. I dont' want to say that's different in your case but just think about it.
stillafool Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 OP, when something inside you is telling you your wife is having an affair it is more than likely happening. Not to mention she has all of the "red flags" which is telltale. At this point you need to let her know that you know. You have to expose it if you want it to stop. I really feel for you and your kids that this is happening. I think you should drop in on her at work for a surprise lunch and notice the attitudes of the other employees as well as her reaction. If it is anything other than pure joy, something is seriously wrong.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 Greater attention to pubic grooming. Mine shaved like a prepubescent during her affair. I must have been stupid.....I never asked for that....nor did I ever say I like that. I like her to look like a woman, not a child.
Author sruben Posted May 6, 2010 Author Posted May 6, 2010 Dude' date=' I'm sorry but from everything you've written and how she's been acting it's really hard to pinpoint a medical reason or other psychosocial reason for her actions. I want to be honest with you and I'm a fOW. [/quote'] She did try to blame it on perimenopause, but that doesn't make you record other men's birthdays in your work (but not home) calendars... All those things that were scripted out that the OW said are done when we cheat. Yes. I did those. Have you confronted her? Have you just came right out and asked her? What have you got to lose in doing that? You're already suspicious. You already have circumstancial evidence. Yes, I did, I asked her point blank. Deny, deny, deny... However, a lot of the circumstantial evidence I collected after that conversation. Do you really want to build a case until it's to a point that it's solid? Do you need to know all the details? I need her to be open and honest, which she is definitely not. Never has been, but I didn't know it until after all this. I probably need to know enough conclusively to confront again while giving her no room to wriggle out of it. It doesn't sound like she's in too deep in that it's a cyclic, once-a-year thing and she may be part of circumstance. Of course, if it's a repeating occurrence, that significantly reduces my desire to work things out. Tell her what you know and tell her that at this point you want the two of you to enter counseling. I will definitely suggest that (we did go to like, two sessions together last fall, but that was it. No revelations, but she did agree to assume the best when I'm talking to her. If my husband had asked me point blank if I had been cheating, I would have told him. I don't think he wants to know. I have reasons for thinking that but I do really believe that. Maybe he is, too? I dont' want to say that's different in your case but just think about it. I will definitely do so, thanks!
Author sruben Posted May 6, 2010 Author Posted May 6, 2010 Greater attention to pubic grooming. Mine shaved like a prepubescent during her affair. I must have been stupid.....I never asked for that....nor did I ever say I like that. I like her to look like a woman, not a child. Mine hasn't done anything that obvious. I don't think she would, but it sure would be telling if she did! (Like you, I don't and never wanted that)
Author sruben Posted May 6, 2010 Author Posted May 6, 2010 OP, when something inside you is telling you your wife is having an affair it is more than likely happening. Not to mention she has all of the "red flags" which is telltale. At this point you need to let her know that you know. You have to expose it if you want it to stop. I really feel for you and your kids that this is happening. Can't really expose without knowing for certain, which I don't. I may suspect, but she's been gaslighting her way out of any discussions about it. I once asked her point blank if there were ever since we'd been married anyone that she'd been even fascinated with. She actually covered her mouth as she told me, "No, I've never even been fascinated with anyone else. You're the only one." My research suggests that that wasn't an honest answer, that she was subconsciously trying to keep it from coming out her mouth. Am I reaching, here? I think you should drop in on her at work for a surprise lunch and notice the attitudes of the other employees as well as her reaction. If it is anything other than pure joy, something is seriously wrong. Tried that, but for dinner. They seemed a bit surprised, she definitely was, got a bit flushed, but cheerfully joined me. That time. Other times I've surprised her by calling (not dropping in) and was given all sorts of reasons why she couldn't...
SouthernSunshine Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 (edited) Tell her what you know and tell her that at this point you want the two of you to enter counseling. If my husband had asked me point blank if I had been cheating, I would have told him. I don't think he wants to know. I have reasons for thinking that but I do really believe that. When my SO confronted me about the affair, I confessed. I had already stopped seeing the OM, but I did confess to my SO, and promised to never cheat again. since then I had a close encounter with the OM, but I didn't fail. I kept my promise, and haven't cheated again. Now, instead of looking outside of my relationship when things get boring.. I look for ways to spice up my relationship, and always communicate with my SO. To the OP: Just talk to your wife.. try to reconnect with her. Let her know that you deserve to know the truth. Edited May 6, 2010 by SouthernSunshine
on1wheel Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 Being distant. Keeping her phone and purse beside her at all times, or when she goes to bed. Withdrawing from sex. Being either extra nice or more careless & irresponsible. Watching her figure, and enhancing her looks.. hair, nails, makeup, skin. Buying new clothing or perfume.. sexy underwear and/or bras. Having a change in the type of music she listens to. Going out more with friends and/or working more. Losing weight/dieting more. When I cheated previously in the past, I did all of the above. _________________________________________________________________________ I am sad to say that everything SS said was what my wife did/showed. Add to the list: • Sudden change in intimate grooming. She withdrew from sex, but would give in eventually to try & throw me off track I guess & all of the sudden...no more hair. WTF??? I had been trying to get her to do it for years & nope, but suddenly she did it on her own? Or worse; he did it. I wanted to puke, as I knew it wasn't for me. As for how I found out: • Hired a PI • Started looking myself...always had trusted her B4, so never looked @ or for any proof • Found a IT wiz that has loose morals. In this day & age, any digital info sent or received has a trail. Easy enough to find for a wiz. Then I innitiated my D-day...most painful day of my life. That was the day I lost faith in all women. I will never be the same...ever. Let me caution you though, as if you dig hard enough you may learn things you can NEVER un-know. I am tormented by the explicit details that I know. To the extent that I have nightmares where I see things as if I were watching! If ur that sure she's cheating, just ask for a D. No muss, no fuss, no haunting images. I hope that U escape with ur soul intact my friend. As my signature implies, I was not so lucky. Good luck.
Just a stone's throw Posted May 6, 2010 Posted May 6, 2010 I once asked her point blank if there were ever since we'd been married anyone that she'd been even fascinated with. She actually covered her mouth as she told me, "No, I've never even been fascinated with anyone else. You're the only one." My research suggests that that wasn't an honest answer, that she was subconsciously trying to keep it from coming out her mouth. Am I reaching, here? Yep. I did that. Couldn't not cover my mouth when lying. I was in the thick of it with exMM and at the time lied to him. We went for sexual counseling which I truly did want for our marriage to repair but I think it threw him off the trail? No I don't think he is/had an affair. I did the no-hair thing way before the A but during the A I started getting Brazillian waxes which I hadn't had before. That's a lot of pain for hair removal and my H questioned it. Do you have kids? I may have missed that somewhere in your post.
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